The good news is that I'm pretty sure I finally ovulated. Yay! Not that this specifically really matters, since we can't even try for real this month (I guess b/c of the hysteroscopy), but that does mean that in about 12 days AF will come (hopefully) and we can finally get this show back on the road already.
I can't believe it's almost March (and daylight savings time, yay!) but that it will still be another two months until my transfer. I don't understand how the med protocol for an FET takes longer than a fresh cycle, it makes no sense to me. I want to fast forward. I want to be pregnant again. Sick and tired and pregnant, as soon as possible and for as long as possible.
I just found out that my youngest sister is moving to NYC this summer (from Minneapolis) with her boyfriend, so now I have yet another reason to spend more time there. My eldest sister is managing chemo as well as can be expected, but with her hair gone, she seems much smaller and weaker than she is now. She will be done in May.
Summer can't come soon enough, this winter has completely and totally blown...
Monday, February 28, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Normal
As much as anyone has told me this, there still doesn't seem anything "normal" about what we've been through. Normal people get pg on their own and carry to term. Both my RE and my long time gyne were adamant that "these things happen all the time", but as we all know they happen to a very very small minority of people (and we're already in a bunch of minority sub-groups already).
We got more test results back today. My TSH (which has been tested several times before) is normal at 1.83. Karyotyping for both of us also came back normal. We are still waiting on the APA, but I'm guessing all six of these will be normal too. This comes after a normal karyotyping on the baby, a normal ACA and LAC, and what was deemed an acceptable uterus.
The only thing that I've been definitively dx w/over the last 2 1/2 years is low progesterone, while not terribly exciting is not an inconsequential problem when trying to conceive and stay pg. It is called the "pregnancy hormone" after all. Though the baby could have already been gone for whatever unknowable reason and just expelled at the time of my m/c, it's not a coincidence that it would happen exactly eight weeks after my LMP, as I'm really that ridiculously regular. As an indication of this insane cycle, even though I bled for real 2 1/2 wks ago (after my beta finally went to zero after almost six wks post m/c) and the hysteroscopy was a wk and a half ago (w/none of the predicted spotting), I've been having PMS cramping/LBP and started spotting beginning Wed. night exactly eight wks after the m/c. I never spot, ever. WTF is wrong with me?
The only thing that keeps AF from coming when you are pg is progesterone, and until ten weeks it's entirely up to the mother's body to make it (then the placenta takes over) and apparently supplements don't always make up for someone with an existing deficiency. As much as I dislike it, I will of course be asking to stay on PIO for our FET, as I switched to Crinone after my BFP last time, since PIO is the only form of P4 that can be monitored w/blood tests, in hopes that this could potentially make a difference next time.
We got more test results back today. My TSH (which has been tested several times before) is normal at 1.83. Karyotyping for both of us also came back normal. We are still waiting on the APA, but I'm guessing all six of these will be normal too. This comes after a normal karyotyping on the baby, a normal ACA and LAC, and what was deemed an acceptable uterus.
The only thing that I've been definitively dx w/over the last 2 1/2 years is low progesterone, while not terribly exciting is not an inconsequential problem when trying to conceive and stay pg. It is called the "pregnancy hormone" after all. Though the baby could have already been gone for whatever unknowable reason and just expelled at the time of my m/c, it's not a coincidence that it would happen exactly eight weeks after my LMP, as I'm really that ridiculously regular. As an indication of this insane cycle, even though I bled for real 2 1/2 wks ago (after my beta finally went to zero after almost six wks post m/c) and the hysteroscopy was a wk and a half ago (w/none of the predicted spotting), I've been having PMS cramping/LBP and started spotting beginning Wed. night exactly eight wks after the m/c. I never spot, ever. WTF is wrong with me?
The only thing that keeps AF from coming when you are pg is progesterone, and until ten weeks it's entirely up to the mother's body to make it (then the placenta takes over) and apparently supplements don't always make up for someone with an existing deficiency. As much as I dislike it, I will of course be asking to stay on PIO for our FET, as I switched to Crinone after my BFP last time, since PIO is the only form of P4 that can be monitored w/blood tests, in hopes that this could potentially make a difference next time.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Counting weeks
It's now been eight weeks since I was eight weeks pg, but instead of 16 of course, I'm hopefully just two weeks out from starting BCP and nine weeks out from my transfer. Since we're a month behind where I thought we'd be, if all goes well, that puts us into January 2012 for an EDD instead of December. We'll be 35 and 36 by then... My goodness we've been at this a really long time.
So I guess I now need to start thinking about what to do with the seven weeks of vacation I've saved up (yet again), since another year (like the last three) has passed without me needing it for mat leave. If we get pg (and maybe if we don't) we are thinking about at least a week at the beach this summer and Italy for another (to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary) this fall.
Then I'd need to decide whether to leave and cash out my remaining weeks late in the year or stay on through my leave (to get this year's bonus at the end of next March), and then resign.
A girl can dream... ;)
So I guess I now need to start thinking about what to do with the seven weeks of vacation I've saved up (yet again), since another year (like the last three) has passed without me needing it for mat leave. If we get pg (and maybe if we don't) we are thinking about at least a week at the beach this summer and Italy for another (to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary) this fall.
Then I'd need to decide whether to leave and cash out my remaining weeks late in the year or stay on through my leave (to get this year's bonus at the end of next March), and then resign.
A girl can dream... ;)
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
300 posts and randomness
I know it's been crickets around here for a few days, but my internet @ work has been on the fritz (the horror!). Anyway, I'm back for my 300th post. Wahoo!
Sara's Bear (since I'm an absentee sister).
Things have been beyond nuts. My sister Sara had her second chemo treatment yesterday (she goes every third Monday), and is losing her hair. My family is still strangely divided over whether she should even be undergoing this treatment, mainly because my sister E (the one w/all the kids) decided for whatever reason that in her opinion, it was a bad idea. In an e-mail to me, she said it would be a "long 5 mos. for poor Sara", so not exactly a compelling argument against potentially life saving treatment.
Honestly, I haven't even talked to her about it, because she is overly dramatic and the only thing that really matters is that the case was made (pt. #1: the oncologists recommended it) for moving forward given the change in her tumor grade. Chance of recurrence w/o chemo: 30-40% w/a poor prognosis vs. 10% recurrence w/the chemo. I have a strong feeling that it has to do with her own self-interest (hello no more free childcare) due to her surprisingly reactionary views on the treatment. Though the mere idea of denying Sara treatment that any of the rest of us would receive without question, goes against everything my family has ever stood for as it relates to her.
E and my mother are very close, and not only is she upset with my mom for proceeding as she did (not opening it up to some kind of family vote or letting her decide) but is keeping her kids completely out of the house (where they usually spend a few days a week) which is causing added consternation for my mom, Sara and my ailing grandmother. E apparently is under the impression that any exposure to someone doing chemo could be harmful to the kids (when the only guideline is to not share a toilet for 48 hrs. after treatment, which none of them would), and though it is clearly better for Sara not be around them all the time given her comprimised immune system (though they don't go to day care or anywhere where they would pick up anything on their own, they presumably only catch what mom and dad bring home from work), at this point it seems like a power play. Though she obviously has the right to do what she wants with her own kids, after the ridiculous way she treated me over the holidays, I'm about ready to throw in the towel with her completely.
The latest development in the saga was that my father (who has been divorced from my mom for almost 30 yrs. and E cut off a decade ago), who was aware of what was happening, but detached and self-involved as he often is, decided out of nowhere that he wanted to interject himself into the situation, and in my mother's mind, interfere with Sara's treatment. So she called me on Friday all upset.
So at dysfunction junction, what's my function? I get to play mediator, again. I should have kept studying for the foreign service exam and worked for the State Dept. (like I considered after college), as working for Mid-east peace has got to be easier than this. I had a difficult conversation with him over the weekend and explained to him that while he can certainly meet w/the Drs. to educate himself about what is happening after the fact that: 1) the decision has already been made, 2) it was my mother's to make - though he was informed (he is co-guardian to Sara, but has basically opted out, since her dx in Sept.), and 3) in my mind it was the right (albeit difficult) one to make. My mom is an RN and knows the Drs. well who are caring for Sara. I wish I had been able to keep my cool, but unlike most of the family spats of the past that were about hurt feelings and unmet expectations, this is actually important and I got upset. He respected my position and ended up calling my mother just before the treatment yesterday to say he wouldn't be making it to the appt. w/the Drs. after all. She was thrilled, as she hates dealing w/him, but I'd be naive to think the problem has actually been solved.
It's Sara's 41st birthday on Saturday, so we are going up for a quick visit this weekend. It is also E's 38th on Thursday and Ben's 4th on Monday, but who knows if they will even come by. My poor mother, between caring for my terminal grandmother, Sara w/her chemo, and worrying about us, not to mention all these unnecessary shenanigans, she's in a worse spot than any of us and regardless of what we think, she needs and deserves our support.
On the home home front, I finally took some time this weekend to tackle our huge piles of medical paperwork, in preparation for tax time. All told, we spent almost exactly $10K OOP on medical expenses last year, almost entirely related to IF, and have nothing to show for it. And we have IF coverage and a $250 deductible PPO. Between the IVF and IUI meds, acupuncture, embryo freezing, our uncovered mtgs. w/Dr. David, two surgeries, etc., etc., I guess it all adds up. We cleaned out our HSA (from 2008) by summer, but the rest didn't come close to enough to write off.
How crazy is it that if we had kids (like we planned) we'd be getting huge tax credits and if we adopted (this yr. anyway) we get huge tax credits, but since we are chipping away at a medical issue, no dice.... In 2012, if we are lucky. This year, we owe, a lot, again...
We thought we had a lot riding on our IVF cycle, but now it really all rides on this FET. And unlike in November when we had the luxury of time off, now I will be living on the road in April and May, 16 cities in 7 weeks. Encompassing all my monitoring appts, transfer, and 2ww. To avoid this would push us back at least two months. Since it is probably unwise to quit my job when we don't know where we are w/treatments, and as we are staffed such that there is no one to take my place on the road, that is just the way it's going to be, for now...
Ironically, we could get the IF benefits we need if I took even a PT teller job at my local bank branch, but the loss in salary makes this a pretty ridiculous proposition at this point. Besides applying for jobs where I know there is coverage, I just got a lead from a headhunter about a somewhat promising job in the city, but even with a comparable salary and the possibility of IF bennies (which of course I wouldn't know about until after an offer), the long commute and being limited to clinics in the city is obviously off putting. We are in this strange limbo, not knowing what will work (and stick) when (if ever) and for how long to be able to make reasonable decisions about the other aspects of our lives (though our lives are all about this now).
So I continue to look around, we continue to stock pile cash (no shopping, no vacations), and we continue to pray that come May we will be pg again, and it will stick and we can get on with our lives... I never really wondered what purgatory looked like, but now I know.
Sara's Bear (since I'm an absentee sister).Things have been beyond nuts. My sister Sara had her second chemo treatment yesterday (she goes every third Monday), and is losing her hair. My family is still strangely divided over whether she should even be undergoing this treatment, mainly because my sister E (the one w/all the kids) decided for whatever reason that in her opinion, it was a bad idea. In an e-mail to me, she said it would be a "long 5 mos. for poor Sara", so not exactly a compelling argument against potentially life saving treatment.
Honestly, I haven't even talked to her about it, because she is overly dramatic and the only thing that really matters is that the case was made (pt. #1: the oncologists recommended it) for moving forward given the change in her tumor grade. Chance of recurrence w/o chemo: 30-40% w/a poor prognosis vs. 10% recurrence w/the chemo. I have a strong feeling that it has to do with her own self-interest (hello no more free childcare) due to her surprisingly reactionary views on the treatment. Though the mere idea of denying Sara treatment that any of the rest of us would receive without question, goes against everything my family has ever stood for as it relates to her.
E and my mother are very close, and not only is she upset with my mom for proceeding as she did (not opening it up to some kind of family vote or letting her decide) but is keeping her kids completely out of the house (where they usually spend a few days a week) which is causing added consternation for my mom, Sara and my ailing grandmother. E apparently is under the impression that any exposure to someone doing chemo could be harmful to the kids (when the only guideline is to not share a toilet for 48 hrs. after treatment, which none of them would), and though it is clearly better for Sara not be around them all the time given her comprimised immune system (though they don't go to day care or anywhere where they would pick up anything on their own, they presumably only catch what mom and dad bring home from work), at this point it seems like a power play. Though she obviously has the right to do what she wants with her own kids, after the ridiculous way she treated me over the holidays, I'm about ready to throw in the towel with her completely.
The latest development in the saga was that my father (who has been divorced from my mom for almost 30 yrs. and E cut off a decade ago), who was aware of what was happening, but detached and self-involved as he often is, decided out of nowhere that he wanted to interject himself into the situation, and in my mother's mind, interfere with Sara's treatment. So she called me on Friday all upset.
So at dysfunction junction, what's my function? I get to play mediator, again. I should have kept studying for the foreign service exam and worked for the State Dept. (like I considered after college), as working for Mid-east peace has got to be easier than this. I had a difficult conversation with him over the weekend and explained to him that while he can certainly meet w/the Drs. to educate himself about what is happening after the fact that: 1) the decision has already been made, 2) it was my mother's to make - though he was informed (he is co-guardian to Sara, but has basically opted out, since her dx in Sept.), and 3) in my mind it was the right (albeit difficult) one to make. My mom is an RN and knows the Drs. well who are caring for Sara. I wish I had been able to keep my cool, but unlike most of the family spats of the past that were about hurt feelings and unmet expectations, this is actually important and I got upset. He respected my position and ended up calling my mother just before the treatment yesterday to say he wouldn't be making it to the appt. w/the Drs. after all. She was thrilled, as she hates dealing w/him, but I'd be naive to think the problem has actually been solved.
It's Sara's 41st birthday on Saturday, so we are going up for a quick visit this weekend. It is also E's 38th on Thursday and Ben's 4th on Monday, but who knows if they will even come by. My poor mother, between caring for my terminal grandmother, Sara w/her chemo, and worrying about us, not to mention all these unnecessary shenanigans, she's in a worse spot than any of us and regardless of what we think, she needs and deserves our support.
On the home home front, I finally took some time this weekend to tackle our huge piles of medical paperwork, in preparation for tax time. All told, we spent almost exactly $10K OOP on medical expenses last year, almost entirely related to IF, and have nothing to show for it. And we have IF coverage and a $250 deductible PPO. Between the IVF and IUI meds, acupuncture, embryo freezing, our uncovered mtgs. w/Dr. David, two surgeries, etc., etc., I guess it all adds up. We cleaned out our HSA (from 2008) by summer, but the rest didn't come close to enough to write off.
How crazy is it that if we had kids (like we planned) we'd be getting huge tax credits and if we adopted (this yr. anyway) we get huge tax credits, but since we are chipping away at a medical issue, no dice.... In 2012, if we are lucky. This year, we owe, a lot, again...
We thought we had a lot riding on our IVF cycle, but now it really all rides on this FET. And unlike in November when we had the luxury of time off, now I will be living on the road in April and May, 16 cities in 7 weeks. Encompassing all my monitoring appts, transfer, and 2ww. To avoid this would push us back at least two months. Since it is probably unwise to quit my job when we don't know where we are w/treatments, and as we are staffed such that there is no one to take my place on the road, that is just the way it's going to be, for now...
Ironically, we could get the IF benefits we need if I took even a PT teller job at my local bank branch, but the loss in salary makes this a pretty ridiculous proposition at this point. Besides applying for jobs where I know there is coverage, I just got a lead from a headhunter about a somewhat promising job in the city, but even with a comparable salary and the possibility of IF bennies (which of course I wouldn't know about until after an offer), the long commute and being limited to clinics in the city is obviously off putting. We are in this strange limbo, not knowing what will work (and stick) when (if ever) and for how long to be able to make reasonable decisions about the other aspects of our lives (though our lives are all about this now).
So I continue to look around, we continue to stock pile cash (no shopping, no vacations), and we continue to pray that come May we will be pg again, and it will stick and we can get on with our lives... I never really wondered what purgatory looked like, but now I know.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Fertility, infertility, and loss
Interesting article on fertility, infertility and pregnancy loss.
Excerpt...
Fertility, subfertility and superfertility
Put simply, pregnancy requires little more than implantation of a developmentally
competent embryo into the receptive endometrium. In many species, pregnancy is readily achieved and maintained. In humans, however, the prevalence of subfertility is high and increasing, affecting one in six couples in developed countries (Evers, 2002).
Fertility can be measured by the time taken to achieve pregnancy. Time-to-pregnancy (TTP) is expressed in monthly fecundity rates (MFRs), i.e. the probability of achieving pregnancy within one menstrual cycle. The average MFR in humans is, compared with other mammalian species, relatively low at 20% (Stevens, 1997; Viudes-de-Castro and Vicente, 1997; Evers, 2002). On the basis of this MFR, a simple mathematical model predicts that 74, 93 and 100% of normally fertile couples will conceive in 6, 12 and 24
months, respectively. Along the same lines, moderate and severe subfertilities have been defined by MFRs of 5 and 1%, respectively (Evers, 2002). At the other end of the spectrum, superfertility can be characterized with MFRs of 60% or more. According to this model, superfertile couples achieve 94 and 100% of pregnancies within 3 and 6 months, respectively. On the basis of the Tietze model (Tietze et al., 1950; Evers, 2002), it has been estimated that 79% of the population is fertile, 18% subfertile or infertile and 3% superfertile...
So yes my older sister E is officially a super duper "superfertile" with a 100% hit rate on four tries, and I am an infertile (oh no wait, I think I prefer "moderately to severely subfertile"). Sounds so much better... :/
Excerpt...
Fertility, subfertility and superfertility
Put simply, pregnancy requires little more than implantation of a developmentally
competent embryo into the receptive endometrium. In many species, pregnancy is readily achieved and maintained. In humans, however, the prevalence of subfertility is high and increasing, affecting one in six couples in developed countries (Evers, 2002).
Fertility can be measured by the time taken to achieve pregnancy. Time-to-pregnancy (TTP) is expressed in monthly fecundity rates (MFRs), i.e. the probability of achieving pregnancy within one menstrual cycle. The average MFR in humans is, compared with other mammalian species, relatively low at 20% (Stevens, 1997; Viudes-de-Castro and Vicente, 1997; Evers, 2002). On the basis of this MFR, a simple mathematical model predicts that 74, 93 and 100% of normally fertile couples will conceive in 6, 12 and 24
months, respectively. Along the same lines, moderate and severe subfertilities have been defined by MFRs of 5 and 1%, respectively (Evers, 2002). At the other end of the spectrum, superfertility can be characterized with MFRs of 60% or more. According to this model, superfertile couples achieve 94 and 100% of pregnancies within 3 and 6 months, respectively. On the basis of the Tietze model (Tietze et al., 1950; Evers, 2002), it has been estimated that 79% of the population is fertile, 18% subfertile or infertile and 3% superfertile...
So yes my older sister E is officially a super duper "superfertile" with a 100% hit rate on four tries, and I am an infertile (oh no wait, I think I prefer "moderately to severely subfertile"). Sounds so much better... :/
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Surgery consult
I went back to the clinic this morning for a consult with my surgeon, based on the feedback from all the scans we had done with our RE on Tuesday. Dr. D does not think that we need to do another surgery based on my 7mm remaining septum. He said there is no reason to believe that removing any more of it would make a difference in the outcome of future cycles and he didn't believe it contributed to our loss. He was open to going in again, if I wanted to, but he didn't recommend it as the closer we get to the top of the uterine cavity, the greater the risk of perforating it (a major complication). I guess that was a relief to hear, as I have no desire to go through the risks of the procedure, balloon, the high dose hormones, and any complications (not to mention the lost months) if there is no indicated reason to do so. My previous surgeries made IVF seem like a walk on the beach.
We did get to randomly talking about their shared risk program and he said that while the cut off for AMA is somewhat arbitrary based on various risk studies, that I would still have to pay the higher (35+) price once I cross that line (in Sept.), so opting in now doesn't really help us and he wasn't sure that based on having had and still having even a tiny remaining septum, if I would even qualify. Not so encouraging...
But if our upcoming FET fails, we are likely going to be doing one cycle at a time, or even better yet hopefully (fingers crossed) have some sort of coverage set up, so we don't have to start paying completely OOP. Something to keep me busy in the next two plus months until transfer. I feel like my whole life now is about waiting and wishing time away, which is pretty sad...
We did get to randomly talking about their shared risk program and he said that while the cut off for AMA is somewhat arbitrary based on various risk studies, that I would still have to pay the higher (35+) price once I cross that line (in Sept.), so opting in now doesn't really help us and he wasn't sure that based on having had and still having even a tiny remaining septum, if I would even qualify. Not so encouraging...
But if our upcoming FET fails, we are likely going to be doing one cycle at a time, or even better yet hopefully (fingers crossed) have some sort of coverage set up, so we don't have to start paying completely OOP. Something to keep me busy in the next two plus months until transfer. I feel like my whole life now is about waiting and wishing time away, which is pretty sad...
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
I thought Groundhog Day was two weeks ago
But we just keep living the same story over and over again...
My post m/c hysteroscopy, HSG, 3-D saline u/s were this morning and went fine. I've finally got the full bladder thing down now, after the disasters that were our mock transfer (not enough) and ET (too much). I just have to empty completely (multiple times) and then drink much less than they advise. It was painful as they put the probes in, but honestly at this point I think I have developed a ridiculously high pain tolerance.
What the veritable multimedia presentation did show was that my uterus is still quite V-shaped from my septum. It measures less than 1 cm, but Dr. S (who didn't do my last surgery) advised that since we've now had a loss, that we consider going in again, as it's a risk factor. He doesn't do surgeries anymore, just procedures, so I set up a consult w/Dr. D (who did my last surgery) this Thursday to discuss whether he thinks in light of our m/c, if we should try to remove even more of it, by having yet another surgery (this would be #4, #3 on the septum, in case you've lost count).
DH came along and we both got our blood drawn for karyotyping, and I also got another seven vials taken for the other six tests of the APA (after the ACA) and the TSH (thyroid panel).
If we don't end up doing another surgery, and proceed with the FET as planned, then I have to wait to bleed again normally. Assuming AF is on time in early March, then I'd start 10 days of BCP, followed by a few days of Lupron and another bleed after this two weeks. Then baseline in late March, followed by two weeks of estrogen, and a lining check in mid-April. Then a week of progesterone and another check, with the transfer at the end of April. Given that I'm supposed to be traveling nearly 100% for work in April/May, I guess doing another surgery, which would push back the FET until after Memorial Day would actually be easier to coordinate.
If my uterus is a/the problem, I'm not interested in gambling with more of our babies in there until it's taken care of. Though of course, we've been under the impression that it had been, the last two times... Lord please grant me more patience to deal with all of this nonsense.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Love and hate
I hope everyone is having a great Valentine's Day, and had a great weekend.
We had a lovely time at The Pen. Seriously, every time I go there I want to go up to someone and offer them everything I have just to live there, quietly in a small closet. I love that place. Now back to reality...
As we were getting ready to head out the door on Saturday, I get an EOB in the mail for the testing that we had done on the baby by GSN. Of course the nearly $3K in charges was confirmed by yours truly to be covered on the very day of the loss, but some administrative snafu, as always seems to happen, kept this from being taken care of as it should have been and now I get to add it to my list of things to do.
I'm not going to bag on insurance companies, as they are necessary evil in our system, and I work for one (and have for several others over the last several years, including BCBS), but after the call I got a few weeks ago wanting to sign me up for their maternity program after all of the time I've spent with them on the phone the last several weeks talking about my m/c claims and them paying said claims, you'd think they'd have a little bit more of a clue. I hate dealing with things (esp. admin work and insensitive phone calls) that are the result of other people not doing their job properly.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Well, it's time
...To go on our (thought we were having a) babymoon and celebrate our 7th Valentine's Day together. See you Monday...
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Bling bling
What happens when the things that really matter (family, health, etc.) are not going your way in any kind of way and there isn't anything you can do about it? You focus on things that don't matter, but you have some control over...
DH is always dying to buy/give me jewelry. It's a huge part of his culture (Indian) and of his family (they are in the biz). As I've said before, this is all lost on me as I'm just not a big jewelry wearer. Small earrings, a simple watch, wedding and engagement rings are my standard daily jewelry wardrobe.
But when we finally got pregnant, I agreed to let him buy me another wedding band to wear with my engagement ring and my 7-stone diamond wedding band. But alas, when we went to the jewelry store late last year to order it, the one we bought five years ago was no longer available. So no ring, and as you know, no baby either...
So the solution was a new watch, isn't it pretty? I like the mother of pearl face, it's a fun little twist.
My last Swiss Army Officer's watch (sans diamonds) was courtesy of me winning the grand prize at the last Marshall Fields/The Knot wedding extravaganza five years ago (and apparently the last time luck was on our side), though I was ironically getting ready to drop the cash on one for myself right before that (I had just bought one for DH for his 30th, so we donated the men's version we won to charity). Mine died completely and inexplicably recently and I responsibly decided to replace it with a much cheaper watch, which made me kinda sad whenever I looked at it (pathetic, I know). So now I have the watch I used to have (with an upgrade) and the diamonds make it jewelry. Here's to buying smiles when life gives you tears... :)
DH is always dying to buy/give me jewelry. It's a huge part of his culture (Indian) and of his family (they are in the biz). As I've said before, this is all lost on me as I'm just not a big jewelry wearer. Small earrings, a simple watch, wedding and engagement rings are my standard daily jewelry wardrobe.
But when we finally got pregnant, I agreed to let him buy me another wedding band to wear with my engagement ring and my 7-stone diamond wedding band. But alas, when we went to the jewelry store late last year to order it, the one we bought five years ago was no longer available. So no ring, and as you know, no baby either...
So the solution was a new watch, isn't it pretty? I like the mother of pearl face, it's a fun little twist.
My last Swiss Army Officer's watch (sans diamonds) was courtesy of me winning the grand prize at the last Marshall Fields/The Knot wedding extravaganza five years ago (and apparently the last time luck was on our side), though I was ironically getting ready to drop the cash on one for myself right before that (I had just bought one for DH for his 30th, so we donated the men's version we won to charity). Mine died completely and inexplicably recently and I responsibly decided to replace it with a much cheaper watch, which made me kinda sad whenever I looked at it (pathetic, I know). So now I have the watch I used to have (with an upgrade) and the diamonds make it jewelry. Here's to buying smiles when life gives you tears... :)
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Hysteroscopy #4 scheduled
Well, this one will be a little different than my others, which hopefully will be good. Just in-office, no hospital. But when they told me that there will be NO sedation of any kind, so no need to have a driver (DH), I was a little freaked out. I've had a general for two of them (one was a lap too) and a local (but was completely out) for the other, though these were surgeries where they were actually planning to remove things. I guess this one is diagnostic, which a chance of scraping. It's next Tuesday morning, so it'll be a really early morning. I'm taking the day off. Hope all is well in the ute and we can get this party started.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Let's get it started
Well... what a difference a day makes. AF decided to show finally late yesterday, after taunting me with cramping and back pain et al for days, so I'm throwing a little party over here. It isn't too bad and will be done by the weekend. ::big smiles::
Ironically, it was 27 months ago (almost to the day) that I was last staying downtown by myself for a work retreat when I got AF after our very first cycle TTC. But that was quite different. Not only was I not really prepared, it was the probably the most horrific period I've ever had. The pain and bleeding was worse that anything I had ever experienced, until my recent m/c of course. And I wasn't even late. One of the reasons why we didn't wait very long to see an RE. I knew something wasn't right.
So now I'll be getting my hysteroscopy and the rest of my (and DH's) bloodwork done next week. Then if all is good, we can begin the FET protocol (BCP, E2, P4, etc.) which will last 4-6 weeks. Part of me has a good feeling about the next cycle, but I'll be honest another part of me is petrified that our problem(s) has not and will not soon be uncovered and our journey is not yet nearing its happy end. But I really hope the second part of me is wrong and that 2011 is it for us.
Ironically, it was 27 months ago (almost to the day) that I was last staying downtown by myself for a work retreat when I got AF after our very first cycle TTC. But that was quite different. Not only was I not really prepared, it was the probably the most horrific period I've ever had. The pain and bleeding was worse that anything I had ever experienced, until my recent m/c of course. And I wasn't even late. One of the reasons why we didn't wait very long to see an RE. I knew something wasn't right.
So now I'll be getting my hysteroscopy and the rest of my (and DH's) bloodwork done next week. Then if all is good, we can begin the FET protocol (BCP, E2, P4, etc.) which will last 4-6 weeks. Part of me has a good feeling about the next cycle, but I'll be honest another part of me is petrified that our problem(s) has not and will not soon be uncovered and our journey is not yet nearing its happy end. But I really hope the second part of me is wrong and that 2011 is it for us.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Dealing with Disappointment
The understatement of the century, right? Or maybe just the theme of my life? Rather the program I'm going to tonight at Pulling Down the Moon (featured in yesterday's NY Times) in the city... And late night meeting downtown + early morning meeting downtown = staying over downtown. :)
Description of DWD class from FCI/PDTM:
"The fertility journey can sometimes be a physically, emotionally and spiritually challenging time, particularly when we endure loss and disappointment through miscarriage, still birth or failed cycles. Weakened relationships, loss of hope and/or giving up financial resources can also be emotionally draining.
Seldom is there a forum to help you put closure to these feelings of loss or grief. Life moves quickly, a new cycle begins, we head back to work and to the rituals of daily life, yet sometimes these experiences (or their memory) just don’t seem to leave us. They stick around in our consciousness leaving us feeling sad, stuck, unable to move forward or indecisive.
If you are someone who feels you could benefit by “clearing” or putting closure to some aspect of your fertility journey, please join us for a special ritual.
Using spiritual techniques from the yogic tradition we will first talk about negative thought forms, then proceed to the yoga room for the ceremony and clearing. The ceremony will use symbols, mantra, meditation and prayer to help remove those negative thought forms to help bring about a sense of peace deep within your consciousness."
Still waiting for my body to get with the program... I'm in week six post-m/c, though I bled for the first three. Hoping this is the week that AF decides to show, though I'm guessing it'll be bad, and would prefer for it not to ruin our much anticipated weekend @ The Pen. But we are obviously not in control of anything that happens, so we'll see...
Description of DWD class from FCI/PDTM:
"The fertility journey can sometimes be a physically, emotionally and spiritually challenging time, particularly when we endure loss and disappointment through miscarriage, still birth or failed cycles. Weakened relationships, loss of hope and/or giving up financial resources can also be emotionally draining.
Seldom is there a forum to help you put closure to these feelings of loss or grief. Life moves quickly, a new cycle begins, we head back to work and to the rituals of daily life, yet sometimes these experiences (or their memory) just don’t seem to leave us. They stick around in our consciousness leaving us feeling sad, stuck, unable to move forward or indecisive.
If you are someone who feels you could benefit by “clearing” or putting closure to some aspect of your fertility journey, please join us for a special ritual.
Using spiritual techniques from the yogic tradition we will first talk about negative thought forms, then proceed to the yoga room for the ceremony and clearing. The ceremony will use symbols, mantra, meditation and prayer to help remove those negative thought forms to help bring about a sense of peace deep within your consciousness."
Still waiting for my body to get with the program... I'm in week six post-m/c, though I bled for the first three. Hoping this is the week that AF decides to show, though I'm guessing it'll be bad, and would prefer for it not to ruin our much anticipated weekend @ The Pen. But we are obviously not in control of anything that happens, so we'll see...
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Living Room rework
Since we were stuck in the house for the last day and a half in this, I got to scheming (when I wasn't working, of course). ;)
This is how our living room has been arranged since we moved in five years ago, which I wrote about here in July.
Our living room furniture was the first thing to arrive (after us) as I had been eyeing it at Marshall Field's amazing furniture showroom on State St. (where I would go and wander during lunch when I worked nearby) since we decided we were moving, and then ordered it as soon as we decided on the house. I kind of regret getting the whole set now (too boring), though I love the furniture. It's super comfy and practical, even though it's formal.
In the spirit of working with what we have, I randomly decided to move stuff around, taking better advantage of our good sized room.
I still need to paint the second Katie table in earl gray to match the first. And hang our painting. We will eventually be closing off the room to the right/behind the screen (the den) to become another bedroom (which already opens onto the hall) when kiddos arrive and replace the existing opening with built-in book shelves.
I think the new arrangement makes the room feel much bigger and gives lots of space (that had been lost in the far end of the room) to the front which opens up the foyer even more.
As you can see, I'm all about not staging the pictures I take of the house. Or getting someone to put up the crown moulding. Or painting the woodwork or hanging the second set of West Elm panels on the upper door yet.
Our "new" art is courtesy of my grandmother. It was the only thing I requested when they were cleaning out her house recently. Let's be honest, it was one of the only antiques not already spoken for by my uncle, mother or sister. And since I've always liked it, (and had mentioned several years ago that I'd like it), I got it. It was painted by my great-great uncle Gabriel Miesse in 1900. Holy cow, right? A real deal antique/family heirloom. In our house. I guess he was quite the renaissance man, a physician, musician, artist... They don't make a lot of them like that anymore. Amazing how much gets lost in subsequent generations... Unfortunately, the frame didn't fare very well in the move from OH. But it'll have to be added character for now.
If I wasn't so dedicated to my spending moratorium (there's nothing like the fear of not having children and also having to stay in a job you hate forever to keep you from shopping), I would also be getting one of these from Wisteria, since I think it adds more visual interest than our current coffee table (which is not a major feat) without competing with what we already have going on. It would kind of blend into the "matching" Simon rug from Pottery Barn (circa 2007). But @ almost $700 (w/shipping), it's not happening. Not now anyway.
Isn't it nice? It reminds me of this... Sigh...
This is how our living room has been arranged since we moved in five years ago, which I wrote about here in July.
Our living room furniture was the first thing to arrive (after us) as I had been eyeing it at Marshall Field's amazing furniture showroom on State St. (where I would go and wander during lunch when I worked nearby) since we decided we were moving, and then ordered it as soon as we decided on the house. I kind of regret getting the whole set now (too boring), though I love the furniture. It's super comfy and practical, even though it's formal.
In the spirit of working with what we have, I randomly decided to move stuff around, taking better advantage of our good sized room.
I still need to paint the second Katie table in earl gray to match the first. And hang our painting. We will eventually be closing off the room to the right/behind the screen (the den) to become another bedroom (which already opens onto the hall) when kiddos arrive and replace the existing opening with built-in book shelves.
I think the new arrangement makes the room feel much bigger and gives lots of space (that had been lost in the far end of the room) to the front which opens up the foyer even more.
As you can see, I'm all about not staging the pictures I take of the house. Or getting someone to put up the crown moulding. Or painting the woodwork or hanging the second set of West Elm panels on the upper door yet.
Our "new" art is courtesy of my grandmother. It was the only thing I requested when they were cleaning out her house recently. Let's be honest, it was one of the only antiques not already spoken for by my uncle, mother or sister. And since I've always liked it, (and had mentioned several years ago that I'd like it), I got it. It was painted by my great-great uncle Gabriel Miesse in 1900. Holy cow, right? A real deal antique/family heirloom. In our house. I guess he was quite the renaissance man, a physician, musician, artist... They don't make a lot of them like that anymore. Amazing how much gets lost in subsequent generations... Unfortunately, the frame didn't fare very well in the move from OH. But it'll have to be added character for now.
If I wasn't so dedicated to my spending moratorium (there's nothing like the fear of not having children and also having to stay in a job you hate forever to keep you from shopping), I would also be getting one of these from Wisteria, since I think it adds more visual interest than our current coffee table (which is not a major feat) without competing with what we already have going on. It would kind of blend into the "matching" Simon rug from Pottery Barn (circa 2007). But @ almost $700 (w/shipping), it's not happening. Not now anyway.
Isn't it nice? It reminds me of this... Sigh...
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Lonny, Matchbook, High Gloss (oh my!)
In case waiting two months for each new issue of Lonny is too much, never fear! More eye candy and design inspiration is popping up everywhere with two new online decor/lifestyle mags to satiate the seemingly endless desire for faux lizard trays and ikat pillows.
Matchbook
My fave feature, 50 wardrobe classics (have 'em, love 'em, get 'em...)
High Gloss
In love with the feature on the San Fran Fairmont hotel, note to self: must go and stay there...
Matchbook
My fave feature, 50 wardrobe classics (have 'em, love 'em, get 'em...)
High Gloss
In love with the feature on the San Fran Fairmont hotel, note to self: must go and stay there...
Educating fertiles, one at a time (for now...)
Lucy Kellaway on what makes a good employer in the FT... (N.B. British paper, U.S. edition)
A good employer offers more than Botox
By Lucy Kellaway
Published: January 30 2011
Last week, Fortune magazine published its latest survey of the 100 best companies to work for in the US.
As I have never worked at any of them I can’t offer first hand corroboration of the rankings – though in 1981 I did try to get a job at Boston Consulting Group (rated number two in the Fortune list), but was rejected after letting slip in an interview that I had no idea what a learning curve was.
In an announcement posted on the BCG website, the consultancy explains how it comes to be the second-best company to work for in the whole country. “An emphasis on employee development, a collaborative culture, extensive training, high-impact client work, progressive benefits, and a commitment to social-responsibility initiatives contributed to the strong performance,” it says.
This doesn’t sound quite right. I’m not sure what “high-impact client work” is, so don’t understand why employee happiness stems from it. I am sure what “extensive training” is – and am equally sure that it is quite low down the list of what thrusting professionals are really after. As for “social-responsibility initiatives”, I’ve never met a strategy consultant who could honestly say that such things were what kept them in the job.
The magazine states that its ranking is “the most extensive employee survey in corporate America”. Indeed, to compile it, an awful lot of questionnaires appear to have been sent out, requiring the employees to complete a “trust index survey” and employers to conduct a “culture audit”.
Many of the companies that come out top of this exercise turn out to offer some pretty fancy benefits. One company has a clinic that gives staff Botox in their lunch break. Another teaches its employees Zumba, “a Latin-style dance exercise”. A third offers on-site pet care facilities and a fourth makes its corporate jet available to employees when there is a death in the family. A fifth gives members of staff having trouble getting pregnant $25,000 towards IVF treatment. (my emphasis)
Some of these benefits are more alluring than others. If a relative of mine died, I’m not sure that I’d be in the mood to enjoy the corporate jet. And I’m so very allergic to the thought of a Latin dance exercise, I’d pay my employer money to avoid having to take part.
But even if these perks were all things I wanted, they would make no difference to my assessment of whether my employer was a good one. Such benefits, even the nice ones, are all pretty creepy. There ought to exist a boundary between employer and employee – between home and work – and Botox and IVF are a long way on the wrong side of it. (my emphasis)
The problem with Fortune’s rankings – and with all similar ones – is not that the exercise is a daft one. Actually, it is quite worthwhile. It is helpful both to prospective employees and to managers. The problem is that it makes an extremely simple thing seem fantastically complicated.
We all know what distinguishes a good employer from a bad one. A good one provides four basic things. First, it makes sure that everyone has a proper job to do. Second, it pays them fairly. Third, it makes employees feel that their efforts are recognised. And fourth, it gives them nice people to work with. That’s all: there is nothing else.
Fortunately, there is an easy way to measure whether a company is succeeding at these things. It doesn’t involve answering tiresome questions on long feedback forms. It does not require any examination of benefits or of corporate social responsibility policies. There is nothing subjective about the test at all.
It simply measures how long people stay with a company. This is the only consideration that matters. Anyone who is not happy with their job will eventually go somewhere else. If most people stay put for a long time, the company automatically proves itself to be a good place to work.
I suggest two modifications to this test. The first is to ignore departures in the first two years of service – sometimes people are hired who should not have been, and some people have ants in their pants and so move on quickly, however decent their employer.
The other modification is to allow only for voluntary departures. Any company that responds to a dip in its business by firing its workers is not a good place to work. It therefore does not belong in any ranking – no matter how much Botox or Zumba it supplies to employees who are still on the payroll.
lucy.kellaway@ft.com
Copyright The Financial Times Limited 2011.
I couldn't help but send her a little note to let her know how important IVF coverage is (in the U.S. anyway). People in other industrialized nations (including the UK) fortunately don't have to worry as much about it as IVF is typically offered (and # of embryos transferred controlled) by the national health care system.
"Dear Ms. Kellaway,
As a longtime reader, I very much enjoy your column and yesterday's was no exception. I do, however, have to argue with your notion that employers offering (and even touting their) IVF coverage are somehow crossing the boundary that exists between home and work, which as anyone today with a laptop and a Blackberry knows is very tenuous indeed.
Unfortunately, in the U.S. health insurance is most accessible and affordable when received through one's employer, blurring that imaginary boundary. This generally is mutually beneficial, as employees who don't have to worry about health coverage, can better focus on their work. And after one is diagnosed with a health condition, it is impossible to get coverage in the open market. Infertility is a medical condition, but only 15 U.S. states have coverage mandates, and these have many many loopholes.
Speaking as someone who suffers from this heartbreaking condition (as do 1 in 8 couples), IVF coverage is very much a vital part of a comprehensive insurance offering for those who need it, however much it may creep you out. Given the cost of IVF, this coverage can mean the difference between being able to have children and not, which is no small thing and would undoubtedly bring about high employee loyalty (your key measure). As a testament to its value, your friends at BCG offer unlimited infertility coverage (which is obviously market leading and highly unusual). Though if you were able to build your family the traditional way, I can understand how you would underestimate its value.
Keep up the great work!
Best, Kate"
Lucy's prompt response...
"Dear Katherine
Thank you for your message. I'm sure that you are quite right. If I had had the misfortune to go through what you are going through, I would see this very differently. I did not mean for one minute to dismiss the value of IVF by bracketing it with Botox. And I do know how expensive and harrowing it is, and so to have an employer onside would be, I'm sure, a very great benefit.
Apologies for what must have seemed a most insensitive article.
Best wishes
Lucy Kellaway"
A good employer offers more than Botox
By Lucy Kellaway
Published: January 30 2011
Last week, Fortune magazine published its latest survey of the 100 best companies to work for in the US.
As I have never worked at any of them I can’t offer first hand corroboration of the rankings – though in 1981 I did try to get a job at Boston Consulting Group (rated number two in the Fortune list), but was rejected after letting slip in an interview that I had no idea what a learning curve was.
In an announcement posted on the BCG website, the consultancy explains how it comes to be the second-best company to work for in the whole country. “An emphasis on employee development, a collaborative culture, extensive training, high-impact client work, progressive benefits, and a commitment to social-responsibility initiatives contributed to the strong performance,” it says.
This doesn’t sound quite right. I’m not sure what “high-impact client work” is, so don’t understand why employee happiness stems from it. I am sure what “extensive training” is – and am equally sure that it is quite low down the list of what thrusting professionals are really after. As for “social-responsibility initiatives”, I’ve never met a strategy consultant who could honestly say that such things were what kept them in the job.
The magazine states that its ranking is “the most extensive employee survey in corporate America”. Indeed, to compile it, an awful lot of questionnaires appear to have been sent out, requiring the employees to complete a “trust index survey” and employers to conduct a “culture audit”.
Many of the companies that come out top of this exercise turn out to offer some pretty fancy benefits. One company has a clinic that gives staff Botox in their lunch break. Another teaches its employees Zumba, “a Latin-style dance exercise”. A third offers on-site pet care facilities and a fourth makes its corporate jet available to employees when there is a death in the family. A fifth gives members of staff having trouble getting pregnant $25,000 towards IVF treatment. (my emphasis)
Some of these benefits are more alluring than others. If a relative of mine died, I’m not sure that I’d be in the mood to enjoy the corporate jet. And I’m so very allergic to the thought of a Latin dance exercise, I’d pay my employer money to avoid having to take part.
But even if these perks were all things I wanted, they would make no difference to my assessment of whether my employer was a good one. Such benefits, even the nice ones, are all pretty creepy. There ought to exist a boundary between employer and employee – between home and work – and Botox and IVF are a long way on the wrong side of it. (my emphasis)
The problem with Fortune’s rankings – and with all similar ones – is not that the exercise is a daft one. Actually, it is quite worthwhile. It is helpful both to prospective employees and to managers. The problem is that it makes an extremely simple thing seem fantastically complicated.
We all know what distinguishes a good employer from a bad one. A good one provides four basic things. First, it makes sure that everyone has a proper job to do. Second, it pays them fairly. Third, it makes employees feel that their efforts are recognised. And fourth, it gives them nice people to work with. That’s all: there is nothing else.
Fortunately, there is an easy way to measure whether a company is succeeding at these things. It doesn’t involve answering tiresome questions on long feedback forms. It does not require any examination of benefits or of corporate social responsibility policies. There is nothing subjective about the test at all.
It simply measures how long people stay with a company. This is the only consideration that matters. Anyone who is not happy with their job will eventually go somewhere else. If most people stay put for a long time, the company automatically proves itself to be a good place to work.
I suggest two modifications to this test. The first is to ignore departures in the first two years of service – sometimes people are hired who should not have been, and some people have ants in their pants and so move on quickly, however decent their employer.
The other modification is to allow only for voluntary departures. Any company that responds to a dip in its business by firing its workers is not a good place to work. It therefore does not belong in any ranking – no matter how much Botox or Zumba it supplies to employees who are still on the payroll.
lucy.kellaway@ft.com
Copyright The Financial Times Limited 2011.
I couldn't help but send her a little note to let her know how important IVF coverage is (in the U.S. anyway). People in other industrialized nations (including the UK) fortunately don't have to worry as much about it as IVF is typically offered (and # of embryos transferred controlled) by the national health care system.
"Dear Ms. Kellaway,
As a longtime reader, I very much enjoy your column and yesterday's was no exception. I do, however, have to argue with your notion that employers offering (and even touting their) IVF coverage are somehow crossing the boundary that exists between home and work, which as anyone today with a laptop and a Blackberry knows is very tenuous indeed.
Unfortunately, in the U.S. health insurance is most accessible and affordable when received through one's employer, blurring that imaginary boundary. This generally is mutually beneficial, as employees who don't have to worry about health coverage, can better focus on their work. And after one is diagnosed with a health condition, it is impossible to get coverage in the open market. Infertility is a medical condition, but only 15 U.S. states have coverage mandates, and these have many many loopholes.
Speaking as someone who suffers from this heartbreaking condition (as do 1 in 8 couples), IVF coverage is very much a vital part of a comprehensive insurance offering for those who need it, however much it may creep you out. Given the cost of IVF, this coverage can mean the difference between being able to have children and not, which is no small thing and would undoubtedly bring about high employee loyalty (your key measure). As a testament to its value, your friends at BCG offer unlimited infertility coverage (which is obviously market leading and highly unusual). Though if you were able to build your family the traditional way, I can understand how you would underestimate its value.
Keep up the great work!
Best, Kate"
Lucy's prompt response...
"Dear Katherine
Thank you for your message. I'm sure that you are quite right. If I had had the misfortune to go through what you are going through, I would see this very differently. I did not mean for one minute to dismiss the value of IVF by bracketing it with Botox. And I do know how expensive and harrowing it is, and so to have an employer onside would be, I'm sure, a very great benefit.
Apologies for what must have seemed a most insensitive article.
Best wishes
Lucy Kellaway"