300 posts and randomness

I know it's been crickets around here for a few days, but my internet @ work has been on the fritz (the horror!). Anyway, I'm back for my 300th post. Wahoo!

Sara's Bear (since I'm an absentee sister).

Things have been beyond nuts. My sister Sara had her second chemo treatment yesterday (she goes every third Monday), and is losing her hair. My family is still strangely divided over whether she should even be undergoing this treatment, mainly because my sister E (the one w/all the kids) decided for whatever reason that in her opinion, it was a bad idea. In an e-mail to me, she said it would be a "long 5 mos. for poor Sara", so not exactly a compelling argument against potentially life saving treatment.

Honestly, I haven't even talked to her about it, because she is overly dramatic and the only thing that really matters is that the case was made (pt. #1: the oncologists recommended it) for moving forward given the change in her tumor grade. Chance of recurrence w/o chemo: 30-40% w/a poor prognosis vs. 10% recurrence w/the chemo. I have a strong feeling that it has to do with her own self-interest (hello no more free childcare) due to her surprisingly reactionary views on the treatment. Though the mere idea of denying Sara treatment that any of the rest of us would receive without question, goes against everything my family has ever stood for as it relates to her.

E and my mother are very close, and not only is she upset with my mom for proceeding as she did (not opening it up to some kind of family vote or letting her decide) but is keeping her kids completely out of the house (where they usually spend a few days a week) which is causing added consternation for my mom, Sara and my ailing grandmother. E apparently is under the impression that any exposure to someone doing chemo could be harmful to the kids (when the only guideline is to not share a toilet for 48 hrs. after treatment, which none of them would), and though it is clearly better for Sara not be around them all the time given her comprimised immune system (though they don't go to day care or anywhere where they would pick up anything on their own, they presumably only catch what mom and dad bring home from work), at this point it seems like a power play. Though she obviously has the right to do what she wants with her own kids, after the ridiculous way she treated me over the holidays, I'm about ready to throw in the towel with her completely.

The latest development in the saga was that my father (who has been divorced from my mom for almost 30 yrs. and E cut off a decade ago), who was aware of what was happening, but detached and self-involved as he often is, decided out of nowhere that he wanted to interject himself into the situation, and in my mother's mind, interfere with Sara's treatment. So she called me on Friday all upset.

So at dysfunction junction, what's my function? I get to play mediator, again. I should have kept studying for the foreign service exam and worked for the State Dept. (like I considered after college), as working for Mid-east peace has got to be easier than this. I had a difficult conversation with him over the weekend and explained to him that while he can certainly meet w/the Drs. to educate himself about what is happening after the fact that: 1) the decision has already been made, 2) it was my mother's to make - though he was informed (he is co-guardian to Sara, but has basically opted out, since her dx in Sept.), and 3) in my mind it was the right (albeit difficult) one to make. My mom is an RN and knows the Drs. well who are caring for Sara. I wish I had been able to keep my cool, but unlike most of the family spats of the past that were about hurt feelings and unmet expectations, this is actually important and I got upset. He respected my position and ended up calling my mother just before the treatment yesterday to say he wouldn't be making it to the appt. w/the Drs. after all. She was thrilled, as she hates dealing w/him, but I'd be naive to think the problem has actually been solved.

It's Sara's 41st birthday on Saturday, so we are going up for a quick visit this weekend. It is also E's 38th on Thursday and Ben's 4th on Monday, but who knows if they will even come by. My poor mother, between caring for my terminal grandmother, Sara w/her chemo, and worrying about us, not to mention all these unnecessary shenanigans, she's in a worse spot than any of us and regardless of what we think, she needs and deserves our support.

On the home home front, I finally took some time this weekend to tackle our huge piles of medical paperwork, in preparation for tax time. All told, we spent almost exactly $10K OOP on medical expenses last year, almost entirely related to IF, and have nothing to show for it. And we have IF coverage and a $250 deductible PPO. Between the IVF and IUI meds, acupuncture, embryo freezing, our uncovered mtgs. w/Dr. David, two surgeries, etc., etc., I guess it all adds up. We cleaned out our HSA (from 2008) by summer, but the rest didn't come close to enough to write off.

How crazy is it that if we had kids (like we planned) we'd be getting huge tax credits and if we adopted (this yr. anyway) we get huge tax credits, but since we are chipping away at a medical issue, no dice.... In 2012, if we are lucky. This year, we owe, a lot, again...

We thought we had a lot riding on our IVF cycle, but now it really all rides on this FET. And unlike in November when we had the luxury of time off, now I will be living on the road in April and May, 16 cities in 7 weeks. Encompassing all my monitoring appts, transfer, and 2ww. To avoid this would push us back at least two months. Since it is probably unwise to quit my job when we don't know where we are w/treatments, and as we are staffed such that there is no one to take my place on the road, that is just the way it's going to be, for now...

Ironically, we could get the IF benefits we need if I took even a PT teller job at my local bank branch, but the loss in salary makes this a pretty ridiculous proposition at this point. Besides applying for jobs where I know there is coverage, I just got a lead from a headhunter about a somewhat promising job in the city, but even with a comparable salary and the possibility of IF bennies (which of course I wouldn't know about until after an offer), the long commute and being limited to clinics in the city is obviously off putting. We are in this strange limbo, not knowing what will work (and stick) when (if ever) and for how long to be able to make reasonable decisions about the other aspects of our lives (though our lives are all about this now).

So I continue to look around, we continue to stock pile cash (no shopping, no vacations), and we continue to pray that come May we will be pg again, and it will stick and we can get on with our lives... I never really wondered what purgatory looked like, but now I know.