My beta hCG finally came back from this morning, nine hours later... It was 3.9. It needs to be 2 or less to not have to continue testing. It was 11 a week and a half ago. But the nurse said that she will talk to Dr. S and see what he wants to do. She said at this level, she's seen him wait and she's seen him proceed. So we'll see.
So after more than a month, I am still officially pregnant, except of course I'm not. My first beta was two months ago, my last period three months ago. I should be 13 wks... Blah.
Update: I do not have to go back again for additional hCG testing, but just need to wait for AF. Hope she comes soon. :)
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Every great bag needs a matching shoe
Since I have a serious (and possibly unhealthy) obsession with and way too many of L.L. Bean's boat and tote bags (check out that monogram in the link BTW... ;) ), when I saw this recently (when my mom was here and dragged me to our local store), I couldn't help myself... ($6, but not available online)
And in keeping with the spirit of thinking warm and sunny and breezy thoughts,
there is new to Sperry Top-sider the perfect "matching" shoe. ($10, plus $2 shipping)
These will just have to tide me over until all this snow melts...
Thursday, January 27, 2011
A card campaign
My family and I really appreciate all the thoughts and prayers for my special sister Sara over the last few months as we've grappled with first her cancer dx and now her new treatment plan. Now that her five month chemo run is beginning on Monday, my younger sister Jen came up with the idea to start a card campaign for her to help lift her spirits while she is dealing with the effects of the chemo. So my sisters and I are getting our cards together so that she gets something from us everyday and rallying as many troops as we can find to help us out.
She LOVES getting mail (she LOVES people and is an absolute doll) and we know that she would love to hear from anyone who is thinking of her and wishing her well. If you want to make her day, please send a card, note, or anything with a teddy bear on it (her favorite) to: Sara G., 2719 Keith St., Eau Claire, WI, 54701. Many many thanks! :)
She LOVES getting mail (she LOVES people and is an absolute doll) and we know that she would love to hear from anyone who is thinking of her and wishing her well. If you want to make her day, please send a card, note, or anything with a teddy bear on it (her favorite) to: Sara G., 2719 Keith St., Eau Claire, WI, 54701. Many many thanks! :)
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Stylish Blogger Award
Thank you Magnolia/C from Come What May for this lovely Stylish Blogger award. I really hope that this cycle is your lucky one hon and am thankful to have met you (even though it was bc of shitty IF) and am so thankful that you are such a great friend.
Believe it or not, I'm actually quite shy IRL, though people who know me well would say not once you get to know me. But on here I'm waving around pictures of the inside of uterus, so it's kind of an icebreaker. ;)
Now for 7 random things you may or may not already know about me:
1) I'm a nerd (but w/social skills). I read the Economist and watch foreign affairs programs for fun. I'm unusually good at taking tests, always have been. I didn't have to work very hard to do well in school. I liked doing Calculus. Please don't hate me because I'm smart. ;)
2) I <3 being near the water, especially the ocean. Maybe it's because I grew up nowhere near it (in the landlocked middle of WI), but it makes me really happy and calm and serene. Someday, I will live on the water again.
3) I have three sisters (and a step-sister), and was raised by my mom mostly, and I went to a women's college (which I didn't particularly like), but ironically I much prefer to hang out with men than women generally. I'm pretty low key, low maintenance, and low drama and they are usually like that too.
4) My life changed forever when I came down with mono in college, at the end of the summer before my senior year. I was working three jobs, commuting between the Cape and Boston, and taking summer classes to graduate on time (since I had transferred from said women's college), enjoying my new boyfriend, and generally ready to take over the world. Then I got sick, and I've never really felt the same since. That was 12 years ago. I still tire easily, and have unfortunately had to adjust my life and career goals accordingly (no grad school, Wall Street or White House job for me :( ).
5) I'm really tall, about 5'11", and I like it, even though it's not always easy being tall in a short person's world. I've always been tall, like I'm in the back row of every school picture ever taken. I still have stretch marks on my legs and hips from my big growth spurt in grade school. I'm also kind of a klutz, and DH is about the same height, so it's mostly flats for me...
6) I don't run, though I was good at it when they made us do it in school. I think I'm missing the gene that makes people want to run marathons. I just don't get it. Everyone assumes I do because I'm lanky and athletic (or bc of how low my heart rate is), but I don't. When asked if I do, I say "only if someone is chasing me." :)
7) I really like to vacuum, and I hate to dust. I could take or leave other cleaning, though I like things to be clean, but I've always loved to vacuum. It's really inexplicable...
A dozen of my favorite uber-stylish blogs to check out (from the sidebar)...
Mrs. Hoppy @ Then there were two
Sulfa @ Close my eyes and Leap
R @ Gum, 2, 3, 4
Amanda @ From here to maternity
Lindsey @ We're Finally Three
Rachael @ There's no crying in baseball
L @ An Element of Blank
Niki @ It's Always Something
Anasara/S @ PCOS: Pretty Crappy Ovary Syndrome
Casey @ Align my heart, my body, my mind
L @ Life through my eyes
C @ The conception craze
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
We finally have a plan
So after much discussion, I think we finally have a plan to move forward. It couldn't come at a better time. Instead of focusing on the week that would have been and our much awaited first big pregnancy announcement that will never be, I'm trying to focus on what's coming next.
When my body gets back in the game (hopefully my hCG next week will be <2 and AF will not be far behind), and we can schedule my first in-office hysteroscopy (my 3 have all been @ a hospital) and then we will do a FET ASAP with our two frozen embryos w/our current clinic.
We finally decided against moving on to a fresh cycle with them (via shared risk) for a whole host of reasons that outweighed the benefits for us, including: the upfront OOP cost ($16K + monitoring + meds), the likelihood that we will not stay with (and didn't want to be tied to) this RE beyond this cycle based on our WTF, and that I don't know if I even want to do up to three more fresh cycles and any applicable FETs before moving on (DH certainly doesn't think we should).
Hopefully our m/c was just bad luck (or caused by something that can be corrected w/another hysteroscopy) and since we can get pg, dare I say, "easily" (like two years and an IVF later easily) that we can again. My RE said that he has no reason to think that we will not have children, but as my acupuncturist said we've just been chosen for a long and difficult road.
If the FET doesn't work or heaven forbid we m/c again, DH is already in talks with his employer to see if they will give us some additional coverage for IF (since we'll have exhausted the rest of our $15K lifetime max w/the FET) as they are self-insured. Fortunately, he has one of his bosses (an IF, IVF, m/c, and now adoption vet) to back him up, and you'd think it wouldn't be that big a deal since it's just a write-off for them, but we are not banking on this. I am also looking for a new job with nice fat IF bennies. Then we would likely get more testing and find yet another clinic (closer to wherever I'm working) to cycle again.
No one should have to mortgage their future for the shot at having a family, and while that is the reality of the current environment, I am certainly not above gaming the system for our benefit. We live in a mandate state for crying out loud (though neither of our employers are subject to it, they are both self-insured), and the last job I turned down (in Boston) before I accepted my current one had amazing IF benefits, before we knew we needed them. So even with this economy, hopefully it won't be impossible. But I've still got to stay on here as part of my indentured servitude until at least the end of March.
When my body gets back in the game (hopefully my hCG next week will be <2 and AF will not be far behind), and we can schedule my first in-office hysteroscopy (my 3 have all been @ a hospital) and then we will do a FET ASAP with our two frozen embryos w/our current clinic.
We finally decided against moving on to a fresh cycle with them (via shared risk) for a whole host of reasons that outweighed the benefits for us, including: the upfront OOP cost ($16K + monitoring + meds), the likelihood that we will not stay with (and didn't want to be tied to) this RE beyond this cycle based on our WTF, and that I don't know if I even want to do up to three more fresh cycles and any applicable FETs before moving on (DH certainly doesn't think we should).
Hopefully our m/c was just bad luck (or caused by something that can be corrected w/another hysteroscopy) and since we can get pg, dare I say, "easily" (like two years and an IVF later easily) that we can again. My RE said that he has no reason to think that we will not have children, but as my acupuncturist said we've just been chosen for a long and difficult road.
If the FET doesn't work or heaven forbid we m/c again, DH is already in talks with his employer to see if they will give us some additional coverage for IF (since we'll have exhausted the rest of our $15K lifetime max w/the FET) as they are self-insured. Fortunately, he has one of his bosses (an IF, IVF, m/c, and now adoption vet) to back him up, and you'd think it wouldn't be that big a deal since it's just a write-off for them, but we are not banking on this. I am also looking for a new job with nice fat IF bennies. Then we would likely get more testing and find yet another clinic (closer to wherever I'm working) to cycle again.
No one should have to mortgage their future for the shot at having a family, and while that is the reality of the current environment, I am certainly not above gaming the system for our benefit. We live in a mandate state for crying out loud (though neither of our employers are subject to it, they are both self-insured), and the last job I turned down (in Boston) before I accepted my current one had amazing IF benefits, before we knew we needed them. So even with this economy, hopefully it won't be impossible. But I've still got to stay on here as part of my indentured servitude until at least the end of March.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Tests and firsts
I just heard back on the tests we had run late last week, much earlier than expected. Don't worry, I requested a paper copy, just to be sure they actually did them. Everything came back normal. Info from here on what we did.
"Autoimmune testing for RPL:
•Anti-phospholipid Antibodies (yet to run)
•Anti-cardiolipin Antibodies
•Lupus Anticoagulant
Note that anti-cardiolipin antibodies (ACA) are part of the group of anti-phospholipid antibodies (the other six are Phosphoethanolamine, Phosphoinositol, Phosphatidic acid, Phosphoglycerol, Phosphoserine, and Phosphocholine). It is fairly common to test for ACA, but a full work-up includes all seven anti-phospholipid antibodies being checked for three markers: IgG, IgA and IgM markers (so 21 different markers in all).
These tests diagnose a condition that can cause mainly 2nd trimester losses due to blood clots forming in the vascular system of the placenta. The condition is also responsible for some late 1st trimester losses, after heartbeat is identified and some intra-uterine growth retardation has been observed.
This is the cause of about 10% or so of RPL. The treatment usually involves low-dose aspirin and heparin."
Other tests we are doing...
"•Chromosome Testing on Fetal (Miscarriage) Tissue - done (normal)
This can only be done right at the time of miscarriage. It is an analysis of the genetic makeup of the fetus. It can indicate genetic problems that lead to RPL. Many miscarriages are caused by chromosomal abnormalities that are unlikely to repeat. To know if the problem is likely to recur, it is necessary to study the genetics of both parents as well. (N.B. our testing was just of the chromosomes, not the genes)
•Karyotyping of Parents
Chromosome analysis of blood of both parents. It can show if there is a potential problem with one of the parents that leads to miscarriage, but often has to be done in conjunction with fetal testing to provide answers.
These tests help rule out the 3% or so of partners that carry a "hidden" chromosomal problem called a balanced translocation.
•Thyroid panel (TSH)
Thyroid problems can result in both fertility problems and miscarriage. If a problem is found, your physician will in many cases attempt to regulate the thyroid before another pregnancy is achieved.
•Hysteroscopy
This is usually done under local or general anesthesia. Your cervix is dilated in order to insert a tiny scope which the doctor uses for viewing the inside of your uterus. Often carbon dioxide gas is used to expand the uterus for better viewing. Minor abnormalities may be fixed during this procedure, and it is sometimes done in conjunction with a laparoscopy, hysterosalpingogram, and/or an endometrial biopsy. Timing within the cycle varies -- alone it might be done at the beginning of a cycle, with a laparoscopy it is usually done around ovulation, and with a biopsy it would be performed a few days before your period. Expect some discomfort and cramping afterward, spotting, and some shoulder pain if gas was used. It's probably a good idea to take the rest of the day off and relax. Have some over-the-counter pain relief available or ask your physician for a prescription."
Moving on in fits and starts...
At the prompting of my acupuncturist on Saturday, I had my first steak since the m/c this weekend, though I've eaten other meat in the last few weeks. She said that my blood deficiency (exacerbated by the massive and extended blood loss) was likely contributing to my chronic fatigue and headaches (which my nurse wouldn't let me take Excedrin for). She also started me back on the "Precious Sea" herbs that she had first given me last summer to help build up my blood (one of the only remaining IF meds I hadn't given away). It's silly I know, but I had a steak the night before the m/c and I was still having a negative association that I had to get over.
Also, now that I'm no longer bleeding (finally, yay!), I'm finally going back for a massage for the first time since the loss. I had had my first of the prenatal variety the weekend before it (after my not so relaxing family Christmas weekend), and while I know there is no connection and it was absolutely wonderful, it takes awhile to go back and retrace steps, if you KWIM. Totally irrational, I know, but there is little about any of this that is.
"Autoimmune testing for RPL:
•Anti-phospholipid Antibodies (yet to run)
•Anti-cardiolipin Antibodies
•Lupus Anticoagulant
Note that anti-cardiolipin antibodies (ACA) are part of the group of anti-phospholipid antibodies (the other six are Phosphoethanolamine, Phosphoinositol, Phosphatidic acid, Phosphoglycerol, Phosphoserine, and Phosphocholine). It is fairly common to test for ACA, but a full work-up includes all seven anti-phospholipid antibodies being checked for three markers: IgG, IgA and IgM markers (so 21 different markers in all).
These tests diagnose a condition that can cause mainly 2nd trimester losses due to blood clots forming in the vascular system of the placenta. The condition is also responsible for some late 1st trimester losses, after heartbeat is identified and some intra-uterine growth retardation has been observed.
This is the cause of about 10% or so of RPL. The treatment usually involves low-dose aspirin and heparin."
Other tests we are doing...
"•Chromosome Testing on Fetal (Miscarriage) Tissue - done (normal)
This can only be done right at the time of miscarriage. It is an analysis of the genetic makeup of the fetus. It can indicate genetic problems that lead to RPL. Many miscarriages are caused by chromosomal abnormalities that are unlikely to repeat. To know if the problem is likely to recur, it is necessary to study the genetics of both parents as well. (N.B. our testing was just of the chromosomes, not the genes)
•Karyotyping of Parents
Chromosome analysis of blood of both parents. It can show if there is a potential problem with one of the parents that leads to miscarriage, but often has to be done in conjunction with fetal testing to provide answers.
These tests help rule out the 3% or so of partners that carry a "hidden" chromosomal problem called a balanced translocation.
•Thyroid panel (TSH)
Thyroid problems can result in both fertility problems and miscarriage. If a problem is found, your physician will in many cases attempt to regulate the thyroid before another pregnancy is achieved.
•Hysteroscopy
This is usually done under local or general anesthesia. Your cervix is dilated in order to insert a tiny scope which the doctor uses for viewing the inside of your uterus. Often carbon dioxide gas is used to expand the uterus for better viewing. Minor abnormalities may be fixed during this procedure, and it is sometimes done in conjunction with a laparoscopy, hysterosalpingogram, and/or an endometrial biopsy. Timing within the cycle varies -- alone it might be done at the beginning of a cycle, with a laparoscopy it is usually done around ovulation, and with a biopsy it would be performed a few days before your period. Expect some discomfort and cramping afterward, spotting, and some shoulder pain if gas was used. It's probably a good idea to take the rest of the day off and relax. Have some over-the-counter pain relief available or ask your physician for a prescription."
Moving on in fits and starts...
At the prompting of my acupuncturist on Saturday, I had my first steak since the m/c this weekend, though I've eaten other meat in the last few weeks. She said that my blood deficiency (exacerbated by the massive and extended blood loss) was likely contributing to my chronic fatigue and headaches (which my nurse wouldn't let me take Excedrin for). She also started me back on the "Precious Sea" herbs that she had first given me last summer to help build up my blood (one of the only remaining IF meds I hadn't given away). It's silly I know, but I had a steak the night before the m/c and I was still having a negative association that I had to get over.
Also, now that I'm no longer bleeding (finally, yay!), I'm finally going back for a massage for the first time since the loss. I had had my first of the prenatal variety the weekend before it (after my not so relaxing family Christmas weekend), and while I know there is no connection and it was absolutely wonderful, it takes awhile to go back and retrace steps, if you KWIM. Totally irrational, I know, but there is little about any of this that is.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
1st Blogoversary!
Can you believe it? I've been tapping away over here for a whole year. It all started when DH and I went to the drop-in hour of an IF therapist a year ago, the same one who leads the biweekly support group that I'm blowing off this very morning, and she encouraged me to start journaling. And since I live in the 21st century, I figured that meant I needed to start a blog. So here we are.
Now I'm going to bore you with a rewind on what has happened since we started...
Last January, we had just started with a new RE (our 2nd, we've since been to three more), and were getting ready for my much anticipated septum surgery (I've since had another). We then went on to find out that instead of being completely unexplained, we are just sort of unexplained, since DH has marginal sperm morphology (which is not proven to prevent success, but certainly doesn't help). We had another failed IUI (this time w/injects) and after many delays finally got to do IVF, only to lose our baby in the 9th week. So now we are waiting to do yet another hysteroscopy to make sure all is good in the ute before proceeding with our FET. Lord help me if it's not.
So in short frankly we haven't really made a whole hell of a lot of progress. So here's to year two of blogging (and year three of TTC) being much more fruitful and productive than the last...
Thursday, January 20, 2011
It takes a village...
So I finally have a real update on what's happening with my sister Sara. For a refresher, she was dx w/fallopian tube cancer after having a hysterectomy in September. Then she had open biopsy surgery where they tested some 70 tissues in her abdomen to check for metastasis. The outcome was that is was stage 1 (contained), and grade 2 (from 1-3, moderately aggressive cells). This was the cutoff for not needing chemo, so that that was not part of the plan.
Well since then, since this type of cancer is so rare (esp. in someone who's only 40) her surgeon presented her case at a pathology conference. One of his colleagues pointed out that from the slides he thought it was grade 3 tumor cells (most aggressive) rather than 2. So then back home all the local pathologists got together, and out of the 11 of them, they split 6 (3) to 5 (2) on the grade. So the surgeon (who we all now love even more than before) reached out to leading pathologists in Boston. The two of them agreed that it was stage 3. So 3 it is.
So she starts 18 weeks (6 rounds, once every three weeks) of chemo on Jan. 31st, so it will go into May. She already got the button installed on her chest, so she won't have IVs each time. She will be on two different drugs, which I guess "counteract" each other so that the effects are somewhat less awful. But she will lose her hair. :( She will be given meds for the nausea and will be on whatever modified activity she needs to deal with the fatigue.
The chance of recurrance and mets with chemo should be low, which is good since the prognosis for fallopian tube cancer is similar, but even worse than ovarian, and I think most know how bad that is. My mom was not willing to risk this, given the change in grade.
Though apparently there is a debate going on in the family, primarily between my RN Mom and speech pathologist sister, the latter who thinks that the chemo will be too much for Sara. I agree with my mother, based on what I know, that she is much tougher than we give her credit for and did much better with her two surgeries than any of us imagined she would. So we'll see.
One step forward, two steps back...
Well since then, since this type of cancer is so rare (esp. in someone who's only 40) her surgeon presented her case at a pathology conference. One of his colleagues pointed out that from the slides he thought it was grade 3 tumor cells (most aggressive) rather than 2. So then back home all the local pathologists got together, and out of the 11 of them, they split 6 (3) to 5 (2) on the grade. So the surgeon (who we all now love even more than before) reached out to leading pathologists in Boston. The two of them agreed that it was stage 3. So 3 it is.
So she starts 18 weeks (6 rounds, once every three weeks) of chemo on Jan. 31st, so it will go into May. She already got the button installed on her chest, so she won't have IVs each time. She will be on two different drugs, which I guess "counteract" each other so that the effects are somewhat less awful. But she will lose her hair. :( She will be given meds for the nausea and will be on whatever modified activity she needs to deal with the fatigue.
The chance of recurrance and mets with chemo should be low, which is good since the prognosis for fallopian tube cancer is similar, but even worse than ovarian, and I think most know how bad that is. My mom was not willing to risk this, given the change in grade.
Though apparently there is a debate going on in the family, primarily between my RN Mom and speech pathologist sister, the latter who thinks that the chemo will be too much for Sara. I agree with my mother, based on what I know, that she is much tougher than we give her credit for and did much better with her two surgeries than any of us imagined she would. So we'll see.
One step forward, two steps back...
WTF
Well, we had our "WTF" mtg.(follow-up mtg. w/our RE to our IVF cycle) today. I, of course, had high hopes for sitting down with Dr. S and discussing what happened and what he thought, but was disappointed. He asked if I had any questions, which I of course had lots of pertaining to the cycle, the baby, testing, and next steps.
We started by talking about the cycle. He was happy with how things went, though he said he'd thought we'd have a few more eggs to work with (we had 10 retrieved, but only 7 were mature, and 5 fertilized w/ICSI), but that it was nothing to be concerned about. I asked about embryo quality, since we had never gotten any information on that. He said it was fine.
Then we talked about the baby. He didn't have much to say other than what we already knew. He said just because the chromosomal report was fine, doesn't mean there wasn't anything wrong with the baby but that there was not any way/use in finding out about genetic issues with her or us. I had never heard anything back on the testing on me the day of the m/c, so I guess they are checking into it.
I asked about other tests that we could do on us: MTHFR, celiac, other clotting issues (Lupus antiphospholipid antibodies), killer cells, infections, etc. He agreed to the clotting testing, though he said it's "unproven" whether having or treating this has any impact on m/c, though it would be std. to do after two or three. He said immunology is "voodoo" (no joke) and said that everyone who goes to one comes back with something and none of it is proven to have anything to do with what he does. So he's not a believer then, clearly. Good to know. He didn't think any of these other things were an issue.
He said we could do an office hysteroscopy before we cycle again (if we want), but that he didn't think my previously removed uterine septum was an issue with the m/c. After railing on about the scientific method for 45 mins., he said that it was just "bad luck". So there it is, I guess.
He said he thought there was no reason not to just do the FET (with our two frozen) vs. a new fresh cycle when we are ready, though we could decide what to do based on interest in shared risk. He made it clear there were no guarantees. Yeah, no shit Sherlock.
Overall, he was pretty defensive, though I very calmly asked my questions, which makes me nervous, but it just reinforced my understanding that his business is to get people pregnant (which he does very well BTW), but that his interests/knowledge/respect, etc. don't expand much beyond that.
My beta hCG is now 11, so "hopefully" I'll be bleeding again in no time (yippee!), though he said that sometimes people have already bled out completely (I can only hope, right?) and then it wouldn't come until a month later.
I haven't decided yet what we should do, I guess we need to think/talk about it more. I could go to see a local reproductive immunologist that was recommended to me by my acupuncturist (or another one by an IF friend) since we have time to burn, or just do the FET and see what happens. I am also looking for a new job (w/IF bennies), so we may do the FET and if that doesn't work, I will hopefully have benefits and likely be working downtown again and could find yet another RE and see what they say before we cycle again.
There's nothing like the intangibility of unexplained infertility and m/c to drive a person who likes to know WTF is going on a bit crazy. Keep Calm and Carry On...
We started by talking about the cycle. He was happy with how things went, though he said he'd thought we'd have a few more eggs to work with (we had 10 retrieved, but only 7 were mature, and 5 fertilized w/ICSI), but that it was nothing to be concerned about. I asked about embryo quality, since we had never gotten any information on that. He said it was fine.
Then we talked about the baby. He didn't have much to say other than what we already knew. He said just because the chromosomal report was fine, doesn't mean there wasn't anything wrong with the baby but that there was not any way/use in finding out about genetic issues with her or us. I had never heard anything back on the testing on me the day of the m/c, so I guess they are checking into it.
I asked about other tests that we could do on us: MTHFR, celiac, other clotting issues (Lupus antiphospholipid antibodies), killer cells, infections, etc. He agreed to the clotting testing, though he said it's "unproven" whether having or treating this has any impact on m/c, though it would be std. to do after two or three. He said immunology is "voodoo" (no joke) and said that everyone who goes to one comes back with something and none of it is proven to have anything to do with what he does. So he's not a believer then, clearly. Good to know. He didn't think any of these other things were an issue.
He said we could do an office hysteroscopy before we cycle again (if we want), but that he didn't think my previously removed uterine septum was an issue with the m/c. After railing on about the scientific method for 45 mins., he said that it was just "bad luck". So there it is, I guess.
He said he thought there was no reason not to just do the FET (with our two frozen) vs. a new fresh cycle when we are ready, though we could decide what to do based on interest in shared risk. He made it clear there were no guarantees. Yeah, no shit Sherlock.
Overall, he was pretty defensive, though I very calmly asked my questions, which makes me nervous, but it just reinforced my understanding that his business is to get people pregnant (which he does very well BTW), but that his interests/knowledge/respect, etc. don't expand much beyond that.
My beta hCG is now 11, so "hopefully" I'll be bleeding again in no time (yippee!), though he said that sometimes people have already bled out completely (I can only hope, right?) and then it wouldn't come until a month later.
I haven't decided yet what we should do, I guess we need to think/talk about it more. I could go to see a local reproductive immunologist that was recommended to me by my acupuncturist (or another one by an IF friend) since we have time to burn, or just do the FET and see what happens. I am also looking for a new job (w/IF bennies), so we may do the FET and if that doesn't work, I will hopefully have benefits and likely be working downtown again and could find yet another RE and see what they say before we cycle again.
There's nothing like the intangibility of unexplained infertility and m/c to drive a person who likes to know WTF is going on a bit crazy. Keep Calm and Carry On...
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
There's really no fun in our dysfunction
In case you were wondering what I meant by my "dysfunctional family" this is an excerpt from my younger sister's blog and how I just learned that my eldest sister is apparently going to start undergoing what was deemed completely unnecessary chemotherapy for her stage 1, completely removed fallopian tube cancer. I can only guess that my family is continuing to keep me in the dark as to what is happening with my sister because of what has been/is going on with us, as that was the justification presented to me when she was dx and we were dealing with the loss of DH's dad back in September. Unfortunately, this means that the lion's share of the common sense among of the bunch of us has been excluded from decision making...
"I did not have an opportunity to vote on the decision of whether or not to subject my developmentally-disabled sister to chemotherapy, but I am strongly opposed to the decision that has been made. The cancer was found in the wake of elective surgery, the point of which was to increase her comfort and quality of life. This was a good thing, both the surgery and the priority that justified it. However, I cannot see how putting such a physiologically, emotionally, and intellectually fragile creature, who is also pathologically cancer-free at this time, through aggressive and sick-making chemotherapy treatment is something that could be seen as consistent with the priority of increasing her comfort and quality of life. In fact, it is absolutely diametrically opposed to that priority. If the point of the chemotherapy is to prevent a future recurrence of cancer, there are many better and less invasive methods of prevention that could be adopted, which would be in keeping with that priority. However, this is not the direction or the path that has been chosen and I cannot understand or agree with it.
While this madness of poisoning my sister is going on next door in Wisconsin, I have to carry on with my daily life in Minnesota - trying not to be haunted by visions of her succumbing to the vile side effects of the treatments she will undergo in the next several weeks and months.
Through all the mental gymnastics and ruminations I have on the topic, I just keep asking myself: What happened to the priority? And I have to be satisfied with this very unsatisfactory reply: It has been overshadowed by lesser but more abundant concerns."
"I did not have an opportunity to vote on the decision of whether or not to subject my developmentally-disabled sister to chemotherapy, but I am strongly opposed to the decision that has been made. The cancer was found in the wake of elective surgery, the point of which was to increase her comfort and quality of life. This was a good thing, both the surgery and the priority that justified it. However, I cannot see how putting such a physiologically, emotionally, and intellectually fragile creature, who is also pathologically cancer-free at this time, through aggressive and sick-making chemotherapy treatment is something that could be seen as consistent with the priority of increasing her comfort and quality of life. In fact, it is absolutely diametrically opposed to that priority. If the point of the chemotherapy is to prevent a future recurrence of cancer, there are many better and less invasive methods of prevention that could be adopted, which would be in keeping with that priority. However, this is not the direction or the path that has been chosen and I cannot understand or agree with it.
While this madness of poisoning my sister is going on next door in Wisconsin, I have to carry on with my daily life in Minnesota - trying not to be haunted by visions of her succumbing to the vile side effects of the treatments she will undergo in the next several weeks and months.
Through all the mental gymnastics and ruminations I have on the topic, I just keep asking myself: What happened to the priority? And I have to be satisfied with this very unsatisfactory reply: It has been overshadowed by lesser but more abundant concerns."
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
What a ride (vent)
I feel like I've developed bipolar disorder in the last three weeks. I'm up, I'm down, I'm flat, I'm all over the place. I wish I fit nicely into the five stages, then at least I could figure out where I'm supposed to be...
I try to focus on the fact that we are so lucky to have (i.e. planned for) the option to hopefully try again soon, and attempt to escape this nightmare, though it's a real and significant financial hit. Then I think about how I can't believe that for as long as we've been trying we are no closer than we've been before, and our past performance is no guarantee of future success. I'm not one to wallow in self pity, but instead try to figure out how to fix the situation, but the reality is I wish there was a way off this ride, I'm getting so sick of it. It effing blows!!!
I think I did really well with the disappointment before, cycle after cycle after cycle, surgery after surgery after surgery, but it just feels different now. We struck out (big time) in the big leagues, and I'm getting old, and our insurance is gone, and I'm tired. I'm ashamed to say it, but part of me wishes we hadn't gotten pg at all. That would have been "normal", given the roughly 60/40 chance of success. But no, instead we fell into that four percent that are teased with the idea of a baby and that maybe we can masquerade as normal people after all this time, just to have it ripped away.
In my support group last week, a girl talked about how her therapist had helped her work through her control issues and how they stemmed from her neglect as a child. Talk about hitting home. I think we all have control issues to some extent, it's human nature, but for those of us who've dealt with particularly shitty childhoods that we've spent years working hard to distance ourselves from and manage against it's unusually disarming to be caught in a situation where you again have absolutely no control and even the things you do in theory control are controlled by the things you don't. And you still have your dysfunctional family to not really help you through it all... ;)
I just keep asking myself is this really the life that I've been busting my ass for all these years to have? If I had chosen a less genuine path, would things have been any easier? And bonus for having an affliction that no one talks or cares about. There are really still this many shitty cards in the deck after what I've already been dealt? Surely, you jest?
Other things I wish I could focus on, and why I can't...
A satisfying job?
The goal given our situation has been maximum flexibility @ max pay, but to move would likely be for less pay/flexibility. DH has already had to give up his hopes (at least for now) of going out on his own. Not a priority, since who'd pay for the IVF?
Or no job, and going back to school to do something else? Ditto above, at least for now
Travel?
As much as we'd love to reclaim our "found time" for travel, it sadly costs money which is going straight to our RE...
Moving back to the city?
And selling our house at a loss, which doesn't make sense, unless we have to to fund treatments.
Moving somewhere else? Ditto above, plus DH doesn't want to leave.
Trying to figure out what a life without children looks like?
We live this now (albeit clouded by IF treatments), and it doesn't cut it for me. What major life changes (perhaps moving to the moon?) would make this even remotely appealing?
I try to focus on the fact that we are so lucky to have (i.e. planned for) the option to hopefully try again soon, and attempt to escape this nightmare, though it's a real and significant financial hit. Then I think about how I can't believe that for as long as we've been trying we are no closer than we've been before, and our past performance is no guarantee of future success. I'm not one to wallow in self pity, but instead try to figure out how to fix the situation, but the reality is I wish there was a way off this ride, I'm getting so sick of it. It effing blows!!!
I think I did really well with the disappointment before, cycle after cycle after cycle, surgery after surgery after surgery, but it just feels different now. We struck out (big time) in the big leagues, and I'm getting old, and our insurance is gone, and I'm tired. I'm ashamed to say it, but part of me wishes we hadn't gotten pg at all. That would have been "normal", given the roughly 60/40 chance of success. But no, instead we fell into that four percent that are teased with the idea of a baby and that maybe we can masquerade as normal people after all this time, just to have it ripped away.
In my support group last week, a girl talked about how her therapist had helped her work through her control issues and how they stemmed from her neglect as a child. Talk about hitting home. I think we all have control issues to some extent, it's human nature, but for those of us who've dealt with particularly shitty childhoods that we've spent years working hard to distance ourselves from and manage against it's unusually disarming to be caught in a situation where you again have absolutely no control and even the things you do in theory control are controlled by the things you don't. And you still have your dysfunctional family to not really help you through it all... ;)
I just keep asking myself is this really the life that I've been busting my ass for all these years to have? If I had chosen a less genuine path, would things have been any easier? And bonus for having an affliction that no one talks or cares about. There are really still this many shitty cards in the deck after what I've already been dealt? Surely, you jest?
Other things I wish I could focus on, and why I can't...
A satisfying job?
The goal given our situation has been maximum flexibility @ max pay, but to move would likely be for less pay/flexibility. DH has already had to give up his hopes (at least for now) of going out on his own. Not a priority, since who'd pay for the IVF?
Or no job, and going back to school to do something else? Ditto above, at least for now
Travel?
As much as we'd love to reclaim our "found time" for travel, it sadly costs money which is going straight to our RE...
Moving back to the city?
And selling our house at a loss, which doesn't make sense, unless we have to to fund treatments.
Moving somewhere else? Ditto above, plus DH doesn't want to leave.
Trying to figure out what a life without children looks like?
We live this now (albeit clouded by IF treatments), and it doesn't cut it for me. What major life changes (perhaps moving to the moon?) would make this even remotely appealing?
Monday, January 17, 2011
MLK Jr. day
"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope"
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
I am very disappointed that my employer has decided, inexplicably, to stop recognizing today's holiday this year. And not just because I have to work. I've worked places that did and others that didn't, but to just stop one year, is just bizarre. Reason #947528 why this place is messed up.
Anywho, I hope you like the QOTD...
We have made our WTF/next steps mtg. with Dr. S for this Thursday (3 wks post-m/c). My hCG should be very near zero by then (it was 51 last Thurs.) and I'm eager to find out what he is willing/able to test us for and what we'll need to go elsewhere to have done, if anything. I have gotten the names of two local reproductive immunologists if we need them. But I have a feeling that he'll be accommodating, so we'll see. I am actually excited to cycle again, partly because I think the only thing that will help us get over what has happened is to get pg again (and hopefully have it stick) and that now I know that IVF is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.
Also, the whole one shot with insurance was a huge pressure to the last round and well we know how that turned out. We are planning, as of now, to do shared risk, which unfortunately will be like $20K OOP (eek!) for round one, but we have the "luxury" of knowing that all doesn't ride on this cycle. We'll have more chances if it doesn't work, and get a lot of the $ back, if we bomb out completely.
The acupuncture has helped a lot with the bleeding and the headaches. I will be going back again this week. :)
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
I am very disappointed that my employer has decided, inexplicably, to stop recognizing today's holiday this year. And not just because I have to work. I've worked places that did and others that didn't, but to just stop one year, is just bizarre. Reason #947528 why this place is messed up.
Anywho, I hope you like the QOTD...
We have made our WTF/next steps mtg. with Dr. S for this Thursday (3 wks post-m/c). My hCG should be very near zero by then (it was 51 last Thurs.) and I'm eager to find out what he is willing/able to test us for and what we'll need to go elsewhere to have done, if anything. I have gotten the names of two local reproductive immunologists if we need them. But I have a feeling that he'll be accommodating, so we'll see. I am actually excited to cycle again, partly because I think the only thing that will help us get over what has happened is to get pg again (and hopefully have it stick) and that now I know that IVF is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.
Also, the whole one shot with insurance was a huge pressure to the last round and well we know how that turned out. We are planning, as of now, to do shared risk, which unfortunately will be like $20K OOP (eek!) for round one, but we have the "luxury" of knowing that all doesn't ride on this cycle. We'll have more chances if it doesn't work, and get a lot of the $ back, if we bomb out completely.
The acupuncture has helped a lot with the bleeding and the headaches. I will be going back again this week. :)
Saturday, January 15, 2011
A few things I've come to understand
1) Why someone would elect to get a D&C after miscarrying. - It seemed kind of vain to me how my RE explained it, but now that I am in my third week of bleeding, I get it. There is nothing quite like the feeling of standing up in a meeting (and writing on a white board) when you feel yet another gush (a clot passing) to make you just wish it would end already.
I finally went back to my acupuncturist today for the first time since before Christmas. I'm not sure why I had put it off, but it was DH who finally said I should go back, and it was a great idea. She feels horribly for us, but is going to help me get rid of all the old and usher in the new. So I'll be seeing a lot of her in the coming weeks. I also ran into my yoga teacher, who I also love, and told her about what happened since we last saw each other. She is a m/c veteran, she had several before having her now toddler daughter, so she understands all too well what it's like. It was great to see them both, but honestly part of me had been kind of dreading it, though I've spent more time with them than any of my RE's over the last year. Maybe that's why, I knew they would be really sad and disappointed too.
2) That I was terribly naive to think that once we got pg, it would be smooth sailing. Silly girl. I knew I could handle whatever pregnancy brought our way. I think I even looked around at those I knew who had experienced loss and thought, "at least they can get pg." I knew it was awful at the time, and now I know first hand just how wrong I was. IF messes with your mind to the point where you put so much stock in getting pg, that you forget that this is just the first of a million steps to bringing home a baby. Now I get it, lesson learned.
I also found out today that watching "The Time Traveler's Wife" after what we've been through the last few weeks, is probably not a great idea. We sat and cried and cried some more.
We like to go out to eat at different restaurants as much as we can, and in Chicago there are endless options, so we were psyched when S got to choose three restaurant gift certificates for presenting a paper at a conference awarded by his work. We used one to go to Avenues for my birthday (well we went in Oct. after he returned from India the first time), and the second to go to Japonais for his birthday in November, and tonight we are using the third at Oceanique in Evanston. We are both looking forward to some really good seafood. :)
I finally went back to my acupuncturist today for the first time since before Christmas. I'm not sure why I had put it off, but it was DH who finally said I should go back, and it was a great idea. She feels horribly for us, but is going to help me get rid of all the old and usher in the new. So I'll be seeing a lot of her in the coming weeks. I also ran into my yoga teacher, who I also love, and told her about what happened since we last saw each other. She is a m/c veteran, she had several before having her now toddler daughter, so she understands all too well what it's like. It was great to see them both, but honestly part of me had been kind of dreading it, though I've spent more time with them than any of my RE's over the last year. Maybe that's why, I knew they would be really sad and disappointed too.
2) That I was terribly naive to think that once we got pg, it would be smooth sailing. Silly girl. I knew I could handle whatever pregnancy brought our way. I think I even looked around at those I knew who had experienced loss and thought, "at least they can get pg." I knew it was awful at the time, and now I know first hand just how wrong I was. IF messes with your mind to the point where you put so much stock in getting pg, that you forget that this is just the first of a million steps to bringing home a baby. Now I get it, lesson learned.
I also found out today that watching "The Time Traveler's Wife" after what we've been through the last few weeks, is probably not a great idea. We sat and cried and cried some more.
We like to go out to eat at different restaurants as much as we can, and in Chicago there are endless options, so we were psyched when S got to choose three restaurant gift certificates for presenting a paper at a conference awarded by his work. We used one to go to Avenues for my birthday (well we went in Oct. after he returned from India the first time), and the second to go to Japonais for his birthday in November, and tonight we are using the third at Oceanique in Evanston. We are both looking forward to some really good seafood. :)
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Two weeks post-m/c
And my hCG is down to 51 (from 335 last Thurs.), the lowest it's been in over six weeks. I am bleeding again/still, passing several big clots in the last day (where these are coming from, I have no idea) but not having any real cramping/pain anymore. Though my headaches are more than making up for it. They really don't prepare you for any of this. It is hard to describe what they feel like. Somewhere between a migraine (like I get unfortunately anytime I drink red wine) and being terribly hungover (I can still vaguely remember what that feels like). Tylenol doesn't touch them, so I'm just fumbling my way through them for now, but I should probably start taking some Excedrin or something since I have to be at work.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Bridging the unknown
You'd think by now, I'd be getting comfortable with falling on the wrong side of the odds... Not being able to get pg on own for > 2 years (way < 10%), having to do IVF (1%), losing the baby w/HB (2-4%), and now our miscarriage was not caused by any kind of chromosomal abnormality (well < 50%). But we aren't, so the investigation continues...
The most common causes of a miscarriage in the first trimester are:
Collagen vascular disease (lupus) - not an issue as far as we know
Hormonal problems - who doesn't have hormonal problems, right? I jest, but it's possible that even with my regimen of E2 patches (which ended before the m/c) and P4 supps (which we switched to from PIO after BFP) were not enough to sustain the baby.
Diabetes - not an issue as far as we know
Chromosomal abnormalities - the most common, but NA for us (at least this time)
Congenital abnormalities of the uterus - well I did, but it was fixed. I guess it's possible that this was still an issue, but it is very unlikely...
Other:
Immunologic Disorders - Clotting disorders fall under this one, and it is certainly possible that given my family history (which my RE is aware of- of my sister having a clot, which caused a PE which almost killed her, and now necessitates that she take blood thinners and wear medical support hose for the rest of her life). While on blood thinners, she has gotten pg four times in < four years, without batting an eye. I wonder if stopping the baby aspirin (as directed) after our u/s, may have had an impact on viability. Other disorders like MTHFR deletion and celiac also fall under this.
Untreated Illnesses Such as Thyroid Problems (Both Hyper- and Hypo-Thyroidism) - not an issue as far as we know
Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) - though there was that lovely gyne @ Mass Gen who dx me with PCOS without doing any tests in college, I do not have PCOS.
Bacterial/Viral Infections - this is actually an area that really concerns me. In the months leading up to our pg, I was treated for both group B beta strep and HSV-1. DH was treated for pseudomonas. There is also the minute chance that I was exposed to malaria on our trip to India, and although I took malarone, they advise against becoming pg for several months after leaving a malorous area. We knew this was very very small risk.
Lifestyle (Cigarettes, Alcohol, Drugs, Environmental Toxins) - I'm so sure that this isn't our issue (I live like a nun), I'm not even going to get into it.
Tomorrow, I get my hCG tested again. It was 335 last Thursday and should be super low by now. I had basically stopped bleeding, but now have started again what seems like period bleeding, which is a good sign my hCG is now very low. We are going to sit down with our RE in the coming weeks and see what testing he will do for us (these are all simple blood tests) or if we'll need to go elsewhere for testing before we cycle again.
The most common causes of a miscarriage in the first trimester are:
Collagen vascular disease (lupus) - not an issue as far as we know
Hormonal problems - who doesn't have hormonal problems, right? I jest, but it's possible that even with my regimen of E2 patches (which ended before the m/c) and P4 supps (which we switched to from PIO after BFP) were not enough to sustain the baby.
Diabetes - not an issue as far as we know
Chromosomal abnormalities - the most common, but NA for us (at least this time)
Congenital abnormalities of the uterus - well I did, but it was fixed. I guess it's possible that this was still an issue, but it is very unlikely...
Other:
Immunologic Disorders - Clotting disorders fall under this one, and it is certainly possible that given my family history (which my RE is aware of- of my sister having a clot, which caused a PE which almost killed her, and now necessitates that she take blood thinners and wear medical support hose for the rest of her life). While on blood thinners, she has gotten pg four times in < four years, without batting an eye. I wonder if stopping the baby aspirin (as directed) after our u/s, may have had an impact on viability. Other disorders like MTHFR deletion and celiac also fall under this.
Untreated Illnesses Such as Thyroid Problems (Both Hyper- and Hypo-Thyroidism) - not an issue as far as we know
Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) - though there was that lovely gyne @ Mass Gen who dx me with PCOS without doing any tests in college, I do not have PCOS.
Bacterial/Viral Infections - this is actually an area that really concerns me. In the months leading up to our pg, I was treated for both group B beta strep and HSV-1. DH was treated for pseudomonas. There is also the minute chance that I was exposed to malaria on our trip to India, and although I took malarone, they advise against becoming pg for several months after leaving a malorous area. We knew this was very very small risk.
Lifestyle (Cigarettes, Alcohol, Drugs, Environmental Toxins) - I'm so sure that this isn't our issue (I live like a nun), I'm not even going to get into it.
Tomorrow, I get my hCG tested again. It was 335 last Thursday and should be super low by now. I had basically stopped bleeding, but now have started again what seems like period bleeding, which is a good sign my hCG is now very low. We are going to sit down with our RE in the coming weeks and see what testing he will do for us (these are all simple blood tests) or if we'll need to go elsewhere for testing before we cycle again.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
A perfect baby girl...
I had a feeling the baby was a girl and just found out she had 46 perfect chromosomes. I can't begin to describe how sad this makes me.
News coming soon
I finally e-mailed the nurse who has been assigned to me for the last two weeks today to see if she had heard anything on the m/c testing results or thought maybe it wasn't going to happen (which I was told was always a possibility). She e-mailed me back right away that the result would (finally!) be in today and that after Dr. S reviewed them they would call me by 4. So of course I'm dying over here now. The last few weeks have been so surreal and now we are actually going to get some "answers" or maybe rather "non-answers" (as in nothing was wrong). Obviously, it doesn't really make a difference for what has already happened, but it could of course for what we hope has yet to and will again soon. I really hope it's not bad news. I'm so tired of everything getting worse, rather than better. We really could use a break.
I really want to be able stop counting, but I would have been 10 weeks today. We were supposed to go in for our 1st OB appt. this morning. I called them and cancelled on NYE and told them that we hoped to be in soon...
I really want to be able stop counting, but I would have been 10 weeks today. We were supposed to go in for our 1st OB appt. this morning. I called them and cancelled on NYE and told them that we hoped to be in soon...
Monday, January 10, 2011
Back together
Well, my DH is finally back home... He came in last night and it was wonderful to see him after his 2 1/2 weeks away. The last ten days I've been just wishing away, due to his absence and having to deal with the aftermath of losing our baby alone. I continue to feel better physically, though my abdominal pain has been replaced by terrible headaches which are not helped by meds, which I can only assume are a result of my hormones readjusting themselves.
We are still waiting on any word on the fetal/karyotype testing, hopefully something will come through soon. I go back again on Thursday to see how my hCG levels are falling. I am really hoping that since the m/c occurred when I was due to get AF, that she will come again in a few weeks time and my #'s will be or getting close to negative by then.
Mentally, I'm having a hard time. I went to an IF support group meeting on Saturday, which was helpful. I had to get out of the house and FCI/PDTM just happened to be having a meeting. It was with the same psychologist who DH and I had met with a year ago (pre-surgery #2), who recommended I start journaling, hence this here blog. :) I'm thinking I also need to go see someone one on one and maybe as a couple as well. There are just so many levels to the sadness. I feel bad that I can't just grieve losing the baby, but that as badly as that hurts, that we are still here but what we are left with now is so much less than what we had before we cycled, and that I'm really sad for us. It feels like we have actually moved backwards, and I am so so tired of being sad and miserable.
As much as I knew in the back of my mind that a m/c was a possibility, it was not in any of the scenarios that I had planned out before we cycled, and the further we got along and the better things went, it was not something that I was giving much thought. It was either, it'll work or it won't. We'll have FE or we won't. Now, we have two, but likely won't be using them, at least not for now, as if we risk losing them along with them would go our opportunity to do shared risk. We will likely be doing a fresh cycle next/again (via shared risk), as to keep our options as open as possible.
DH wants there to be an end (for my sake), but I won't know what that is until we get there, and I am not giving up.
We are still waiting on any word on the fetal/karyotype testing, hopefully something will come through soon. I go back again on Thursday to see how my hCG levels are falling. I am really hoping that since the m/c occurred when I was due to get AF, that she will come again in a few weeks time and my #'s will be or getting close to negative by then.
Mentally, I'm having a hard time. I went to an IF support group meeting on Saturday, which was helpful. I had to get out of the house and FCI/PDTM just happened to be having a meeting. It was with the same psychologist who DH and I had met with a year ago (pre-surgery #2), who recommended I start journaling, hence this here blog. :) I'm thinking I also need to go see someone one on one and maybe as a couple as well. There are just so many levels to the sadness. I feel bad that I can't just grieve losing the baby, but that as badly as that hurts, that we are still here but what we are left with now is so much less than what we had before we cycled, and that I'm really sad for us. It feels like we have actually moved backwards, and I am so so tired of being sad and miserable.
As much as I knew in the back of my mind that a m/c was a possibility, it was not in any of the scenarios that I had planned out before we cycled, and the further we got along and the better things went, it was not something that I was giving much thought. It was either, it'll work or it won't. We'll have FE or we won't. Now, we have two, but likely won't be using them, at least not for now, as if we risk losing them along with them would go our opportunity to do shared risk. We will likely be doing a fresh cycle next/again (via shared risk), as to keep our options as open as possible.
DH wants there to be an end (for my sake), but I won't know what that is until we get there, and I am not giving up.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Waiting
I went back to the clinic this morning for the first time since my unfortunate trip early last Thursday morning. They did a blood draw for my hCG, which is now already amazingly down to 335 from nearly 17K last week (9 hrs. post-m/c). I will continue to have this tested weekly, until it is back down to zero, which will take several weeks (and possibly a month or more) depending on how my body flushes it out.
I will not hear anything back on the fetal testing until tomorrow, as contrary to what they had initially been told by the testing clinic in CA, it takes a full seven days from when they receive it. I also had another u/s, which I had requested a few days ago to check my progress, and this time it was with Dr. S (my IVF RE). It was the first time I had seen him in more than two weeks, since our only pregnancy u/s, and he was visibly upset to see me back in my state.
He found that I still have loose blood in my uterus, which is not abnormal and that my lining was much thinner than last week. He brought up a D&C again, but also said that it was unnecessary and that most people do them so that they can move on faster and not continue to bleed out naturally, but the risk to one now (potential scarring) exceeds the benefit. Period bleeding I can handle, I was just concerned that I might still have tissue in there that could cause problems. Once we know more, we'll be sitting down to discuss next steps.
Yesterday was the first day in a week that I didn't have extreme pain (though I did take an "accidental" four hour nap with my heating pad), so hopefully that is a good sign too. I get to scale back my iron pills to once a day (from 3x now), and stop when I am no longer bleeding, which has been consistent, but now seems to be subsiding.
I feel a little guilty saying this, but I feel better physically right now than I have in months. I can sleep (oh, can I sleep) and I'm feeling strong and healthy, though of course I'd trade it in a nano-second to be pregnant again...
I decided to come into the office today briefly to tell my old boss, who I'm still working with on my project but I no longer report to, why I've been out of the office, as he was getting antsy. He was very nice and just happened to also do IVF to have his two young sons. You just never know, right?
Only three more days until DH comes home. I.can't.wait...
I will not hear anything back on the fetal testing until tomorrow, as contrary to what they had initially been told by the testing clinic in CA, it takes a full seven days from when they receive it. I also had another u/s, which I had requested a few days ago to check my progress, and this time it was with Dr. S (my IVF RE). It was the first time I had seen him in more than two weeks, since our only pregnancy u/s, and he was visibly upset to see me back in my state.
He found that I still have loose blood in my uterus, which is not abnormal and that my lining was much thinner than last week. He brought up a D&C again, but also said that it was unnecessary and that most people do them so that they can move on faster and not continue to bleed out naturally, but the risk to one now (potential scarring) exceeds the benefit. Period bleeding I can handle, I was just concerned that I might still have tissue in there that could cause problems. Once we know more, we'll be sitting down to discuss next steps.
Yesterday was the first day in a week that I didn't have extreme pain (though I did take an "accidental" four hour nap with my heating pad), so hopefully that is a good sign too. I get to scale back my iron pills to once a day (from 3x now), and stop when I am no longer bleeding, which has been consistent, but now seems to be subsiding.
I feel a little guilty saying this, but I feel better physically right now than I have in months. I can sleep (oh, can I sleep) and I'm feeling strong and healthy, though of course I'd trade it in a nano-second to be pregnant again...
I decided to come into the office today briefly to tell my old boss, who I'm still working with on my project but I no longer report to, why I've been out of the office, as he was getting antsy. He was very nice and just happened to also do IVF to have his two young sons. You just never know, right?
Only three more days until DH comes home. I.can't.wait...
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Thinking about where to go from here...
For me healing is all about moving forward and making plans, always has been. So as I'm waiting for the results from my m/c testing today, I'm already starting to think about what we will do next, i.e. cycling again. We have no more insurance coverage, so whatever we do now is OOP, unless/until I get a new job with coverage (the IL mandate is for four cycles).
I had set up a FSA late last year to pay for acu/L&D/etc. (or cycling since we didn't know the outcome of our cycle yet), but we decided not to set up another because we were already pg when S's deadline came and went. I also have a bonus coming in March that we could use to help pay for whatever we decide. Obviously the test results could drive our next steps, and we still have to meet with our RE and get more tests, but I'm trying to figure out which one of these is a best for us based on what we know now... (N.B. our meds for IVF #1 were $2,500, FET would be much much less)
Option #1: FET of two frozen blasts ($3K + minimal meds)
Pros: Relatively cheap and easy, if we got/stay pg we would likely be done
Cons: If it doesn't work we are back to square one (single cycle or shared risk), if we m/c again, then we are ineligible for shared risk, our two/best embryos from this cycle ended in m/c.
Option #2: Shared Risk (up to 3 fresh + unlimited FET) ($16K + monitoring + meds, or $20K w/all monitoring + meds)
Pros: We could cycle until we get a baby or get 80% of our money back to adopt, if we start before I turn 35 (Sept.) we pay the lowest rate, we meet the qualifications, opportunity for fresh embies
Cons: Not eligible if we have another m/c, if we have a baby on the first round we've "overpaid" (but would likely have more to work with for FETs), have to use all embies before we can cancel (if we want any money back)
Option #3: Single fresh cycle ($11K + meds)
Pros: Cheaper upfront than shared risk, fresh cycle with new embryos, may get extra frozens for FETs, we got pg on 1st IVF cycle, so maybe don't need shared risk?
Cons: If it doesn't work, we'll have only FETs left. If we m/c, not eligible for shared risk.
I had set up a FSA late last year to pay for acu/L&D/etc. (or cycling since we didn't know the outcome of our cycle yet), but we decided not to set up another because we were already pg when S's deadline came and went. I also have a bonus coming in March that we could use to help pay for whatever we decide. Obviously the test results could drive our next steps, and we still have to meet with our RE and get more tests, but I'm trying to figure out which one of these is a best for us based on what we know now... (N.B. our meds for IVF #1 were $2,500, FET would be much much less)
Option #1: FET of two frozen blasts ($3K + minimal meds)
Pros: Relatively cheap and easy, if we got/stay pg we would likely be done
Cons: If it doesn't work we are back to square one (single cycle or shared risk), if we m/c again, then we are ineligible for shared risk, our two/best embryos from this cycle ended in m/c.
Option #2: Shared Risk (up to 3 fresh + unlimited FET) ($16K + monitoring + meds, or $20K w/all monitoring + meds)
Pros: We could cycle until we get a baby or get 80% of our money back to adopt, if we start before I turn 35 (Sept.) we pay the lowest rate, we meet the qualifications, opportunity for fresh embies
Cons: Not eligible if we have another m/c, if we have a baby on the first round we've "overpaid" (but would likely have more to work with for FETs), have to use all embies before we can cancel (if we want any money back)
Option #3: Single fresh cycle ($11K + meds)
Pros: Cheaper upfront than shared risk, fresh cycle with new embryos, may get extra frozens for FETs, we got pg on 1st IVF cycle, so maybe don't need shared risk?
Cons: If it doesn't work, we'll have only FETs left. If we m/c, not eligible for shared risk.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
A tough day
My mom left for home early yesterday, as she is a full time caregiver to my ailing grandmother. I was feeling okay in the morning, so I took down the tree and all the Christmas decorations. When I put them up just over a month ago, I was newly pregnant and as happy as could be. Now the house is bare, with no remnant of any of those days. Needless to say, more than a few tears were shed.
Then I got another wave of intense but dull pain, so I spent the afternoon laying flat on my back (again) with the heat on high. I finally called the clinic and talked to them about how I should be feeling five days out. Unfortunately, there is no answer and there isn't much they can do for me unless I want to get a D&C, which seems pointless since all I'm shedding now is my remaining lining. My mom said she would come back if I had one, but I don't want to have surgery (if it's not necessary) without S here. My pain just seems disproportionate to the amt. of bleeding I am having at this point and it comes and goes, but I don't know how I'm supposed to be feeling.
I could hear back on the fetal testing as early as tomorrow and then go back on Thursday for follow-up tests. I've decided to work from home this week, I'm just not ready to go sit in the office.
After watching our neighbors across the street empty their home of their belongings over the last few days as I was hold up, I actually got to talk to them yesterday. On our street, where most everyone is friendly but people keep primarily to themselves, they were always the nicest. What I feared was true, they have declared bankruptcy and let their house go into foreclosure. Their kids are grown and they seemed resigned to moving to a smaller place.
Serenity Prayer
God, grant us the Serenity to accept things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.
Then I got another wave of intense but dull pain, so I spent the afternoon laying flat on my back (again) with the heat on high. I finally called the clinic and talked to them about how I should be feeling five days out. Unfortunately, there is no answer and there isn't much they can do for me unless I want to get a D&C, which seems pointless since all I'm shedding now is my remaining lining. My mom said she would come back if I had one, but I don't want to have surgery (if it's not necessary) without S here. My pain just seems disproportionate to the amt. of bleeding I am having at this point and it comes and goes, but I don't know how I'm supposed to be feeling.
I could hear back on the fetal testing as early as tomorrow and then go back on Thursday for follow-up tests. I've decided to work from home this week, I'm just not ready to go sit in the office.
After watching our neighbors across the street empty their home of their belongings over the last few days as I was hold up, I actually got to talk to them yesterday. On our street, where most everyone is friendly but people keep primarily to themselves, they were always the nicest. What I feared was true, they have declared bankruptcy and let their house go into foreclosure. Their kids are grown and they seemed resigned to moving to a smaller place.
Serenity Prayer
God, grant us the Serenity to accept things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Gambling and Ramblings
I'm sure this analogy has been used before, I'm not that inventive. The more I think about reproduction, the more it reminds me of just a bunch of gambling.
Many (typically fertile) people get pg by accident when not preventing. I've heard as many as half of all pregnancies are unplanned. Unless it's forced, it's obviously a choice to gamble.
Then there is planned reproduction. It's a gamble too, you don't know what you're going to get. I get so upset when I hear people talk about gender disappointment (and don't even get me started on gender preference) because remember people, you're gambling. If you aren't happy for either outcome, you just shouldn't be playing.
Assisted reproduction is then, of course, the equivalent of high stakes poker. We put all our chips on the table (and then some) and we won, just to have it all taken away and be left with nothing. If $15K would guarantee me a take home baby, I'd be the first to sign up. But of course this is very far from a guarantee. You get a roll of the dice, that is all. I guess I need to start getting comfortable with this, how I'm not sure. I'm not a gambler, not with money anyway.
Ramblings:
Miscarriage is one of those awkward situations that people aren't always sure how to deal with. The expression of sadness is easy and people mean well, but even if someone has experienced it (as many many women have) I have a hard time finding a lot of comfort from people who insist on telling me they know how just I feel if they:
-are fertile, or better yet already have 1 or 2 kids when they have a m/c
-had a failed cycle or a c/p, I'm sure these are just awful, but it's not the same
-if IF, still have IF coverage to keep trying w/o affecting their lifestyle
-are still so young that their age is a non-issue
-have their husband, which is the only person that you'd conceivably want to have anywhere near you when you lose your child, with them to comfort them
Just like I would never presume to know what it's like to lose multiple pg, a pg in the 2nd or 3rd trimester, or what it's like to lose a child. It's ridiculous.
I was reading about having a miscarriage at the point at which I had mine (~8 1/2 wks) and while they are not common (2-3% chance), the interesting thing that was noted it is the exact time that my body would be having it's second missed period. Eerily, almost to the exact hour, it was eight weeks from my LMP (the extra few days are bc I had only 12 days from LMP to ER). This of course could just be a random coincidence, but it could be a sign that somehow my body thought it should have (but didn't) get a monthly memo that it needed to stay pg and that it was not time to expel all contents of my womb and then proceed to continue to bleed out with absolutely no warning.
I just saw the last episode of the season of Giuliana and Bill. I think I've seen most of the others, but she was really starting to drive me nuts. I didn't think I'd watch this one after hearing about it, but just happened to catch it. She seemed a lot more normal and reasonable in this one. She had OHSS and complications after her second ER and then waited to do a FET, which ended up being negative. She had previously gotten pg after her 1st IVF cycle, but miscarried @ 8-9 weeks. It makes me think about what will happen if our next cycle doesn't work at all. Then what do we do?
Thanks to American/Gulf Air, I will not be seeing my DH for another week. There is apparently no way they can get him on another flight before his schedule flight to arrive next Sunday. My mom is leaving in the morning. I am supposed to go back to work on Tuesday. I have no idea how I'm going to make it through this week.
Many (typically fertile) people get pg by accident when not preventing. I've heard as many as half of all pregnancies are unplanned. Unless it's forced, it's obviously a choice to gamble.
Then there is planned reproduction. It's a gamble too, you don't know what you're going to get. I get so upset when I hear people talk about gender disappointment (and don't even get me started on gender preference) because remember people, you're gambling. If you aren't happy for either outcome, you just shouldn't be playing.
Assisted reproduction is then, of course, the equivalent of high stakes poker. We put all our chips on the table (and then some) and we won, just to have it all taken away and be left with nothing. If $15K would guarantee me a take home baby, I'd be the first to sign up. But of course this is very far from a guarantee. You get a roll of the dice, that is all. I guess I need to start getting comfortable with this, how I'm not sure. I'm not a gambler, not with money anyway.
Ramblings:
Miscarriage is one of those awkward situations that people aren't always sure how to deal with. The expression of sadness is easy and people mean well, but even if someone has experienced it (as many many women have) I have a hard time finding a lot of comfort from people who insist on telling me they know how just I feel if they:
-are fertile, or better yet already have 1 or 2 kids when they have a m/c
-had a failed cycle or a c/p, I'm sure these are just awful, but it's not the same
-if IF, still have IF coverage to keep trying w/o affecting their lifestyle
-are still so young that their age is a non-issue
-have their husband, which is the only person that you'd conceivably want to have anywhere near you when you lose your child, with them to comfort them
Just like I would never presume to know what it's like to lose multiple pg, a pg in the 2nd or 3rd trimester, or what it's like to lose a child. It's ridiculous.
I was reading about having a miscarriage at the point at which I had mine (~8 1/2 wks) and while they are not common (2-3% chance), the interesting thing that was noted it is the exact time that my body would be having it's second missed period. Eerily, almost to the exact hour, it was eight weeks from my LMP (the extra few days are bc I had only 12 days from LMP to ER). This of course could just be a random coincidence, but it could be a sign that somehow my body thought it should have (but didn't) get a monthly memo that it needed to stay pg and that it was not time to expel all contents of my womb and then proceed to continue to bleed out with absolutely no warning.
I just saw the last episode of the season of Giuliana and Bill. I think I've seen most of the others, but she was really starting to drive me nuts. I didn't think I'd watch this one after hearing about it, but just happened to catch it. She seemed a lot more normal and reasonable in this one. She had OHSS and complications after her second ER and then waited to do a FET, which ended up being negative. She had previously gotten pg after her 1st IVF cycle, but miscarried @ 8-9 weeks. It makes me think about what will happen if our next cycle doesn't work at all. Then what do we do?
Thanks to American/Gulf Air, I will not be seeing my DH for another week. There is apparently no way they can get him on another flight before his schedule flight to arrive next Sunday. My mom is leaving in the morning. I am supposed to go back to work on Tuesday. I have no idea how I'm going to make it through this week.