My mom is now on her way to come stay with me until Monday, after making arrangements (including renting another hospital bed) so that my grandmother can stay at my sister's house in her absence. I'm not sure yet when S is coming home, but he's decided that since all the things that require his in-person signature are done (we now officially own a condo in Nashik, India, where his brother and mother will live, well that should come in handy) that he will try to come home as soon as he can even though I told him to stay if he needs to. Regardless, it will likely be several days before he makes it home.
I am obviously still mourning the loss not only of our baby, but also of all the dreams I had for it and us and the fortune that I thought had finally befallen us after all that we've been through. But I'm also not one to spend a lot of time dwelling on things I can't control and have already happened, but looking to the future and what I can impact to come. Obviously, I'm not in a great frame of mind, but I'm having a hard time coming up with a lot of things going in our favor right now. Some of our issues:
Our age: I'm not sure how this happened (DH jokingly likes to tell me that he can explain the concept of time to me, yet again), but I will be 35 in September and DH is already there. I was just shy of 30 when we got married and had just turned 32 when we started TTC in earnest. Our plan (which seems so comical and naive now) was to have two kids by the time I turned 35, but now we will have exactly zero. The question is how long into the AMA zone do we press our luck? Fortunately, my ovaries seem to be relatively compliant, while not overly enthusiastic.
Our frozen embryos/blasts: There are two of them, but I don't know anything else about their status besides this. I believe they are stored together. I am not really worried about getting pg again, as we know we can, but we don't have a lot of wiggle room before having to do another fresh cycle (see IF insurance).
Our IF insurance: This is relatively simple, it's basically just gone. The last charge for my IVF cycle ($12K) hasn't gone through yet and we have less than this remaining. It's "pended" still, which makes me nervous. My clinic had us pay for our IVF meds OOP, as when they saw our remaining benefits, they knew that they would use them up leaving not enough for our meds. If we have any pennies of our $15K lifetime IF coverage left, it would go towards a FET cycle which would otherwise cost us $3-4K OOP, and then we are back to square one, with absolutely no IF coverage.
Our best shot then is for me to get a new job, with IF coverage. But honestly, as much as I hate my job, am finally getting close to the end of my indentured servitude, and am really good at starting over every 2-3 years, it will take just about everything I have (and maybe more) to even contemplate getting out into the job market at this point. And then I'm just putting myself in a new situation where I'll have to explain to yet more people that we have issues that require me to miss work, but with no tenure or banked time. I am so tired of being apathetic about my work and having yet another major aspect of my life that is so unfruitful and frustrating.
Possible other problems: Probably most disturbing is that it's not just about getting pg again, but staying pg and if there is something wrong with me that will keep this from being successful. I was concerned about our baby when I first got to studying the photos from the first u/s. Why no big baby head like I see everywhere? I actually had numerous nightmares over Christmas that our baby had anencephaly (how I even knew what this was, I have absolutely no idea.) Then I miscarried, which gave me the "benefit" of an up close and personal look at our fetus. The baby's head does not appear to be the way it was supposed to be, which suggests a neural tubal defect.
Since I've been on PNV for three years, long before we were TTC (on top of eating really well), I'm clearly taking in enough folic acid, but the question is, was the baby getting it? In looking into what can impede absorption of folate they are typically autoimmune disorders like celiac (which causes UE IF/recurrent m/c) and things like a MTHFR mutation (ditto). I'm looking into getting tested for these. We obviously don't have the luxury of time or extra embryos to wait to lose more babies, so I have push to get these and maybe other blood tests (and likely pay for them OOP) before we cycle again.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
14 hours later...
I didn't know what to call this post, as I have but a few wits about me now that I've gotten only a few hours sleep in the last day and a half.
It all happened really quickly, I was pregnant and then I just wasn't. Last night I wasn't feeling well, which isn't anything new, but it was worse/different than normal. I was nauseous and tired and just wanted to go to bed when I got home from work. I ate some dinner and tried to fall asleep, which I did for a few hours. Then when I got up to go to the bathroom @ ~11:30 I was really uncomfortable and started having more discharge than normal. Then I had the first tiny bit of blood. I knew not to panic, as honestly I was expecting some at some point, if not I would have been the luckiest IVFer in the world to not see any. I figured up to now I was either really lucky or on borrowed time. I was also well aware of the fact that the majority of IVF ladies who got pg when I did, had already lost their babies. :(
I called the clinic to leave a msg. to get in today for an u/s to make sure everything was okay (something I was toying with this week anyway, being a week into our three week wait until our scheduled OB appt. in Jan). Then I went to the bathroom again, and our baby was just sitting on my pantyliner and then I started gushing. I can honestly say that this is the only good thing about this whole situation. That I got to see him/her, and say goodbye. I know that's probably sounds really hokey, but it's like they say about an open casket at a funeral, it helps give you closure (whatever that is). Our little fetus (I can't believe and am so thankful we actually made it this far) was so small, it was really amazing to think that just over a week before we'd seen its tiny heart beating and I had been reading about how all its organs were present and it was starting to move around.
But that was last week, when I was pregnant and my husband was in the country. I called him and thankfully didn't have too much trouble reaching him (after calling the house and talking to his mom, I reached him out on his cell). I can only imagine that harder than being here alone and making the call, would be receiving it and not being able to do anything. He is looking into earlier return flights, but honestly there isn't much he can do for me here/now and my mom is coming this weekend. We've been on the phone constantly since.
After I passed the baby, I paged the RE, and the IVF nurse called me back ~1am. She'd only gotten the msg. that I was bleeding, not that I had passed the baby. She was very kind and spent a lot of time on the phone with me and told me to call when the office opened @ 6:30 (where she also left word) and get in to see the Dr. right away.
I laid awake all night alternating between laying in bed (with a huge pad, heat and towel) trying to relax between cramps and going to the bathroom when my uterus would over the next several hours empty itself of all its contents. When I went to the RE for my u/s at 8:30, everything but my still thick lining was gone. I can't say enough about the awesome nurses and Dr. D at AF, they are really the best. But we were all so discombobulated after the u/s and discussions about what to do with the fetus (where to send it and what tests would be done), they sent me off before taking my blood tests and vitals. Fortunately, since I was too out of it to turn around when I thought of it, I got their messages before I got halfway home and went back and had everything else done.
We opted for "experimental" (scan) chromosomal testing, as the standard procedure (tissue growth) is typically done when the fetus and placenta are "fresh" from a D&C (which the RE told me I could do, though he didn't recommend it, and there seems little point to this now). Sadly the placenta is what would have been really helpful to have, but alas this was already gone.
The nurse has since called and my HCG is 16,503 which they will have to track down to zero over the coming weeks. My heart rate, which is usually very low ~50s- so Drs. always assume that I'm a runner, was over a 100, and with all the blood loss the Dr. gave me an Rx for heavy duty iron pills. If it had been over 120 and he was talking blood transfusions... I guess my CBC was fine, but my WBC count was 15 indicating an infection, though they think it's just from the m/c but to watch my symptoms carefully. I'm just to push liquids and take it easy. Not a problem since my wonderful boss has told me to stay home the rest of the week.
I honestly knew this could happen, that it was a distinct possibility, even though at this point (the 9th week) the odds were really low. It's just amazing how quickly something that you've worked and planned so hard for (our three year, $30K baby), want and already love so much, can be so cruelly snatched away. Hopefully we'll get some answers from all the testing.
My chart at the clinic has now gone from septate uterus to female infertility to pregnancy with a history of infertility to missed abortion... Hoping we can get that turned around again in due course.
Thanks for listening. I'm putting together a new tab on this cycle, pregnancy, and miscarriage, since I think baby deserves it. I'll warn you now that I'm posting a picture I took of my little one and I hope it doesn't offend.
It all happened really quickly, I was pregnant and then I just wasn't. Last night I wasn't feeling well, which isn't anything new, but it was worse/different than normal. I was nauseous and tired and just wanted to go to bed when I got home from work. I ate some dinner and tried to fall asleep, which I did for a few hours. Then when I got up to go to the bathroom @ ~11:30 I was really uncomfortable and started having more discharge than normal. Then I had the first tiny bit of blood. I knew not to panic, as honestly I was expecting some at some point, if not I would have been the luckiest IVFer in the world to not see any. I figured up to now I was either really lucky or on borrowed time. I was also well aware of the fact that the majority of IVF ladies who got pg when I did, had already lost their babies. :(
I called the clinic to leave a msg. to get in today for an u/s to make sure everything was okay (something I was toying with this week anyway, being a week into our three week wait until our scheduled OB appt. in Jan). Then I went to the bathroom again, and our baby was just sitting on my pantyliner and then I started gushing. I can honestly say that this is the only good thing about this whole situation. That I got to see him/her, and say goodbye. I know that's probably sounds really hokey, but it's like they say about an open casket at a funeral, it helps give you closure (whatever that is). Our little fetus (I can't believe and am so thankful we actually made it this far) was so small, it was really amazing to think that just over a week before we'd seen its tiny heart beating and I had been reading about how all its organs were present and it was starting to move around.
But that was last week, when I was pregnant and my husband was in the country. I called him and thankfully didn't have too much trouble reaching him (after calling the house and talking to his mom, I reached him out on his cell). I can only imagine that harder than being here alone and making the call, would be receiving it and not being able to do anything. He is looking into earlier return flights, but honestly there isn't much he can do for me here/now and my mom is coming this weekend. We've been on the phone constantly since.
After I passed the baby, I paged the RE, and the IVF nurse called me back ~1am. She'd only gotten the msg. that I was bleeding, not that I had passed the baby. She was very kind and spent a lot of time on the phone with me and told me to call when the office opened @ 6:30 (where she also left word) and get in to see the Dr. right away.
I laid awake all night alternating between laying in bed (with a huge pad, heat and towel) trying to relax between cramps and going to the bathroom when my uterus would over the next several hours empty itself of all its contents. When I went to the RE for my u/s at 8:30, everything but my still thick lining was gone. I can't say enough about the awesome nurses and Dr. D at AF, they are really the best. But we were all so discombobulated after the u/s and discussions about what to do with the fetus (where to send it and what tests would be done), they sent me off before taking my blood tests and vitals. Fortunately, since I was too out of it to turn around when I thought of it, I got their messages before I got halfway home and went back and had everything else done.
We opted for "experimental" (scan) chromosomal testing, as the standard procedure (tissue growth) is typically done when the fetus and placenta are "fresh" from a D&C (which the RE told me I could do, though he didn't recommend it, and there seems little point to this now). Sadly the placenta is what would have been really helpful to have, but alas this was already gone.
The nurse has since called and my HCG is 16,503 which they will have to track down to zero over the coming weeks. My heart rate, which is usually very low ~50s- so Drs. always assume that I'm a runner, was over a 100, and with all the blood loss the Dr. gave me an Rx for heavy duty iron pills. If it had been over 120 and he was talking blood transfusions... I guess my CBC was fine, but my WBC count was 15 indicating an infection, though they think it's just from the m/c but to watch my symptoms carefully. I'm just to push liquids and take it easy. Not a problem since my wonderful boss has told me to stay home the rest of the week.
I honestly knew this could happen, that it was a distinct possibility, even though at this point (the 9th week) the odds were really low. It's just amazing how quickly something that you've worked and planned so hard for (our three year, $30K baby), want and already love so much, can be so cruelly snatched away. Hopefully we'll get some answers from all the testing.
My chart at the clinic has now gone from septate uterus to female infertility to pregnancy with a history of infertility to missed abortion... Hoping we can get that turned around again in due course.
Thanks for listening. I'm putting together a new tab on this cycle, pregnancy, and miscarriage, since I think baby deserves it. I'll warn you now that I'm posting a picture I took of my little one and I hope it doesn't offend.
It's over...
I've just lost our baby @ 8w2d. Somehow it didn't end up in the toilet, but on my pantiliner, and I've kept it in case they can do testing on it or something. Then I quickly passed presumably everything that was in there with the baby. I will write more when I get a chance.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Without great challenges, there can not be great victories
For anyone following my blog since I started in January (and even for those who have hopped on since), you know it's been quite the challenging year for us, to say the least. So as part of wrapping it up at the end of the year (how did this happen, BTW?), I've paged through my blog to help remind myself of all that we were up to this year. :)
Of course, the main focus of our year (and of this here blog) was the same as the last two. Getting us pregnant. And we did it! (and just in the nick of time). It took a few more surgeries and a few more cycles and few more doctors (and a lot more tests) and more than a few setbacks, but we finally did it. And for this, we are eternally grateful.
I skipped the year-end letter again this year, and we aren't announcing officially until February, but here are some other things we managed to do in 2010, in no particular order...
School:
I finished my executive business program at Notre Dame in February and took an interior design class for fun in the fall. I'm on hold for further classes now, due to my pending work travel schedule.
House:
Not much new this year, just bits here and there, after lots of big projects the last few. Our big feat was waiting patiently for a new exterior paint job (which we got courtesy of the HOA in late summer) and we are still working on our radon issue that we discovered this year. Most mitigation systems actually lower the value of the property, so we are still debating exactly what to do about this. Next project, the nursery. :)
After an unnecessarily long refi process, we closed on a 15 year fixed mortgage at the beginning of the year and have since saved a ton on interest (which will be fun at tax time) and paid off a good chunk of our remaining principle. Five years ago, our plan was for this to be our seven year house, but given the unexpected delays in starting our family and the eroding housing market, we are sitting tight for now. Thankfully, we've got plenty of room to grow. :)
Health:
Not a great year on the health front, as I was on a ridiculous amount of meds and had tons of awful s/e (ironically entirely from my two surgeries, rather than IVF). I had a random health scare in August that led to all sorts of trouble and then the mammogram in Sept. While we ended up okay, it was a tough run. The good news is we've conceived what we plan to be all of our children (before 35!) and don't plan to undergo any further treatments, with a likely FET in late 2012.
Family:
It was a really tough year for us on the family front. We lost S's dad very unexpectedly, which was made all the more tragic that we had all been waiting for a baby for them to come all the way from India to visit us again. My grandma K was dx with terminal cancer and my sister S was dx with stage 1 cancer.
Travel:
This got skimped on this year with all we had going on. We made a work trip for DH into a ski trip in March and did our best at Deer Valley in Utah. We made another work trip for me to NYC into an IF trip to see Dr. David in June. Our only "real" vacation was our week on the Cape and Islands when I was post-op in August, but this was sadly overshadowed by my own and family health issues. What was supposed to be a vacation to India (and the Maldives), was instead a funeral trip. Since I took my LOA from work for IVF unpaid, I was able to roll over the one allowed week of PTO to next year (for a total of 7, so maybe we'll take a mini-vaca before baby?) and have cashed out the other.
Money:
We opened another 529, this time for baby S, paid off the last of my student loans, and stepped up our savings and retirement contributions to the Roth IRA and 401Ks. We've been making double payments on both our new cars for the last year and are on track to have them paid off at the end of 2011, as to rid ourselves on all non-mortgage debt and give us a cushion for me to stay home and spend time with baby.
Charity:
I was nominated and served on the executive committee of one of my fave NPO's board through the end of the summer, which was a huge time commitment, then I opted to take a one year leave of absence from the board starting this fall.
Work:
Through no fault of my own, stagnation is the name of the game on this one (my sales campaign has been pushed back, yet again), which is one of the many reasons why I will be leaving my high paying, but highly unfulfilling and frustrating, job after I cash out on my mat leave next fall.
DH's industry is not doing great in this economy, but despite this he has had some big wins at work (often against his old firm ;)) and is well positioned to have a good 2011.
Now on to the new year when we have few set plans other than to have a hopefully healthy baby (and a newly minted U.S. citizen husband!) and enjoy life! :)
Of course, the main focus of our year (and of this here blog) was the same as the last two. Getting us pregnant. And we did it! (and just in the nick of time). It took a few more surgeries and a few more cycles and few more doctors (and a lot more tests) and more than a few setbacks, but we finally did it. And for this, we are eternally grateful.
I skipped the year-end letter again this year, and we aren't announcing officially until February, but here are some other things we managed to do in 2010, in no particular order...
School:
I finished my executive business program at Notre Dame in February and took an interior design class for fun in the fall. I'm on hold for further classes now, due to my pending work travel schedule.
House:
Not much new this year, just bits here and there, after lots of big projects the last few. Our big feat was waiting patiently for a new exterior paint job (which we got courtesy of the HOA in late summer) and we are still working on our radon issue that we discovered this year. Most mitigation systems actually lower the value of the property, so we are still debating exactly what to do about this. Next project, the nursery. :)
After an unnecessarily long refi process, we closed on a 15 year fixed mortgage at the beginning of the year and have since saved a ton on interest (which will be fun at tax time) and paid off a good chunk of our remaining principle. Five years ago, our plan was for this to be our seven year house, but given the unexpected delays in starting our family and the eroding housing market, we are sitting tight for now. Thankfully, we've got plenty of room to grow. :)
Health:
Not a great year on the health front, as I was on a ridiculous amount of meds and had tons of awful s/e (ironically entirely from my two surgeries, rather than IVF). I had a random health scare in August that led to all sorts of trouble and then the mammogram in Sept. While we ended up okay, it was a tough run. The good news is we've conceived what we plan to be all of our children (before 35!) and don't plan to undergo any further treatments, with a likely FET in late 2012.
Family:
It was a really tough year for us on the family front. We lost S's dad very unexpectedly, which was made all the more tragic that we had all been waiting for a baby for them to come all the way from India to visit us again. My grandma K was dx with terminal cancer and my sister S was dx with stage 1 cancer.
Travel:
This got skimped on this year with all we had going on. We made a work trip for DH into a ski trip in March and did our best at Deer Valley in Utah. We made another work trip for me to NYC into an IF trip to see Dr. David in June. Our only "real" vacation was our week on the Cape and Islands when I was post-op in August, but this was sadly overshadowed by my own and family health issues. What was supposed to be a vacation to India (and the Maldives), was instead a funeral trip. Since I took my LOA from work for IVF unpaid, I was able to roll over the one allowed week of PTO to next year (for a total of 7, so maybe we'll take a mini-vaca before baby?) and have cashed out the other.
Money:
We opened another 529, this time for baby S, paid off the last of my student loans, and stepped up our savings and retirement contributions to the Roth IRA and 401Ks. We've been making double payments on both our new cars for the last year and are on track to have them paid off at the end of 2011, as to rid ourselves on all non-mortgage debt and give us a cushion for me to stay home and spend time with baby.
Charity:
I was nominated and served on the executive committee of one of my fave NPO's board through the end of the summer, which was a huge time commitment, then I opted to take a one year leave of absence from the board starting this fall.
Work:
Through no fault of my own, stagnation is the name of the game on this one (my sales campaign has been pushed back, yet again), which is one of the many reasons why I will be leaving my high paying, but highly unfulfilling and frustrating, job after I cash out on my mat leave next fall.
DH's industry is not doing great in this economy, but despite this he has had some big wins at work (often against his old firm ;)) and is well positioned to have a good 2011.
Now on to the new year when we have few set plans other than to have a hopefully healthy baby (and a newly minted U.S. citizen husband!) and enjoy life! :)
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Eight weeks and five years...
Eight weeks pregnant
I have mixed feelings about belly pics, but I guess I need to get over this. Enjoy the VPL, nice. I'm feeling decent, really tired and passing spells of nausea, but nothing I can't handle.
Five years ago today, we closed on our house (our first together :) ), and a few days later we got engaged. DH wanted to wait for the anniversary of our first date to propose, but I remember being kind of annoyed that we hadn't yet made it official. It was just a formality, since we'd been attached at the hip practically since we met.
So that means it's been six years since we first met. My how much has happened since then...
I have mixed feelings about belly pics, but I guess I need to get over this. Enjoy the VPL, nice. I'm feeling decent, really tired and passing spells of nausea, but nothing I can't handle.
Five years ago today, we closed on our house (our first together :) ), and a few days later we got engaged. DH wanted to wait for the anniversary of our first date to propose, but I remember being kind of annoyed that we hadn't yet made it official. It was just a formality, since we'd been attached at the hip practically since we met.
So that means it's been six years since we first met. My how much has happened since then...
Monday, December 27, 2010
Quiet calm
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Home Alone
Can you believe it's been 20 years since this movie came out? Anyway... It's been a looong time since I was home alone for any significant length of time. S went to India for three weeks in the summer of 2007 for his dad's emergency bypass surgery, but other than that neither of us usually venture away from home (without the other) for more than a few days at a time. Of course, I lived alone in the city for years, but that was different. Now we live in the oh so quiet suburbs, in a big house, near none of my friends.
For the next few days I get to try to forget that he is gone. I'll be spending the long weekend up in Wisconsin with my family; two grandmas, two sets of parents, four sisters, two BIL's, two nephews and a niece. I won't be lonely... ;)
But then I have two whole weeks after I get back to hang out by myself. I'll be working, but hoping to get some stuff done around the house and get out to the city to see some friends. I am strangely much more productive when DH is away. :)
Happy Holidays! :)
P.S. DH made it to Heathrow this morning and is supposed to be leaving on time today, it looks like things are starting to get back on schedule there. :)
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
IF giveaway (just in time for Christmas!)
Well, even though our little lentil will be among the only 1% of babies born from IVF annually (i.e. we haven't really been on the right side of the odds), when I recently saw on my eighth week e-mail from Fit Pregnancy that when the heartbeat is heard/seen, the miscarriage risk drops to only 2%, I felt a huge relief.
So I've decided it's time to pay it forward and give away my remaining IF remnants. My only criteria is if it's a DVD/book that you not sell it, but pass it along to someone else who needs it when you are done.
So here we go...
On the meds front, my clinic did an AMAZING job of ordering my meds and I have only a few little tiny bits left, which is great since $2,500 was plenty to spend on them. And obviously it goes without saying that you need to have rx's for these.
What's left:
Methylprednisolone 16mg (sub for Medrol 16mg) - 3 tabs
Tetracycline 250mg - 13 caps
Crinone 8% (Prog gel supps) - 3 applications
Overfill of Gonal-F in three pens (refrigerated since Sept.)
For Gonal-F:
29G 1/2" - 19 needle tips for pens
Too late, sorry:
Estradiol 0.1mg patches - 3 patches (gone, sorry)
Progesterone in Sesame oil 50mg/mL - one unopened vial (10mL) + ~3mL opened (gone, sorry)
Syringes:
For PIO: (gone, sorry)
3 ml 22G 1 1/2" latex free syringes - 29 sealed
18G 1 1/2" Needles - 30 sealed
For Lupron: (gone, sorry)
1/2 cc 28G 1/2" needles - 12 sealed or capped (from clinic)
I also have two extra sharps containers (gone, sorry) and some alcohol pads, if you are requesting syringes.
I've already given away one, but I still have one copy of Pulling Down the Moon's, Yoga Practices for Fertility DVD. (gone, sorry)
Fully Fertile went out today, but I still have a hardcover copy of Making Babies, by Dr. Sami David (love) and acupuncturist Jill Blakeway. (gone, sorry)
Please e-mail me at kthappy76@gmail.com if any of these would be useful to you for your cycle. :)
So I've decided it's time to pay it forward and give away my remaining IF remnants. My only criteria is if it's a DVD/book that you not sell it, but pass it along to someone else who needs it when you are done.
So here we go...
On the meds front, my clinic did an AMAZING job of ordering my meds and I have only a few little tiny bits left, which is great since $2,500 was plenty to spend on them. And obviously it goes without saying that you need to have rx's for these.
What's left:
Methylprednisolone 16mg (sub for Medrol 16mg) - 3 tabs
Tetracycline 250mg - 13 caps
Crinone 8% (Prog gel supps) - 3 applications
Overfill of Gonal-F in three pens (refrigerated since Sept.)
For Gonal-F:
29G 1/2" - 19 needle tips for pens
Too late, sorry:
Estradiol 0.1mg patches - 3 patches (gone, sorry)
Progesterone in Sesame oil 50mg/mL - one unopened vial (10mL) + ~3mL opened (gone, sorry)
Syringes:
For PIO: (gone, sorry)
3 ml 22G 1 1/2" latex free syringes - 29 sealed
18G 1 1/2" Needles - 30 sealed
For Lupron: (gone, sorry)
1/2 cc 28G 1/2" needles - 12 sealed or capped (from clinic)
I also have two extra sharps containers (gone, sorry) and some alcohol pads, if you are requesting syringes.
I've already given away one, but I still have one copy of Pulling Down the Moon's, Yoga Practices for Fertility DVD. (gone, sorry)
Fully Fertile went out today, but I still have a hardcover copy of Making Babies, by Dr. Sami David (love) and acupuncturist Jill Blakeway. (gone, sorry)
Please e-mail me at kthappy76@gmail.com if any of these would be useful to you for your cycle. :)
Babymoon #1 booked
If you are not on Gilt Groupe's Jetsetter.com yet (Gilt login required), you should really check it out. Some of the stuff is out there (like the $5K package to see Coldplay and Jay-Z at the Cosmo in Vegas for NYE, I wish), but they also have some good deals.
I have been wanting to stay at The Peninsula Hotel in Chicago (one of the top hotels in the world) since they opened in 2001. I've been there over the years to visit their spa, their casual restaurant Pierrot Gourmet, and their great bar (many times ;)), and DH and I had my rescheduled birthday dinner there recently at Avenues (which was AMAZING!).
Now we are staying for the weekend. :) Valentine's Day weekend. It'll be our 7th V-day together and our last one alone. So I figured it was time. Let's call it Babymoon #1. This place is not cheap, and we usually like to stay at nice places when we travel or stay in the city (like 4 star) for really cheap (a la Hotwire or something of the like), but with The Pen, this just wasn't going to happen.
The deal on Jetsetter (a room @ ~the regular price) included a $100 food credit, $30 spa credit, and $100 gift certificate to the neighboring Saks, which made it a "good deal" IMO.
I can't wait!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Introducing...
Our seven week little lentil!
Baby is measuring perfectly on schedule (~1cm) and the heartbeat is pumping away! In case you can't tell, that's the head up top, the heart in the middle, and the yolk sack out front (on the right). It was the most amazing experience when it popped up on the screen. We have now officially graduated from the RE, and will have our first appt. with our new OB in exactly three weeks (@ 10 wks). We couldn't be happier and are just counting our blessings.
Baby is measuring perfectly on schedule (~1cm) and the heartbeat is pumping away! In case you can't tell, that's the head up top, the heart in the middle, and the yolk sack out front (on the right). It was the most amazing experience when it popped up on the screen. We have now officially graduated from the RE, and will have our first appt. with our new OB in exactly three weeks (@ 10 wks). We couldn't be happier and are just counting our blessings.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Rocker (check)
Eames RockerAs I'm still looking for the perfect upholstered chair for our tiny nursery (@ a ridiculous grand a pop for anything decent), and my nursery design evolves more and more in a surprisingly mod direction, I found this amazing deal ($79, instead of $300 or more), thanks to the Effortless Style Blog. Of course, it'll need a little padding, but that will be easy enough.
If you're not yet a member of Haute Look, you should join... And if you need an invite, here you go...
I recently saw this in The Bump Mag and found some pics from their website, so you can see what it looks like in the nursery.
I'm also thinking about this one, as it seems to be a very popular choice (it's super comfy), and of course is also priced right.
Poang rocking chairIt also has a matching ottoman...
Luck needed
Well, we need to get some good news tomorrow at our ultrasound numero uno. We should definitely be able to hear a heartbeat at 7 weeks and will also
(hopefully) know how many kiddos we have in there, which will obviously set about all other sorts of plans.
S is leaving on Wednesday for 2 1/2 weeks in India. Unfortunately, he is flying through Heathrow (and Bahrain too in order to get what passes for a decent fare at this time of year, i.e. wedding season), but Heathrow has been closed for days due to extreme winter weather. This is what it looks like there now...
He needs to get to India before the end of the year to take care of family business (settling life insurance, closing on the flats that his dad bought when we were there in '06, but are just now being finished before next year's property taxes shoot up again, etc., etc.)
Thinking positive thoughts and hoping all goes well...
(hopefully) know how many kiddos we have in there, which will obviously set about all other sorts of plans.
S is leaving on Wednesday for 2 1/2 weeks in India. Unfortunately, he is flying through Heathrow (and Bahrain too in order to get what passes for a decent fare at this time of year, i.e. wedding season), but Heathrow has been closed for days due to extreme winter weather. This is what it looks like there now...
He needs to get to India before the end of the year to take care of family business (settling life insurance, closing on the flats that his dad bought when we were there in '06, but are just now being finished before next year's property taxes shoot up again, etc., etc.)
Thinking positive thoughts and hoping all goes well...
Friday, December 17, 2010
My new best friend
Meet Ginger, my new best friend...
Yogi Ginger Tea
(organic, caffeine free)
Knudsen Ginger Ale
(no sugar/HFCS, sweetened w/fruit juice)
Ginger People Ginger Chews
(have sugar and are really strong, we call these the big guns)
All I can say is I'm eternally grateful that I feel sick, it's the only thing that is getting me through the excruciatingly long wait for my first u/s (which is Tuesday! :) )
Yogi Ginger Tea
(organic, caffeine free)
Knudsen Ginger Ale
(no sugar/HFCS, sweetened w/fruit juice)
Ginger People Ginger Chews
(have sugar and are really strong, we call these the big guns)
All I can say is I'm eternally grateful that I feel sick, it's the only thing that is getting me through the excruciatingly long wait for my first u/s (which is Tuesday! :) )
Thursday, December 16, 2010
My first big post-BFP baby purchase
I really debated (I promise), and I don't believe in jinxing (whatever will be, will be) but on Mamabargains, you can't wait. And since I've been loving this Cariboo bassinet for years, now it will finally be mine. Baby will be spending nights in our room for the first several months (since the nursery is downstairs and MIL will be in the guest room), and the PNP is too big. Then we can save it for #2, use as a toy box, or sell it for close to cost.
Now I have reason to buy the activity set, which they sometimes have at the Land of Nod outlet. I love it because it has all the characters from the Cloud B line. So cute.
Amazing deal on Mamabargains.com. If you have kids or are pg (or shop for someone who does/is), you should definitely be checking out this site (if you don't already).
Now I have reason to buy the activity set, which they sometimes have at the Land of Nod outlet. I love it because it has all the characters from the Cloud B line. So cute.
Amazing deal on Mamabargains.com. If you have kids or are pg (or shop for someone who does/is), you should definitely be checking out this site (if you don't already).
These kids are hysterical
My sister's holiday pic...
Benjamin (nearly 4), Isaiah (nearly 1), Natalie (nearly 2)
Benjamin (nearly 4), Isaiah (nearly 1), Natalie (nearly 2)
Monday, December 13, 2010
Baby books
We've had this one for years, it's good for TTC too, but now, of course, it's the real deal.
Harvard Medical School Guide to Healthy Eating During Pregnancy
DH also picked this one up years ago, and it's an interesting book on handling the changes that come with pregnancy and baby.
Mother NurtureThis one is on it's way (it's been in my Amazon cart for ages), as I just can't wait until I go home for Christmas to peruse what is probably a library of books my sister is offering me. I'm a little partial to the Mayo Clinic since they saved my niece, and have also treated other various family members over the years.
Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy PregnancyI'll admit that I just can't put a lot of stock in books written by people whose main qualification is having been pregnant. While that's fine, it doesn't cut it for me. So no thanks to top-seller WTEWYE. And don't even get me started on Miss McCarthy...
On a fun note, I've also had this for several years too...
A World of Baby Names
With all the online resources out there, I'm trying not to overdo it on the books, even though I'm a paper book gal.
But I'm curious what you pregnant ladies out there are reading?
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Busy busy
So it's been quite the whirlwind in the two weeks since Thanksgiving, with me going back to work, our betas, school finishing up, holiday parties, getting ready for Christmas, and S getting ready to go back to India. Our first u/s is next Tuesday (@ 7w1d) and then S leaves on Wednesday for 2 1/2 weeks, which is completely nuts.
Even though I'll be home with family and DH will be on the other side of the world with his, I still wanted to keep up our (five years running) Christmas tradition of going to Marmion Abbey to find the perfect tree. Somehow this always manages to be on a really wet cold day, so we made it quick. It always makes me feel good to support a good cause, and since I read what they spray on those parking lots trees (not to mention how far they often truck them from), it'll be the only way we go (as long as I have the choice).
I finally found an OB/gyne who can deliver our baby at Prentice. I've wanted to deliver here forever, even before they built the new women's hospital, or even before DH came along. ;) We did hospital tours years ago now, looking at a few hospitals which are closer to us, and while they are fine, we are going for the best. My gyne of over ten years is affiliated with NW, but she no longer delivers babies. I could have stayed in her practice, but I figured it would be a little inconvenient to have to go downtown for regular appts. My new dr. is part of a group of eight female OB/gynes who thankfully have an office on the North Shore, which is much more convenient. Our first appt. is on Jan. 11th, just after DH returns, when I'll be 10 weeks and we'll have an u/s and a consult with Dr. Levin.
I'm already looking into all the fun classes we'll be taking. The main one is Great Expectations, but others I'm thinking about include: CPR, newborn care, ped care, breast feeding, etc.
I also came across another great resource, The Bump Club Chicago(which is not affiliated with THE Bump and was started by yet another ad girl) for fun events when I get a little further along.
The other insanity looming on the horizon is my big sales campaign for work. I've been working on this project since I started @ Z 14 months ago, and it's almost show time. We'll be going to all seven regions, probably about 20 cities, in 7-8 weeks. All in my second trimester. I made the mistake of doing some research, and am trying not to think of all the cosmic radiation I will be exposed to. But rather the fact that I'll be that much closer to leaving (for a min. 1 yr. sabbatical, I will leave and work somewhere else (w/IF coverage) later) and that we'll likely to be able to work in a partially subsidized babymoon in a warmer locale.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Beta #3
So I wasn't supposed to have a third beta, but I had a little bit of a freak out earlier this week (hello work and school anxiety) when my sick feelings, that I'd had literally since my 1st + HPT, the one thing I apparently have in common with my uber-fertile sister, took a break. So I called the clinic and asked to come in for another test. They very kindly obliged. It came back at 3764 @ 21dp3dt, which is right on track for a single little bean. Our first u/s is on the 21st and then we'll hopefully see one strong heartbeat, or maybe a surprise. :)
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Class dismissed!
Last night was my last class, final and oral presentation. I'm 99.9% sure I got an A. (Update: class grade: A/95%, not too shabby...) Sadly, this will be it for me for now, as my work travel schedule next semester will make it impossible for me to hold down even one class. But it was fun and I learned a lot. Stay tuned for my sustainably designed nursery... ;)
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
A bigger boat
DH passed along a message from his boss that he has a bigger sailboat for next season. Not sure how much we'll be able to be out on it, but the picture he sent along sure helps me think about something other that how freezing and snowy it is around here now. Oh how I love the frozen tundra...
Friday, December 3, 2010
Beta #2 and my slippery pulse
Beta #2 is 490! This is a good rise, with a doubling rate of 32 hours. We are done with betas now. We have to wait until Dec. 21st for our first u/s, as they like to make sure that it's late enough to hear the heartbeat. Then S will be likely be leaving for India. This is still a little surreal, I just can't believe how lucky we are. We are so incredibly grateful, and worried that we make it look too easy. ;)
I went back to my acu last night for the first time since my post-ET visit. She was so excited! She was pleased that I'm already having nausea, headaches, backaches, fatigue, extreme hunger, and not sleeping all that well. She's going to help me out. She loved my "pregnant pulse" which she described as being "slippery". I'd never heard that before, but I trust her that it's good. She also lit up when I said that I feel like I'm plugged in and being charged. She explained that according to Chinese medicine, where yin is the cool and calm, and yang is the hot and hyper, babies are 100% yang. I think I might be 100% yin, maybe that's why I feel so wild.
I went back to my acu last night for the first time since my post-ET visit. She was so excited! She was pleased that I'm already having nausea, headaches, backaches, fatigue, extreme hunger, and not sleeping all that well. She's going to help me out. She loved my "pregnant pulse" which she described as being "slippery". I'd never heard that before, but I trust her that it's good. She also lit up when I said that I feel like I'm plugged in and being charged. She explained that according to Chinese medicine, where yin is the cool and calm, and yang is the hot and hyper, babies are 100% yang. I think I might be 100% yin, maybe that's why I feel so wild.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
What we did...
So first is the big disclaimer, as we are certainly not anywhere near the edge of the woods on this our very first pregnancy of any variety or even remotely experts on IVF (though I joke about adding an M.S. in Infertility to my resume, oh what I could/would have rather done with the last two years and all that money...), but I thought for those who may be venturing down this path for the first (or 2nd or 3rd... time) that I'd share what we did and what worked for us, FWIW...
Unfortunately, as we all know too well, much of what contributes to the success or failure of any cycle is out of one's control, but if you're anything like me (and I know some of you are ;) ), you want to try to help where ever you can, so you have your very best shot. Sadly, many of these things also cost real money (one of the biggest problems with IF, IMHO), but we realized that when we weren't going to get pg on our own (at home, on vacation, anywhere), that there would be some expense involved. That's just the reality.
So in no particular order... (sorry for the canned commentary, but you already know I'm opinionated)
1) Find the Best:
Around the time we finally decided that we were ready for/needed to do IVF (last summer after seeing RE #3, who I loved, but is ironically pretty anti-IVF), I started looking at the SART scores of clinics in our area. I'm a confessed number cruncher (it's what I used to do for a living, and it's in my blood), but it also made SO much sense to me not to waste our time (and more importantly our precious and paltry insurance coverage/one shot at IVF) on a clinic with lousy success rates, regardless of how convenient it would be (which regrettably had been a key driving factor in choosing my first two sub-par REs). It was common sense to me and DH, but for some reason a lot of people fall in love with their clinic or their RE (or don't have many choices), and are somehow blind to these. I obviously have no way to know for sure, but I honestly think it made a difference for us.
2) Be open to complementary therapies:
I had some experience with yoga, but absolutely no personal experience with acupuncture before I came across Pulling Down the Moon late last year when I was still doing IUIs w/RE #1. I took their Yoga for Fertility class right away, and then started acupuncture early this year. I did give it up after our failed IUI in May, but started up again before our IVF cycle and religiously went for the many visits my trusted acupuncturist recommended all through our cycle. Studies show that especially pre- and post-ET sessions contribute significantly to IVF success rates. I will continue to go during our pregnancy, as I've already got lots of fun symptoms. I'm also starting prenatal yoga this weekend. :)
3) Get healthy:
Sleep:
Historically speaking, I've always been an excellent sleeper (and part time narcoleptic, but that's a story for a different post), though not surprisingly times of great stress (like the extended hell that is IF) have a way of killing my streak. I knew it would be important for me to be getting good sleep during my cycle. This was actually one of the reasons that I decided to take off of work, as our clinic is about an hour a way from home/work. They, of course, offer very early morning appts., but I knew then that this time would come right out of my sleep bank and that was not going to do me any favors in the short or long run. I took their latest appts. (I used my drive as leverage) and slept in...
Food:
DH and I fortunately eat really well anyway (mostly a Mediterranean diet, which he cooks very well), but I made an extra effort to eat good organic and whole foods before and during my cycle. Lots of whole grains/complex carbs, plenty of good fats and proteins, and veggies. Having a new Whole Foods minutes from home and office certainly made this much easier to manage. Remember you not only need to get yourself pg, but need to support an ever growing parasite/s for nine months. :)
Supplements:
Much to everyone's surprise (apparently) I've also been taking a PNV for almost three years (on Rainbow Light now/again) and am also on Omega 3 and Vitamin D. DH took Conception XR, though he likely started it too late to make much of a difference.
Weight:
I am lucky to be genetically blessed in this dept., (though my figure can best be described as overgrown teenage boy) I know it is a tough one for most women. I am 5'11" and weigh about 150 lbs. now, so I have a bit of reserves (as DH affectionately calls them), which is exactly where I want to be. It is almost my top weight ever, except for my freshman year of college when I rowed crew when I maxed out at 155, but I could also bench press my weight (so there ;) ) I've been as low as 125, when I had mono my Sr. year, and it was not pretty. I used to do some modeling, which I can assure you is much more lame than glamorous, but now my job is to be as healthy as possible. I have not and will not worry about my weight until after baby is here.
4) Have a support network:
I've heard of and seen many people doing IVF in secret, but I honestly have no idea how or why they do and knew that was not for me (even though I'm a very private person). My family (parents, sisters), close friends, my boss, and of course all the lovely ladies on the Bump IF board all knew what we were doing. I think this is very important to help maintain your sanity.
5) De-stress:
I realized at some point that I was not going to even attempt to undertake IVF while working in my ridiculous job. This, of course, required me to tell my boss what we were doing (which I hadn't planned on doing). But as I've said here before, I honestly think it's the best idea I've EVER had. By taking unpaid leave, which cost me a pretty penny, I was able to really disconnect from the office (I actually did put my Blackberry and laptop aside) and focus on what we were doing and just be in the moment and healthy.
6) Deal with your mental baggage:
We've all got it, it's just in different sizes and colors. I spent a lot of time writing, thinking, and talking w/DH before and during our cycle in order to clear my head (and therefore my body) of the crap that comes with lugging that stuff around.
7) Don't be shy about making sure you've done everything else you can: (this is where I do my "lap dance" ;) )
We could have done IVF a year ago, glad we weren't in that big a hurry, with our very 1st RE, who recommended it after our first two failed IUI's w/Clomid, when she didn't see the need to remove my septum. RE #2 removed part of it (as we'd later learn), but didn't think we needed IVF. I just knew we weren't done when we got either of their advice.
One of great things our consult with Dr. David confirmed for me is that IVF isn't the best/most efficient way to find out what's causing your problems, though if you are lucky on one of many tries it may get you around them. He recommended tons of new tests and a lap before considering IVF. We took this to heart (partly because it jived with our philosophy/ins. limitations), though some of those tests (namely a new SA for DH) pushed us even farther in the direction of IVF.
When I found out that my septum was not completely removed (see: wasted surgery #2 in Jan.) and RE #4 would need to go in yet again, we insisted on having a lap done as well. He was amenable (and fortunately it was covered under our regular insurance) and it was useful in giving him a valuable perspective on the surgery, so we did it and found that we probably didn't have anything else going on that was causing issues. That may make you think, what a waste! (though our 1st two actually were a complete waste) But with one shot, we needed to do this first and if nothing else it gave us HUGE piece of mind that we had done absolutely everything we could, aside from endless inject cycles, to avoid IVF. I just don't understand people who do many rounds of IVF before/without doing a lap. Maybe it shouldn't be part of the dx process (as it used to be) but it is certainly easier/cheaper than multiple rounds of IVF (as are many other cheap and easy dx tests).
8) Prepare for Failure:
This may sound defeatist, but it's actually a very effective coping mechanism to deal the realities of infertility and ART. We literally had all our eggs in one basket, but I had elaborate scenarios charted out, which made my type A mind feel somewhat assured that if we failed miserably, we would be okay. We were lucky and got a BFP (with two in me and two in the freezer), but if the first round didn't pan out, we would have done an FET OOP. Or if not, I already have a maxed out 2011 FSA (with DH having to next wk to set up his) to do a new fresh cycle next year. Now I will use this for acu and L&D. I started looking at how we would pay for future cycles (new insurance/job for me, asking DH's employer for more $, income/bonus, savings, assets, shared risk, etc.) but we've already talked about adoption and if everything failed I actually was able to wrap my head around offering DH a "get out of jail card" and start a new life for myself. I think there is something to going through all of this. It makes you realize that you will, in fact, survive.
If you've made it this far (congrats!), I'd be interested to hear if anyone has any other words of wisdom? Tips for success?
Unfortunately, as we all know too well, much of what contributes to the success or failure of any cycle is out of one's control, but if you're anything like me (and I know some of you are ;) ), you want to try to help where ever you can, so you have your very best shot. Sadly, many of these things also cost real money (one of the biggest problems with IF, IMHO), but we realized that when we weren't going to get pg on our own (at home, on vacation, anywhere), that there would be some expense involved. That's just the reality.
So in no particular order... (sorry for the canned commentary, but you already know I'm opinionated)
1) Find the Best:
Around the time we finally decided that we were ready for/needed to do IVF (last summer after seeing RE #3, who I loved, but is ironically pretty anti-IVF), I started looking at the SART scores of clinics in our area. I'm a confessed number cruncher (it's what I used to do for a living, and it's in my blood), but it also made SO much sense to me not to waste our time (and more importantly our precious and paltry insurance coverage/one shot at IVF) on a clinic with lousy success rates, regardless of how convenient it would be (which regrettably had been a key driving factor in choosing my first two sub-par REs). It was common sense to me and DH, but for some reason a lot of people fall in love with their clinic or their RE (or don't have many choices), and are somehow blind to these. I obviously have no way to know for sure, but I honestly think it made a difference for us.
2) Be open to complementary therapies:
I had some experience with yoga, but absolutely no personal experience with acupuncture before I came across Pulling Down the Moon late last year when I was still doing IUIs w/RE #1. I took their Yoga for Fertility class right away, and then started acupuncture early this year. I did give it up after our failed IUI in May, but started up again before our IVF cycle and religiously went for the many visits my trusted acupuncturist recommended all through our cycle. Studies show that especially pre- and post-ET sessions contribute significantly to IVF success rates. I will continue to go during our pregnancy, as I've already got lots of fun symptoms. I'm also starting prenatal yoga this weekend. :)
3) Get healthy:
Sleep:
Historically speaking, I've always been an excellent sleeper (and part time narcoleptic, but that's a story for a different post), though not surprisingly times of great stress (like the extended hell that is IF) have a way of killing my streak. I knew it would be important for me to be getting good sleep during my cycle. This was actually one of the reasons that I decided to take off of work, as our clinic is about an hour a way from home/work. They, of course, offer very early morning appts., but I knew then that this time would come right out of my sleep bank and that was not going to do me any favors in the short or long run. I took their latest appts. (I used my drive as leverage) and slept in...
Food:
DH and I fortunately eat really well anyway (mostly a Mediterranean diet, which he cooks very well), but I made an extra effort to eat good organic and whole foods before and during my cycle. Lots of whole grains/complex carbs, plenty of good fats and proteins, and veggies. Having a new Whole Foods minutes from home and office certainly made this much easier to manage. Remember you not only need to get yourself pg, but need to support an ever growing parasite/s for nine months. :)
Supplements:
Much to everyone's surprise (apparently) I've also been taking a PNV for almost three years (on Rainbow Light now/again) and am also on Omega 3 and Vitamin D. DH took Conception XR, though he likely started it too late to make much of a difference.
Weight:
I am lucky to be genetically blessed in this dept., (though my figure can best be described as overgrown teenage boy) I know it is a tough one for most women. I am 5'11" and weigh about 150 lbs. now, so I have a bit of reserves (as DH affectionately calls them), which is exactly where I want to be. It is almost my top weight ever, except for my freshman year of college when I rowed crew when I maxed out at 155, but I could also bench press my weight (so there ;) ) I've been as low as 125, when I had mono my Sr. year, and it was not pretty. I used to do some modeling, which I can assure you is much more lame than glamorous, but now my job is to be as healthy as possible. I have not and will not worry about my weight until after baby is here.
4) Have a support network:
I've heard of and seen many people doing IVF in secret, but I honestly have no idea how or why they do and knew that was not for me (even though I'm a very private person). My family (parents, sisters), close friends, my boss, and of course all the lovely ladies on the Bump IF board all knew what we were doing. I think this is very important to help maintain your sanity.
5) De-stress:
I realized at some point that I was not going to even attempt to undertake IVF while working in my ridiculous job. This, of course, required me to tell my boss what we were doing (which I hadn't planned on doing). But as I've said here before, I honestly think it's the best idea I've EVER had. By taking unpaid leave, which cost me a pretty penny, I was able to really disconnect from the office (I actually did put my Blackberry and laptop aside) and focus on what we were doing and just be in the moment and healthy.
6) Deal with your mental baggage:
We've all got it, it's just in different sizes and colors. I spent a lot of time writing, thinking, and talking w/DH before and during our cycle in order to clear my head (and therefore my body) of the crap that comes with lugging that stuff around.
7) Don't be shy about making sure you've done everything else you can: (this is where I do my "lap dance" ;) )
We could have done IVF a year ago, glad we weren't in that big a hurry, with our very 1st RE, who recommended it after our first two failed IUI's w/Clomid, when she didn't see the need to remove my septum. RE #2 removed part of it (as we'd later learn), but didn't think we needed IVF. I just knew we weren't done when we got either of their advice.
One of great things our consult with Dr. David confirmed for me is that IVF isn't the best/most efficient way to find out what's causing your problems, though if you are lucky on one of many tries it may get you around them. He recommended tons of new tests and a lap before considering IVF. We took this to heart (partly because it jived with our philosophy/ins. limitations), though some of those tests (namely a new SA for DH) pushed us even farther in the direction of IVF.
When I found out that my septum was not completely removed (see: wasted surgery #2 in Jan.) and RE #4 would need to go in yet again, we insisted on having a lap done as well. He was amenable (and fortunately it was covered under our regular insurance) and it was useful in giving him a valuable perspective on the surgery, so we did it and found that we probably didn't have anything else going on that was causing issues. That may make you think, what a waste! (though our 1st two actually were a complete waste) But with one shot, we needed to do this first and if nothing else it gave us HUGE piece of mind that we had done absolutely everything we could, aside from endless inject cycles, to avoid IVF. I just don't understand people who do many rounds of IVF before/without doing a lap. Maybe it shouldn't be part of the dx process (as it used to be) but it is certainly easier/cheaper than multiple rounds of IVF (as are many other cheap and easy dx tests).
8) Prepare for Failure:
This may sound defeatist, but it's actually a very effective coping mechanism to deal the realities of infertility and ART. We literally had all our eggs in one basket, but I had elaborate scenarios charted out, which made my type A mind feel somewhat assured that if we failed miserably, we would be okay. We were lucky and got a BFP (with two in me and two in the freezer), but if the first round didn't pan out, we would have done an FET OOP. Or if not, I already have a maxed out 2011 FSA (with DH having to next wk to set up his) to do a new fresh cycle next year. Now I will use this for acu and L&D. I started looking at how we would pay for future cycles (new insurance/job for me, asking DH's employer for more $, income/bonus, savings, assets, shared risk, etc.) but we've already talked about adoption and if everything failed I actually was able to wrap my head around offering DH a "get out of jail card" and start a new life for myself. I think there is something to going through all of this. It makes you realize that you will, in fact, survive.
If you've made it this far (congrats!), I'd be interested to hear if anyone has any other words of wisdom? Tips for success?
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Worth the wait...
I have always loved this set, even before we were TTC or dx w/IF. The funny thing is, I think it's probably referring to the nine months fertile people "wait" to meet their LO. Puleeze...
This is a fun site for unique gifts. I got my sister these four years ago when she was expecting her first. When she found out she was having a boy (we are an all girl family), she thought/said "what do we do with one of those?" This is what you do... ;)
Now in organic too. :)
This is a fun site for unique gifts. I got my sister these four years ago when she was expecting her first. When she found out she was having a boy (we are an all girl family), she thought/said "what do we do with one of those?" This is what you do... ;)
Now in organic too. :)
You, Me, and Gurnee :)
Well, we did it! Beta #1 is 104! Beta #2 is on Friday. Please God, let this stick.
After all the death, disease, and despair in our families over the last few months, my EDD is my MIL’s b-day. As DH said, there is nothing like something happy to help you heal from something sad.
Thanks for all your support, it means the world to me! :)
After all the death, disease, and despair in our families over the last few months, my EDD is my MIL’s b-day. As DH said, there is nothing like something happy to help you heal from something sad.
Thanks for all your support, it means the world to me! :)
Monday, November 29, 2010
Back at work
Well, for the first time in three and a half weeks, I'm back at work today. It's a little crazy to have been out so long (it was SO nice and really should be a given for anyone doing IVF), and now I get to do the work that's been waiting for me since the beginning of the month.
Tomorrow is the big beta day, I'm so nervous...
Tomorrow is the big beta day, I'm so nervous...
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Digital on 9dp3dt
DH didn't want me to take it yesterday (boo on him, right?), but today here it is...
As Shakira says, the sticks don't lie, but Tuesday seems so far away...
FRER looks about the same, but I got new faint line on cheapie. My boobs continue to be insane, mild backache, and headache, but I actually feel fairly good.
After three and a half weeks off, tomorrow I go back to work. Lord help me.
As Shakira says, the sticks don't lie, but Tuesday seems so far away...
FRER looks about the same, but I got new faint line on cheapie. My boobs continue to be insane, mild backache, and headache, but I actually feel fairly good.
After three and a half weeks off, tomorrow I go back to work. Lord help me.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
It may be the lightest line ever...
But it's there, it's my first second line EVER, and I'm already in love (and so excited!). Please, please, please be a sticky baby(-ies).
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secrete HCG in the blood (right on time ;) )
Still nothing on the cheapie this morning, this is a FRER. I had completely psyched myself out that I wouldn't be seeing anything like this (my defense mechanism, I guess). Way too many bad dreams and feeling nothing at all for several days. I had all kinds of weird ute "lightning" the first few days after ET, then complete radio silence. Just feeling really tired and hungry and started feeling nauseous today on the drive home. All I can say is BRING IT ON! :)
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Absolutely in love
with these. Raj candleholders from Crate & Barrel...
At $4 a pop, I bought an armful. Happy Thanksgiving! :)
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
What/when in the 2ww...
If things go as they should, here is what happens after a 3dt: (borrowed from L&R here)
1dpt ..Embryo is growing and developing
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT
I start my estrogen patches today, it's going to be an exciting week! :)
1dpt ..Embryo is growing and developing
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT
I start my estrogen patches today, it's going to be an exciting week! :)
Monday, November 22, 2010
DH turns 35!
It is pretty hard to believe that we are really getting this old, but there it is... DH likes to say he is still 28 (just for the 8th time?). We kept it pretty low key this year, given all that is going on, and went into the city to Japonais for dinner on Saturday. Unfortunately, as much as we both love Japanese food, it was pretty mediocre and disappointing. Apparently the buzz about this place is really just the eye candy (it's a favorite of celebrities and wannabes) and not about the food.
I can only hope by the time mine rolls around, we'll be hanging at home with baby. We'd both be happy as clams with that. :)
I can only hope by the time mine rolls around, we'll be hanging at home with baby. We'd both be happy as clams with that. :)
Sunday, November 21, 2010
A spare pair!!
I was just in the shower (and thinking about my embies) and DH busts in and tells me that the clinic has just called to tell us we have two blasts to freeze! Yippee! Best news ever! I can't stop smiling... :)
Friday, November 19, 2010
Embies On Board!(and more lessons learned the hard way)
First of all, I apologize for my freak out this morning, I'm really not a drama queen (I promise ;) ). I am also sorry if I offended anyone with my disappointment in having a 3dt. Given I went into what may be my only ER w/14 follies and ended up with 5 embies, and that my clinic is all about being a 5dt shop (they have dramatically lower success rates with 3dt vs. 5dt), and given the lack of info I had at the time (that only 5 embies may lead to a 3dt, regardless of quality), getting a call that said "can you be here in two hours?" is a little mind bending. Are my last embies arresting as we speak? They wouldn't tell me anything. Goodness that was unnecessarily stressful.
So after I got off the phone, as directed I popped in my Prometrium and laid down for 30 mins. drinking my 24 oz. of water, I then got ready and we left for the hour ride to the clinic. Not too far in, I got really uncomfortable. First, it was "I have to pee" uncomfortable, then it got so severe that I was writhing and screaming in pain. I thought maybe the pill meant to relax my ute must be causing cramping or something. I seriously felt what I imagine laboring in the car to be like. It was absolutely horrific.
When we finally got there, the nurse said I shouldn't be in pain and she immediately popped the u/s on my belly, which we realized was hugely distended. They had me empty two cups out of my bladder immediately, which made me feel SO much better. Then we waited a bit and they u/s'ed me again, and again I could lose two more cups (WTF right?). Then after more waiting they set us up in the transfer room where they u/s'ed me again. I still had a lot more in my bladder than I needed, but I felt so much better at that point that I just stayed put.
The Dr. finally came in and told us that our five embies are all doing well. Thank goodness. There was 1 8-cell, 1 7-cell, 2 6-cells, and one five cell. I was so exhausted at the point, that I didn't ask many questions. We confirmed that we wanted to transfer two and the "best" were the 8-cell and one of the 6-cells. The transfer was uneventful. They will watch the other three until Tuesday to see if any are good for cryo.
Lesson learned, if you are in any pain when you've filled your bladder, just go. I suffered unnecessarily, because I was worried that the transfer would be screwed up if I went. My mock transfer (when I also drank 24 oz.) didn't go as expected, as my bladder wasn't full at all. Go figure.
Thanks for all the T&P, let's hope they are snuggling in and getting comfy. :)
So after I got off the phone, as directed I popped in my Prometrium and laid down for 30 mins. drinking my 24 oz. of water, I then got ready and we left for the hour ride to the clinic. Not too far in, I got really uncomfortable. First, it was "I have to pee" uncomfortable, then it got so severe that I was writhing and screaming in pain. I thought maybe the pill meant to relax my ute must be causing cramping or something. I seriously felt what I imagine laboring in the car to be like. It was absolutely horrific.
When we finally got there, the nurse said I shouldn't be in pain and she immediately popped the u/s on my belly, which we realized was hugely distended. They had me empty two cups out of my bladder immediately, which made me feel SO much better. Then we waited a bit and they u/s'ed me again, and again I could lose two more cups (WTF right?). Then after more waiting they set us up in the transfer room where they u/s'ed me again. I still had a lot more in my bladder than I needed, but I felt so much better at that point that I just stayed put.
The Dr. finally came in and told us that our five embies are all doing well. Thank goodness. There was 1 8-cell, 1 7-cell, 2 6-cells, and one five cell. I was so exhausted at the point, that I didn't ask many questions. We confirmed that we wanted to transfer two and the "best" were the 8-cell and one of the 6-cells. The transfer was uneventful. They will watch the other three until Tuesday to see if any are good for cryo.
Lesson learned, if you are in any pain when you've filled your bladder, just go. I suffered unnecessarily, because I was worried that the transfer would be screwed up if I went. My mock transfer (when I also drank 24 oz.) didn't go as expected, as my bladder wasn't full at all. Go figure.
Thanks for all the T&P, let's hope they are snuggling in and getting comfy. :)
Not great news
I just got off the phone with my clinic, and they want us to come in at 10am (in two hours) for a 3dt. The nurse wouldn't tell me how our five embryos are doing, we will have to wait until we get there to talk to the Dr. Any T&P you have to spare for us would be very much appreciated. I'm laying here with my Prometrium and my water shaking I'm so nervous. Please God...
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Two days post ER
2-day/2-cell embryoWell, it's been an interesting few days. We are thrilled with our five embies (hopefully there are still five of them now, I hate not knowing), but can't help but be somewhat disappointed that with this our first/last/only insured/all bets in round of IVF that we don't had a little more room for error. I'm feeling guilty that I'm having a stage mother moment, that our short term financial situation counts of the success of these embryos. That's not fair to them, but that's where we are. Hopefully they are overachievers like their parents. ;)
I really hate being a worst case scenario Katie, but I have to manage my expectations from this to the best case, and recalibrate where we likely are on this spectrum as we get more information. On my last follie check (where I got measurements), we had 14 measurable follies. Of these, 10 were retrieved, only 7 were mature, and only five fertilized with ICSI. As much as I cringe when I hear about other IFer's having dozens and dozens of eggs retrieved, these numbers don't bode terribly well for what we are dealing with, though I've never had any test come back reflecting DOR or low quality, actually quite the contrary. Hopefully I was just under-stimmed and they are high quality/low quantity.
I realize that we could very well be successful (and maybe still doubly so), but I have to wonder the likelihoood of us ending up with even one to freeze. Meaning the probability that we would need to do another fresh cycle is greater now than it was just a few days ago.
My clinic's success rates are really good, that's why we are going there...
AF's 2009 IVF Pregnancy and Live Birth Success Rates
Clinical Pregnancy Rate Per Egg Retrieval(Sac in uterus on ultrasound): 66.9%
Live Birth Rate Per Egg Retrieval: 62.9%
But the potential impact (cause/effect) of a possible 3dt rather than being able to wait to 5d is dramatic. I will not know what we are doing until tomorrow. I have to keep reminding myself (w/the help of my IRL friend, whose first round of IVF (5dt) was BFN, but her second (3dt) was successful and she has a beautiful 9 mo. old daughter) that it may not matter for me. But my clinic typically does 5dt, unless there is reason not to.
Female Age Under 35
Day of Transfer/ Number of Embryo Transfers Clinical...
Pregnancy Rate Per Embryo Transfer/Live Birth Rate Per Embryo Transfer
Day 2 or 3/ 305... 45.9%/36.7%
Day 5 or 6/ 565... 72.4%/65.8%
I was feeling great post ER, until I realized that I was not going to have a BM in any reasonable amount of time. I was getting really uncomfortable yesterday and finally broke down and went and bought a "gentle" laxative. I don't think I've ever taken a laxative. Needless to say, last evening after class was not pleasant. Hopefully, my body will right itself and I will not need anymore of that anytime soon. Ugh.
I took my first shot of PIO last night, which DH administered after some extensive icing. I didn't really feel a thing, but it is the creepiest thing, that huge needle. I'm not that big across, so it seems to border on impaling to me. Hopefully these will get even easier, and I will be able to do them myself, when needed. My sweet sister (who has finally moved back to MN, now that my grandma is in WI) has graciously offered to come stay with me (and little does she know, give me my shots) when she found out my DH will be going back to India next month and I will be alone. This is of course assuming I get pg. See I really am an optimist. :)
Off to spend the day in Evanston with my dear friend and her nearly four year old daughter, and go see my acupuncturist for what may be my pre-ET visit.
* All images from www.advancedfertility.com
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Fert report
Of the 10 eggs they retrieved yesterday, 7 were mature, 5 fertilized and we now have 5 embies growing. :)
It is still up in the air whether we will do a 3dt on Friday or a 5dt on Sunday. They will call me back on Friday morning. It's going to be a LONG two days...
It is still up in the air whether we will do a 3dt on Friday or a 5dt on Sunday. They will call me back on Friday morning. It's going to be a LONG two days...
My first mommie moment
For the first time in quite awhile, I got up in the middle of the night wracked with worry. I couldn't stop thinking about my embies... How many of them are there? How are they doing? Who's looking after them? Are they taking good care of them?
I'm probably completely certifiable, but I guess I should get used to worrying about them for the next 20+ years...
I'm probably completely certifiable, but I guess I should get used to worrying about them for the next 20+ years...
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
10!!
They retrieved 10 eggs today! We are very excited! I thought maybe we'd get an even dozen or so, but my RE thought we'd have fewer than we did. They like to have 8-15, so he was very happy with what they have to work with. I hope it's just the right amount, it's my lucky number. ;)
So excited for the fertilization report tomorrow. I am feeling spectacular since the retrieval and fluid drain, which is welcome since I felt really lousy yesterday. So glad to be home and resting.
So excited for the fertilization report tomorrow. I am feeling spectacular since the retrieval and fluid drain, which is welcome since I felt really lousy yesterday. So glad to be home and resting.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Eager for ER
I am so ready to get all these little buggers out of me! I am really bloated and uncomfortable. I know this is normal. It hurts to walk and to sit, so I've been basically laying on my back most of the day. I have no idea how people do this and work. I guess I'm spoiled, but it really would be inhumane. Though that could be said for the whole process. My boobs are killing me too. They tend to be pretty sensitive to the hormones I've taken over the last year, but the last few days they are really hurting. It hurts to wear a bra, it hurts not to wear one. I can't win.
S is missing another important client meeting tomorrow to take me to ER, so he had to tell his bosses why he can't be there. One is the the great guy who takes us sailing and the other apparently went through all this with his wife (they have since adopted two children), so they are cool. My bosses have been good about leaving me alone the last week, which I guess is good. It'll be interesting to go back.
Since I seemed to respond well to stims, I'm really eager to see how many eggs they retrieve, how many are mature, how many fertilize (we are doing ICSI). It's going to be a whole lot more waiting the next few days and weeks, but I could be pg in just two more. It's so hard to believe.
S is missing another important client meeting tomorrow to take me to ER, so he had to tell his bosses why he can't be there. One is the the great guy who takes us sailing and the other apparently went through all this with his wife (they have since adopted two children), so they are cool. My bosses have been good about leaving me alone the last week, which I guess is good. It'll be interesting to go back.
Since I seemed to respond well to stims, I'm really eager to see how many eggs they retrieve, how many are mature, how many fertilize (we are doing ICSI). It's going to be a whole lot more waiting the next few days and weeks, but I could be pg in just two more. It's so hard to believe.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Triggering TONIGHT!
My follies liked the big kick they got yesterday and took off, and after a good monitoring appt. this morning (which I brought S to, I figured he needed to meet the vag cam at least once ;) ), I just got the call that I'm triggering tonight @ 10:30pm! Just took one last shot at 225, finishing nearly every last drop of my Gonal-F. My ER is Tuesday morning @ 8:30 am, ET on Friday or Sunday, so we'll likely be going up to WI for Thanksgiving. Beta on 11/30... :)
Saturday, November 13, 2010
IVF update
I promise I haven't been being coy about my IVF cycle, my clinic just isn't very forthcoming with specific info. When they called this afternoon, instead of putting instructions on the med line, I made sure to ask for numbers. When I've been going in every other day for monitoring, they've just told me everything looks great and my Dr. has been keeping my meds pretty steady. As of this morning's early morning monitoring appt...
14 measurable/25 total follies (17 x 2, 15 x 3, 14 x 4, 12, 11 x 3, 10), 11 smaller
lining: 9.5
E2: 1619
LH: 3.0
P4: 1.6
The u/s tech said that my right ovary looked "gorgeous" this morning... :) Thirteen of the follies and both the 17s and two each of the 15s and the 14s are on that one.
I just took another 300 iu of Gonal F and go back in tomorrow AM again. I could trigger as early as tomorrow night, for an ET Tuesday! If not then, Mon. trigger for an ET on Wednesday at the latest!! I AM SO EXCITED!! :)
14 measurable/25 total follies (17 x 2, 15 x 3, 14 x 4, 12, 11 x 3, 10), 11 smaller
lining: 9.5
E2: 1619
LH: 3.0
P4: 1.6
The u/s tech said that my right ovary looked "gorgeous" this morning... :) Thirteen of the follies and both the 17s and two each of the 15s and the 14s are on that one.
I just took another 300 iu of Gonal F and go back in tomorrow AM again. I could trigger as early as tomorrow night, for an ET Tuesday! If not then, Mon. trigger for an ET on Wednesday at the latest!! I AM SO EXCITED!! :)
Friday, November 12, 2010
Pattern mixing and subway tiles
For those of you who read for the infertility coverage, I apologize in advance, as I'm breaking my own rules (of not filling my blog with mag pics) again. But trust me, it's worth it. I thought it was time for some pretty pics. I find home design to be the nearly perfect opposite to infertility, kind of irrelevant in the whole scheme of important things, but it makes me happy (when done well, of course).
So my latest assignment for my design class was "pattern mixing", which is actually much harder than it sounds. And in catching up on all my magazines from the last few months, I found two homes (in NYC and the Hamptons) which jumped out at me and put a huge smile on my face, and show pattern mixing done well.
The first is the home of Nancy Tilghman (featured in the October House Beautiful), designed by Daniel Sachs. The second is of Cosima Von Bulow Pavoncelli (featured in November Town & Country), designed by Markham Roberts. They are each, in nearly every room, just chock full of John Robshaw and Peter Dunham textiles. I didn't stand a chance...
From House Beautiful...
I love the dark blue in this foyer, and am still looking for the perfect blue for our den (to become a boy's room, if needed). Some crisp white beadboard will balance it out and lighten it up nicely for a kid's room.
I loved this use of paper, and yes I had to run out and do this with our china cabinet immediately.
From Town & Country...
In case you missed it, in addition to having a very similar vibe (feminine colors, great patterns, global influences), they both have great white kitchens with nearly identical blue-gray subway tiles. I love these! When we finally redo our kitchen (replacing the old white cabs with new white ones), I am so getting these.
*HB sources
So my latest assignment for my design class was "pattern mixing", which is actually much harder than it sounds. And in catching up on all my magazines from the last few months, I found two homes (in NYC and the Hamptons) which jumped out at me and put a huge smile on my face, and show pattern mixing done well.
The first is the home of Nancy Tilghman (featured in the October House Beautiful), designed by Daniel Sachs. The second is of Cosima Von Bulow Pavoncelli (featured in November Town & Country), designed by Markham Roberts. They are each, in nearly every room, just chock full of John Robshaw and Peter Dunham textiles. I didn't stand a chance...
From House Beautiful...
I love the dark blue in this foyer, and am still looking for the perfect blue for our den (to become a boy's room, if needed). Some crisp white beadboard will balance it out and lighten it up nicely for a kid's room. 
I loved this use of paper, and yes I had to run out and do this with our china cabinet immediately.
From Town & Country...
In case you missed it, in addition to having a very similar vibe (feminine colors, great patterns, global influences), they both have great white kitchens with nearly identical blue-gray subway tiles. I love these! When we finally redo our kitchen (replacing the old white cabs with new white ones), I am so getting these.
*HB sources
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