14 hours later...

I didn't know what to call this post, as I have but a few wits about me now that I've gotten only a few hours sleep in the last day and a half.

It all happened really quickly, I was pregnant and then I just wasn't. Last night I wasn't feeling well, which isn't anything new, but it was worse/different than normal. I was nauseous and tired and just wanted to go to bed when I got home from work. I ate some dinner and tried to fall asleep, which I did for a few hours. Then when I got up to go to the bathroom @ ~11:30 I was really uncomfortable and started having more discharge than normal. Then I had the first tiny bit of blood. I knew not to panic, as honestly I was expecting some at some point, if not I would have been the luckiest IVFer in the world to not see any. I figured up to now I was either really lucky or on borrowed time. I was also well aware of the fact that the majority of IVF ladies who got pg when I did, had already lost their babies. :(

I called the clinic to leave a msg. to get in today for an u/s to make sure everything was okay (something I was toying with this week anyway, being a week into our three week wait until our scheduled OB appt. in Jan). Then I went to the bathroom again, and our baby was just sitting on my pantyliner and then I started gushing. I can honestly say that this is the only good thing about this whole situation. That I got to see him/her, and say goodbye. I know that's probably sounds really hokey, but it's like they say about an open casket at a funeral, it helps give you closure (whatever that is). Our little fetus (I can't believe and am so thankful we actually made it this far) was so small, it was really amazing to think that just over a week before we'd seen its tiny heart beating and I had been reading about how all its organs were present and it was starting to move around.

But that was last week, when I was pregnant and my husband was in the country. I called him and thankfully didn't have too much trouble reaching him (after calling the house and talking to his mom, I reached him out on his cell). I can only imagine that harder than being here alone and making the call, would be receiving it and not being able to do anything. He is looking into earlier return flights, but honestly there isn't much he can do for me here/now and my mom is coming this weekend. We've been on the phone constantly since.

After I passed the baby, I paged the RE, and the IVF nurse called me back ~1am. She'd only gotten the msg. that I was bleeding, not that I had passed the baby. She was very kind and spent a lot of time on the phone with me and told me to call when the office opened @ 6:30 (where she also left word) and get in to see the Dr. right away.

I laid awake all night alternating between laying in bed (with a huge pad, heat and towel) trying to relax between cramps and going to the bathroom when my uterus would over the next several hours empty itself of all its contents. When I went to the RE for my u/s at 8:30, everything but my still thick lining was gone. I can't say enough about the awesome nurses and Dr. D at AF, they are really the best. But we were all so discombobulated after the u/s and discussions about what to do with the fetus (where to send it and what tests would be done), they sent me off before taking my blood tests and vitals. Fortunately, since I was too out of it to turn around when I thought of it, I got their messages before I got halfway home and went back and had everything else done.

We opted for "experimental" (scan) chromosomal testing, as the standard procedure (tissue growth) is typically done when the fetus and placenta are "fresh" from a D&C (which the RE told me I could do, though he didn't recommend it, and there seems little point to this now). Sadly the placenta is what would have been really helpful to have, but alas this was already gone.

The nurse has since called and my HCG is 16,503 which they will have to track down to zero over the coming weeks. My heart rate, which is usually very low ~50s- so Drs. always assume that I'm a runner, was over a 100, and with all the blood loss the Dr. gave me an Rx for heavy duty iron pills. If it had been over 120 and he was talking blood transfusions... I guess my CBC was fine, but my WBC count was 15 indicating an infection, though they think it's just from the m/c but to watch my symptoms carefully. I'm just to push liquids and take it easy. Not a problem since my wonderful boss has told me to stay home the rest of the week.

I honestly knew this could happen, that it was a distinct possibility, even though at this point (the 9th week) the odds were really low. It's just amazing how quickly something that you've worked and planned so hard for (our three year, $30K baby), want and already love so much, can be so cruelly snatched away. Hopefully we'll get some answers from all the testing.

My chart at the clinic has now gone from septate uterus to female infertility to pregnancy with a history of infertility to missed abortion... Hoping we can get that turned around again in due course.

Thanks for listening. I'm putting together a new tab on this cycle, pregnancy, and miscarriage, since I think baby deserves it. I'll warn you now that I'm posting a picture I took of my little one and I hope it doesn't offend.