No miracle

I know it's been complete downersville around here lately, and I'm quite tired of writing about sad things. All the more reason we'd been hoping (way beyond reason) that this month could possibly bring us some positive news in the way of miracle pre-IVF/post-lap/septum removal/unexpected break BFP. But alas no dice, it wasn't in the cards for us.

It was longest cycle I've had in the two years I've been keeping track, five entire weeks instead of the usual four. So even though I didn't know exactly when I O'd (I ran out of the OPK I was using for IVF the day I left for India), I knew it was really late, very well because of the emotional trauma (also the likely cause of wads of my hair falling out :( ). We figured the only possible consolation for having lost S's dad so unexpectedly (on Grandparent's day, no less) in the middle of all of this, would be for us to come home to some good news and not have to do IVF after all. I know it's crazy given our lack of any success the last two years, but like I said, sometimes you throw reason out the window. Nothing really makes any sense anymore anyway.

So we are trying to put things back together as best we can. We can't get dad back or the anticipation we had going into September or even really the optimism we had going into our cycle. I was resigned to the fact that my main birthday present this year would be a big $2,500 OOP box of IVF drugs and the day was scheduled to bring AF and the beginning of stims. Instead it was the final day of the 13-day long funeral in India. We were supposed to start Lupron around our 4th wedding anniversary, but instead I was alone on a plane (and then a train) to meet my husband on the other side of the world. It's all still just so surreal.

So now that AF is finally here, I'll get a new IVF calendar.

My estimates based on the old schedule:
Begin OPK: 10/13
Ovulation: 10/17 (then begin Lupron)
AF: 10/30
Begin Gonal-F stims: ~Halloween
ER: wk of 11/7
ET: 5dt
Beta: wk of 11/21 (S's 35th b-day is 11/22) for an early August 2011 EDD, so very likely my last chance to have a baby before I myself turn 35 and am officially AMA.

So now I have to decide if I'm going to take leave. I finally looked up the personal leave policy at work and big surprise, HR are a bunch of idiots. I don't have to use all my PTO in order to take unpaid leave as they have a 5-day reserve they require you to keep (for when you return, or for me to roll over) and you don't have to use PTO you've purchased (my other week). Two weeks is exactly what I have left. I took a week of PTO for India and the other I was able to take as bereavement leave. After all we've been through and the horror stories about Lupron et al make me think that it would be a good idea. But it's a lot of money that we could use for future cycles or to help me retire ASAP...