I have to admit I'm writing and writing lots of pointless crap and not publishing any of it. Sorry... (or maybe I should say you're welcome ;) ) Work is nuts and I'm alternating between it, the boards, and the "private" blog, as to support my girls, clear my ridiculously cluttered head, and avoid spending any money online shopping (hello teeny paychecks in November).
I don't have much to report on the IVF front. Besides not sleeping well (I sleep great until 3-4am, then I lay in bed for hours), which is nothing new, I'm not having any real side effects from the Lupron. Hope AF comes as scheduled this weekend and we can get this show on the road finally. My last day of work before my leave is next Wednesday and I cannot wait!
Friday, October 29, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Wishing I was home
So it's catching up with me, not sleeping well that is. I'm tired and feel like crap. I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't want to be here when I'm doing this. I am supposed to be home starting next Thursday, but of course I have an obscene amount of work to do between now and then. Whoever thought it was a good idea to have me on the project that the goals of the entire company apparently rest on, was out of their mind. :/ Can we start a countdown to March?
This is what I'm supposed to be up to tonight, if I don't fall asleep before then. I haven't been to Tru since they were the hot new place in town a decade ago. I'm a sucker for magazine parties, it'll be a nice little deja vu from my ad agency days...
This is what I'm supposed to be up to tonight, if I don't fall asleep before then. I haven't been to Tru since they were the hot new place in town a decade ago. I'm a sucker for magazine parties, it'll be a nice little deja vu from my ad agency days...
Monday, October 25, 2010
Lupron
Is not my enemy yet... I'm two days in and doing okay. I'm going to get good at doing the injects in my car, as I have evening plans almost every night this week. Wish me luck.
Great news on my sister, her wash lab came back negative this weekend, so no chemo. We are all beyond thrilled. Thanks for all your T&P.
Great news on my sister, her wash lab came back negative this weekend, so no chemo. We are all beyond thrilled. Thanks for all your T&P.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Leaving my bags at the door...
I realize this title could be taken a number of different ways, but it's my way of saying that we are trying to move past the last two years of heartache (and honestly a lot of emotional baggage) that has brought us to this point. Trying to clear my head and open my heart to what is to come. We have a plan to cycle again if this doesn't work. Here.we.go...
Your horoscope for October 23, 2010
Things that have been out of whack in your life should begin to come back into balance again, Katherine. The bad news is that it may take a while for the pendulum to return to the point you want it to, but the good news is that this shift is taking place. It will be a slow and gradual change, but you are at a pivotal point in which you can set your sights on exactly what you want.
Your horoscope for October 23, 2010
Things that have been out of whack in your life should begin to come back into balance again, Katherine. The bad news is that it may take a while for the pendulum to return to the point you want it to, but the good news is that this shift is taking place. It will be a slow and gradual change, but you are at a pivotal point in which you can set your sights on exactly what you want.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Two Years
Is how long we've now been trying to get pregnant... But I start Lupron tomorrow. :)
It's funny that this "anniversary" happens to coincide with the electoral cycle, but only a political junkie like me would probably even notice this.
Two years ago...
-We had been together for almost four years, in our house for nearly three, and had recently celebrated our second wedding anniversary.
-It was the short window in the year when we are both the same age, at that time, 32.
-S had finally received his permanent residency (after ten yrs of slogging and waiting and unimaginable employer snafus) and had just taken his big PE exam (after many more unexpected delays), finally freeing him to look for a new job (which also coincidentally brought us our current IF bennies).
-I had been at my last job for a year, and was therefore finally FMLA and almost full STD eligible, but bigger yet, my boss, who had just buried her husband of eight years after he battled brain cancer for five, had just returned to work. The bottom had fallen out of the economy, but we would work for a few more months on the CEO's pet project until our VP (and many others) were let go, the project was cancelled, and we were left in limbo for months until we were finally reassigned.
-I had been off the pill for nearly two years (after ten years on them) and was super regular, boosting my confidence that even though my period had been wacky in my teens, that we would be able to get pregnant fairly easily. Oh, the wishful thinking...
-My sister was getting ready to have her second baby in as many years (she now, of course, has another). My best friend from college, married a year, had just had her first (she now has a second), but otherwise most of my close friends didn't have kids, now of course most of them do.
Since then:
-We've been to five different RE's at four clinics in two states. I've had three surgeries (two of them a complete waste) and have been on more meds than I care to recall. S has had three SA's and has been to a urologist. We've done three failed treatment cycles. I've had more Dr's appts., blood drawn, and transvag u/s than I can even begin to count. We've already spent thousands and thousands of dollars OOP, even though we have IF coverage and a $250 deductible PPO.
-On the family front, we've sadly and prematurely lost my father-in-law, who two years ago was doing absolutely fabulous after having emergency bypass surgery the previous year. My sister's new baby was dx with craniosynostosis (which was corrected by surgery) but thankfully is not afflicted with a syndrome. My older sister was dx with cancer, which is thankfully stage 1. And my grandmother and the matriarch of my family was dx with terminal lymphoma.
If we'd been successful at the start, we'd have a nearly 16 month old toddler and would be trying for #2. Who knows, I could still have two by the time I turn 35. ;) Now wouldn't that be ironic, talk about taking the long hard road...
It's funny that this "anniversary" happens to coincide with the electoral cycle, but only a political junkie like me would probably even notice this.
Two years ago...
-We had been together for almost four years, in our house for nearly three, and had recently celebrated our second wedding anniversary.
-It was the short window in the year when we are both the same age, at that time, 32.
-S had finally received his permanent residency (after ten yrs of slogging and waiting and unimaginable employer snafus) and had just taken his big PE exam (after many more unexpected delays), finally freeing him to look for a new job (which also coincidentally brought us our current IF bennies).
-I had been at my last job for a year, and was therefore finally FMLA and almost full STD eligible, but bigger yet, my boss, who had just buried her husband of eight years after he battled brain cancer for five, had just returned to work. The bottom had fallen out of the economy, but we would work for a few more months on the CEO's pet project until our VP (and many others) were let go, the project was cancelled, and we were left in limbo for months until we were finally reassigned.
-I had been off the pill for nearly two years (after ten years on them) and was super regular, boosting my confidence that even though my period had been wacky in my teens, that we would be able to get pregnant fairly easily. Oh, the wishful thinking...
-My sister was getting ready to have her second baby in as many years (she now, of course, has another). My best friend from college, married a year, had just had her first (she now has a second), but otherwise most of my close friends didn't have kids, now of course most of them do.
Since then:
-We've been to five different RE's at four clinics in two states. I've had three surgeries (two of them a complete waste) and have been on more meds than I care to recall. S has had three SA's and has been to a urologist. We've done three failed treatment cycles. I've had more Dr's appts., blood drawn, and transvag u/s than I can even begin to count. We've already spent thousands and thousands of dollars OOP, even though we have IF coverage and a $250 deductible PPO.
-On the family front, we've sadly and prematurely lost my father-in-law, who two years ago was doing absolutely fabulous after having emergency bypass surgery the previous year. My sister's new baby was dx with craniosynostosis (which was corrected by surgery) but thankfully is not afflicted with a syndrome. My older sister was dx with cancer, which is thankfully stage 1. And my grandmother and the matriarch of my family was dx with terminal lymphoma.
If we'd been successful at the start, we'd have a nearly 16 month old toddler and would be trying for #2. Who knows, I could still have two by the time I turn 35. ;) Now wouldn't that be ironic, talk about taking the long hard road...
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Good news/bad news
This is how things work for us, but you know you gotta worry about the big stuff and let the other stuff slide...
Sara is getting ready to head home tonight, she is doing so well. What a trooper! All her path reports just came back fine, her other tube had a benign cyst. We are just waiting on her wash report (to see if there are any free cells that are cancerous). If that is negative, then she can avoid chemo, which is no small blessing.
My niece also got a clear today from the plastic surgeon @ Mayo that she won't need any more surgery, at least in the short term, which is also huge.
S's 3rd SA came back today. Count was amazing (as always), morphology up to 4% (but still low), motility down to 48% (this is the first time this has been an issue). Since it's too late to do much for our cycle, we confirmed that we are doing ICSI. But we are looking into supplements, in case this isn't our last cycle.
Boy, we sure do keep the doctors and surgeons busy...
Sara is getting ready to head home tonight, she is doing so well. What a trooper! All her path reports just came back fine, her other tube had a benign cyst. We are just waiting on her wash report (to see if there are any free cells that are cancerous). If that is negative, then she can avoid chemo, which is no small blessing.
My niece also got a clear today from the plastic surgeon @ Mayo that she won't need any more surgery, at least in the short term, which is also huge.
S's 3rd SA came back today. Count was amazing (as always), morphology up to 4% (but still low), motility down to 48% (this is the first time this has been an issue). Since it's too late to do much for our cycle, we confirmed that we are doing ICSI. But we are looking into supplements, in case this isn't our last cycle.
Boy, we sure do keep the doctors and surgeons busy...
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Sara update
After two hours of surgery today and 70 (yes, I said 70) biopsies, Sara is recovering at the hospital. She will be there for another 3-4 days, depending on how things go. We could know something from pathology by that time or at the latest next week. The surgeon said the remaining tube looked like the first (i.e. cancerous). Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers.
T&P request for my sister
Today is her big surgery day. Since fallopian tube cancer is treated like ovarian cancer, it needs to be staged in what seems like a very medieval way to me. She will have open surgery, from her sternum to her pelvis, where they will biopsy all tissues in her abdomen to see if there are any cancer cells anywhere. This will determine her treatment. Any and all thoughts and prayers are much appreciated.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Until things change again...
I'm taking a personal leave from work for three weeks in November. Assuming what I've been told and was approved today holds, I can take the three weeks before Thanksgiving unpaid, without using my remaining two weeks of PTO, and not have it count against my 12 weeks of FMLA time (this is apparently up the discretion of my management whether or not it applies, so I requested that it not and my boss said fine).
Honestly, I don't see being at my current job beyond next March, when I will collect my annual bonus and will have put in my time to not have to repay my sign-on or tuition reimbursement. But if our IVF is successful, depending on how things go, we'll decide whether I will stay on through my maternity leave (as it would be paid via STD and PTO) or leave at bonus time, in my second trimester.
If we are not successful, I will likely not be able to do a fresh cycle again until April (due to extensive work travel from Jan-Mar.) So we are praying for frosties! Then we can either beg DH's employer for additional IF $ (they are self-funded and provide a $15K lifetime max that is now exhausted) and/or I can get a new job with IF/adoption bennies (as my current employer offers absolutely none for IF), or WCS we could pay OOP (for IUI or IVF-fresh or frozen).
Top companies for IF/adoption benefits from Conceive Magazine
Top Prospects:
Royal Bank of Scotland/Citizens Bank Group:
$100K treatments, $100K meds, $22K/adoption reimbursement
Boston Consulting Group:
UNLIMITED IF benefits (can you believe it!?), none for adoption
Barilla (mmm, pasta...): 4 cycles of IVF, unlimited meds, $12K/adoption
National Futures Association: unlimited IF benefits, $5K/adoption
Or since IL is a mandate state, I could find a large enough IL-based, non-self funded employer that offers an HMO, but preferably not BCBS HMO (which my current RE doesn't accept) Yes, it's that complicated. The IL mandate is for 4 IVF cycles.
I will likely be several days into stims by the time I go on leave (since my boss booked me for a big presentation on 11/3), but it will be so nice. I drove up to Gurnee yesterday for the first time in the morning, and for a five minute blood draw, it took me three hours round trip. Between my appts. at the RE, acu, chiro, massage, and my procedures, yoga, school work, house work, etc., I'm not worried that I'll keep plenty busy.
Honestly, I don't see being at my current job beyond next March, when I will collect my annual bonus and will have put in my time to not have to repay my sign-on or tuition reimbursement. But if our IVF is successful, depending on how things go, we'll decide whether I will stay on through my maternity leave (as it would be paid via STD and PTO) or leave at bonus time, in my second trimester.
If we are not successful, I will likely not be able to do a fresh cycle again until April (due to extensive work travel from Jan-Mar.) So we are praying for frosties! Then we can either beg DH's employer for additional IF $ (they are self-funded and provide a $15K lifetime max that is now exhausted) and/or I can get a new job with IF/adoption bennies (as my current employer offers absolutely none for IF), or WCS we could pay OOP (for IUI or IVF-fresh or frozen).
Top companies for IF/adoption benefits from Conceive Magazine
Top Prospects:
Royal Bank of Scotland/Citizens Bank Group:
$100K treatments, $100K meds, $22K/adoption reimbursement
Boston Consulting Group:
UNLIMITED IF benefits (can you believe it!?), none for adoption
Barilla (mmm, pasta...): 4 cycles of IVF, unlimited meds, $12K/adoption
National Futures Association: unlimited IF benefits, $5K/adoption
Or since IL is a mandate state, I could find a large enough IL-based, non-self funded employer that offers an HMO, but preferably not BCBS HMO (which my current RE doesn't accept) Yes, it's that complicated. The IL mandate is for 4 IVF cycles.
I will likely be several days into stims by the time I go on leave (since my boss booked me for a big presentation on 11/3), but it will be so nice. I drove up to Gurnee yesterday for the first time in the morning, and for a five minute blood draw, it took me three hours round trip. Between my appts. at the RE, acu, chiro, massage, and my procedures, yoga, school work, house work, etc., I'm not worried that I'll keep plenty busy.
FINALLY!
I got a surge OPK this morning (CD14), and you know what that means?!
IVF #1 is on!
I start Lupron (10 units) and my baby aspirin next Saturday, the 23rd. I can hardly believe it after all the waiting and doctors and tests and surgery and disease and death and misery since we decided on this next step, just a few months ago.
It's been a rough week as I was traveling for work and over those three days I learned that two of my oldest and dearest friends (the three of us were roommates) are both expecting their first. I'm very happy for them both. It's a long story that I won't go into now, but against my own edict and better angels I allowed their timing and complaining to get to me.
I went back to Pulling Down the Moon last night for the first time since my failed cycle in May. Getting back into my acupuncture and yoga practice this weekend after way too much chaos over the last few months. Can't wait!
IVF #1 is on!
I start Lupron (10 units) and my baby aspirin next Saturday, the 23rd. I can hardly believe it after all the waiting and doctors and tests and surgery and disease and death and misery since we decided on this next step, just a few months ago.
It's been a rough week as I was traveling for work and over those three days I learned that two of my oldest and dearest friends (the three of us were roommates) are both expecting their first. I'm very happy for them both. It's a long story that I won't go into now, but against my own edict and better angels I allowed their timing and complaining to get to me.
I went back to Pulling Down the Moon last night for the first time since my failed cycle in May. Getting back into my acupuncture and yoga practice this weekend after way too much chaos over the last few months. Can't wait!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
John Lennon quotes
Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
The more I see the less I know for sure.
You're just left with yourself all the time, whatever you do anyway. You've got to get down to your own God in your own temple. It's all down to you, mate.
When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream.
A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.
All you need is love.
The more I see the less I know for sure.
You're just left with yourself all the time, whatever you do anyway. You've got to get down to your own God in your own temple. It's all down to you, mate.
When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream.
A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.
All you need is love.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Embracing our burden
It's been busy around here lately; trying to get settled back in, get well, get caught up at home, work and school (I should be doing homework right now), and get my head back in the game. I've recently decided that I'm going to embrace our burden. Let me explain.
I've spent countless hours seriously contemplating and recontemplating my life goals, my marriage, my career, my desire to become a parent, everything. This is what IF does to you and you know what? It's not a wholly terrible thing. You know what they say about the unexamined life. And where I've come out on the other side is that I am right where I'm supposed to be right now. It sure feels like purgatory, but you know I wouldn't change places with any of my sisters.
Not the one with a million friends who's facing down cancer, not the beautiful one with three kids under four, not the rich one who can live in NYC and work part time as a restaurant reviewer, and not the brilliant one who even with her MS degree is having trouble finding a job in her field.
We have good jobs, a good marriage, good friends, and a nice home. Like my uncle recently said when he was visiting, "(we) are living the American dream". I thought more like the American nightmare. But this too shall pass. We will have the family we were meant to have. Obviously not on our timeline, maybe not even with our blood lines, but someday someone will call us Mom and Dad. And that will be enough.
I've spent countless hours seriously contemplating and recontemplating my life goals, my marriage, my career, my desire to become a parent, everything. This is what IF does to you and you know what? It's not a wholly terrible thing. You know what they say about the unexamined life. And where I've come out on the other side is that I am right where I'm supposed to be right now. It sure feels like purgatory, but you know I wouldn't change places with any of my sisters.
Not the one with a million friends who's facing down cancer, not the beautiful one with three kids under four, not the rich one who can live in NYC and work part time as a restaurant reviewer, and not the brilliant one who even with her MS degree is having trouble finding a job in her field.
We have good jobs, a good marriage, good friends, and a nice home. Like my uncle recently said when he was visiting, "(we) are living the American dream". I thought more like the American nightmare. But this too shall pass. We will have the family we were meant to have. Obviously not on our timeline, maybe not even with our blood lines, but someday someone will call us Mom and Dad. And that will be enough.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
What I'm (re-)reading now
I first read The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri just before I met S. I think we talked about it on our first date. We went to see it in the theater when it came out as a movie, and now it's on HBO all.the.time and we always stop to watch it. It's really good.
And now it was like a guidebook for me on what happens when a Hindu man dies suddenly and his eldest son is left to fulfil his role. I highly recommend the book (and all her others) and the movie, which was directed by Mira Nair (Monsoon Wedding) and stars Kal Penn (of Harold and Kumar fame). And extra points if you recognize his girlfriend Maxine, Jacinda Barrett, from The Real World London.
The Year of Magical Thinking is a memoir by renowned writer Joan Didion as she recounts the awful year when she suddenly lost her husband (renowned writer John Dunne, brother of Dominick) and then later her only child, an adult daughter who tragically succumbs to several illnesses she contracted on her honeymoon. Profoundly felt and expertly written.
And in other book news, my college roommate Michelle's new book, This Won't Hurt a Bit, is now available for pre-order on Amazon.
Friday, October 1, 2010
No miracle
I know it's been complete downersville around here lately, and I'm quite tired of writing about sad things. All the more reason we'd been hoping (way beyond reason) that this month could possibly bring us some positive news in the way of miracle pre-IVF/post-lap/septum removal/unexpected break BFP. But alas no dice, it wasn't in the cards for us.
It was longest cycle I've had in the two years I've been keeping track, five entire weeks instead of the usual four. So even though I didn't know exactly when I O'd (I ran out of the OPK I was using for IVF the day I left for India), I knew it was really late, very well because of the emotional trauma (also the likely cause of wads of my hair falling out :( ). We figured the only possible consolation for having lost S's dad so unexpectedly (on Grandparent's day, no less) in the middle of all of this, would be for us to come home to some good news and not have to do IVF after all. I know it's crazy given our lack of any success the last two years, but like I said, sometimes you throw reason out the window. Nothing really makes any sense anymore anyway.
So we are trying to put things back together as best we can. We can't get dad back or the anticipation we had going into September or even really the optimism we had going into our cycle. I was resigned to the fact that my main birthday present this year would be a big $2,500 OOP box of IVF drugs and the day was scheduled to bring AF and the beginning of stims. Instead it was the final day of the 13-day long funeral in India. We were supposed to start Lupron around our 4th wedding anniversary, but instead I was alone on a plane (and then a train) to meet my husband on the other side of the world. It's all still just so surreal.
So now that AF is finally here, I'll get a new IVF calendar.
My estimates based on the old schedule:
Begin OPK: 10/13
Ovulation: 10/17 (then begin Lupron)
AF: 10/30
Begin Gonal-F stims: ~Halloween
ER: wk of 11/7
ET: 5dt
Beta: wk of 11/21 (S's 35th b-day is 11/22) for an early August 2011 EDD, so very likely my last chance to have a baby before I myself turn 35 and am officially AMA.
So now I have to decide if I'm going to take leave. I finally looked up the personal leave policy at work and big surprise, HR are a bunch of idiots. I don't have to use all my PTO in order to take unpaid leave as they have a 5-day reserve they require you to keep (for when you return, or for me to roll over) and you don't have to use PTO you've purchased (my other week). Two weeks is exactly what I have left. I took a week of PTO for India and the other I was able to take as bereavement leave. After all we've been through and the horror stories about Lupron et al make me think that it would be a good idea. But it's a lot of money that we could use for future cycles or to help me retire ASAP...
It was longest cycle I've had in the two years I've been keeping track, five entire weeks instead of the usual four. So even though I didn't know exactly when I O'd (I ran out of the OPK I was using for IVF the day I left for India), I knew it was really late, very well because of the emotional trauma (also the likely cause of wads of my hair falling out :( ). We figured the only possible consolation for having lost S's dad so unexpectedly (on Grandparent's day, no less) in the middle of all of this, would be for us to come home to some good news and not have to do IVF after all. I know it's crazy given our lack of any success the last two years, but like I said, sometimes you throw reason out the window. Nothing really makes any sense anymore anyway.
So we are trying to put things back together as best we can. We can't get dad back or the anticipation we had going into September or even really the optimism we had going into our cycle. I was resigned to the fact that my main birthday present this year would be a big $2,500 OOP box of IVF drugs and the day was scheduled to bring AF and the beginning of stims. Instead it was the final day of the 13-day long funeral in India. We were supposed to start Lupron around our 4th wedding anniversary, but instead I was alone on a plane (and then a train) to meet my husband on the other side of the world. It's all still just so surreal.
So now that AF is finally here, I'll get a new IVF calendar.
My estimates based on the old schedule:
Begin OPK: 10/13
Ovulation: 10/17 (then begin Lupron)
AF: 10/30
Begin Gonal-F stims: ~Halloween
ER: wk of 11/7
ET: 5dt
Beta: wk of 11/21 (S's 35th b-day is 11/22) for an early August 2011 EDD, so very likely my last chance to have a baby before I myself turn 35 and am officially AMA.
So now I have to decide if I'm going to take leave. I finally looked up the personal leave policy at work and big surprise, HR are a bunch of idiots. I don't have to use all my PTO in order to take unpaid leave as they have a 5-day reserve they require you to keep (for when you return, or for me to roll over) and you don't have to use PTO you've purchased (my other week). Two weeks is exactly what I have left. I took a week of PTO for India and the other I was able to take as bereavement leave. After all we've been through and the horror stories about Lupron et al make me think that it would be a good idea. But it's a lot of money that we could use for future cycles or to help me retire ASAP...
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