Tiger Mom strikes again

I just finished "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" (out in early 2011, now in paperback, and a quick and easy read), and I guess I can see why it was so controversial given traditional American parenting styles (which would peg her as crazy and verbally abusive), but it is a satirical memoir, not a parenting handbook.  People take memoirs so seriously.  She (author Amy Chua) has a new book coming out next month which is already making waves.

She and her husband  (fellow Yale law professor, Jed Rubenfeld) have coauthored a book called  "The Triple Package..." about the three traits that they've found (in their research and from other data) make for success.  The "controversial" part of this one is they've singled out particular ethnic/religious/immigrant groups in America who they've found tend to possess these traits, which conveniently they are both a part.  But "The Bell Curve" it does not seem to be, since they aren't talking about inherent ability differing by group necessarily, but rather traits potentially anyone could adopt, which is why I don't get the controversy.  Except that she has baggage from her last book (which was a bit braggadocios for me, but that's obviously just her personality).

The groups of American they single out are heavily immigrant (big surprise):  Indians (yay!), Iranians, Lebanese-Americans, Mormons, Jews, Cuban exiles, Nigerians, and Chinese-Americans.

 

The three traits they've identified are: superiority complex, insecurity, and impulse control.  

I'm not anything but an honorary member of any of these groups (euromutt/WASP right here), but given my journeys from early childhood with a Jewish step-mother (and hard driving dad to counter my prep mother), Indian immigrant husband (and ex-BF, among other good friends), a stereotypical second-gen Chinese college roommate, and other long term exes who were a Cuban exile and second-gen Lebanese-American, I probably know more than most of the other people commenting on a book that is yet to be released as to what goes into the theory.
 

I'm not sure what they cover in the book, but of those I know in these groups they have a long basically unquestioned cultural heritage of valuing education, excellence, family, discipline and hard work.  There is no coincidence that the two highest earning groups in the U.S. (Jews and Indians) are also those who have the highest educational attainment.  Several of these groups also have a cultural history of persecution, which can be a unique cultural drive (to overcome obstacles, be resilient, etc.) for generations.  Many of these groups are also very insular, as are many immigrant groups, which is not always a good trait, but if they are successful and then look to their own peers to socialize, marry and hire, it is a self perpetuating cycle, even given their small numbers.  The largest of these groups is only a few percent of the total population.

The ability to pair the thought that you can do anything, and well (superiority) paired which the feeling that you aren't ever quite good enough no matter how good you are (insecurity) and a unique (anti-modern American) ability to put off immediate gratification for the long term benefit (impulse control) is a powerful combination that can bring uncommon success.

As the blurb suggests, and as she did in Tiger Mom, they delve into the pros and cons of these traits.  The moral of Tiger Mom is you can have really successful kids if you are strict, but if it doesn't meld with your kid's personality, it can backfire.  She always gives the flip side of her mantra, a bit of an out.  This may be what makes her somewhat palatable, but people still criticize her like crazy.  But she's laughing all the way to the bank...  Looking forward to checking this one out...

What Drives Success? (NYT, 1//25/14)
The Problem with the Triple Package... (The Atlantic, 1/28/14)

A Peaceable Kingdom

As I've mentioned before, I try to keep my posts with tons of interior design pics pulled from magazines/the internet to a minimum.  I just don't find them very original.  The posts, not the pics.  I make exceptions for friends, people I've gone to school with, or otherwise find worthy of breaking my rule. 

Emilia Fanjul Pfeifler was a year ahead of me in college (her father is literally a sugar daddy, and an old friend of my ex's family), and her family's weekend home on Long Island has just been featured in Vogue, so I thought I'd share.  It would have been nice to see more of the inside, instead of just the descriptions in the article, but such is Vogue.  Enjoy...

"More Toys"

So the kids might be in shock from having a week go by when it is neither their birthday nor Christmas, as this is one of Mari's new favorite things to say...  I wish I could say I was just proud that she keeps putting new words together (that make sense).  It is cute to hear, until she keeps repeating it and you start to wonder...

Am I capable of raising a Veruca Salt?

Do you ever struggle with knowing how much is enough and when it is too much when it comes to your kids?  Not love or attention (obviously), but things, stuff...

I tend to just go with my gut and usually that means a bit less is more, but I know this will just become more challenging the older they get.  I grew up in a middle class family (as did DH), but we are better off (and have a smaller family) than our parents, and I do worry sometimes about the dreaded "affluenza".  I do think it is possible to teach your kids good values while not depriving them materially, but it is a delicate balance.  No one wants to be responsible for raising spoiled brats.

I know there are many who have more and less than we do as far as material tangible things for the kids, but I think as a conscious parent you can only wonder is it all too much or maybe just enough.  Much of what they have in the way of toys have actually been gifts from generous family, friends, colleagues (including what ended up being a haul from their first birthday party, yet another reason we don't need to do that every year).  I make an effort to not buy them things they don't really "need" and instead save more for their futures.  This makes me feel better.  It takes effort in our materialistic world to focus on what's most important (for us that's an emphasis on top notch health, education, experiences, etc.) and try to dial down some of the rest.

We are both looking forward to when they are a bit older and we can volunteer more as a family and teach them the value of giving back and about how so many people are less fortunate.  And that they have a responsibility to not only help others but to be humble in their good luck of being born into our family (as we are lucky to have them).  Hopefully, that will help...  The wild thing about parenting is you don't really know for sure if you've done well, until it is too late...

Teach Kids to be Grateful, Give them Less -from The Atlantic (1/6/14)

A New Big Year

Happy New Year! 

First of all, can I ask how the heck is it 2014?!  I've been out of college almost (ahem) 15 years, and HS nearly (cough) 20, and I can remember thinking about 2000 being so great, but honestly I don't think I thought much beyond that.  But here we are...

I'm really looking forward to this being a great year for us (no jinx, please).  The kids are doing well, and I know they are going to love preschool.  As you know, I hemmed and hawed on this forever (the when and where), but now that they are walking and talking, more independent, and craving more stimulation, and we found a school we like, they are starting next week.  At first, there was only room for them one day a week (it is four hours, from 9-1, which includes play, music, reading, and (a packed) snack and lunch), which I thought would be fine since the preschool that I'm looking at for fall is 2 days/9-11a (so also four hours total/wk).  But then space on the second day opened up and we decided to go for it. 

Eight whole hours a week to myself, can you even imagine?  I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it honestly.

Other things on our radar this year for the kids are things like: potty training (Mari's already talking about it and sitting and trying), moving to big kid beds (w/new décor), losing the binks (Mari is down to sleeping only, though she'd use it all the time, if we'd let her), and continuing speech therapy.  Between therapy, preschool, and continuing our music and toddler class, we'll have just one week day completely off of any scheduled activities.

Me and Mari (on the left) selling everyone on the music class, from the cover of the latest park district catalogue... (A is wandering off screen)

With some time to myself, and more importantly the kids out of the house, I have some work to do.  On me and on the house.  Things that have been put off for a long time.  I joined a great gym last summer, after the kids dropped their second nap, and thankfully they really like the awesome childcare center, but I haven't gotten really serious about getting my strength back.  Fortunately for me, weight is not an issue (I somehow have every problem with pregnancy that is unusual, and almost none of the ones that are normal), but I'm still not very strong.  I'm still figuring out what I want to do on the work front, but that's a whole other post.  Hopefully I'll be doing more reading, other things I enjoy, and generally be less pressed for time to get things done.

And the house, our house.  We just marked eight years here, and after all that we've done we haven't been doing much lately besides maintenance, it just isn't worth it when so much else is going on and us all at home most days.  This year, we got a new steam clothes dryer (LOVE) when our old/new since we moved in one died and are finally getting a new garage door/opener (as we were planning), as it also recently bit the dust (during the worst weather of the year, of course.  Well, in keeping with the theme of the season (the kids got a lot of food/kitchen/shopping stuff for Christmas and DH (the cook in our family) got some new small appliances (since all our Cuisinarts from our wedding have been nothing but a disappointment over time), we are FINALLY planning our new kitchen.

Our kitchen is unfortunately small (a walk-through galley with an open side), which I've recently taken to calling a "take out" kitchen, so while the style has been fine (and one of the things I didn't need to change as soon as we moved in), we need to maximize our usable space by having cabinets to the ceiling and adding a larger china/storage wall (where we currently have a freestanding china cabinet).  The cottage style will remain basically the same: white cabinets/appliances, grey counters, with a tile backsplash (though the tan, blue, white mosaic will likely be replaced by a new blue only).  I'm hoping/planning for a reno at this point to not be totally disruptive to our lives, as that is the only way it can happen. 

Other smaller projects, like painting the mud/laundry room, an accent wall in the LR (and maybe in A's room) and all of Mari's room are also on tap.  We are still working on making our home office as usable a space as possible.  It, like our guest room, has unfortunately become a drop space for things, since the basement is yet to be refinished since the flooding in 2011.  We also plan to do more work on our bathroom this year.

We managed to squeeze a lot of travel in this year, NYC/the Hamptons, Boston, and India, among smaller trips.  But next year will likely be more low key.  A summer beach trip (to the Cape/Islands) and teaching the kids to ski.  It would be great to make it out to see family in SoCal, but that may be a next year trip.

I hope 2014 is your best year yet!! :)

Me and The City

One of the gifts DH gave me this year was a weekend in the city (sans stroller, as he put it).  Since this past weekend was a veritable heat wave around these parts, I decided to go ahead and "cash it in" before the New Year.  Why waste time, right?

I got a nice hotel on Hotwire (The Whitehall) and finally booked my massage at The Peninsula.  I wore real clothes, ate at nice restaurants (Fred's, Ralph's, etc) and shopped the north end of the Mile, though I didn't buy much.  I didn't even tell my city friends I was coming in, since the idea was to give my introverted self some breathing room from never being alone.  I haven't done a very good job of meeting my goal of "balance" this year.  Next year will be better...

What some people don't understand about big cities, is they are about carving out your own little space and getting lost in the sea of many.  I love the anonymity.  I read some books (the latest by Malcolm Gladwell and Elizabeth Gilbert, which I recommend) and walked a lot and sat and soaked it all in.  Sometimes you just need to be by yourself (in a city of millions) and trade caregiver for doing nothing much to get back to center.

Enjoying the fireplace at RL...

Happy New Year!  

The Twins are Two Years Old

Merry Christmas!!  Hope you are having a restful holiday.

The twins turned two on the 20th, and we spent the day celebrating at home, then visiting the pedi and having lunch out in the city, and driving up to WI (nearly seven hours) to see the fam, and then celebrating with all of them. It was a good long busy day.

The advantage to having their birthday during Christmas week is not buying them less than if they weren't near each other (of course), it is just buying a bunch of presents at once and then choosing a handful for their birthday. Terribly creative, I know. They were a hit too. Mari's favorite is her first "baby", a doll that I chose since I thought it looked a lot like her with brown hair/eyes, though she is "supposed" to look Hispanic.  Alistair loves everything, my easy going boy, especially his shape sorter (which always seems to be on the Spanish setting).

Our pedi visit was uneventful (no issues, no shots) especially since everyone is walking and talking since our last well child visit six months ago. They have both changed so much in the last few months, which is why we decided it was time for them to go to school. We also had their hearing checked recently and it seems they just ignore me on purpose. They are both just hairs shy of 3' tall (OMG) and they weigh what seems like a lot, though it is only about 25 lbs. Their heights (and heads) are in the 90th percentiles, and their weights are 30-40%, which puts them in the 5th %ile relative to each other.

They eat a lot (and very well), especially Mari, and are still on whole milk (since they don't have a weight issue, which is what gets littles on low fat), since the fat is good for their brain development and calcium absorption. So they must have inherited whatever metabolic issue I can claim as one of my key life advantages.

The complete two year rundown:

Alistair
24 months: 25 lbs. 6 ozs., 35.75", head: 50 cm.
18 months: 23 lbs. 12 ozs., 33.5", head: 49.25 cm.
15 months: 21 lbs. 12 ozs., 32.75", head: 48.5 cm.
12 months: 20 lbs. 10 ozs., 31"
Nine months: 19 lbs. 5 ozs., 29 1/2", head: 46.1 cm.
Six months: 16 lbs. 15.5 ozs, 27 3/4", head: 44.7 cm.
Four months: 14 lbs., 25", head: 42.2 cm.
Two months: 10 lbs. 2 ozs., 22 1/2", head: 39.5 cm.
Three weeks: 6 lbs. 9 ozs.
Two weeks: 5 lbs. 15 ozs. (he surpasses her for the 1st time)
One week: 5 lbs. 6 ozs.
Four days/hospital release: 5 lbs. 2 ozs.
Birth @ 36w4d (breech/IUGR?): 5 lbs. 7 ozs. (5%), 18.25" (10%)

Marielle
24 months: 24 lbs. 12 ozs., 35.5", head: 49 cm.
18 months: 22 lbs. 2 ozs., 33", head: 49 cm.
15 months: 20 lbs. 1 oz., 32", head: 49 cm.
12 months: 18 lbs. 8 ozs., 29 1/2"
Nine months: 16 lbs. 11 ozs., 28", head: 44.9 cm.
Six months: 14 lbs. 10 ozs.,26 1/4", head: 43 cm.
Four months: 12 lbs. 7 ozs., 24 1/2", head: 41.2 cm.
Two months: 9 lbs. 9 ozs., 21 3/4", head: 38.7 cm.
Three weeks: 6 lbs. 7 ozs. (finally surpasses BW)
Two weeks: 5 lbs. 12 ozs.
One week: 5 lbs. 7 ozs.
Four days/hospital release: 5 lbs. 3 ozs. (unexplained 14% weight loss, day one)
Birth @ 36w4d: 6 lbs. 1 oz., 19" (25%)

So no big party like last year, thank goodness, it'll be awhile before we go back there (kicking and screaming).  Big parties for little kids are for adults (as we know), so I decided not to go there with all we had going on this season and instead focused on what they do like: balloons, cupcakes, and their cousins.

I got them big gold "2" balloons  (among others) from Party City, and since they are learning their numbers and how to talk, they can say "two" and it is the cutest.

I made cupcakes from a mix (the horror) from Whole Foods, which was AMAZING.  It is called European Gourmet Bakery mix and we had both the vanilla and chocolate (cake and frosting).  Again AMAZING.  And organic (cuz I'm a freak like that).  Add organic eggs, milk and butter and enjoy.

Decorations (which amounted to cupcake liners (big and mini) and décor (picks and pinwheels)) from Meri Meri (like last year) from Sur la Table in Toot Sweet, which is the most adorable design.

They are really expert gift openers now and had so much fun celebrating turning two (and Christmas) with their cousins.  Happy Birthday kiddos!!

*The kids' shirts are from Old Navy



A Passage to India

We made it to India and back, but since this is not a vanity blog, I figured I'd spill the dirt on how things really went down. In hindsight, while I never really considered it an optional trip, since it was to take the kids to visit DH's family, I wish that we had spent as much time contemplating whether it was actually a wise decision to go at all, as I ended up spending preparing us for the reality that we were in fact going...

Kicking it at O'Hare

The kids actually did pretty well, much better than I even expected them to do, which is a testament not only to them, but the adaptability of toddlers generally, I guess. They didn't suffer terribly for the jet lag going over (there is a whopping 11 1/2 hour time difference), though we are struggling more than we probably should be (as it is supposed to be easier going West) now.  We are just now (over a week later) getting back on a good sleeping schedule.  I read some of the travel tips from the travel clinic (where the kids and I got a typhoid shots and meds for malaria and TD before we left) after we were already en route (my bad), so I didn't get the melatonin they say can sometimes help with that.

As anyone with kids knows, taking them on the road in any fashion just takes your routine and makes it more complicated and difficult to adhere to. And if there is one tip I have for anyone contemplating children (and especially multiples) is to live by the routine, it will save you (even though it may seem like a pain) and your kids will (hopefully) be as happy as mine are with theirs.

Anywho, if you are not familiar with travel to "developing" countries, among many other rules, you can't drink or brush your teeth with tap water, so we use(d) bottled. And in the kids' case, you are also not recommended to bathe them or wash their dishes in it. This obviously adds time/effort to the routine. We tried both boiled (and obviously cooled) water and then iodine added (and then evaporated) for their baths and washed their dishes in boiled water. We fed them almost entirely at home, which helps lessen the likelihood of food borne illness, and they miraculously made it through the trip without getting sick at all. MAJOR VICTORY! (Though in full disclosure they were both sick the week before we left)

Sadly, DH and I weren't so lucky. He got sick soon after we arrived and was very ill for the first several days (including his bday).  I was on a similar trajectory and even with the meds I brought over (and three drs. visits in six days for many many more) an infection took pretty good hold of my body and it was Thanksgiving (over halfway into our trip), before I started to get any relief and feel even remotely human. At one point I was laying in bed, as I had to do most of the time, was nearly delirious from the pain and wishing not only for my own demise, but cursing DH (for bringing us there), and the whole of India (for always making me sick). Not exactly a high point.

We bought the kids their own seats on the flights, which is the only way to fly IMO. We brought their travel car seats, the CR top rated and wonderfully light (and inexpensive) Cosco Sceneras, which they kind of inexplicably love. We brought their workhorse Maclaren Twin Techno stroller and (since they were gifted) the lovely Fjallraven Kanken backpacks (which fit perfectly in the stroller storage) as busy/carry on bags. We flew Lufthansa, which was generally satisfactory but unremarkable, though as DH always notes you must fly international carriers (rather than U.S. domestic) when flying abroad, as the booze is free in coach. (ah, the important things...)  It worked out that there were four of us, as on three of the four legs, we were on 747s, which have four seats in the middle, so we reserved and commanded the entire row, with the kids facing us in the middle seats and each of us on the aisle. The other leg, we were in continuous rows in a similar fashion.

The kids got to see Grandma again, since she left when they were five months old, and meet their uncle and new aunt and baby cousin for the first time, not via Skype.  Mari was a huge fan of her baby cousin, her constant refrain around the house was "baby, baby, baby..."  She also had a major language explosion while we were there and has so many words now.  There was a naming ceremony/party for the baby, which, unbeknownst to me, our kids were included in too, since they obviously hadn't had one of their own yet, which resulted in a heap of generous, yet many much to big to transport easily, gifts, that I was not expecting. DH's mom comes from a very big family, and since they now live in the town where she is from, after raising DH in Bombay, they are all nearby. The party, for immediate family, topped out at 150 or so.

The baby's name is Raayna, changed at the last minute from (my preferred spelling) Raina, which is pronounced "Rye-na" rather than "Ray-na". She is a cutie pie and in the three weeks we were there (starting when she was four months old) she really changed a lot, starting to roll and generally be more and more adorable. She is chubbier than my kids could have ever dreamed of being and I honestly barely remember my kids being such little squishy peanuts.  I got my baby fix, but am so so glad we are forever done...

  

While DH's family is lovely, few of them speak English, so it is sadly difficult for me to get into much of the socialization aspect of going to India.  This was my third trip (the first was for our wedding, the second after FIL's passing), and our longest and most unscheduled.  We didn't get out much on this trip, for logistically reasons, so when we did, it was nice.  I don't do well as a shut in. 

We went to Sula Vineyards on Thanksgiving, which was nice since I love and missed Thanksgiving with my family and I was just starting to feel better.  We had talked about staying over at their resort (sans kids) after we decided against going to the Maldives on this trip, but they book out several months in advance, and it wouldn't have worked out anyway given the kids wouldn't sleep on the trip without us.  Nashik is the "Napa Valley of India", so this has been an increasingly large part of their tourism industry (it is also a religiously significant city, so that accounts for much as well). 

Our vineyard pics are still trapped on my DSLR, so these are all Iphone pics...

Another highlight was when two of DH's best friends from childhood made the trip from Bombay to visit.  It was a meeting of the Alistairs...

  

We also made it to the mall to visit one of favorite stores there, Fabindia.  I had found some pillows for our room on a previous trip, so I figured it was a good stop for looking for textiles for the kids' big kid rooms.  I found a great sari bolster cover and shams for Mari that I think will be a good start as I start mulling over ideas.

MIL may come back in the spring, though I have no idea when we'll be going back to India.  DH would like to go every year, but every other is probably more doable since it takes so much time.  I don't know if/when I'm going back honestly, so he may take them himself when they are four (I'll be on an island somewhere).  BIL has repeatedly gotten turned down for a U.S. visa, he missed our wedding here, but he is going to try again.  What will most likely happen is that we'll meet up in Europe every few years, with various visits all the way interspersed between.

So, long story short, India kicked our asses, but we're back and raring to go for the twins' birthdays, more travel, Christmas, New Year's, and back to (pre)school (for the first time)!

Happy Holidays!!