21 weeks!

21 weeks (and one week into bed rest), and since I guess I've lost my excuses not to do belly pics...

Don't mind the ill fitting non-maternity clothes, we're doing laundry, and I don't leave the house anyway.

From the right...

And the left...

Oncoming...

And the money shot...

Belly button is still in, but flattening, so my lap scar in there is now getting his time in the spotlight (I can't see the lower one anymore, as he's hiding under my bump).

I'm up almost 20 lbs. now and generally feeling fine and sleeping somewhat better.  Much less pain and pressure now that I'm on bed rest.  The babies are VERY active when they are awake.

My mom is passing through town again this weekend as she fortunately sold and is closing next week on my grandmother's house in Ohio.  She has volunteered to do the sewing for the nursery, but I'm still planning to help.

September is looking up!

I've always loved September (though last year was completely awful), and it's finally here! 

We had our third cervical check in a week today and for the first time since they found the funneling last week, it is lengthened (to 3.75cm) and CLOSED!  We are thrilled!  I can hardly believe it.  So I guess the verdict is that I do still have some cervical integrity (and am not in the 1% w/an incompetent cervix) and it is dynamic rather than effacing.  Thank goodness.  There is nothing like the prospect of preterm labor at 20 weeks to put the complete and total fear of God in you, let me tell you.  But we are keeping the course, in bed, on Crinone, and going in again on Tuesday for another one of my twice weekly checks.  We will continue these through 24 wks and then see if we can scale back.

The babies still look great.  Baby girl has a HB of 165 and is up to 13 oz. and is measuring on track.  Baby boy has a HB of 158 and is up to 15 oz. (almost a whole pound!) and is measuring a week ahead.  He is head down and banging on my cervix already, which feels fabulous (note sarcasm), but she is a little more chill and is transverse on top of her brother.

What's old is new again

Just when I thought I was never going back to the now months past vag cam visits and Crinone, here we go again...  We went to the MFM this morning and thankfully my cervix funneling hasn't changed since Thursday, and she also doesn't think a cerclage is a good idea at this point.  The risk of breaking my water during the procedure and of infection apparently outweigh the benefits, though I must admit part of me (and DH) wanted her to say they would just stitch me up so we could relax a little.  The babies are both still looking great.

After the dx on Thursday and hospital trip on Friday and a very rough weekend, where I was almost entirely on bed rest fearing that my cervix was ready to give out while we had family visiting, we are both ready for a break.  But at least we have a more proactive plan.  In addition to the progesterone, she wants me to be monitored twice a week to see if/how my cervix changes.  She said if/when I dilate too early, they will stitch me up.  She said she didn't think all the pain and discomfort I'm having is related to the cervical changes, and that strict bed rest is unlikely to prevent any changes that could happen.  She said I should take it easy, which I thought I already was, and get a support band to help me as I continue to grow.

The nursery is now a new room, though we (by which I mean DH) still have quite a bit of work to do to finish the wall and paint, so we can move everything in.  I can't wait to get it all put together, but honestly given all the craziness of the last few days, I guess we aren't in that big a hurry since we've already past into what I thought would be the post-24 week lockdown and we won't be housing babies for some time even if they come early.  We now have both the cribs, mattresses, bedding, rugs, dresser, topper, shelves, art, etc. and it will be fun to see it all come together.  We still have to finalize the chair decision and get that ordered.

Bed Rest Day #1

After spending the entire day yesterday in the city at our anatomy scan and then OB appt., we finally came home and I went to bed.  Though sleeping wasn't really on the docket.  I got a few hours all night, as I was having all sorts of pain and pressure.  I paged the OB early this morning as she said this is the only indication I'd have of something changing and she told me to go to the hospital, so off we went again.

We spent several hours at Prentice, where they confirmed that my cervix is still closed and I was not contracting (and the babies are still fine).  They talked to the OB, who we are meeting with again on Monday.  We stopped by the MFM practice before we left to get an appt., but they just took my info and told me they'd call me back.  Thankfully, they called back this afternoon and I have a 9am u/s for Monday with an MFM who specializes in multiples, high risk pregnancies and pregnancy loss.  We are very happy to get in with a specialist who can potentially give us additional options rather than just lay on my back for the next four months in hopes of keeping the babies in and that it is up to me to know if my cervix starts dilating between appts., at which point they could try to intervene.

We are very thankful that this cervical issue was discovered when we can still potentially do something to bring the babies closer to term, as many people just go into preterm labor and lose their babies before they ever know something is amiss.  Being on bed rest before 24 weeks wasn't really something I had considered, but we will figure it out.  Thankful again that I am not working and that our travel is done.  DH is amazing at taking care of me, as always.  My dad and step mom are coming tomorrow for a quick visit, when DH and dad will put up the nursery wall.

Whether it's a cerclage and/or bed rest that gets us there, we are fighting for these babies. 

If you've been on bed rest, what did you do?  I'm thinking over four months, I could write a book, or two... ;)

20 wks: funneling cervix and bed rest

We had our anatomy scan today and thankfully the babies both look great.  Baby girl weighs 11 oz and is on track and baby boy is still measuring ahead and weighs 12 oz.  We got our quad screen results, which were also normal.  But unfortunately, my cervix is funneling (which means the inside is open in the shape of a "V"), though it is still closed.  It is borderline short (2.5cm) and soft.  The OB said there isn't much they can do for this at this point, other than put me on bed rest and wait to see what happens, which is obviously not very comforting.  If my cervix starts to open, they could do a cerclage (where they stitch your cervix closed), but until that happens, they wouldn't do it yet.

This comes after an unplanned trip to the OB last Friday after I passed some abnormal discharge. which appeared to be my mucus plug.  I called and they had me come in and after finding the babies HBs on the doppler and checking that my cervix was closed, they sent me on my way.

So I finally finished my design class last week (it was disappointing, but I got an A) and we had a nice trip to NYC and the Hamptons (despite crazy delays on both ends).  So I'll be horizontal for the foreseeable future and praying to keep these babies cooking for as long as possible.  We have a long way to go...

Taking a break

We are getting ready to leave for NYC and the Hamptons for a nice long weekend, which couldn't come at a better time.  I'm actually relieved the Bump boards are down today, as news I heard yesterday has been haunting me. 

An online friend, who happened to have been TTC exactly as long as we had, is my age, left her job to focus on her pg, had to do IVF (repeatedly) to get pg, was expecting twins (boys, she now knows) just a few days after me, suddenly lost them at 18 weeks.  I think about this happening all.the.time, but to see it play out so horrifically for her is absolutely heartbreaking.  I can't put it into words.  What an awful test of the limits of human fortitude.

We are so thankful to have made it to 19 weeks (tomorrow officially) and that I am feeling the babies so much.  Thanks for making your old lady feel better kids, I appreciate it.  Counting down the last week to our anatomy scan and only five more to V-day.  Tick tock...

Infertility math and twin guilt

Well now that we are out to everyone as expecting twins and are as sure as we can be at this point that we know what we are having (ty 3D u/s), I am getting the inevitable bizarro comments from people.  OMG, instant family! (three years later...)  One of each and done! (we'd be done, and content, after two regardless...)  Of course these usually come from people who have no idea what we've been through to get here.  These don't really bother me as much as remind me how much dealing with infertility for 2 1/2 years changes you, not that I would ever have said things like this to anyone. 

If I were a fertile myrtle and could get pg on demand, we'd have a two year old and another on the way.  So irony of ironies after all this, I admit we've sort of caught up.  My goal was to have two by 35 and we'll almost make it.  Except instead of enjoying a kiddo (and life generally) for the last two years (and having a nice down payment for a summer house), we've been slogging to various drs., having seemingly endless surgeries, taking myriad drugs, etc.  You get the idea, it's not the same.  But on the surface, all is seemingly perfect (so far anyway).  While this feels well earned, it also feels really awkward at the same time.  I've had people tell me they are jealous of us, which I'm kind of at a loss as how to respond to.

And don't get me wrong, I am beyond thrilled about our two babies (who are both squirming around like crazy as I write this :) ), but when it first sunk in that we were in fact having two at the same time (which obviously wasn't a big surprise given we'd transferred two embryos), I surprisingly didn't feel overwhelmed at all, I felt a little guilty. 

Guilty that only because of our IF would they each never have the time they deserve to be our only baby, that they would likely come early, be small, and would have a much higher chance of complications, etc.  All things that would almost never have been a possibility if we hadn't had to go through IF treatments to get pg.  Even my breeder sister, who will soon have four under five, told me after finding out that twins were her "worst nightmare".  Nice, huh?  (btw, I'd much rather be me than her.)  The thing about finally getting pg, which not everyone seems to realize, is that things are instantly no longer about you.  Something that I find profoundly refreshing after our journey.  It's one thing to go through these things yourself/as a couple by choice, but also because you have to, and then realize that your kids will be forever affected by what you've gone through.  It wasn't something that I thought about that much before, since even getting pg w/one baby seemed unattainable after so long, though we were very cognizant of making responsible decisions that weren't only based on our short term situation.

DH and I feel strongly that our primary job as parents is to do all we can to ensure our kids are able to live up to their full potential (and all that goes into that), and I feared that I was disadvantaging them out of the gate.  I am of course comforted by friends who've had big twins (my goal is >6 lbs/ea.), with no NICU time, who are thriving (though even the small ones usually catch up), but for an instant, I felt selfish for facilitating (and wanting) two babies.  I guess my mommy guilt got started early.