My mom is now on her way to come stay with me until Monday, after making arrangements (including renting another hospital bed) so that my grandmother can stay at my sister's house in her absence. I'm not sure yet when S is coming home, but he's decided that since all the things that require his in-person signature are done (we now officially own a condo in Nashik, India, where his brother and mother will live, well that should come in handy) that he will try to come home as soon as he can even though I told him to stay if he needs to. Regardless, it will likely be several days before he makes it home.
I am obviously still mourning the loss not only of our baby, but also of all the dreams I had for it and us and the fortune that I thought had finally befallen us after all that we've been through. But I'm also not one to spend a lot of time dwelling on things I can't control and have already happened, but looking to the future and what I can impact to come. Obviously, I'm not in a great frame of mind, but I'm having a hard time coming up with a lot of things going in our favor right now. Some of our issues:
Our age: I'm not sure how this happened (DH jokingly likes to tell me that he can explain the concept of time to me, yet again), but I will be 35 in September and DH is already there. I was just shy of 30 when we got married and had just turned 32 when we started TTC in earnest. Our plan (which seems so comical and naive now) was to have two kids by the time I turned 35, but now we will have exactly zero. The question is how long into the AMA zone do we press our luck? Fortunately, my ovaries seem to be relatively compliant, while not overly enthusiastic.
Our frozen embryos/blasts: There are two of them, but I don't know anything else about their status besides this. I believe they are stored together. I am not really worried about getting pg again, as we know we can, but we don't have a lot of wiggle room before having to do another fresh cycle (see IF insurance).
Our IF insurance: This is relatively simple, it's basically just gone. The last charge for my IVF cycle ($12K) hasn't gone through yet and we have less than this remaining. It's "pended" still, which makes me nervous. My clinic had us pay for our IVF meds OOP, as when they saw our remaining benefits, they knew that they would use them up leaving not enough for our meds. If we have any pennies of our $15K lifetime IF coverage left, it would go towards a FET cycle which would otherwise cost us $3-4K OOP, and then we are back to square one, with absolutely no IF coverage.
Our best shot then is for me to get a new job, with IF coverage. But honestly, as much as I hate my job, am finally getting close to the end of my indentured servitude, and am really good at starting over every 2-3 years, it will take just about everything I have (and maybe more) to even contemplate getting out into the job market at this point. And then I'm just putting myself in a new situation where I'll have to explain to yet more people that we have issues that require me to miss work, but with no tenure or banked time. I am so tired of being apathetic about my work and having yet another major aspect of my life that is so unfruitful and frustrating.
Possible other problems: Probably most disturbing is that it's not just about getting pg again, but staying pg and if there is something wrong with me that will keep this from being successful. I was concerned about our baby when I first got to studying the photos from the first u/s. Why no big baby head like I see everywhere? I actually had numerous nightmares over Christmas that our baby had anencephaly (how I even knew what this was, I have absolutely no idea.) Then I miscarried, which gave me the "benefit" of an up close and personal look at our fetus. The baby's head does not appear to be the way it was supposed to be, which suggests a neural tubal defect.
Since I've been on PNV for three years, long before we were TTC (on top of eating really well), I'm clearly taking in enough folic acid, but the question is, was the baby getting it? In looking into what can impede absorption of folate they are typically autoimmune disorders like celiac (which causes UE IF/recurrent m/c) and things like a MTHFR mutation (ditto). I'm looking into getting tested for these. We obviously don't have the luxury of time or extra embryos to wait to lose more babies, so I have push to get these and maybe other blood tests (and likely pay for them OOP) before we cycle again.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
14 hours later...
I didn't know what to call this post, as I have but a few wits about me now that I've gotten only a few hours sleep in the last day and a half.
It all happened really quickly, I was pregnant and then I just wasn't. Last night I wasn't feeling well, which isn't anything new, but it was worse/different than normal. I was nauseous and tired and just wanted to go to bed when I got home from work. I ate some dinner and tried to fall asleep, which I did for a few hours. Then when I got up to go to the bathroom @ ~11:30 I was really uncomfortable and started having more discharge than normal. Then I had the first tiny bit of blood. I knew not to panic, as honestly I was expecting some at some point, if not I would have been the luckiest IVFer in the world to not see any. I figured up to now I was either really lucky or on borrowed time. I was also well aware of the fact that the majority of IVF ladies who got pg when I did, had already lost their babies. :(
I called the clinic to leave a msg. to get in today for an u/s to make sure everything was okay (something I was toying with this week anyway, being a week into our three week wait until our scheduled OB appt. in Jan). Then I went to the bathroom again, and our baby was just sitting on my pantyliner and then I started gushing. I can honestly say that this is the only good thing about this whole situation. That I got to see him/her, and say goodbye. I know that's probably sounds really hokey, but it's like they say about an open casket at a funeral, it helps give you closure (whatever that is). Our little fetus (I can't believe and am so thankful we actually made it this far) was so small, it was really amazing to think that just over a week before we'd seen its tiny heart beating and I had been reading about how all its organs were present and it was starting to move around.
But that was last week, when I was pregnant and my husband was in the country. I called him and thankfully didn't have too much trouble reaching him (after calling the house and talking to his mom, I reached him out on his cell). I can only imagine that harder than being here alone and making the call, would be receiving it and not being able to do anything. He is looking into earlier return flights, but honestly there isn't much he can do for me here/now and my mom is coming this weekend. We've been on the phone constantly since.
After I passed the baby, I paged the RE, and the IVF nurse called me back ~1am. She'd only gotten the msg. that I was bleeding, not that I had passed the baby. She was very kind and spent a lot of time on the phone with me and told me to call when the office opened @ 6:30 (where she also left word) and get in to see the Dr. right away.
I laid awake all night alternating between laying in bed (with a huge pad, heat and towel) trying to relax between cramps and going to the bathroom when my uterus would over the next several hours empty itself of all its contents. When I went to the RE for my u/s at 8:30, everything but my still thick lining was gone. I can't say enough about the awesome nurses and Dr. D at AF, they are really the best. But we were all so discombobulated after the u/s and discussions about what to do with the fetus (where to send it and what tests would be done), they sent me off before taking my blood tests and vitals. Fortunately, since I was too out of it to turn around when I thought of it, I got their messages before I got halfway home and went back and had everything else done.
We opted for "experimental" (scan) chromosomal testing, as the standard procedure (tissue growth) is typically done when the fetus and placenta are "fresh" from a D&C (which the RE told me I could do, though he didn't recommend it, and there seems little point to this now). Sadly the placenta is what would have been really helpful to have, but alas this was already gone.
The nurse has since called and my HCG is 16,503 which they will have to track down to zero over the coming weeks. My heart rate, which is usually very low ~50s- so Drs. always assume that I'm a runner, was over a 100, and with all the blood loss the Dr. gave me an Rx for heavy duty iron pills. If it had been over 120 and he was talking blood transfusions... I guess my CBC was fine, but my WBC count was 15 indicating an infection, though they think it's just from the m/c but to watch my symptoms carefully. I'm just to push liquids and take it easy. Not a problem since my wonderful boss has told me to stay home the rest of the week.
I honestly knew this could happen, that it was a distinct possibility, even though at this point (the 9th week) the odds were really low. It's just amazing how quickly something that you've worked and planned so hard for (our three year, $30K baby), want and already love so much, can be so cruelly snatched away. Hopefully we'll get some answers from all the testing.
My chart at the clinic has now gone from septate uterus to female infertility to pregnancy with a history of infertility to missed abortion... Hoping we can get that turned around again in due course.
Thanks for listening. I'm putting together a new tab on this cycle, pregnancy, and miscarriage, since I think baby deserves it. I'll warn you now that I'm posting a picture I took of my little one and I hope it doesn't offend.
It all happened really quickly, I was pregnant and then I just wasn't. Last night I wasn't feeling well, which isn't anything new, but it was worse/different than normal. I was nauseous and tired and just wanted to go to bed when I got home from work. I ate some dinner and tried to fall asleep, which I did for a few hours. Then when I got up to go to the bathroom @ ~11:30 I was really uncomfortable and started having more discharge than normal. Then I had the first tiny bit of blood. I knew not to panic, as honestly I was expecting some at some point, if not I would have been the luckiest IVFer in the world to not see any. I figured up to now I was either really lucky or on borrowed time. I was also well aware of the fact that the majority of IVF ladies who got pg when I did, had already lost their babies. :(
I called the clinic to leave a msg. to get in today for an u/s to make sure everything was okay (something I was toying with this week anyway, being a week into our three week wait until our scheduled OB appt. in Jan). Then I went to the bathroom again, and our baby was just sitting on my pantyliner and then I started gushing. I can honestly say that this is the only good thing about this whole situation. That I got to see him/her, and say goodbye. I know that's probably sounds really hokey, but it's like they say about an open casket at a funeral, it helps give you closure (whatever that is). Our little fetus (I can't believe and am so thankful we actually made it this far) was so small, it was really amazing to think that just over a week before we'd seen its tiny heart beating and I had been reading about how all its organs were present and it was starting to move around.
But that was last week, when I was pregnant and my husband was in the country. I called him and thankfully didn't have too much trouble reaching him (after calling the house and talking to his mom, I reached him out on his cell). I can only imagine that harder than being here alone and making the call, would be receiving it and not being able to do anything. He is looking into earlier return flights, but honestly there isn't much he can do for me here/now and my mom is coming this weekend. We've been on the phone constantly since.
After I passed the baby, I paged the RE, and the IVF nurse called me back ~1am. She'd only gotten the msg. that I was bleeding, not that I had passed the baby. She was very kind and spent a lot of time on the phone with me and told me to call when the office opened @ 6:30 (where she also left word) and get in to see the Dr. right away.
I laid awake all night alternating between laying in bed (with a huge pad, heat and towel) trying to relax between cramps and going to the bathroom when my uterus would over the next several hours empty itself of all its contents. When I went to the RE for my u/s at 8:30, everything but my still thick lining was gone. I can't say enough about the awesome nurses and Dr. D at AF, they are really the best. But we were all so discombobulated after the u/s and discussions about what to do with the fetus (where to send it and what tests would be done), they sent me off before taking my blood tests and vitals. Fortunately, since I was too out of it to turn around when I thought of it, I got their messages before I got halfway home and went back and had everything else done.
We opted for "experimental" (scan) chromosomal testing, as the standard procedure (tissue growth) is typically done when the fetus and placenta are "fresh" from a D&C (which the RE told me I could do, though he didn't recommend it, and there seems little point to this now). Sadly the placenta is what would have been really helpful to have, but alas this was already gone.
The nurse has since called and my HCG is 16,503 which they will have to track down to zero over the coming weeks. My heart rate, which is usually very low ~50s- so Drs. always assume that I'm a runner, was over a 100, and with all the blood loss the Dr. gave me an Rx for heavy duty iron pills. If it had been over 120 and he was talking blood transfusions... I guess my CBC was fine, but my WBC count was 15 indicating an infection, though they think it's just from the m/c but to watch my symptoms carefully. I'm just to push liquids and take it easy. Not a problem since my wonderful boss has told me to stay home the rest of the week.
I honestly knew this could happen, that it was a distinct possibility, even though at this point (the 9th week) the odds were really low. It's just amazing how quickly something that you've worked and planned so hard for (our three year, $30K baby), want and already love so much, can be so cruelly snatched away. Hopefully we'll get some answers from all the testing.
My chart at the clinic has now gone from septate uterus to female infertility to pregnancy with a history of infertility to missed abortion... Hoping we can get that turned around again in due course.
Thanks for listening. I'm putting together a new tab on this cycle, pregnancy, and miscarriage, since I think baby deserves it. I'll warn you now that I'm posting a picture I took of my little one and I hope it doesn't offend.
It's over...
I've just lost our baby @ 8w2d. Somehow it didn't end up in the toilet, but on my pantiliner, and I've kept it in case they can do testing on it or something. Then I quickly passed presumably everything that was in there with the baby. I will write more when I get a chance.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Without great challenges, there can not be great victories
For anyone following my blog since I started in January (and even for those who have hopped on since), you know it's been quite the challenging year for us, to say the least. So as part of wrapping it up at the end of the year (how did this happen, BTW?), I've paged through my blog to help remind myself of all that we were up to this year. :)
Of course, the main focus of our year (and of this here blog) was the same as the last two. Getting us pregnant. And we did it! (and just in the nick of time). It took a few more surgeries and a few more cycles and few more doctors (and a lot more tests) and more than a few setbacks, but we finally did it. And for this, we are eternally grateful.
I skipped the year-end letter again this year, and we aren't announcing officially until February, but here are some other things we managed to do in 2010, in no particular order...
School:
I finished my executive business program at Notre Dame in February and took an interior design class for fun in the fall. I'm on hold for further classes now, due to my pending work travel schedule.
House:
Not much new this year, just bits here and there, after lots of big projects the last few. Our big feat was waiting patiently for a new exterior paint job (which we got courtesy of the HOA in late summer) and we are still working on our radon issue that we discovered this year. Most mitigation systems actually lower the value of the property, so we are still debating exactly what to do about this. Next project, the nursery. :)
After an unnecessarily long refi process, we closed on a 15 year fixed mortgage at the beginning of the year and have since saved a ton on interest (which will be fun at tax time) and paid off a good chunk of our remaining principle. Five years ago, our plan was for this to be our seven year house, but given the unexpected delays in starting our family and the eroding housing market, we are sitting tight for now. Thankfully, we've got plenty of room to grow. :)
Health:
Not a great year on the health front, as I was on a ridiculous amount of meds and had tons of awful s/e (ironically entirely from my two surgeries, rather than IVF). I had a random health scare in August that led to all sorts of trouble and then the mammogram in Sept. While we ended up okay, it was a tough run. The good news is we've conceived what we plan to be all of our children (before 35!) and don't plan to undergo any further treatments, with a likely FET in late 2012.
Family:
It was a really tough year for us on the family front. We lost S's dad very unexpectedly, which was made all the more tragic that we had all been waiting for a baby for them to come all the way from India to visit us again. My grandma K was dx with terminal cancer and my sister S was dx with stage 1 cancer.
Travel:
This got skimped on this year with all we had going on. We made a work trip for DH into a ski trip in March and did our best at Deer Valley in Utah. We made another work trip for me to NYC into an IF trip to see Dr. David in June. Our only "real" vacation was our week on the Cape and Islands when I was post-op in August, but this was sadly overshadowed by my own and family health issues. What was supposed to be a vacation to India (and the Maldives), was instead a funeral trip. Since I took my LOA from work for IVF unpaid, I was able to roll over the one allowed week of PTO to next year (for a total of 7, so maybe we'll take a mini-vaca before baby?) and have cashed out the other.
Money:
We opened another 529, this time for baby S, paid off the last of my student loans, and stepped up our savings and retirement contributions to the Roth IRA and 401Ks. We've been making double payments on both our new cars for the last year and are on track to have them paid off at the end of 2011, as to rid ourselves on all non-mortgage debt and give us a cushion for me to stay home and spend time with baby.
Charity:
I was nominated and served on the executive committee of one of my fave NPO's board through the end of the summer, which was a huge time commitment, then I opted to take a one year leave of absence from the board starting this fall.
Work:
Through no fault of my own, stagnation is the name of the game on this one (my sales campaign has been pushed back, yet again), which is one of the many reasons why I will be leaving my high paying, but highly unfulfilling and frustrating, job after I cash out on my mat leave next fall.
DH's industry is not doing great in this economy, but despite this he has had some big wins at work (often against his old firm ;)) and is well positioned to have a good 2011.
Now on to the new year when we have few set plans other than to have a hopefully healthy baby (and a newly minted U.S. citizen husband!) and enjoy life! :)
Of course, the main focus of our year (and of this here blog) was the same as the last two. Getting us pregnant. And we did it! (and just in the nick of time). It took a few more surgeries and a few more cycles and few more doctors (and a lot more tests) and more than a few setbacks, but we finally did it. And for this, we are eternally grateful.
I skipped the year-end letter again this year, and we aren't announcing officially until February, but here are some other things we managed to do in 2010, in no particular order...
School:
I finished my executive business program at Notre Dame in February and took an interior design class for fun in the fall. I'm on hold for further classes now, due to my pending work travel schedule.
House:
Not much new this year, just bits here and there, after lots of big projects the last few. Our big feat was waiting patiently for a new exterior paint job (which we got courtesy of the HOA in late summer) and we are still working on our radon issue that we discovered this year. Most mitigation systems actually lower the value of the property, so we are still debating exactly what to do about this. Next project, the nursery. :)
After an unnecessarily long refi process, we closed on a 15 year fixed mortgage at the beginning of the year and have since saved a ton on interest (which will be fun at tax time) and paid off a good chunk of our remaining principle. Five years ago, our plan was for this to be our seven year house, but given the unexpected delays in starting our family and the eroding housing market, we are sitting tight for now. Thankfully, we've got plenty of room to grow. :)
Health:
Not a great year on the health front, as I was on a ridiculous amount of meds and had tons of awful s/e (ironically entirely from my two surgeries, rather than IVF). I had a random health scare in August that led to all sorts of trouble and then the mammogram in Sept. While we ended up okay, it was a tough run. The good news is we've conceived what we plan to be all of our children (before 35!) and don't plan to undergo any further treatments, with a likely FET in late 2012.
Family:
It was a really tough year for us on the family front. We lost S's dad very unexpectedly, which was made all the more tragic that we had all been waiting for a baby for them to come all the way from India to visit us again. My grandma K was dx with terminal cancer and my sister S was dx with stage 1 cancer.
Travel:
This got skimped on this year with all we had going on. We made a work trip for DH into a ski trip in March and did our best at Deer Valley in Utah. We made another work trip for me to NYC into an IF trip to see Dr. David in June. Our only "real" vacation was our week on the Cape and Islands when I was post-op in August, but this was sadly overshadowed by my own and family health issues. What was supposed to be a vacation to India (and the Maldives), was instead a funeral trip. Since I took my LOA from work for IVF unpaid, I was able to roll over the one allowed week of PTO to next year (for a total of 7, so maybe we'll take a mini-vaca before baby?) and have cashed out the other.
Money:
We opened another 529, this time for baby S, paid off the last of my student loans, and stepped up our savings and retirement contributions to the Roth IRA and 401Ks. We've been making double payments on both our new cars for the last year and are on track to have them paid off at the end of 2011, as to rid ourselves on all non-mortgage debt and give us a cushion for me to stay home and spend time with baby.
Charity:
I was nominated and served on the executive committee of one of my fave NPO's board through the end of the summer, which was a huge time commitment, then I opted to take a one year leave of absence from the board starting this fall.
Work:
Through no fault of my own, stagnation is the name of the game on this one (my sales campaign has been pushed back, yet again), which is one of the many reasons why I will be leaving my high paying, but highly unfulfilling and frustrating, job after I cash out on my mat leave next fall.
DH's industry is not doing great in this economy, but despite this he has had some big wins at work (often against his old firm ;)) and is well positioned to have a good 2011.
Now on to the new year when we have few set plans other than to have a hopefully healthy baby (and a newly minted U.S. citizen husband!) and enjoy life! :)
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Eight weeks and five years...
Eight weeks pregnant
I have mixed feelings about belly pics, but I guess I need to get over this. Enjoy the VPL, nice. I'm feeling decent, really tired and passing spells of nausea, but nothing I can't handle.
Five years ago today, we closed on our house (our first together :) ), and a few days later we got engaged. DH wanted to wait for the anniversary of our first date to propose, but I remember being kind of annoyed that we hadn't yet made it official. It was just a formality, since we'd been attached at the hip practically since we met.
So that means it's been six years since we first met. My how much has happened since then...
I have mixed feelings about belly pics, but I guess I need to get over this. Enjoy the VPL, nice. I'm feeling decent, really tired and passing spells of nausea, but nothing I can't handle.
Five years ago today, we closed on our house (our first together :) ), and a few days later we got engaged. DH wanted to wait for the anniversary of our first date to propose, but I remember being kind of annoyed that we hadn't yet made it official. It was just a formality, since we'd been attached at the hip practically since we met.
So that means it's been six years since we first met. My how much has happened since then...
Monday, December 27, 2010
Quiet calm
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Home Alone
Can you believe it's been 20 years since this movie came out? Anyway... It's been a looong time since I was home alone for any significant length of time. S went to India for three weeks in the summer of 2007 for his dad's emergency bypass surgery, but other than that neither of us usually venture away from home (without the other) for more than a few days at a time. Of course, I lived alone in the city for years, but that was different. Now we live in the oh so quiet suburbs, in a big house, near none of my friends.
For the next few days I get to try to forget that he is gone. I'll be spending the long weekend up in Wisconsin with my family; two grandmas, two sets of parents, four sisters, two BIL's, two nephews and a niece. I won't be lonely... ;)
But then I have two whole weeks after I get back to hang out by myself. I'll be working, but hoping to get some stuff done around the house and get out to the city to see some friends. I am strangely much more productive when DH is away. :)
Happy Holidays! :)
P.S. DH made it to Heathrow this morning and is supposed to be leaving on time today, it looks like things are starting to get back on schedule there. :)
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