3dp5dt

Even though time is still crawling, I love a 5dt for its relative speed.  The two week wait becomes more like a one week wait.  I can't decide when I will start testing, as my faux trigger hCG is gone.  I've been feeling nothing in the ute (I had lots of lightning last time), but I am still feeling uncomfortable from the trauma of the transfer/drain. 

1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
3dpt.. Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
5dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret hCG in the blood
7dpt...More hCG is produced as fetus develops
8dpt...More hCG is produced as fetus develops
9dpt...hCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT (beta)

Waitie Katie no more!

Engagement photos (and this one from their wedding program) by Mario Testino

After waiting nearly a decade to marry, I can only hope that they won't have to wait years to have babies. ;)

She is a huge glass of water for the Royal Family and besides my obvious affinity with our shared names (not Middleton or Windsor), I'm a fan.

I love her sense of style and how she conducts herself.  Simple, classic, perfect.  I am dying to see her dress. (Lace!  I totally called it!)  Best wishes Kate and Wills!

All aboard!

Our embies are finally out of the freezer and where they belong.  My RE explained that the top one had bounced back and expanded already after the thaw and the one at the bottom was still compacted.  I'm not sure exactly what this means for them, but he didn't seem concerned.  I apparently still don't have the full bladder thing down yet.  I drank a lot of water, but I had also eaten since our transfer was mid-day, so it took a few extra minutes while I drank some more and we waited for my kidneys to do their thing.  They ended up cooperating.

The only other hiccup was after the transfer, the nurse asked me if I wanted to empty my bladder and I said yes.  She promptly assaulted me with a catheter, which was horrific going in, during the emptying, and then again coming out.  Then she instructed me to keep pushing liquids to help keep a UTI at bay, since they couldn't use betadyne or give me anything.  Won't make that mistake again, I would have rather wet my pants.  Chilling out on bedrest for the rest of the day.  Beta is next Friday, May 6th. :)

FET week!

I can not believe that we are finally here, just two days to transfer.  It's been a crazy long four months.  And it is difficult for me to express the mixture of emotions that I have right now.  Excitement - that it is finally here.  Gratitude - that we have our two embryos.  Sadness - that we are not still pg from last year and celebrating 25 weeks.  Anxiety - that we will not get pg again or heaven forbid miscarry again.  Fatigue - with this whole process.  Etc., etc...

We had a great Easter.  It was a tough week with all the travel, getting sick and my grandfather's funeral.  But we went to church yesterday, then had an amazing brunch, and spent a quiet evening at home.  As DH put it... Pray, Eat, Love.  ;)  It was wild to think that this time next year, if we are lucky, we could have a baby(-ies) and our families in tow as we celebrate Easter/Spring/their baptism. 

Time seems to have taken on a strange pacing, as we've been at this for so long, but now we are focused on this being our time to really/finally make things happen.  I'm hoping it doesn't actually turn into the "summer of IVF" having to cycle repeatedly, but we are ready for it if that is what it takes.  On that note, even though I had decided not to work full-time right now, I am entertaining a phone interview with GE Healthcare this afternoon.  They are nearby and offer IF benefits.  We shall see...

Wet and gloomy Earth Day

I am still so worn down from being sick, and this weather is not helping, that I'm not getting nearly as much done as I thought I would be being home just yet.  I went and got a massage and haircut this morning, which were very relaxing.  To kick-off National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), we are going into the city tomorrow to attend the "Fashion for Fertility" lunch at The Four Seasons to benefit Resolve.  We are both looking forward to it, especially since our plans to go out last weekend got cancelled due to having to work and finish our taxes.  Boo.

For those of you who don't already know all the minutia of our long TTC journey...

Infertility A - Z


A - Age at Which you Started TTC: newly 32, after our 2nd anniversary

B - Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex

C - Children Wanted: two, but we may end up w/one, we'll see...

D - Dogs/Cats/Fill In Babies: None, DH is allergic

E - Essential Oils/Vitamins: I take: Pre-Natal Vitamin, Vit D, Omega 3 & 6 fish oil, cranberry extract

F - Fertility Meds I've Taken: Clomid, Ovidrel, BCP, Follistim, hCG trigger, Crinone, Lupron, Gonal-F, Progestrone in Oil, estrogen patches, Prometrium, Premarin, and medrol, tetracycline, baby asprin and others I'm sure I'm forgetting.

G - Gain, What I have Gained from Infertility: Perspective, loss of interest in the unimportant and insignificant

H - HSG: I had one two years ago this month, when we first went to the RE and another after my m/c.

I - Infertile Pet Peeve: That insurance coverage is not universal and that for most people treatment decisions are often made based on cost.  I can think of no other medical condition that is treated this way.

J - Job Title: until I quit last week: Marketing Director, now: some would say unemployed, but I'm starting a consulting business.

K - Kids Names you are Afraid will be Taken:  I stopped caring about stuff like this long ago, plus I'm not really into trendy names anyway.

L - Length of Time TTC - 2 1/2 very long years

M - Miscarriages: One - our little Neela on 12/30/10 at 8 1/2 weeks

N - Number of Times you have Swiched REs: I'm on #5 at clinic #4...

O - Ovarian Quality: Good, as far as we can tell.  I like to say they are compliant, but not overly enthusiastic.  I O on my own as far as we know.

P - POAS or Wait for AF: POAS if we are cycling, otherwise I'm super regular.

Q - Quote from an Obnoxious Fertile: So many, it's hard to pick just one.  The most hurtful have come from close family and friends, though eventually I'm able to shrug them off as ignorance.

S - Sperm: Not spectacular, but not horrible either. Varies by SA, but thankfully there are plenty of them

T - Time you Tried Naturally - 6 mos. until first RE visit, then after surgery #1 (for a polyp), we TTC on our own until the one year mark.  Then again between cycles/surgeries whenever we were allowed to per RE.

U - Uterus Quality: I had a huge septum that took up most of my uterine cavity, but after two surgeries to remove it, it is now only 7mm and deemed to be a non-issue.

V - Vagina: yes ;)

W - What Baby Stuff do you Already Have: too much for someone with an empty womb, but not enough for someone who should have two in tow by now.

X - Xtra, Xtra, Hear all about it! How many people know about your TTC Journey:  immediate and some extended family, close friends/co-workers.

Y - Yearly Exam:  Of course.  I've been seeing the same gyne for over ten years, but sadly she no longer delivers babies, so I have a new one lined up.

Z - Zits: Hardly ever.  I put in my time as a teenager apparently.

The home stretch

It's been a wild few days...  The Vegas project went well, but was completely exhausting.  Between the travel to the desert (which never agrees w/me), time change, really long days, and meetings through almost every scheduled meal, I (of course) got sick for the first time in a long time.  My home bound flight was delayed, so we barely made it to the funeral up in WI yesterday on time.  But we did make it and now we are finally home and I am recovering.

I went in for my last pre-FET b/w appt. this morning and no news is good news.  It was just a P4 check, and it only needs to be <2.  I had my last Swedish acu appt. today, which was very relaxing.  I finished up my Lupron last night and do my hCG trigger, start PIO, and go down to two E2 patches tonight.  Then tomorrow I start Medrol and Tetracycline.  I've scheduled my pre- and post-transfer acu appts. for next week.

Only six more days to go!

Losing Louie

We sadly lost my grandpa Louie last night rather suddenly.  My mom had called me in the afternoon to tell me that he'd taken a sudden turn.  He was having signs of internal bleeding and his blood pressure had dropped way too low.  My step-father (his eldest son and like my mom, a nurse) was able to get to his side, but didn't think he'd be able to pull through like he'd done in the past.  And then by evening, he was gone. 

He'd been declining for some time, so I guess we can take some comfort in knowing that he wasn't suffering for long and was made comfortable and had his wife, sister, pastor, and his four dear sons nearby.  I'm so glad that I was able to visit with him and see him for what I didn't imagine would be the last time, just a few weeks ago, when I was up for my cousin's bridal shower.  He seemed like he was doing quite well then.  He was frail, but he recognized me right away, was very chatty and played cards with the guys while the ladies "showered".

I leave for Vegas in a few hours and am scheduled to return on the Wednesday red eye.  It looks like the funeral will likely be Wednesday morning, so we'll be leaving right from O'Hare to head to WI.  S will be a pallbearer, along with the other eldest grandsons and husband's of eldest granddaughters.  We will miss the visitation on Tuesday, but there is a viewing on Wednesday morning as well.

I understand there is nothing upside down in the universe when a man passes who has lived so fully all of his 80 plus years, leaving a wonderful family of four boys (and their wives), twelve grandchildren, and five great grandchildren. But he was the father (and the father of the man) who taught me how fathers should be.  Much like my late father-in-law as well.  Men who were good and honest and true, and embraced the responsibilities and joys of fatherhood, and lived for the simple love of their families.  Another beloved soul who will never share in the joy of our future children, and someone they would have been truly blessed to have in their lives.  A greater charge to us to live in their ways so that their love and the honor with which they lived will live on in the family we are working so very hard to build.

Amidst all the tears, I thank God again that he and the family that he and my grandmother created were linked (and enthusiastically embraced) with mine over 25 years ago in a unlikely pairing of my bachelor step-father and my young divorcee mother, who came with us four girls.

We love you Grandpa and we miss and love you dearly.

T minus 12 days to FET

Well it looks like we are on track for our transfer on the 27th.  I am so excited!  My lining check this morning was great, it was 10.4 which is really good especially since we still have so much time left to go.  The wonderful ladies at AF (who are also really excited) went out of their way to look up and tell me our two embryos were frozen at 4AB and 3AB.  For the in depth description, from AF's site, on what all this grading means, click here. 

The Gardner blastocyst grading system assigns 3 separate quality scores to each blastocyst embryo:
1.Blastocyst development stage - expansion and hatching status
2.Inner cell mass (ICM) score, or quality
3.Trophectoderm (TE) score, or quality

Expansion grade Blastocyst development and stage status
1 Blastocoel cavity less than half the volume of the embryo
2 Blastocoel cavity more than half the volume of the embryo
3 Full blastocyst, cavity completely filling the embryo
4 Expanded blastocyst, cavity larger than the embryo, with thinning of the shell
5 Hatching out of the shell
6 Hatched out of the shell

ICM grade Inner cell mass quality:
A Many cells, tightly packed
B Several cells, loosely grouped
C Very few cells

TE grade Trophectoderm quality:
A Many cells, forming a cohesive layer
B Few cells, forming a loose epithelium
C Very few large cells

Example of a 4AB blastocyst...

Those eggs/embryos are just about ready to hatch, almost in time for Easter. ;)

I have to stay on the Lupron through Wednesday and continue with the patches, tapering them down to two beginning next week.  I will switch out the Lupron for my PIO shots and hCG trigger next Thursday.  I have acu next Thursday again and am working on my pre and post ET acu scheduling.

Last day of work!

And it couldn't come soon enough!  I am so tired, and I don't really know why.  I've been sleeping better lately than I have in a long time, though it was awfully hard to get up this morning.  I am so ready to get off these meds.

My CMO, who's been spending most of his time working in Brazil lately so I haven't seen much of him, took the time to stop by yesterday to say goodbye and wish me luck.  I haven't told anyone but my boss (and a few co-workers) about what we have and are going through, but he did ask if it was okay to tell people up the chain why I was going on leave last year, so my CMO knows.  He was very nice and wanted to know what I was doing next (if I was going to work) and to let me know that I was welcome to come back if I wanted (not likely) or that he'd be happy to give me a recommendation if I needed one in the future.  It made me feel really good that all my efforts here over the last year and a half haven't gone completely unnoticed and that I'm leaving on decent terms.

Now if I could just take a nap...

It's finally Spring!

Though it feels like we skipped right to summer.  What a glorious weekend it was here!  It was in the 60's on Saturday and well into the 80's yesterday, the warmest weather of the year so far.  Amazing!  I had an big burst of energy, so I got a lot done.  It was a good weekend to have all the windows (and doors) open so I did some spring cleaning and finally got to some painting (our second living room end table, the trim in the powder room and guest bath, and the back door).

This Wednesday is my last day at work.  It is a little weird.  It's the first time I've quit my job without another FT one lined up in almost ten years.  But we've got a ton going on, so it's not like I'll be sitting around.  I leave this Sunday for the Vegas project.

The last two weeks I've been to the acupuncturist, she's been doing the "Swedish Protocol" on me.  Unlike the last year and half when I've laid on my back and she's put needles in my head/face, stomach, arms/hands, legs/feet, she's put me on my stomach and used just a few in my upper (for anxiety) and lower (for my ute) back, to which she attached the little charger so I felt/looked like a middle school science project.  This is supposed to be pumping up my lining, and I believe that it is because I can actually feel my ute twitching during and after.  Totally bizarre.  I'm going again on Thursday to get in another session before my lining check on Friday morning.  Though this has never been an issue for me before, we aren't leaving anything that would potentially delay our transfer to chance.

If all is good this Friday, then I just have a P4 check a week from Thursday, and the transfer on the 27th.

Since there are so many things that could go wrong with this cycle, I'm starting to look into where we would want to cycle again if for any reason this FET doesn't work out.  I don't know anything about our embies, so we've probably got a roughly 50/50 shot. Our intention is to keep cycling until either we get a take home baby or we decide we just can't do it anymore. It should be an interesting summer... ;)

Documenting silence @ the mid-point of FET

Not much going on here, but I'm going to make a bold statement.  FETs suck worse than a fresh IVF cycle.  I am four weeks in and I'm longing for the structure and relative speed of suppress, stim, retrieve.  I've done two weeks of BCP and two more of Lupron and will continue Lupron until at least my lining check, which is next Friday.  I've gone through my first two rounds of patches.  Your body is not able to stay on it's normal cycle w/an FET, so my s/e are weird.  I am finally not spotting now for the first time since I started a month ago.  It will be another month before I know if it worked, then best case cue 2+ months of anxiety. 

I have to figure out where I'm going to put four estrogen patches on my belly tonight.  I've obviously never wanted to be heavy, but it would come in handy right about now.  I've tried them higher up and on my back hip before, but they don't last anywhere that bends.  I've wasted one already by putting it too high this week.  That leaves the space below my waist and between my pelvic bones, oh and ideally not where the last two were or where the next four will be.  And then I have to find somewhere in there to keep doing my Lupron shots.  This should be interesting.

I would otherwise be getting AF soon (and have the cramps to remind me), but since I've started the patches I'm having discharge like I'm ovulating.  My body is wondering what the hell is going on.

I'm in my last few days at work and besides the occasional silent freak out, I am happily riding things out.  Plans are coming together for the Vegas consulting project and I think I'm going to take at least a few weeks off after.  We close on the refi on Saturday and we are finally getting our taxes finalized, so this money is flowing out the door...

A headboard quest

We've had our king bed for over a year now. My how times flies. We love it and are not sure how we managed before.

Here's a super quick pic of what it looks like now.  Links to my recent art project and the pillow quest. Other pillows from Hastens and Fabindia, other bedding from BB&B...

It seems like I've been looking for a headboard for ages. I think there might be an unwritten rule that if you have a blog and a bed, you must attempt to make a DIY upholstered headboard, but somehow I just can't get myself psyched up to do this. We just always seem to have too much going on to spend our weekends on projects like this. So I'm on the hunt for something that doesn't cost an arm and a leg... And now I'm thinking I'd like something that will come to the house, for free...

One possibility... (I love this fabric)
Turkestan Twilight headboard

Since I finally found a new light for the dining room @ Lowe's, I still have my CSN giveaway I won last year. Somehow I've managed not to spend it yet. Not for lack of trying, there is just way too much stuff on that site.

So from CSN stores...

Another option... (and the current front runner)
Skyline Nailhead border in Velvet Pearl


I liked this one too, but given our sloped ceiling and unless we nix the pics above the bed or adjust it really low, it won't really work.

I also looked at this one, but I don't think I like it as well as the one with the nailhead border.  I have a bit of an addiction...

As DH says, once I get a bee in my bonnet about something there is really no stopping me, so I will finally be making a decision soon. What do you think?

"The Guest House" by Rumi

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi ~

FET baseline

I went in this morning for my FET baselines (u/s and b/w) after the longest gap in visits (6 wks) in many months, and they went and redecorated the clinic.  It looks great!  I noticed some new furniture in the waiting room, but then all the exam rooms have new paint and wallpaper (in a lovely soothing slate blue, one of my all time fave colors) and art.  Good work AF! 

Speaking of the other AF, I'm tiring of her.  She came three weeks ago (which started our FET prep), but then I spotted for the whole two weeks I was on BCP.  Then after the BCP were done, she came again (as she was supposed to).  But I'm ready to be done with her, as this is a little too much like my post-m/c never ending bleeding for me.

They said the u/s looked good and the b/w too.  I start E2 patches today and get to lower my Lupron to 5. :)  I go back again in two weeks...

After the last several weekends out of town, I go back to acu tomorrow.  Can't wait!  I always feel so great after I see her, and I'm needing that right now, badly.  Haven't decided yet whether I'm getting up and out early enough tomorrow morning to go my support group, which now meets in the city.  It's somehow been three months since I've been, so we'll see.  I'm already sleeping a little better after my big work event and giving notice this week.  Onward and upward!