I debated writing about this at all, as people may wonder if I'm trying to garner sympathy, when I actually don't particularly enjoy sharing the intimacies of our lives. Except that I know there are other women out there going through what I have, which is the only reason why this blog is public. I've also learned that unless you've experienced a sudden and natural m/c (which I wouldn't wish on anyone), you (thankfully) have absolutely no idea what the experience is like. This is why I thought I'd share.
The single worst days of my life so far, last December 29 and 30, when we lost our baby, I was alone and naive. I had no idea what was happening. I had lower back pain and started cramping, but it was almost over before it began. I admit I think about it often, though not in a woe is me sort of way, but more like flashbacks to some sort of sneak attack. I've come to acknowledge that I likely have PTSD or something of the like. It impacted my ability to feel like I was useful at work and is one of the reasons why I decided to leave. And now, we are (thankfully) pregnant again, which brings with it all new sorts of anxiety. Like my irrational fear that the baby will come out when I'm going to the bathroom. If only I had learned of my loss via u/s like most people do, I could have an irrational fear them, not something I have to do many times a day.
Last night, I thought it was starting to happen again. I started having oddly painful cramps out of nowhere and my lower back was killing me. The horror of that night came back. I knew there was absolutely nothing I (or anyone else) could do if my cervix decided it was going to open up again, but I didn't have the benefit of the naivety that protected me that night, that is up until I ended up sitting there with my baby in my hands knowing there wasn't anything I could do to reverse what had happened.
Last night thankfully it ended differently. After several hours of alternating between the bed, where I dreaded waking up in a pool of blood (who thinks about messing their bed at a time like this?) and the toilet where I readied myself for the sight of what I wasn't ready to see before (but at this point it would just be blood, no baby), I wanted to think that maybe the uterine contractions I was having was it expanding rather than contracting. But why now and why such horrific pain? DH was beside himself. I had no idea before how huge the uterus gets even early in pregnancy, until of course I saw first hand all of the material that came out last time (it seems an unlimited amount of tissue and blood), and then I felt every millimeter of it shrinking back to it's regular tiny size in the subsequent days after my loss. Good to know.
We finally fell asleep and today I feel surprisingly good. I have no idea what the hell happened. Is this normal? Did we lose one? Is it over? I haven't bled at all. Hopefully it was just my initiation into this latest pregnancy, which is not otherwise making me sick at all. I don't really feel different or pregnant, though my tummy is already a tiny little bump. :)
The single worst days of my life so far, last December 29 and 30, when we lost our baby, I was alone and naive. I had no idea what was happening. I had lower back pain and started cramping, but it was almost over before it began. I admit I think about it often, though not in a woe is me sort of way, but more like flashbacks to some sort of sneak attack. I've come to acknowledge that I likely have PTSD or something of the like. It impacted my ability to feel like I was useful at work and is one of the reasons why I decided to leave. And now, we are (thankfully) pregnant again, which brings with it all new sorts of anxiety. Like my irrational fear that the baby will come out when I'm going to the bathroom. If only I had learned of my loss via u/s like most people do, I could have an irrational fear them, not something I have to do many times a day.
Last night, I thought it was starting to happen again. I started having oddly painful cramps out of nowhere and my lower back was killing me. The horror of that night came back. I knew there was absolutely nothing I (or anyone else) could do if my cervix decided it was going to open up again, but I didn't have the benefit of the naivety that protected me that night, that is up until I ended up sitting there with my baby in my hands knowing there wasn't anything I could do to reverse what had happened.
Last night thankfully it ended differently. After several hours of alternating between the bed, where I dreaded waking up in a pool of blood (who thinks about messing their bed at a time like this?) and the toilet where I readied myself for the sight of what I wasn't ready to see before (but at this point it would just be blood, no baby), I wanted to think that maybe the uterine contractions I was having was it expanding rather than contracting. But why now and why such horrific pain? DH was beside himself. I had no idea before how huge the uterus gets even early in pregnancy, until of course I saw first hand all of the material that came out last time (it seems an unlimited amount of tissue and blood), and then I felt every millimeter of it shrinking back to it's regular tiny size in the subsequent days after my loss. Good to know.
We finally fell asleep and today I feel surprisingly good. I have no idea what the hell happened. Is this normal? Did we lose one? Is it over? I haven't bled at all. Hopefully it was just my initiation into this latest pregnancy, which is not otherwise making me sick at all. I don't really feel different or pregnant, though my tummy is already a tiny little bump. :)
Your post makes me so sad. I can't relate to the pain you had to go through months ago, my previous loss was "only" a cp. But I can relate to the fear that carries over to this pregnancy. I spotted a bit this past weekend and was shaking thinking it was over. And cramps. So everytime I got to the bathroom I'm scared to see blood. Sorry, I'm rambling. Anyhow, I'm thinking of you and hoping everything is smooth for you, and us!, from here on out. *hugs*!!
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I'm so sorry you had such a scary night, and for your loss that makes you so afraid it will happen again. I pray that you never have to go through that again, and that as your pregnancy progresses you can find some measure of calm.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, rub that little bump and hang tight, little one! ((hugs))
Jeez! I'm glad everything turned out ok. You'd think the universe would cut us infertiles some slack! It's hard enough to get pregnant, so why do we have to live in fear of the worst too? I hope everything looks great @ your u/s.
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