Lessons from the flip side

I know some of you are already moms and others of you are still working on it, and then some of you are happily neither and just following along.  I think a lot about how people cross over to the other side when they've dealt with infertility (and loss as well), as it can be a somewhat contentious issue among infertiles.  My stance has always been that no one (infertile or not) should ever feel guilty or apologize for their good fortune in getting pregnant.  I'm not just saying this because we have been lucky enough to get pregnant again, but because I've lived quite happily with other people's success, for years now.

For many dealing with infertility, getting pregnant seems like a huge accomplishment, which it is, but sadly the really hard work is just beginning.  Depending on your dx, and many don't have one definitively, pregnancy may be as easy as it can ever be and for others, not so much.  Which seems to reek of something amiss in the karmic space, but these are not necessarily unrelated.  I was, of course, very recently reminded of this, yet again. 

The key causes of my infertility, as far as any of our RE's can tell, are hormonal and structural.  My body goes easy on the making of estrogen and progesterone, which is no minor detail, though it strangely doesn't result in odd cycles.  And after a cervical biopsy 13 yrs ago and my uterine malformation (a giant septum) and two resection surgeries (and a polyp surgery w/a D&C), my baby carrying equipment is in a relatively sad state.  These are two things that unfortunately for me, don't stop being an issue just because I'm able to get pregnant with the help of IVF. 

Yes, my two giant placentas should be making lots of progesterone by now and are clearly doing well enough to support the twins, but not so much my body on its own.  I know that I am very lucky that I don't have other underlying health or immunological issues and neither do we apparently have any significant gamete (egg or sperm) issues.  These unfortunately often cause people to cycle repeatedly, going through lots of eggs, embryos and even babies before finding the winners and coasting to home plate in this all too insane game of reproduction.  We've only ever had five embryos (out of 7 mature eggs), four of which were transferred, and three of which made it to heartbeat, which I'll admit is an amazing hit rate.  So not so infertile, you might say, but touche, it's just not that simple.

As you may remember, there was no explanation for our loss in December, given that the vast majority of first trimester losses are a result of chromosomal abnormalities.  Everything looked absolutely textbook perfect, until of course, it was over in a matter of minutes.  This happened four weeks after I voluntarily switched from my course of PIO to Crinone, as I was given the option and was told there was no difference.  I was not allowed to be on Crinone for pregnancy support during my next cycle, a tacit admission by my RE that this had obviously not worked for me.  There was also concern that my septum may have been a contributing factor, which is why we had another invasive scan and surgery consult after our loss.

When I passed my mucus plug @ 19 weeks during this pregnancy, after what was an uneventful first half, it was again four weeks since I had stopped my ridiculously long PIO regime.  I was eager to stop, but part of me was very anxious that my body had proven that it didn't do pregnancy well without the proper hormone supplementation, regardless of what my body was supposed to be doing.  So within a week and a half, we were back on progesterone again in an effort to keep my hacked cervix closed and the babies inside cooking.

So let my tales of woe be a lesson for all you who are still in the trenches.  Getting pregnant may seem like the holy grail, but sometimes it's not.  Try to find out what is keeping you from getting pregnant, if you can, and then be diligent about following through on this after you get pregnant, since that BFP is unfortunately not necessarily the answer and end to all your problems.