22 weeks!

The babies are now the size of papayas (or spaghetti squash, depending on whether you prefer fruit or veggies ;) ) and should both be over a pound by now.  To say that the last three weeks (since I lost my mucus plug and everything has gone downhill) have been crazy would be an understatement, but honestly like all the shit we've been though the last few years, I think we are doing pretty well.  I'm starting to feel better (finally) and hopefully after this especially crazy week, the weekend will give DH some breathing room to not feel like he's living on a tilt-a-whirl (remember those?), though he's got a lot to do. 

Now that we are hopefully in a better place, I do feel bad that I can't do anything to help him out around the house.  In addition to working FT+, he is now responsible for making sure I'm taken care of and that all the house chores and errands are done.  He, as usual, is handling everything with great aplomb.  As we near our fifth wedding anniversary next Friday, I am reminded again that marrying him is one of the very best decisions I've ever made.

I went in for my first 17P shot today and while it was a little scary getting out and about for my only allowed weekly furlough from my house arrest, it was really nice too.  The irony now is that when I see pregnant women on the street, I don't envy them for being pregnant, I envy them for being able to walk down the street, something I obviously took for granted before.  But thank goodness for internet shopping...

On not working

Thanks Linda for the post topic!  She was wondering about my decision to leave my job for our latest cycle.  This came after the decision to take an unpaid leave of absence for my fresh cycle last November, which I think helped me then. (see "what we did" post from December)  I apologize in advance that this is long and rambling, but as you can see it wasn't a decision that we came to quickly or without a lot a crap going down first.

Back when we were planning to cycle last Sept/Oct (after my last septum/lap surgery and before my FIL passed away unexpectedly delaying our cycle to Oct/Nov), I had spoken with my boss about what we were doing and that I'd like to take some time off to focus on our cycle.  He was very supportive, having a brother who with his wife had been through the IVF process as well (they now have twins).  I then had to spend a lot of time with HR to try to figure out how to make it work.  They wanted me to apply for STD, which I knew I wouldn't, and didn't, qualify for, as my RE would only write me out of work for ER and ET (two days).  I finally ended up taking a personal leave, when we got to cycling in November.  I gave up those weeks of my salary and that portion of the year's bonus, but I didn't have to use any of my PTO time, which I cashed out when I left the company.  After doing some research, I also requested that it not count against my 12 weeks of guaranteed time for FMLA, since it was obviously our plan to get pg and need that time for maternity leave, which would have been paid through STD and my saved PTO.

I found out I was pg over Thanksgiving and returned to work the next week.  I worked for just over a month before we lost that pregnancy.  My boss was then very understanding and let me take a week off (off the books) and then I came back to work partial days for the next.  After DH returned from India, we began our recovery and planned for our next/FET cycle with our two remaining embryos from our cycle, it became increasingly apparent to me/us that we needed to focus our energies even more on what we doing. 

Originally, I was meant to be on the road for work from late Jan-April (my 2nd tri for my 1st pg, which I thought would work out, though the pg didn't), but then in December found out that this would be delayed.  After I returned to work in January after our loss, it turned out that the powers that be were considering delaying the roadshow launch even further.  I had an honest discussion with my boss, my former boss (who was still leading the project, but was now on a new team), and my boss's boss about how our plans to cycle again would be our priority and that I would need to have someone fill in for me on the road if I needed to be home for appointments on certain days.  They were supportive, but honestly the project was so unstable at that point, that I think they were just agreeing to whatever I was saying because they needed me to stick around and help get it off the ground whenever that time came.

I don't remember exactly when DH and I started talking about me leaving my FT job completely.  I think I brought it up sometime after the new year.  I had been unhappy for some time and a lot had happened since I had started there in the fall of 2009, which was when we began our first treatment cycle.  I had completed a mini-MBA program in Feb 2010, which my employer had helped to pay for, so I was obligated to stay on for one year after that, to avoid having to repay those funds.  I was also looking forward to collecting my annual bonus at the end of March, which I was definitely sticking around for.  So this became our new target.  Sometime in late winter, they decided to cancel the roadshow for my project completely, which was somewhat of a relief, but also upset me given I'd devoted 18 months of my life to this project, and it was pretty clear that they were screwing up the launch.  I made it known that I didn't agree with this decision and at some point a new, scaled back launch plan was suggested.  I again reminded everyone that I would be available only to the extent that whatever schedule they came up with didn't interfere with what we were doing. 

It wasn't until mid-March that we were able to begin meds for our FET, given the time required post-m/c to regulate and get back on track.  By this time, I was counting down the days.  At the end of the month, I got my evaluation, bonus and raise, and after leading the training session that was to replace most of our roadshow, gave my two week notice.  I worked until mid-April, two weeks before our transfer.  Another reason why I was comfortable leaving without another job lined up, was that the consulting firm I had worked for before I went over the corporate side in 2005, said that they had work for me to do.  I did my first, and what has turned out to be only, project for them immediately after I left my FT job.  This was the intense project in Vegas that almost cause me to miss my grandfather's funeral in April.  After this and getting pg w/twins from our cycle, I have opted not to do much in the way of work which is good now that I'm totally out of commission, though I have been networking, with another consulting firm adding me to their roster of contractors.

We had used the rest of our $15K lifetime max for infertility treatments, through DH's work, on our fresh cycle, so we knew we'd be OOP for whatever came next, unless/until I found a new job with IF benefits.  We had saved up enough to do several cycles OOP, if that became necessary.  I also did a ridiculous amount of research and even applied to work for companies where IF benefits were available.  Given our age, history, focus on having a family (not having kids has never been a viable option for either us, and we have discussed adoption at length), and ability to live on one salary since we live below our means, while we figure out what is going to happen, it made sense for us. 

Though long term given my earning ability, which is significantly more than the cost of having someone else care for two kids while I work, I will likely go back to work in some capacity by the time the kids are two/in pre-school in order to help provide the comfortable lifestyle that we'd like to provide for our family.  Those 529s don't fully fund themselves unfortunately...  And unlike someone I was reading the other day in response to determining their family size, I won't expect my kids to just be thankful to be alive, even though there is no plan/ability to take care of them adequately.  This might be the single most ridiculous and irresponsible thing I've ever read, and I know all about this first hand.  They should expect some support from their parents in making something of themselves.  I don't expect them to start working at 12 or work three jobs through college, like I did.  But unless we have a family, the money really means nothing and the things that it can buy (besides IF treatments, of course) can wait.  But my biological clock doesn't stop ticking...

Now that I'm on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy, I (and all my Drs.) are very glad that I'm not having to deal with an employer.

Emergent cerclage for incompetent cervix

The title pretty much says it all, but this is what we've been up to for the last few days. 

I had my regular cervical check yesterday and the u/s showed that we had regressed to where we had been a week before (short: ~2.5cm and funnelled to ~1cm), but upon the manual check by the OB, she found that she could get her finger up into my cervix.  She sent me to L&D immediately.  By the time we got to Prentice and got checked again (a few hrs later), I'd dilated to 1cm.  They finally gave us the option to get a cerclage.  We said, yes please.  By the time I got in the OR a few hours after that, I was dilated to 2cm.  They stitched me up tight after giving me a spinal, which was not terribly pleasant and hurts like hell now.

I spent the night in the hospital for the first time ever, with DH and my mom (who just happened to be passing back through town again), and it was a rough one, I'm still exhausted.  My room, ironically, looked out over the MCA, where DH and I had our first date almost seven years ago.  My OB, Dr. Levin, came by this morning to discharge me (she had been on vaca during my recent adventures) and we decided to do not only full bed rest and weekly checks, but also weekly IM progesterone shots, which will be administered in the office.  The compounder is sending it off to them, so I will go in either tomorrow or Friday for the first one.

Still having lots of aches and pains and hoping that time and rest will help me feel a little more normal.  Almost 22 weeks! :)

Lessons from the flip side

I know some of you are already moms and others of you are still working on it, and then some of you are happily neither and just following along.  I think a lot about how people cross over to the other side when they've dealt with infertility (and loss as well), as it can be a somewhat contentious issue among infertiles.  My stance has always been that no one (infertile or not) should ever feel guilty or apologize for their good fortune in getting pregnant.  I'm not just saying this because we have been lucky enough to get pregnant again, but because I've lived quite happily with other people's success, for years now.

For many dealing with infertility, getting pregnant seems like a huge accomplishment, which it is, but sadly the really hard work is just beginning.  Depending on your dx, and many don't have one definitively, pregnancy may be as easy as it can ever be and for others, not so much.  Which seems to reek of something amiss in the karmic space, but these are not necessarily unrelated.  I was, of course, very recently reminded of this, yet again. 

The key causes of my infertility, as far as any of our RE's can tell, are hormonal and structural.  My body goes easy on the making of estrogen and progesterone, which is no minor detail, though it strangely doesn't result in odd cycles.  And after a cervical biopsy 13 yrs ago and my uterine malformation (a giant septum) and two resection surgeries (and a polyp surgery w/a D&C), my baby carrying equipment is in a relatively sad state.  These are two things that unfortunately for me, don't stop being an issue just because I'm able to get pregnant with the help of IVF. 

Yes, my two giant placentas should be making lots of progesterone by now and are clearly doing well enough to support the twins, but not so much my body on its own.  I know that I am very lucky that I don't have other underlying health or immunological issues and neither do we apparently have any significant gamete (egg or sperm) issues.  These unfortunately often cause people to cycle repeatedly, going through lots of eggs, embryos and even babies before finding the winners and coasting to home plate in this all too insane game of reproduction.  We've only ever had five embryos (out of 7 mature eggs), four of which were transferred, and three of which made it to heartbeat, which I'll admit is an amazing hit rate.  So not so infertile, you might say, but touche, it's just not that simple.

As you may remember, there was no explanation for our loss in December, given that the vast majority of first trimester losses are a result of chromosomal abnormalities.  Everything looked absolutely textbook perfect, until of course, it was over in a matter of minutes.  This happened four weeks after I voluntarily switched from my course of PIO to Crinone, as I was given the option and was told there was no difference.  I was not allowed to be on Crinone for pregnancy support during my next cycle, a tacit admission by my RE that this had obviously not worked for me.  There was also concern that my septum may have been a contributing factor, which is why we had another invasive scan and surgery consult after our loss.

When I passed my mucus plug @ 19 weeks during this pregnancy, after what was an uneventful first half, it was again four weeks since I had stopped my ridiculously long PIO regime.  I was eager to stop, but part of me was very anxious that my body had proven that it didn't do pregnancy well without the proper hormone supplementation, regardless of what my body was supposed to be doing.  So within a week and a half, we were back on progesterone again in an effort to keep my hacked cervix closed and the babies inside cooking.

So let my tales of woe be a lesson for all you who are still in the trenches.  Getting pregnant may seem like the holy grail, but sometimes it's not.  Try to find out what is keeping you from getting pregnant, if you can, and then be diligent about following through on this after you get pregnant, since that BFP is unfortunately not necessarily the answer and end to all your problems.

3D Gender Scan (a month later)

I had a quick 3D gender scan at 16 weeks, and was supposed to receive a USB of the pics.  When it came, it had someone else's pics on it. :/  So I called and they told me to just delete them and keep the drive and they would send out another.  Weeks passed and no flash drive.  After calling again, it finally came today.  So very late, but thought I'd post them anyway, even though the twins are so tiny.

Our boppies also came today too!  Two organic slipcovered pillows for $35 instead of $100+. 

Thanks Totsy!



21 weeks!

21 weeks (and one week into bed rest), and since I guess I've lost my excuses not to do belly pics...

Don't mind the ill fitting non-maternity clothes, we're doing laundry, and I don't leave the house anyway.

From the right...

And the left...

Oncoming...

And the money shot...

Belly button is still in, but flattening, so my lap scar in there is now getting his time in the spotlight (I can't see the lower one anymore, as he's hiding under my bump).

I'm up almost 20 lbs. now and generally feeling fine and sleeping somewhat better.  Much less pain and pressure now that I'm on bed rest.  The babies are VERY active when they are awake.

My mom is passing through town again this weekend as she fortunately sold and is closing next week on my grandmother's house in Ohio.  She has volunteered to do the sewing for the nursery, but I'm still planning to help.

September is looking up!

I've always loved September (though last year was completely awful), and it's finally here! 

We had our third cervical check in a week today and for the first time since they found the funneling last week, it is lengthened (to 3.75cm) and CLOSED!  We are thrilled!  I can hardly believe it.  So I guess the verdict is that I do still have some cervical integrity (and am not in the 1% w/an incompetent cervix) and it is dynamic rather than effacing.  Thank goodness.  There is nothing like the prospect of preterm labor at 20 weeks to put the complete and total fear of God in you, let me tell you.  But we are keeping the course, in bed, on Crinone, and going in again on Tuesday for another one of my twice weekly checks.  We will continue these through 24 wks and then see if we can scale back.

The babies still look great.  Baby girl has a HB of 165 and is up to 13 oz. and is measuring on track.  Baby boy has a HB of 158 and is up to 15 oz. (almost a whole pound!) and is measuring a week ahead.  He is head down and banging on my cervix already, which feels fabulous (note sarcasm), but she is a little more chill and is transverse on top of her brother.