Tuesday, January 11, 2011
A perfect baby girl...
I had a feeling the baby was a girl and just found out she had 46 perfect chromosomes. I can't begin to describe how sad this makes me.
News coming soon
I finally e-mailed the nurse who has been assigned to me for the last two weeks today to see if she had heard anything on the m/c testing results or thought maybe it wasn't going to happen (which I was told was always a possibility). She e-mailed me back right away that the result would (finally!) be in today and that after Dr. S reviewed them they would call me by 4. So of course I'm dying over here now. The last few weeks have been so surreal and now we are actually going to get some "answers" or maybe rather "non-answers" (as in nothing was wrong). Obviously, it doesn't really make a difference for what has already happened, but it could of course for what we hope has yet to and will again soon. I really hope it's not bad news. I'm so tired of everything getting worse, rather than better. We really could use a break.
I really want to be able stop counting, but I would have been 10 weeks today. We were supposed to go in for our 1st OB appt. this morning. I called them and cancelled on NYE and told them that we hoped to be in soon...
I really want to be able stop counting, but I would have been 10 weeks today. We were supposed to go in for our 1st OB appt. this morning. I called them and cancelled on NYE and told them that we hoped to be in soon...
Monday, January 10, 2011
Back together
Well, my DH is finally back home... He came in last night and it was wonderful to see him after his 2 1/2 weeks away. The last ten days I've been just wishing away, due to his absence and having to deal with the aftermath of losing our baby alone. I continue to feel better physically, though my abdominal pain has been replaced by terrible headaches which are not helped by meds, which I can only assume are a result of my hormones readjusting themselves.
We are still waiting on any word on the fetal/karyotype testing, hopefully something will come through soon. I go back again on Thursday to see how my hCG levels are falling. I am really hoping that since the m/c occurred when I was due to get AF, that she will come again in a few weeks time and my #'s will be or getting close to negative by then.
Mentally, I'm having a hard time. I went to an IF support group meeting on Saturday, which was helpful. I had to get out of the house and FCI/PDTM just happened to be having a meeting. It was with the same psychologist who DH and I had met with a year ago (pre-surgery #2), who recommended I start journaling, hence this here blog. :) I'm thinking I also need to go see someone one on one and maybe as a couple as well. There are just so many levels to the sadness. I feel bad that I can't just grieve losing the baby, but that as badly as that hurts, that we are still here but what we are left with now is so much less than what we had before we cycled, and that I'm really sad for us. It feels like we have actually moved backwards, and I am so so tired of being sad and miserable.
As much as I knew in the back of my mind that a m/c was a possibility, it was not in any of the scenarios that I had planned out before we cycled, and the further we got along and the better things went, it was not something that I was giving much thought. It was either, it'll work or it won't. We'll have FE or we won't. Now, we have two, but likely won't be using them, at least not for now, as if we risk losing them along with them would go our opportunity to do shared risk. We will likely be doing a fresh cycle next/again (via shared risk), as to keep our options as open as possible.
DH wants there to be an end (for my sake), but I won't know what that is until we get there, and I am not giving up.
We are still waiting on any word on the fetal/karyotype testing, hopefully something will come through soon. I go back again on Thursday to see how my hCG levels are falling. I am really hoping that since the m/c occurred when I was due to get AF, that she will come again in a few weeks time and my #'s will be or getting close to negative by then.
Mentally, I'm having a hard time. I went to an IF support group meeting on Saturday, which was helpful. I had to get out of the house and FCI/PDTM just happened to be having a meeting. It was with the same psychologist who DH and I had met with a year ago (pre-surgery #2), who recommended I start journaling, hence this here blog. :) I'm thinking I also need to go see someone one on one and maybe as a couple as well. There are just so many levels to the sadness. I feel bad that I can't just grieve losing the baby, but that as badly as that hurts, that we are still here but what we are left with now is so much less than what we had before we cycled, and that I'm really sad for us. It feels like we have actually moved backwards, and I am so so tired of being sad and miserable.
As much as I knew in the back of my mind that a m/c was a possibility, it was not in any of the scenarios that I had planned out before we cycled, and the further we got along and the better things went, it was not something that I was giving much thought. It was either, it'll work or it won't. We'll have FE or we won't. Now, we have two, but likely won't be using them, at least not for now, as if we risk losing them along with them would go our opportunity to do shared risk. We will likely be doing a fresh cycle next/again (via shared risk), as to keep our options as open as possible.
DH wants there to be an end (for my sake), but I won't know what that is until we get there, and I am not giving up.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Waiting
I went back to the clinic this morning for the first time since my unfortunate trip early last Thursday morning. They did a blood draw for my hCG, which is now already amazingly down to 335 from nearly 17K last week (9 hrs. post-m/c). I will continue to have this tested weekly, until it is back down to zero, which will take several weeks (and possibly a month or more) depending on how my body flushes it out.
I will not hear anything back on the fetal testing until tomorrow, as contrary to what they had initially been told by the testing clinic in CA, it takes a full seven days from when they receive it. I also had another u/s, which I had requested a few days ago to check my progress, and this time it was with Dr. S (my IVF RE). It was the first time I had seen him in more than two weeks, since our only pregnancy u/s, and he was visibly upset to see me back in my state.
He found that I still have loose blood in my uterus, which is not abnormal and that my lining was much thinner than last week. He brought up a D&C again, but also said that it was unnecessary and that most people do them so that they can move on faster and not continue to bleed out naturally, but the risk to one now (potential scarring) exceeds the benefit. Period bleeding I can handle, I was just concerned that I might still have tissue in there that could cause problems. Once we know more, we'll be sitting down to discuss next steps.
Yesterday was the first day in a week that I didn't have extreme pain (though I did take an "accidental" four hour nap with my heating pad), so hopefully that is a good sign too. I get to scale back my iron pills to once a day (from 3x now), and stop when I am no longer bleeding, which has been consistent, but now seems to be subsiding.
I feel a little guilty saying this, but I feel better physically right now than I have in months. I can sleep (oh, can I sleep) and I'm feeling strong and healthy, though of course I'd trade it in a nano-second to be pregnant again...
I decided to come into the office today briefly to tell my old boss, who I'm still working with on my project but I no longer report to, why I've been out of the office, as he was getting antsy. He was very nice and just happened to also do IVF to have his two young sons. You just never know, right?
Only three more days until DH comes home. I.can't.wait...
I will not hear anything back on the fetal testing until tomorrow, as contrary to what they had initially been told by the testing clinic in CA, it takes a full seven days from when they receive it. I also had another u/s, which I had requested a few days ago to check my progress, and this time it was with Dr. S (my IVF RE). It was the first time I had seen him in more than two weeks, since our only pregnancy u/s, and he was visibly upset to see me back in my state.
He found that I still have loose blood in my uterus, which is not abnormal and that my lining was much thinner than last week. He brought up a D&C again, but also said that it was unnecessary and that most people do them so that they can move on faster and not continue to bleed out naturally, but the risk to one now (potential scarring) exceeds the benefit. Period bleeding I can handle, I was just concerned that I might still have tissue in there that could cause problems. Once we know more, we'll be sitting down to discuss next steps.
Yesterday was the first day in a week that I didn't have extreme pain (though I did take an "accidental" four hour nap with my heating pad), so hopefully that is a good sign too. I get to scale back my iron pills to once a day (from 3x now), and stop when I am no longer bleeding, which has been consistent, but now seems to be subsiding.
I feel a little guilty saying this, but I feel better physically right now than I have in months. I can sleep (oh, can I sleep) and I'm feeling strong and healthy, though of course I'd trade it in a nano-second to be pregnant again...
I decided to come into the office today briefly to tell my old boss, who I'm still working with on my project but I no longer report to, why I've been out of the office, as he was getting antsy. He was very nice and just happened to also do IVF to have his two young sons. You just never know, right?
Only three more days until DH comes home. I.can't.wait...
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Thinking about where to go from here...
For me healing is all about moving forward and making plans, always has been. So as I'm waiting for the results from my m/c testing today, I'm already starting to think about what we will do next, i.e. cycling again. We have no more insurance coverage, so whatever we do now is OOP, unless/until I get a new job with coverage (the IL mandate is for four cycles).
I had set up a FSA late last year to pay for acu/L&D/etc. (or cycling since we didn't know the outcome of our cycle yet), but we decided not to set up another because we were already pg when S's deadline came and went. I also have a bonus coming in March that we could use to help pay for whatever we decide. Obviously the test results could drive our next steps, and we still have to meet with our RE and get more tests, but I'm trying to figure out which one of these is a best for us based on what we know now... (N.B. our meds for IVF #1 were $2,500, FET would be much much less)
Option #1: FET of two frozen blasts ($3K + minimal meds)
Pros: Relatively cheap and easy, if we got/stay pg we would likely be done
Cons: If it doesn't work we are back to square one (single cycle or shared risk), if we m/c again, then we are ineligible for shared risk, our two/best embryos from this cycle ended in m/c.
Option #2: Shared Risk (up to 3 fresh + unlimited FET) ($16K + monitoring + meds, or $20K w/all monitoring + meds)
Pros: We could cycle until we get a baby or get 80% of our money back to adopt, if we start before I turn 35 (Sept.) we pay the lowest rate, we meet the qualifications, opportunity for fresh embies
Cons: Not eligible if we have another m/c, if we have a baby on the first round we've "overpaid" (but would likely have more to work with for FETs), have to use all embies before we can cancel (if we want any money back)
Option #3: Single fresh cycle ($11K + meds)
Pros: Cheaper upfront than shared risk, fresh cycle with new embryos, may get extra frozens for FETs, we got pg on 1st IVF cycle, so maybe don't need shared risk?
Cons: If it doesn't work, we'll have only FETs left. If we m/c, not eligible for shared risk.
I had set up a FSA late last year to pay for acu/L&D/etc. (or cycling since we didn't know the outcome of our cycle yet), but we decided not to set up another because we were already pg when S's deadline came and went. I also have a bonus coming in March that we could use to help pay for whatever we decide. Obviously the test results could drive our next steps, and we still have to meet with our RE and get more tests, but I'm trying to figure out which one of these is a best for us based on what we know now... (N.B. our meds for IVF #1 were $2,500, FET would be much much less)
Option #1: FET of two frozen blasts ($3K + minimal meds)
Pros: Relatively cheap and easy, if we got/stay pg we would likely be done
Cons: If it doesn't work we are back to square one (single cycle or shared risk), if we m/c again, then we are ineligible for shared risk, our two/best embryos from this cycle ended in m/c.
Option #2: Shared Risk (up to 3 fresh + unlimited FET) ($16K + monitoring + meds, or $20K w/all monitoring + meds)
Pros: We could cycle until we get a baby or get 80% of our money back to adopt, if we start before I turn 35 (Sept.) we pay the lowest rate, we meet the qualifications, opportunity for fresh embies
Cons: Not eligible if we have another m/c, if we have a baby on the first round we've "overpaid" (but would likely have more to work with for FETs), have to use all embies before we can cancel (if we want any money back)
Option #3: Single fresh cycle ($11K + meds)
Pros: Cheaper upfront than shared risk, fresh cycle with new embryos, may get extra frozens for FETs, we got pg on 1st IVF cycle, so maybe don't need shared risk?
Cons: If it doesn't work, we'll have only FETs left. If we m/c, not eligible for shared risk.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
A tough day
My mom left for home early yesterday, as she is a full time caregiver to my ailing grandmother. I was feeling okay in the morning, so I took down the tree and all the Christmas decorations. When I put them up just over a month ago, I was newly pregnant and as happy as could be. Now the house is bare, with no remnant of any of those days. Needless to say, more than a few tears were shed.
Then I got another wave of intense but dull pain, so I spent the afternoon laying flat on my back (again) with the heat on high. I finally called the clinic and talked to them about how I should be feeling five days out. Unfortunately, there is no answer and there isn't much they can do for me unless I want to get a D&C, which seems pointless since all I'm shedding now is my remaining lining. My mom said she would come back if I had one, but I don't want to have surgery (if it's not necessary) without S here. My pain just seems disproportionate to the amt. of bleeding I am having at this point and it comes and goes, but I don't know how I'm supposed to be feeling.
I could hear back on the fetal testing as early as tomorrow and then go back on Thursday for follow-up tests. I've decided to work from home this week, I'm just not ready to go sit in the office.
After watching our neighbors across the street empty their home of their belongings over the last few days as I was hold up, I actually got to talk to them yesterday. On our street, where most everyone is friendly but people keep primarily to themselves, they were always the nicest. What I feared was true, they have declared bankruptcy and let their house go into foreclosure. Their kids are grown and they seemed resigned to moving to a smaller place.
Serenity Prayer
God, grant us the Serenity to accept things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.
Then I got another wave of intense but dull pain, so I spent the afternoon laying flat on my back (again) with the heat on high. I finally called the clinic and talked to them about how I should be feeling five days out. Unfortunately, there is no answer and there isn't much they can do for me unless I want to get a D&C, which seems pointless since all I'm shedding now is my remaining lining. My mom said she would come back if I had one, but I don't want to have surgery (if it's not necessary) without S here. My pain just seems disproportionate to the amt. of bleeding I am having at this point and it comes and goes, but I don't know how I'm supposed to be feeling.
I could hear back on the fetal testing as early as tomorrow and then go back on Thursday for follow-up tests. I've decided to work from home this week, I'm just not ready to go sit in the office.
After watching our neighbors across the street empty their home of their belongings over the last few days as I was hold up, I actually got to talk to them yesterday. On our street, where most everyone is friendly but people keep primarily to themselves, they were always the nicest. What I feared was true, they have declared bankruptcy and let their house go into foreclosure. Their kids are grown and they seemed resigned to moving to a smaller place.
Serenity Prayer
God, grant us the Serenity to accept things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Gambling and Ramblings
I'm sure this analogy has been used before, I'm not that inventive. The more I think about reproduction, the more it reminds me of just a bunch of gambling.
Many (typically fertile) people get pg by accident when not preventing. I've heard as many as half of all pregnancies are unplanned. Unless it's forced, it's obviously a choice to gamble.
Then there is planned reproduction. It's a gamble too, you don't know what you're going to get. I get so upset when I hear people talk about gender disappointment (and don't even get me started on gender preference) because remember people, you're gambling. If you aren't happy for either outcome, you just shouldn't be playing.
Assisted reproduction is then, of course, the equivalent of high stakes poker. We put all our chips on the table (and then some) and we won, just to have it all taken away and be left with nothing. If $15K would guarantee me a take home baby, I'd be the first to sign up. But of course this is very far from a guarantee. You get a roll of the dice, that is all. I guess I need to start getting comfortable with this, how I'm not sure. I'm not a gambler, not with money anyway.
Ramblings:
Miscarriage is one of those awkward situations that people aren't always sure how to deal with. The expression of sadness is easy and people mean well, but even if someone has experienced it (as many many women have) I have a hard time finding a lot of comfort from people who insist on telling me they know how just I feel if they:
-are fertile, or better yet already have 1 or 2 kids when they have a m/c
-had a failed cycle or a c/p, I'm sure these are just awful, but it's not the same
-if IF, still have IF coverage to keep trying w/o affecting their lifestyle
-are still so young that their age is a non-issue
-have their husband, which is the only person that you'd conceivably want to have anywhere near you when you lose your child, with them to comfort them
Just like I would never presume to know what it's like to lose multiple pg, a pg in the 2nd or 3rd trimester, or what it's like to lose a child. It's ridiculous.
I was reading about having a miscarriage at the point at which I had mine (~8 1/2 wks) and while they are not common (2-3% chance), the interesting thing that was noted it is the exact time that my body would be having it's second missed period. Eerily, almost to the exact hour, it was eight weeks from my LMP (the extra few days are bc I had only 12 days from LMP to ER). This of course could just be a random coincidence, but it could be a sign that somehow my body thought it should have (but didn't) get a monthly memo that it needed to stay pg and that it was not time to expel all contents of my womb and then proceed to continue to bleed out with absolutely no warning.
I just saw the last episode of the season of Giuliana and Bill. I think I've seen most of the others, but she was really starting to drive me nuts. I didn't think I'd watch this one after hearing about it, but just happened to catch it. She seemed a lot more normal and reasonable in this one. She had OHSS and complications after her second ER and then waited to do a FET, which ended up being negative. She had previously gotten pg after her 1st IVF cycle, but miscarried @ 8-9 weeks. It makes me think about what will happen if our next cycle doesn't work at all. Then what do we do?
Thanks to American/Gulf Air, I will not be seeing my DH for another week. There is apparently no way they can get him on another flight before his schedule flight to arrive next Sunday. My mom is leaving in the morning. I am supposed to go back to work on Tuesday. I have no idea how I'm going to make it through this week.
Many (typically fertile) people get pg by accident when not preventing. I've heard as many as half of all pregnancies are unplanned. Unless it's forced, it's obviously a choice to gamble.
Then there is planned reproduction. It's a gamble too, you don't know what you're going to get. I get so upset when I hear people talk about gender disappointment (and don't even get me started on gender preference) because remember people, you're gambling. If you aren't happy for either outcome, you just shouldn't be playing.
Assisted reproduction is then, of course, the equivalent of high stakes poker. We put all our chips on the table (and then some) and we won, just to have it all taken away and be left with nothing. If $15K would guarantee me a take home baby, I'd be the first to sign up. But of course this is very far from a guarantee. You get a roll of the dice, that is all. I guess I need to start getting comfortable with this, how I'm not sure. I'm not a gambler, not with money anyway.
Ramblings:
Miscarriage is one of those awkward situations that people aren't always sure how to deal with. The expression of sadness is easy and people mean well, but even if someone has experienced it (as many many women have) I have a hard time finding a lot of comfort from people who insist on telling me they know how just I feel if they:
-are fertile, or better yet already have 1 or 2 kids when they have a m/c
-had a failed cycle or a c/p, I'm sure these are just awful, but it's not the same
-if IF, still have IF coverage to keep trying w/o affecting their lifestyle
-are still so young that their age is a non-issue
-have their husband, which is the only person that you'd conceivably want to have anywhere near you when you lose your child, with them to comfort them
Just like I would never presume to know what it's like to lose multiple pg, a pg in the 2nd or 3rd trimester, or what it's like to lose a child. It's ridiculous.
I was reading about having a miscarriage at the point at which I had mine (~8 1/2 wks) and while they are not common (2-3% chance), the interesting thing that was noted it is the exact time that my body would be having it's second missed period. Eerily, almost to the exact hour, it was eight weeks from my LMP (the extra few days are bc I had only 12 days from LMP to ER). This of course could just be a random coincidence, but it could be a sign that somehow my body thought it should have (but didn't) get a monthly memo that it needed to stay pg and that it was not time to expel all contents of my womb and then proceed to continue to bleed out with absolutely no warning.
I just saw the last episode of the season of Giuliana and Bill. I think I've seen most of the others, but she was really starting to drive me nuts. I didn't think I'd watch this one after hearing about it, but just happened to catch it. She seemed a lot more normal and reasonable in this one. She had OHSS and complications after her second ER and then waited to do a FET, which ended up being negative. She had previously gotten pg after her 1st IVF cycle, but miscarried @ 8-9 weeks. It makes me think about what will happen if our next cycle doesn't work at all. Then what do we do?
Thanks to American/Gulf Air, I will not be seeing my DH for another week. There is apparently no way they can get him on another flight before his schedule flight to arrive next Sunday. My mom is leaving in the morning. I am supposed to go back to work on Tuesday. I have no idea how I'm going to make it through this week.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
