A Cape Nanny Diary (and more parenting lessons)

A big shout out to the twins who are 26 months old today! :)

When the winter gets way too long, I can't help but think about summer, and often that leads to the three summers in the late 90s I spent living and working as a nanny on Cape Cod while I was in college, as they were pretty formative for me.  I did keep diaries, but I didn't write a best selling book. ;)  But I probably learned more there that has been useful in life than in any other time/place (and not just how to sail and eat a lobster).  It was more of an education than a job really, thanks to the many people I met there.  The job broadly was carting kids to golf, tennis, sailing and swimming lessons and then laying on the beach, enjoying Nantucket Sound.  Rough, I know.  And now that I'm a mom, I look back at all of it in even a new light...

The first summer, I moved there to work for/live with a family (I'll call them the Potters), who lived in Wellesley Hills (near where I was going to college) but "summered" in Hyannis Port, a summer haven to the Kennedys for nearly a century, while the husband stayed back home and worked during the week.  They were my age now, with a daughter and son, who were seven and four the first summer I spent with them.

Lori had listed their position with the college, and I answered it when I determined I didn't have the resources, easy connections, or honestly the burning desire (can you say burnout?), to support a high powered professional internship all summer, but I would need to work, as I always had, to come up with my required contribution to my second year's college expenses, which were substantial.  I had no desire to go back home to WI to work for the summer, as I had before, so I figured a job that included room and board out East would be a good idea, and I had years of babysitting experience and awesome references.

Plus, I thought it sounded fun to spend the summer on the Cape, which I'd only visited once, and a welcome respite from my very busy schedule at school.  I was then in my first year attempting (to varying levels of success) to balance being a lab science major, with rowing crew competitively for the first time, working on campus (and in the '96 NH primary) and trying to have some sort of social life at a women's college.  Don't laugh.

 Rowing on the Charles

Lori and I hit it off right away when I went to their cozy white colonial near campus to meet for the first time.  They'd just bought their sprawling Cape home two years before (after she'd nearly died of meningitis) and their much loved previous summer nanny had apparently moved on.  Her husband, Ron, who was as big and blond as she was petite and brunette (she's a doppelganger for Jenny Sanford, he for a sober Ron White), and as being a hockey player would suggest, and since he worked very successfully in medical equipment sales around Boston, she left her "good job" and focused on being a traditional SAHW/M to their two adorable kids.  They'd originally planned a large family, she was the youngest (and a twin) of six, but she'd had difficult sickly pregnancies, so they'd packed it in after two.

Allie is now a BC grad, and works at an ad agency in Boston (sound familiar?).  Corey is finishing up at St. Lawrence...

Where does the time go...

Lori cooked and cleaned and sewed liked a fiend (I don't think she had help other than a summer nanny, which for her was as much about status as anything, and why she didn't have an au pair like nearly every other family there) and loved to throw herself into photography, decorating, and her extended daily work outs, even more than parenting really (the kids often complained about how little time they got to spend with both their parents).  They were basically right out of central casting and The Preppy Handbook (a copy of which she kept in my room).

  

The very first day I spent on the Cape, after driving down with the three of them (and their yellow lab) in their old school/woody Jeep Grand Wagoneer (above from TH), included lunch at "the golf club" (where JFK and Jackie had their engagement party) and a stop at "the beach club", where that day I met the scion (and Potter friend) who would later become my first serious boyfriend, and first proposal. 

HP harbor from his porch

Early during that first summer, I also met the Croydens (also not their real name) at "the yacht club", which is really just the simple town pier (above) that you see in just about every Kennedy picture ever taken in HP (this is where the razis would hang out every weekend, all summer to get a glimpse of someone, back in that day usually JFK Jr. (may he RIP) or the Arnold, going sailing).

Forget Taylor Swift, '96-'98 were the Carolyn years, here w/Friday the dog

Shannon "Croyden" had gone to Smith (so we were both of the seven sisters) and met her husband, Drew, a Stanford swimmer, when they were at BC Law.  Shannon was a few years younger than Lori, and unlike her had grown up summering in HP, like many, if not most, families there.  Shannon's family started and runs a MA based food company, which started to sell salad dressing from the family's steak house in Framingham, to now bottling for Newman's Own and having a huge retail and food service business.  There's a lot of money in salad dressing apparently.

She and Lori weren't good friends, but the story goes she'd called Lori to get my number after the first summer, and I started babysitting for her growing brood in their Newton house during the school year.  This apparently really annoyed Lori, though of course it was her doing and she didn't use me during the school year anyway.  Though apparently it was not enough to not have me come back for a second summer (after I'd gone home for the summer, I then drove all the way from WI to HP to rescue her and her kids from my apparently mentally unstable and brief replacement).

***

I loved the Potters (even w/all her neuroses), and they were all big fans of mine, so I probably would have gone back to live with them for a third summer, but by then I'd transferred to BC, was taking summer school courses in Boston (to graduate on time due to said transfer), and had an apt., job, and BF in Boston.  Not exactly condusive to a full time/live in arrangement.  But I was working for the Croydens during the year a lot, she was not shy with help, and from the first summer she'd gone from one baby to three.  She'd left her big firm job to stay home, had a young Mexican au pair live in to help, and whenever she went out, which was often and even sometimes when she didn't, I would help with her brood of tinies as the second sitter.

The third summer I actually ended up working/pinch hit parenting for the youngest of her four brothers, whose newly ex-wife had apparently had a life crisis and left their children to move to LA to find herself as an actress or something.  Like many men in HP, her brother worked out of town during the week and wasn't exactly a hands-on parent.  Their daughters were four and seven, and as I'm sure you can imagine, we're not in a great place emotionally after being "abandoned" by their SAHM.

"If you bungle raising your children, nothing else you do well matters very much..." -JBKO

Sailing off of HP

It was all very sad actually, I guess that is why I wanted to try to help them for as much of every week as I could get down to the Cape, usually at least 4-day weekends, while they had local girls fill in when I was back in the city.  And Shannon thought I'd have extra insight since my parents were divorced when I was about their age, but there are some problems no amount of insight, help (and money) can solve.  We all lived in her parents' summer house on the harbor in HP, until she bought the place across the street late that summer.

That was by far the most challenging summer, and by the end I'd lost a bunch of weight I really didn't need to, had come down with mono (the after effects still w/me 15 years later), had a cancer scare, and was growing tired of the Croyden clan.  The last weekend of the summer, the extended family were all off to Nantucket for Doug Kennedy's wedding and Shannon left her au pair (who was soon returning home) with no money, no formula for the newest baby, and no way to get any (since she didn't drive).  I, of course, helped her out with the money and a ride and then when I moved to a new place in Brighton at the end of the summer, I never looked back.  Some people just have their priorities too messed up for me to deal with constructively...

Doug and Molly Kennedy getting married in Nantucket

 (and not a hungry baby in sight...)

So sometimes I worry about becoming these kind of mothers.  Not that I think I am now, but I don't ever want to ever be.  So detached or otherwise consumed not even by work, but obsessed with what I consider nonsense (social climbing, your appearance, etc), as to forget that children are more than an accessory to some kind of greeting card life.  Anyone else ever feel like this?

And having been a beloved nanny, it sets the bar really high for what I'd look for in someone for our family.  Oh and there's the whole "I might be a little over-protective because I can't successfully conceive, carry, or birth my children without extreme measures and them nearly dying."  Oh yeah, there might be that...

We've been through a lot together, the kids and me, that I'm having a hard time bringing an outside person into our little circle as much as I know I need to.  I know I need to work (even more) on this, and I know they are only two, but I've given up most of my life (willingly) for them, and I think I want/need to try to reclaim a bit more of it.  Finally.  

But that means giving up some of the control that I lost in those three years waiting for them, that I've been reclaiming the last three in my complete undivided devotion to them.  But the reality is, I don't know if they need me to be there as much I need/ed them to be.  Know what I mean?  Any tips on getting past the dread of dealing with help?  I met a mom of triplets (plus one) recently who I could relate to when she said she skipped help so she wouldn't have another person to look after.

We've booked our Cape vacation and in looking for houses to rent, found that my friend (Australian au pair) Annette's cottage, well actually Lori's friend Julie's rented place, around the corner from her is for rent.  Ah, the cape life...

HP/1996

On why we are done...

Given what we've been through the last several years, you might think that it would be a no brainer that our family is complete, and honestly when you are have boy/girl twins you don't get asked this a lot, but of course everyone has their own opinions when it comes to these things...

Ironically, my mother tried to talk me into getting my tubes tied with my C-section, which I declined since we had zero born/healthy children at the time (and I was all too aware that her idea had less to do with me than with my yet again (at the time) pg sister, who has since gotten "fixed").  But my OB, who even after seeing our last pregnancy, doesn't think we are done, for whatever reason.  I'd like to think it is because we are great parents, but I'm sure we look like walking dollars signs to her.  And of course by choosing to have a public blog where you talk about your life and decisions, I am well aware that it opens it to the world. 

I've recently been asked if we are planning to have more kids and we are both very comfortable with the answer being, "thanks, but no thanks".

I love kids generally, as does DH, which is why I spent most of my formative years caring for other peoples' and one of the many reasons I married him.  Though we also feel like we don't have to have them all ourselves.  And of course, we couldn't possibly be more crazy about ours, and I know that many people make these decisions based on purely emotional rather than even remotely pragmatic factors.   I don't understand it, but that is all well and good as long as they are not pure fantasy and you prepared and willing to deal with the realities of the children you choose to bear and that you never really know how it will all go down.  For us, they are one and the same.  Call me too worried about worst case scenario, which could be renamed "what usually happens to me", I call it being conservative and responsible.  Also, I'm not actually looking for more stuff to complain about...

In case you are interested in some insight into our reasoning:

-We both agreed many years ago (i.e. long before we got married) that ideally we would like to have two kids, though DH jokes that "three is the new two" (and four and five, in some cases).  Though when we had to do IVF to get pg and opted for ICSI, we knew splits were much more likely, so we had to wrap our heads around the idea that there was an increased chance we could end up with even more than we transferred.  And after our harrowing journey to conceive and carry, we'd actually come to terms with just having one biological child (and then likely adopting another from India, which is an option to NRIs (non-resident Indians) like DH).  There are a lot of reasons why two, but it seemed like a good number to both of us.

More reasons:

-After nearly three years lost to TTC, I am AMA now.  While this is a somewhat arbitrary milestone, especially when you are using ART (bypassing some of the random chance involved in getting pg), it is what it is (where the lines of increasing birth defects and decreasing natural fertility typically cross).  I also believe in the medical recommendation to space pregnancies by at least 18 months for the best health of the mother and baby (and this assumes singletons), not to mention meeting their needs.  I'm nearly 37 and would be pushing 38 by the end of another pregnancy.

-We have never been able to get pg on our own and while we know it could certainly be possible (don't forget the BC fellow infertiles...), given what we know now about our dx, we certainly would not put a lot of weight on having a spontaneous (and more importantly successful) pregnancy without much assistance again, as quaint as that concept is to us now. 

So we'd likely need to use ART to conceive again (we've transferred all four of our embryos), and unless one of us gets a new job w/coverage, since we have used every last penny of our infertility insurance coverage, we would be OOP like we have been since our first IVF cycle in 2010.  While in reality cycling is much less expensive than actually having children, now we'd actually be taking from our existing children's future in an attempt to conceive again.  $20K now is $100K in 20 years...  Not cool IMO.

-While we're eternally grateful for our twins, and that they have each other, I would never transfer two again, though this makes each IVF cycle "more efficient".  I would also not advise anyone else to do so given the risks involved, in case you are wondering.  It has become so commonplace to do so the risks just get glossed over, and don't get me started on >2, though it is good to see that SET are becoming the new recommendation.  Humans are not designed to have litters of healthy children, there is a reason it very rarely happens naturally.  I'm certainly glad for people who beat the odds, which we barely did, but I know way too many who've had to bury their children or deal with a life of chronic health problems to think it's a good idea to prioritize embryos over healthy live babies.  I also know WAY too many people who wanted "just one more" and got two or three or more.  So be careful what you wish for, it is called too much of a good thing.

-While I'd somewhat reluctantly come to terms with the real/possible risks from cycling repeatedly to have a family at all, since we first decided to do IVF, I now have a 1st degree relative (my eldest sister) who has been treated for an aggressive reproductive cancer and IMO more cycling would be unwise, again because we have children for whom we are now responsible. 

-Given the complications of our twin pregnancy and the state of my cervix, I would have issues with another pregnancy, potentially requiring bed rest, and God only knows what else, and definitely requiring another cerc (this time, preventative @ 14w).  (Again) Our priority is to provide appropriate care for the kids we already have.  In an alternate life where I thought I needed to have another child, I would likely use a GC.

-Our shared general philosophy on child rearing is that it's best when not done en masse.  More kids = fewer resources (time, energy, money, etc.) for each and all.  Our top family priorities include meeting our kids' individual health/emotional/education needs and offering them valuable and varied travel/life experiences, while not sacrificing our own retirement and individual goals.

DH has one brother and I am one of four (five w/my step-sister, though she has trust funds) and I'll let you guess who had the better childhood.  I know this is not true for everyone, though I find it interesting how many people I know from large families who opt to have smaller ones based on their experiences, especially those down the line, though I know several people who feel like they already raised kids (i.e. their younger siblings) because their parents made poor choices and opt out completely.  Sad.

Obviously one's family and financial situation has some bearing on the equation, and we are able to offer much more stability than my family was when I was growing up, but from our observations no one really benefits when you have more children than you can physically, mentally, or financially afford to care for (or more than both partners want) and educate properly (be they special needs or high potential, as in my family).  Fortunately, as planned, we are each in a position where we could care for and afford our two kids on our own, if heaven forbid something were to happen to one of us. I learned a great deal, the hard way, from my parents mistakes. Getting married too young, making crapping decisions, having a bunch of kids (and more than one spouse wanted), and having no means of supporting them by yourself when it all heads south is probably not a great master plan.

-I will likely return to work, and we've been through unsuccessfully juggling cycling/pregnancy and working before (but before also having children) and are not keen on doing it again.

-After over three years of waiting, and many more in preparation, we are just ready to move on with and enjoy our lives as a family.

-Even if we did think we wanted more children, based on the above and the reality that our responsibility now lies with the children we have, I'd hope we'd have enough sense to count our blessings and move on...

How did you decide what was the "right" size of your family?  Has it changed over time?

From supernanny to superpatient to supermom...

This time of year always reminds me of school and work, which for me have always been synonymous, until this year of course. I started working as a babysitter (gulp) 23 years ago, as soon as I turned 12, and it was a significant source of income for me for many years, helping me pay for travel in high school and work my way through college. It has been so long, in fact, that some of my former charges now have kids of their own. I started my first "real" job four years later, working at a local apple orchard in their retail store w/my sister E for three fall seasons, which I'm also always reminded of this time of year.

I remember being so excited to start babysitting as soon as my mother would let me. First for neighbors, then co-workers of my parents (half the drs. in town), teachers, and referrals (including the couple who owned our local athletic club, setting me up for a summer getting buff and working in their day care). I literally worked for dozens of families before I got out of high school. I've always loved kids and it was undoubtedly great experience for someday becoming a mother myself, and also for experiencing first hand how other households were run. I ended up continuing in college, almost by accident, when it came time to decide what to do for the summer. When I decided I wasn't going to NYC to intern on Wall Street, I lived in during the three summers w/two families in Hyannisport and also worked weekends during the school year for the same Boston area families. Exactly a decade after I started, I "retired". Had I been more entrepreneurial at the time, I would have started a business, like fellow babysitter extraordinaire/college classmate Genevieve Thiers, a fellow Chicagoan who founded sittercity.com. She's quite a dynamo, and is now ironically expecting twins herself.

So now for over a decade, after as long immersed in all things kids, I've been shaping my adult life and grinding in the corporate world in preparation for when I would finally become a mother myself. Sadly, the last three years we have also been immersed in the world of infertility medicine, but we are obviously thrilled to finally be planning in real terms for our kids/family to come this fall. Like most women, I always considered staying at home, but I don't ever think I ever really thought I would. IF (and now bed rest) definitely ended up forcing my hand, which like when I got sick w/mono at the end of that last summer in college, forced me to cull the unnecessary out of my life. Though I couldn't be more thrilled to be solely focused on our family, for now anyway.

Though the more I think about SAH long term, the more I think that I will end up going back to work at some point, either for myself or back in the corporate world. While it is certainly an honorable vocation, it seems many SAH either because that's all they've ever wanted or been able to do and/or because paying for care for their children is just more than they would make in the workforce, making it less of a choice. From my experience, I think it is really important for children to have positive interaction and myriad role models outside of the family, thus making room for mom to have other interests.  And obviously the resources that are brought to bear by working, provide their children opportunities that those living more simply to SAH are not privy to.

So after all this time, it is so wild to think that in ten or so short weeks, I will have my very own kiddos. :)