Marriage

The 'rents as newlyweds in June of 1969.

Dealing with infertility makes you think a lot about marriage. Why we get married, how we stay married, roles in a marriage, what makes a marriage work, or not, etc.

Mr. Happy and I are getting ready to celebrate four years of marriage in a few weeks. Two of my sisters were married and divorced by 25, "starter marriages", if you will. The one that is on her second, is going on 13 years. Over the last few months, both of my parents have celebrated their silver wedding anniversaries (25 years). Now that may seem odd, since I'm pushing 34 and have two older sisters, but they are, of course, on their second marriages.

My parents were high school sweethearts and married on my dad's 20th birthday, in May of 1968. My mom turned 20 two weeks later. Since my parents foolishly left college in the middle of a war, my eldest sister was born when my dad was serving in Vietnam in 1970, and the rest of us followed in orderly succession in '73, '76, and '79. Four girls. Then they divorced in 1982. They were both remarried by the end of 1985.

Unfortunately for me, their marriage doesn't teach me much about how to be good at marriage. I have tried to learn this from others, and gone out of my way not to repeat their obvious mistakes. But you know, it's really hard when you have a shitty example to learn from. But their second marriages are so different.

My father married an heiress (her family owns and runs Presto) who had been a friend of my parents when they moved to WI just before I was born, and apparently she shared his desire to live off the land, in the country, off a trust fund. Too bad for me, they have an ironclad pre-nup. Oh well.

They have an odd relationship, that apparently works for both of them. Except for that short stretch in 2002, when I had moved back to Boston, when he left her and got his own apartment wanting to escape the confines of the life they had created, or whatever. I must tell you, there is nothing more bizarre than counseling one's own parent, by phone, on how to secure an apartment, and then later how to get out of one's lease when said parent decides to go back home.

My mother met my step-father in nursing school, where she went after my father left. He had never been married and didn't have any children and was probably certifiable to marry my mother with four daughters under 16. When they weren't quite ready to commit when they graduated in 1984, we returned to OH where my parents were from, and my mother worked, my grandmother watched us after school, and he, apparently, pined for her.

So the next year, we all moved back to WI and they got married. He is the perfect step-dad, if such a thing exists. Understanding that we already have a father and that his primary role is as my mother's husband and looking out for us silently behind the scenes.

Marriage/life lessons learned:
Don't date seriously in high school (check).
Don't leave school for any guy, or any other reason (check).
Be able to take care of yourself before (and after) you get married (check).
Don't have fanciful notions of what marriage will be like (check).
Marriage is hard work (check).
Don't have more children than you can take care of, or than you agree to have (check).
Don't marry someone who is immature (check).
At the end of the day, the best you can do for your kids is love each other (check).
You have to have your own identity outside of being a spouse and parent (check).
Marry someone who knows what a good marriage looks like, because their parents have one (check).

I could go on...

I'm curious what you learned from your parents (or others) about marriage? Do share.