We love you Laura

My aunt Laura passed away earlier this week. She was a young fifty-five, always so sweet and cool and chic.  I idolized her when I was a kid, probably because she didn't have any reason not to be sunny, unlike my divorced working mom of four.  She had breast cancer that we'd thought she'd beaten, but then it came back and had spread to the muscles around her heart, and even all her fight and the best care in the world couldn't beat it. She and my uncle (my father's next younger brother) were married 30 years and lived in Palm Beach Gardens, after first meeting in Chicago.  They were quite a couple...  She the sorority girl turned travel agent (remember those?) turned SAHM and teacher.  My uncle the golf pro/model turned small business owner.  When I was a kid, we'd often make the long drive from WI down to visit them (usually in the hot hot summer).

She was the first person I knew to do IVF (in the late 80s, for secondary infertility after having a son promptly after they were married and waiting years for another child), though it didn't work and she subsequently got pg on her own w/her daughter (who just turned 21). She was also the first person I knew to build her dream house, which we got to witness (it was the summer my sister Em spent with them, so of course she did the same a decade later).

When I was dating a guy who lived in Miami (in college and just after), I would always drive up to visit them when I was in their neck of the woods. It was on one of these trips, about a decade ago, that I saw her last. I guess I had a bit of a falling out with my uncle, who is as terribly opinionated as I am though he is also a rabid Republican and racist and has a thing for grudges, and we just kind of fell out of regular touch.  My family is weird like that, which is sad.  I'd heard through the grape vine last year that she was sick again, but hadn't been able to get down to see her.  They weren't able to travel up to my grandma's big 90th party last May.  She, thankfully, made it long enough to see her son have one of his own, the same week the twins were born. 

With Mother's Day this weekend, which is already know as "Thanksgiving Day in May" at our house, we'll be thinking of her, remembering the good times and just how lucky we are to have our health and our family.

Places/cos/stuff I love (for saving $/time/sanity while trying to be green & healthy)

The funny thing about being home with the kids is life gets simplified, as my focus is much more narrow than it used to be, while it also gets more complicated in that everything (even the most simple thing) is more difficult to execute than it was before.  But this is the good stuff we've been waiting for. :)

So I thought I'd share a few things that have made the last year or so easier for us in our neck of the woods, but are also national or can be found by anyone living in a major metro.  And before you even have to think it, I have no shame to admit that yes we are do in fact likely fit many of your suburban yuppie (though my family was hippie 40 yrs before it was yuppie to be) stereotypes, though thankfully we don't do things for any other reason than it is want we want.  Now that we have that out of the way, in no particular order:

1) Door to Door Organics: this is our weekly organic produce/CSA/home grocery delivery service that I've generally been happy with and which has service in several other major metro areas.  We use them primarily for fruits/veggies and the kids' whole milk, though they deliver many other things too.

2) Tazo Chai (tea latte) concentrate:  Chai latte has always been my drink of choice at Starbucks, as somehow the caffeine doesn't affect me the same way that coffee or espresso (even decaf) does.  Even though we live in the suburbs, and have access to their drive-thrus (thank goodness), it is nice to be able to make the exact same thing at home (thanks to our milk frother) because some weeks days (for many months) there we didn't leave the house.  Costco sells the cartons for $8 for a pack of three (instead of 5/ea at retail), which makes it about 90% cheaper than buying it prepared in store.  But they are a good company, which I like to support, so now that we get out more I may be able to keep up my gold membership between the drive thru and Target.

3) I've said it before and I'll say it again, I love Costco.  Love may seem like a strong word, but if my husband were a store, he would be Costco.  I love them that much.  There aren't many stores that have regular double carts, not those weird things that Target has, and beside being able to buy so much of our stuff (organic food and household miscellany) there (which obviously requires a cart rather than a stroller), and return anything with no questions asked, the kids absolutely love it there too (I think because there is so much and so many people to look at).  And the sample ladies make up a good contingent of their fan club. :)

4) Whole Foods:  I've loved this store since I moved to Boston nearly 20 yrs ago (when it was known as Bread & Circus) and lived across the street from the one in Lincoln Park, and dreamed of getting our own for several years when we moved here and they finally opened one nearer to us three years ago (not that the old one was that far away).  This is where we buy our fish and other things that we don't get elsewhere.  They also have awesome prepared food, because sometimes you need a pizza or a rotisserie chicken and you don't want to eat crap just because you don't want to cook.  One of the huge and unusual advantages of the one near us is they have underground parking, which is a dream getting in and out of the car in the cold winter or rainy spring with little kids.  And since hardly anyone uses it, it is less busy and safer and you can park right next to the elevator.  Easy peasy.

5) Bright Start 529 Savings:  How does one love a 529, right?  Well how about free money?  Yes, you heard that right.  We've gotten a free (and tax free) extra grand from these guys (since we had four accounts) when they did a matching promotion a while back.  Not too shabby.  That definitely makes up for not getting the state tax credit, if you don't live in Illinois.  We do automatic monthly contributions, but extra ones are super easy to do online too.

6) Gap Brands: (Gap/Old Navy/thank goodness they don't have BR kids, right?):  If you love classic styled baby clothes, I recommend getting a Gap brands credit card (any card works at any store/online).  I've had a BR card since I used to buy most of my work (and otherwise) clothes there, and it has come in handy now with the kids.  They have great sales, have lots of lines to choose from (so you don't have to turn your kid into a free walking billboard, unless you want to, of course), and the card always gets you additional savings (and rewards credits back).  If you aren't getting at least 40% off everything you buy there, you are overpaying.  You save more every Tuesday in store, though the web sometimes has better deals.

7) Once Upon a Child:  This place is the easiest way to get rid of no longer needed baby stuff, from clothes to gear.  They pay fairly well, especially since it saves me the time of dealing with Craigslist.  And honestly I often do exactly what they love and usually just spend what I make back on "new" clothes.  I've found some great stuff here (like nearly new Lilly for her, Polo RL for him, though both of these also have great sales online too).  I buy the vast majority of our stuff new, but as you know, I'm all for recycling. ;) 
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8) Honest Company/Seventh Generation:  I've mentioned both these guys before, but I just have to say if you are doing disposables (which I didn't think we would), I hope you order them online from somewhere instead of dragging boxes from the store and maybe even consider using ones that are "greener" for baby's bottom and the planet, if you can.  Woot.com often has deals on the 7 gen ones.  They both make great wipes and skin products too.

9) You probably have seen my affinity for IKEA all over the blog/our house.  While it is super close, we don't go that often.  They have double carts too, though they don't keep them in the parking lot, so we usually just do the stroller since I don't take the kids if I'm buying big stuff.  They have somewhat decent stuff for the kids to eat, lots to look at, and I can not wait until they are big enough to play at Smaland.

10) Sweet Tomatoes/Bahama Breeze:  We take the kids out to dinner at least once a week, to get all of us out together and get them used to eating in restaurants.  These are two of our stand bys that are chains. Sweet Tomatoes is a salad bar buffet, which means that they can try even things that we don't usually make at home.  Bahama Breeze is a Darden restaurant which makes it sound more lame than it is.  They have an enclosed patio (w/live music) which the kids love and their kid's menu is actually healthy.  They like the corn cakes, baked fish or chicken, which comes with broccoli and fruit.  It is nice that they don't have to eat crap, since nearly every kids' menu is awash with chicken fingers.  Blech.

The real reward to saving, since I don't budget, is seeing the extra money go to the kids' college savings, especially since I just finished paying for my education a few years ago... 

What helps you save your money, time, sanity?

We are looking forward to changing things up for summer.  New classes through the park district, and besides the local pools, which are cheap (and free for the kids) and mornings at the one of choice is open for toddlers only, the Botanic Garden and the LP zoo are both free (save membership/parking) and Ravinia is free for the kids at classical concerts.  Our local farmer's market starts and the Green City market (in the city) moves back outside soon, respectively.

Summer is what gets people coming to and staying in Chicago. It worked for me. :)

On why we are done...

Given what we've been through the last several years, you might think that it would be a no brainer that our family is complete, and honestly when you are have boy/girl twins you don't get asked this a lot, but of course everyone has their own opinions when it comes to these things...

Ironically, my mother tried to talk me into getting my tubes tied with my C-section, which I declined since we had zero born/healthy children at the time (and I was all too aware that her idea had less to do with me than with my yet again (at the time) pg sister, who has since gotten "fixed").  But my OB, who even after seeing our last pregnancy, doesn't think we are done, for whatever reason.  I'd like to think it is because we are great parents, but I'm sure we look like walking dollars signs to her.  And of course by choosing to have a public blog where you talk about your life and decisions, I am well aware that it opens it to the world. 

I've recently been asked if we are planning to have more kids and we are both very comfortable with the answer being, "thanks, but no thanks".

I love kids generally, as does DH, which is why I spent most of my formative years caring for other peoples' and one of the many reasons I married him.  Though we also feel like we don't have to have them all ourselves.  And of course, we couldn't possibly be more crazy about ours, and I know that many people make these decisions based on purely emotional rather than even remotely pragmatic factors.   I don't understand it, but that is all well and good as long as they are not pure fantasy and you prepared and willing to deal with the realities of the children you choose to bear and that you never really know how it will all go down.  For us, they are one and the same.  Call me too worried about worst case scenario, which could be renamed "what usually happens to me", I call it being conservative and responsible.  Also, I'm not actually looking for more stuff to complain about...

In case you are interested in some insight into our reasoning:

-We both agreed many years ago (i.e. long before we got married) that ideally we would like to have two kids, though DH jokes that "three is the new two" (and four and five, in some cases).  Though when we had to do IVF to get pg and opted for ICSI, we knew splits were much more likely, so we had to wrap our heads around the idea that there was an increased chance we could end up with even more than we transferred.  And after our harrowing journey to conceive and carry, we'd actually come to terms with just having one biological child (and then likely adopting another from India, which is an option to NRIs (non-resident Indians) like DH).  There are a lot of reasons why two, but it seemed like a good number to both of us.

More reasons:

-After nearly three years lost to TTC, I am AMA now.  While this is a somewhat arbitrary milestone, especially when you are using ART (bypassing some of the random chance involved in getting pg), it is what it is (where the lines of increasing birth defects and decreasing natural fertility typically cross).  I also believe in the medical recommendation to space pregnancies by at least 18 months for the best health of the mother and baby (and this assumes singletons), not to mention meeting their needs.  I'm nearly 37 and would be pushing 38 by the end of another pregnancy.

-We have never been able to get pg on our own and while we know it could certainly be possible (don't forget the BC fellow infertiles...), given what we know now about our dx, we certainly would not put a lot of weight on having a spontaneous (and more importantly successful) pregnancy without much assistance again, as quaint as that concept is to us now. 

So we'd likely need to use ART to conceive again (we've transferred all four of our embryos), and unless one of us gets a new job w/coverage, since we have used every last penny of our infertility insurance coverage, we would be OOP like we have been since our first IVF cycle in 2010.  While in reality cycling is much less expensive than actually having children, now we'd actually be taking from our existing children's future in an attempt to conceive again.  $20K now is $100K in 20 years...  Not cool IMO.

-While we're eternally grateful for our twins, and that they have each other, I would never transfer two again, though this makes each IVF cycle "more efficient".  I would also not advise anyone else to do so given the risks involved, in case you are wondering.  It has become so commonplace to do so the risks just get glossed over, and don't get me started on >2, though it is good to see that SET are becoming the new recommendation.  Humans are not designed to have litters of healthy children, there is a reason it very rarely happens naturally.  I'm certainly glad for people who beat the odds, which we barely did, but I know way too many who've had to bury their children or deal with a life of chronic health problems to think it's a good idea to prioritize embryos over healthy live babies.  I also know WAY too many people who wanted "just one more" and got two or three or more.  So be careful what you wish for, it is called too much of a good thing.

-While I'd somewhat reluctantly come to terms with the real/possible risks from cycling repeatedly to have a family at all, since we first decided to do IVF, I now have a 1st degree relative (my eldest sister) who has been treated for an aggressive reproductive cancer and IMO more cycling would be unwise, again because we have children for whom we are now responsible. 

-Given the complications of our twin pregnancy and the state of my cervix, I would have issues with another pregnancy, potentially requiring bed rest, and God only knows what else, and definitely requiring another cerc (this time, preventative @ 14w).  (Again) Our priority is to provide appropriate care for the kids we already have.  In an alternate life where I thought I needed to have another child, I would likely use a GC.

-Our shared general philosophy on child rearing is that it's best when not done en masse.  More kids = fewer resources (time, energy, money, etc.) for each and all.  Our top family priorities include meeting our kids' individual health/emotional/education needs and offering them valuable and varied travel/life experiences, while not sacrificing our own retirement and individual goals.

DH has one brother and I am one of four (five w/my step-sister, though she has trust funds) and I'll let you guess who had the better childhood.  I know this is not true for everyone, though I find it interesting how many people I know from large families who opt to have smaller ones based on their experiences, especially those down the line, though I know several people who feel like they already raised kids (i.e. their younger siblings) because their parents made poor choices and opt out completely.  Sad.

Obviously one's family and financial situation has some bearing on the equation, and we are able to offer much more stability than my family was when I was growing up, but from our observations no one really benefits when you have more children than you can physically, mentally, or financially afford to care for (or more than both partners want) and educate properly (be they special needs or high potential, as in my family).  Fortunately, as planned, we are each in a position where we could care for and afford our two kids on our own, if heaven forbid something were to happen to one of us. I learned a great deal, the hard way, from my parents mistakes. Getting married too young, making crapping decisions, having a bunch of kids (and more than one spouse wanted), and having no means of supporting them by yourself when it all heads south is probably not a great master plan.

-I will likely return to work, and we've been through unsuccessfully juggling cycling/pregnancy and working before (but before also having children) and are not keen on doing it again.

-After over three years of waiting, and many more in preparation, we are just ready to move on with and enjoy our lives as a family.

-Even if we did think we wanted more children, based on the above and the reality that our responsibility now lies with the children we have, I'd hope we'd have enough sense to count our blessings and move on...

How did you decide what was the "right" size of your family?  Has it changed over time?

16 months old

I'm not really sure where this month went, it seems like a few days ago was last month (so I clearly have no sense of time anymore).  Oh well, it is getting closer to summer, though we apparently have to get through monsoon season to get there. Good news is we got through this week's record setting rain (which was even worse than 2011) with a dry basement. Thank goodness.

We've been trying to busy ourselves with trips to the library for toddler time (music, stories, puppets, etc.). 

And swimming lessons, which I've learned are actually a dispensary for liquid Ambien.

We do get outside when we have some momentary nice weather. 
Boy, I wish we'd had last year's spring this year...

Thank goodness for the mall when the weather is crappy...  They adore fish, the library has a fake aquarium (it's like a video of a real one, weird), but thankfully the kid's shoe dept. at Nordie's has the real deal.

This guy is one of our favorites...

The kids like to tool around inside in their cozy coupes, his is the pick-up, which I never would have thought of buying, but it is pretty cool and she can sit in the back. But she likes to try to make the coupe a two seater.

When we get bored, we like to have fashion shows.  Mommy's Barbour vest almost fits... ;)

My babies are getting so so big. Happy 16 months kiddos!

For Boston...

That is our fight song, and fight we will
My first chosen home, from the scream tunnel to Heartbreak Hill
Yet another babe lost much too soon
His daddy running, likely over the moon

For Boylston, where I would work, shop, and play
So many memories, like my big birthday
It's a crime scene now, more innocence lost
It'll never be the same, too high a cost

A perfect day, then the unimaginable... (Kevin Cullen of the Globe)

Passing of the old guard and good advice

As Chicago mourns the passing of movie critic and Illinois son, Roger Ebert, and the world of politics, Margaret Thatcher, and the entertainment world, Annette Funicello, I came across a bit in Lilly Pulitzer's obituary in the Washington Post that caught my eye.

After having three kids in five years, she had a nervous breakdown and while in a mental hospital in NY recovering, a doctor told her she had to get a job.  He apparently told her, "you are not happy because you are not doing anything," she recounted to The New Yorker in 2000 (clearly she had plenty of help).  She said she always gave the same prescription to her friends, if they were bored, she'd open one of her stores in their town.

“I don’t know how to explain what it was like to run my business, the joy of every day,” she told Vanity Fair magazine in a story in 2003. “I got a kick every time I went into the shipping department. ... I loved seeing (the dresses) going out the door. I loved them selling in the shop. I liked them on the body. Everything. There’s no explaining the fun I had. "

I need to find something that makes me feel that way.  The joy that my children bring me is amazing, but as I always knew I would, I need to find and have something that is mine.  I am looking at a new consulting project, which will likely be full time for several months, but I'm wondering if I need to do something different.  You know something risky, that really stretches me and gets me out of my comfort zone.

Labels

So the time has finally come...  I've been presented with the first form (for the twins' preschool) which asks for their "race/ethnicity". 

It is probably one of the more universal experiences of dating/marriage/life to wonder what one's kids will look like, though when you and your DH are of different backgrounds, you really wonder what combination of features will win out.  Mari definitely looks more like DH (and that hair), while Alistair looks more like me (though he has his daddy's coloring). 

Not knowing many Indian/white couples with children, in the years we waited to become parents, I used to "joke" w/DH that they would probably just look like they are Hispanic (w/dark hair and olive skin), and while they kind of do, they aren't.  He likes to call them "pretanned", though Mari is as fair as me if not more.  DH is pretty fair, for an Indian, though he photographs darker than he is.  I'm what I affectionately call a "Euromutt" or "EFG" (English, French, German, though not necessarily in that order). 

"Biracial" or "mixed race" sound antiquated and strange to me, but maybe I just don't like labels.  Yeah, I definitely don't like labels.  Maybe "Caucasian, heavy on the Asian" or "Eurasian" or "White/Asian"/"Whindian" or maybe just "Adorable"? ;)