I got a surge OPK this morning (CD14), and you know what that means?!
IVF #1 is on!
I start Lupron (10 units) and my baby aspirin next Saturday, the 23rd. I can hardly believe it after all the waiting and doctors and tests and surgery and disease and death and misery since we decided on this next step, just a few months ago.
It's been a rough week as I was traveling for work and over those three days I learned that two of my oldest and dearest friends (the three of us were roommates) are both expecting their first. I'm very happy for them both. It's a long story that I won't go into now, but against my own edict and better angels I allowed their timing and complaining to get to me.
I went back to Pulling Down the Moon last night for the first time since my failed cycle in May. Getting back into my acupuncture and yoga practice this weekend after way too much chaos over the last few months. Can't wait!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
John Lennon quotes
Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
The more I see the less I know for sure.
You're just left with yourself all the time, whatever you do anyway. You've got to get down to your own God in your own temple. It's all down to you, mate.
When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream.
A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.
All you need is love.
The more I see the less I know for sure.
You're just left with yourself all the time, whatever you do anyway. You've got to get down to your own God in your own temple. It's all down to you, mate.
When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream.
A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.
All you need is love.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Embracing our burden
It's been busy around here lately; trying to get settled back in, get well, get caught up at home, work and school (I should be doing homework right now), and get my head back in the game. I've recently decided that I'm going to embrace our burden. Let me explain.
I've spent countless hours seriously contemplating and recontemplating my life goals, my marriage, my career, my desire to become a parent, everything. This is what IF does to you and you know what? It's not a wholly terrible thing. You know what they say about the unexamined life. And where I've come out on the other side is that I am right where I'm supposed to be right now. It sure feels like purgatory, but you know I wouldn't change places with any of my sisters.
Not the one with a million friends who's facing down cancer, not the beautiful one with three kids under four, not the rich one who can live in NYC and work part time as a restaurant reviewer, and not the brilliant one who even with her MS degree is having trouble finding a job in her field.
We have good jobs, a good marriage, good friends, and a nice home. Like my uncle recently said when he was visiting, "(we) are living the American dream". I thought more like the American nightmare. But this too shall pass. We will have the family we were meant to have. Obviously not on our timeline, maybe not even with our blood lines, but someday someone will call us Mom and Dad. And that will be enough.
I've spent countless hours seriously contemplating and recontemplating my life goals, my marriage, my career, my desire to become a parent, everything. This is what IF does to you and you know what? It's not a wholly terrible thing. You know what they say about the unexamined life. And where I've come out on the other side is that I am right where I'm supposed to be right now. It sure feels like purgatory, but you know I wouldn't change places with any of my sisters.
Not the one with a million friends who's facing down cancer, not the beautiful one with three kids under four, not the rich one who can live in NYC and work part time as a restaurant reviewer, and not the brilliant one who even with her MS degree is having trouble finding a job in her field.
We have good jobs, a good marriage, good friends, and a nice home. Like my uncle recently said when he was visiting, "(we) are living the American dream". I thought more like the American nightmare. But this too shall pass. We will have the family we were meant to have. Obviously not on our timeline, maybe not even with our blood lines, but someday someone will call us Mom and Dad. And that will be enough.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
What I'm (re-)reading now
I first read The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri just before I met S. I think we talked about it on our first date. We went to see it in the theater when it came out as a movie, and now it's on HBO all.the.time and we always stop to watch it. It's really good.
And now it was like a guidebook for me on what happens when a Hindu man dies suddenly and his eldest son is left to fulfil his role. I highly recommend the book (and all her others) and the movie, which was directed by Mira Nair (Monsoon Wedding) and stars Kal Penn (of Harold and Kumar fame). And extra points if you recognize his girlfriend Maxine, Jacinda Barrett, from The Real World London.
The Year of Magical Thinking is a memoir by renowned writer Joan Didion as she recounts the awful year when she suddenly lost her husband (renowned writer John Dunne, brother of Dominick) and then later her only child, an adult daughter who tragically succumbs to several illnesses she contracted on her honeymoon. Profoundly felt and expertly written.
And in other book news, my college roommate Michelle's new book, This Won't Hurt a Bit, is now available for pre-order on Amazon.
Friday, October 1, 2010
No miracle
I know it's been complete downersville around here lately, and I'm quite tired of writing about sad things. All the more reason we'd been hoping (way beyond reason) that this month could possibly bring us some positive news in the way of miracle pre-IVF/post-lap/septum removal/unexpected break BFP. But alas no dice, it wasn't in the cards for us.
It was longest cycle I've had in the two years I've been keeping track, five entire weeks instead of the usual four. So even though I didn't know exactly when I O'd (I ran out of the OPK I was using for IVF the day I left for India), I knew it was really late, very well because of the emotional trauma (also the likely cause of wads of my hair falling out :( ). We figured the only possible consolation for having lost S's dad so unexpectedly (on Grandparent's day, no less) in the middle of all of this, would be for us to come home to some good news and not have to do IVF after all. I know it's crazy given our lack of any success the last two years, but like I said, sometimes you throw reason out the window. Nothing really makes any sense anymore anyway.
So we are trying to put things back together as best we can. We can't get dad back or the anticipation we had going into September or even really the optimism we had going into our cycle. I was resigned to the fact that my main birthday present this year would be a big $2,500 OOP box of IVF drugs and the day was scheduled to bring AF and the beginning of stims. Instead it was the final day of the 13-day long funeral in India. We were supposed to start Lupron around our 4th wedding anniversary, but instead I was alone on a plane (and then a train) to meet my husband on the other side of the world. It's all still just so surreal.
So now that AF is finally here, I'll get a new IVF calendar.
My estimates based on the old schedule:
Begin OPK: 10/13
Ovulation: 10/17 (then begin Lupron)
AF: 10/30
Begin Gonal-F stims: ~Halloween
ER: wk of 11/7
ET: 5dt
Beta: wk of 11/21 (S's 35th b-day is 11/22) for an early August 2011 EDD, so very likely my last chance to have a baby before I myself turn 35 and am officially AMA.
So now I have to decide if I'm going to take leave. I finally looked up the personal leave policy at work and big surprise, HR are a bunch of idiots. I don't have to use all my PTO in order to take unpaid leave as they have a 5-day reserve they require you to keep (for when you return, or for me to roll over) and you don't have to use PTO you've purchased (my other week). Two weeks is exactly what I have left. I took a week of PTO for India and the other I was able to take as bereavement leave. After all we've been through and the horror stories about Lupron et al make me think that it would be a good idea. But it's a lot of money that we could use for future cycles or to help me retire ASAP...
It was longest cycle I've had in the two years I've been keeping track, five entire weeks instead of the usual four. So even though I didn't know exactly when I O'd (I ran out of the OPK I was using for IVF the day I left for India), I knew it was really late, very well because of the emotional trauma (also the likely cause of wads of my hair falling out :( ). We figured the only possible consolation for having lost S's dad so unexpectedly (on Grandparent's day, no less) in the middle of all of this, would be for us to come home to some good news and not have to do IVF after all. I know it's crazy given our lack of any success the last two years, but like I said, sometimes you throw reason out the window. Nothing really makes any sense anymore anyway.
So we are trying to put things back together as best we can. We can't get dad back or the anticipation we had going into September or even really the optimism we had going into our cycle. I was resigned to the fact that my main birthday present this year would be a big $2,500 OOP box of IVF drugs and the day was scheduled to bring AF and the beginning of stims. Instead it was the final day of the 13-day long funeral in India. We were supposed to start Lupron around our 4th wedding anniversary, but instead I was alone on a plane (and then a train) to meet my husband on the other side of the world. It's all still just so surreal.
So now that AF is finally here, I'll get a new IVF calendar.
My estimates based on the old schedule:
Begin OPK: 10/13
Ovulation: 10/17 (then begin Lupron)
AF: 10/30
Begin Gonal-F stims: ~Halloween
ER: wk of 11/7
ET: 5dt
Beta: wk of 11/21 (S's 35th b-day is 11/22) for an early August 2011 EDD, so very likely my last chance to have a baby before I myself turn 35 and am officially AMA.
So now I have to decide if I'm going to take leave. I finally looked up the personal leave policy at work and big surprise, HR are a bunch of idiots. I don't have to use all my PTO in order to take unpaid leave as they have a 5-day reserve they require you to keep (for when you return, or for me to roll over) and you don't have to use PTO you've purchased (my other week). Two weeks is exactly what I have left. I took a week of PTO for India and the other I was able to take as bereavement leave. After all we've been through and the horror stories about Lupron et al make me think that it would be a good idea. But it's a lot of money that we could use for future cycles or to help me retire ASAP...
Thursday, September 30, 2010
These kids
are the light in our lives right now. And we get to see them all again this weekend! And my mom and three sisters as they come through to take my grandma K to visit home in Ohio for the last time.
Some pics from our Labor Day trip home...
Ben rides the mini-train at Carson Park with aunt Katie
Nat and her ice cream
Baby ice (that's what Ben calls him) Isaiah thinks he's supposed to be walking at 7 mos. (he's just trying to keep up with his big bro and sis)
Some pics from our Labor Day trip home...
Ben rides the mini-train at Carson Park with aunt Katie
Nat and her ice cream
Baby ice (that's what Ben calls him) Isaiah thinks he's supposed to be walking at 7 mos. (he's just trying to keep up with his big bro and sis)
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
And the hits keep coming...
I've been thinking about putting together a post on India, which I may still do. But I've little time to look backwards given the rate at which things are happening to us right now. S returned home tonight from 20 hours on a plane while I was at class and he's already at urgent care. In addition to his traveler's diarrhea (which thankfully I got antibiotics for, which I used to kick mine), he also has some viral/flu infection (though we've already had our flu shots) and pink eye. The poor guy. And he has to drive 3 1/2 hours each way to and from Iowa tomorrow for work.
I talked to my mom tonight before class, and she let me know that my eldest sister Sara, who is cognitively disabled and lives with her, was found to have fallopian tube cancer (which is extremely rare) when they did her recent hysterectomy. She is only 40, but as she won't be having children and was having lots of pain, the Dr. thought it was time. She will have to have many more tests, and another (this time open rather than lap) surgery. But we are all just hoping that she doesn't need chemo. I can't imagine. My mom waited to tell me because of FIL's sudden death and our trip.
So if I'm supposed to not focus on not being able to have a child, having a sibling diagnosed with a serious disease, losing a parent, and having two terminal grandparents is certainly one way to put things in perspective and at the same time make you question how so many bad things could all happen at once.
I talked to my mom tonight before class, and she let me know that my eldest sister Sara, who is cognitively disabled and lives with her, was found to have fallopian tube cancer (which is extremely rare) when they did her recent hysterectomy. She is only 40, but as she won't be having children and was having lots of pain, the Dr. thought it was time. She will have to have many more tests, and another (this time open rather than lap) surgery. But we are all just hoping that she doesn't need chemo. I can't imagine. My mom waited to tell me because of FIL's sudden death and our trip.
So if I'm supposed to not focus on not being able to have a child, having a sibling diagnosed with a serious disease, losing a parent, and having two terminal grandparents is certainly one way to put things in perspective and at the same time make you question how so many bad things could all happen at once.
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