Three birthdays and a farm visit

Hope you had a nice Memorial Day weekend, we had a very busy one. Not to be a blog whiner, but since we all came home sick with whatever plague my nieces and nephews are dealing in, I'm longing for a long weekend as a respite from my long weekend, since we are all in much worse shape than when we left.

We made the trek up to visit my family (600 miles round trip, in 2 1/2 days), since it was my grandma's 91st birthday and my mom and BIL's shared one too, we thought it would be nice to go for a visit since we hadn't been up since Thanksgiving. My younger sister flew in from Brooklyn and we visited with my dad too, both of whom had birthdays earlier in May. It was nice to see everyone, but honestly it was such a quick trip, save everyone's delight in seeing the kids, it is hard to not kind of wish we'd just stayed home.  I think the definition of chaos may actually be six kids under six spending the day in one house, some of them already sick, and our kids don't really sleep well there.  No good deed goes unpunished...

My grandma w/the twins...

My dad and step mom have what I guess you could call a hobby farm.  They both had careers, from which they are now both retired, but have for the last 30 years had their self sustaining (off the grid) homestead just outside of town where they raise all their own produce and meat and my dad farms their acreage for the animals' feed.

They've moved on from horses and now have a pet alpaca (below) and llama (not pictured), here with the annual meat cow...

Their brand new little piggie

(which will be their annual supply of bacon/chops)

My step-mom has goats, and we just missed seeing the new baby goats being born.  They are just about the cutest things.  When we were younger we actually used to dress them up, which sounds so terrible now. 

 Nice photo bomb buddy.

We gathered some eggs and looked for kittens in the barn.  They have a collie "Lassie" dog named Kai...

Mari guarding the hoop house and Alistair loving the animals on their first trip to the farm.

                                    

My mom w/the twins



Small world

I've written before about my old friend Michelle who was my first year (don't call them freshmen ;) ) roommate in college. A few years ago, she wrote a book about becoming a doctor and a mom after keeping a blog for over a decade, and since she's uber talented drawing comics for a decade before that. Since her book tour, she has a speaker's rep and is giving her first commencement address this weekend. Cool, right? Well, of all places it is at my father's alma mater near where my parents grew up in Ohio (post 'nam, he'd attended Iowa State out of HS). This is really funny given our history.

A quick recap... She is from Manhattan, born and raised. Her parents are both physicians, and immigrants from China. Her father came to the U.S. to go to college and where did he happen to start out but the UW in my hometown, living with a family a few blocks from where I grew up (in a not so big city in Wisconsin). He went on to finish undergrad at Madison, and med school in NYC (where he met her mom and had her and her two younger sisters).

When we got paired as roommates (in what was actually a Sr. single itty bitty dorm room) it was a year they didn't use whatever fancy system they usually do to pair people (it was broken or it was an experiment or something, I don't remember which). I remember from when we first talked on the phone over the summer before we met, we and both our families got a kick out of the fact that given our different backgrounds (beyond NYC and small town WI, I went to PS and my parents barely finished college and she went to Hunter and her family had not one, but two apts. on Park Ave.) we had this random tie going back decades and something in commom besides being general overachievers.

After college, she returned to NY to go to Columbia (where my step sister was by then an undergrad) where she met her husband (a white guy from OH) in med school. They now live in Atlanta where they practice and are raising their three kids. Her youngest and only daughter, Nina, is just younger than the twins, so I figure we might just assume that she and Mari may end up coincidentally paired together at Whatever U. in 2030...

Have you ever met people far from home with whom you have something random in common?

17 months old

Well, hello there almost 1 1/2 year old babies toddlers...

I caught them in her wardrobe, which was plenty cute, though it now has a latch (sorry kiddos) 

Enjoying the spring weather, finally... 

Everyone is doing well. Alistair is finally pulling up a lot more and really cruising, though he will likely set some sort of new record for late walking, whenever that ends up happening. We'll obviously be discussing it more next month at the pedi. He struggled with getting straight upright for awhile, which made me wonder if he did have something wrong with his hips from being breech that they didn't catch, but thankfully he's made a lot of progress lately.

So proud of himself (and we are too buddy)

I was reading that walking actually has a lot to do with temperament, which makes me wonder why she wasn't walking earlier than 15 months and if he ever will, since she's unbelievable curious and bossy, like her mom, and he is crazy chill, like his dad. He is 25 lbs. of huge (while she's actually down from all her running around) and my arms are barely functional at this point, so here's hoping he gets to walking from cruising faster than his sister did.

She is all over the place and into everything, as is to be expected.  She's also fiercely independent, which is also normal for little girls.  I've really noticed lately that they both really know exactly what is going on around them. They usually listen to me, though they get a kick out of laughing at me when I need to discipline them, which is kind of funny and cute and obviously not so great at the same time. They will bring me things when I mention them, or even when I don't if they know that is what we need. They still only have a handful of real words each, though they are both very verbal, and when we say things they point to them.

She's in love with dandelions (thank goodness we don't treat our backyard), though their season is waning so we'll have to find some substitute to pick and carry around when they are gone. He loves to swing at the park, while she is not a fan.

We've wrapped up our swimming session, which went really well. They loved it and are much more comfortable in the water now. The library toddler time also finished up, though there will be new activities for summer. It is crazy to think it is almost Memorial Day, we'll be heading up north to see the fam as most have May birthdays and we're celebrating my mom (and dad's) 65th and my g-ma's 91st.  The weather has just really gotten nice the last few weeks. I think it rained every day in April, but now we are getting out mostly every day to the park, running errands, and really putting our new patio to good use.

We got a new pool, which was rated for 2+, but it already seems a bit small.

We also got a new playgym (with a sandbox) for 1.5+, which is also a little crowded for two.

So I'm wondering what the equation for determining what age toy will be best accommodating for two toddlers...  They don't seem to mind too much, they are always on top of each other anyway.

The big pools around us are opening soon.  Yay! We went into the city on Saturday to go to the Green City Market and the LP zoo, which was really fun. Mari got to get really close to this monkey, she was so excited.

I also only just now somehow discovered that the MCA (where DH and I had our first date nearly nine years ago) has stroller days one Wednesday every month, so we'll likely be heading in for that and lunch at Puck's.

Unfortunately, we had to make our first trip to the ER several weeks ago, when Mari, who was struggling with what seemed like allergies (but ended up being a cold) for ten days, out of nowhere got hivey on her face and seemed to be having trouble breathing. They gave her benadryl and the splotches subsided (which made me feel kind of stupid) though I wasn't taking any chances on her breathing. Though there is a hospital very close, it was not a fun drive. This was after her medicine kicked in, poor thing...  Rough Sunday morning for all of us.

But our Mother's Day was fun and low key. We got spiffed up and had brunch/lunch at the club.

She loves to wave, even when she is coming with us.

I told DH not to get me anything, since I still haven't even gotten around to using my Christmas gift (a day at the Pen spa) and last year he got me a lovely diamond infinity necklace, but obviously I don't really wear it seeing as I'm home with two grabby kids all day (the chain nearly broke once when I wore it out with them). I'm even harder to shop for now, if that is possible, plus I've gotten to a point where the last thing I want is more stuff, I'm enjoying saving more than ever now.

Things are still in a holding pattern with work, which is fine.  I alternate between wanting to go back, just wanting a little break, and swimming in the kids' deliciousness unabashedly disregarding any need for a life of my own at this point.  It has now been 25 months since I've "worked" at all, besides my life as a domestic, which is wild.  I've found an amazing place, The Goddard School, which will likely be where they will go, when I do go back.  They love each other, but I think they will really benefit from spending more time with other kids and caregivers.

Lots going on, I may someday even get it together enough to do a post on our gardening.  Stay tuned...

Everyone has a story

While I already sadly have cancer on my mind as we mourn my dear aunt, in light of Angelina Jolie's Op-ed in the NY Times regarding her decision to have a prophylactic breast (and at a later date ovarian) removal after learning she had the BRCA1 "cancer gene", the Times is revisiting their Pulitzer Prize winning story from 2007 about other women who've undergone this procedure.

The woman featured in the "Previvor" story, Dr. Deborah Lindner (the original story and her recent video update) was the OB/GYN who I met/saw the day of our anatomy scan as part of our rotation, when we found out we were on our way to losing the twins, and she told me there wasn't much they could do for me/them/us.  My regular OB (Dr. Levin) was unfortunately on vacation late that August and ironically the one in the practice of eight who ended up delivering the babies in Dec. (fellow twin mom, Dr. Kamel) was one I had never met before the day they were born.  

Anywho, upon promptly securing an MFM, the rest of the practice was very supportive of us and our desire to try to save our babies (though it later took half the practice to remove my cerclage).  I didn't write that much about all the details of what happened at the time, it was just too painful and difficult and I had already switched into crisis mode.

While it crossed my mind at the time, I have no way of knowing whether Dr. Lindner's prompt departure from the practice after our episode with her had anything to do with our case or not.  She now apparently works at a vein clinic in the city (and is a brunette).  If she left voluntarily, I can only guess it was likely due to her young family, which she's had since her surgery, as the scheduling demands of being an OB/GYN are rigorous, unless you can opt out of deliveries (like my old gyne had by the time we got around to TTC).

Of course the irony is not lost on me that a physician who is so proactive about her own health would be so nonchalant about that of her patient. But if my medical experiences of the last several years has taught me anything it is that while medicine is amazing, it and doctors are fallible and in the end you have to be your own advocate and not take one opinion without seeking others.

We love you Laura

My aunt Laura passed away earlier this week. She was a young fifty-five, always so sweet and cool and chic.  I idolized her when I was a kid, probably because she didn't have any reason not to be sunny, unlike my divorced working mom of four.  She had breast cancer that we'd thought she'd beaten, but then it came back and had spread to the muscles around her heart, and even all her fight and the best care in the world couldn't beat it. She and my uncle (my father's next younger brother) were married 30 years and lived in Palm Beach Gardens, after first meeting in Chicago.  They were quite a couple...  She the sorority girl turned travel agent (remember those?) turned SAHM and teacher.  My uncle the golf pro/model turned small business owner.  When I was a kid, we'd often make the long drive from WI down to visit them (usually in the hot hot summer).

She was the first person I knew to do IVF (in the late 80s, for secondary infertility after having a son promptly after they were married and waiting years for another child), though it didn't work and she subsequently got pg on her own w/her daughter (who just turned 21). She was also the first person I knew to build her dream house, which we got to witness (it was the summer my sister Em spent with them, so of course she did the same a decade later).

When I was dating a guy who lived in Miami (in college and just after), I would always drive up to visit them when I was in their neck of the woods. It was on one of these trips, about a decade ago, that I saw her last. I guess I had a bit of a falling out with my uncle, who is as terribly opinionated as I am though he is also a rabid Republican and racist and has a thing for grudges, and we just kind of fell out of regular touch.  My family is weird like that, which is sad.  I'd heard through the grape vine last year that she was sick again, but hadn't been able to get down to see her.  They weren't able to travel up to my grandma's big 90th party last May.  She, thankfully, made it long enough to see her son have one of his own, the same week the twins were born. 

With Mother's Day this weekend, which is already know as "Thanksgiving Day in May" at our house, we'll be thinking of her, remembering the good times and just how lucky we are to have our health and our family.

Places/cos/stuff I love (for saving $/time/sanity while trying to be green & healthy)

The funny thing about being home with the kids is life gets simplified, as my focus is much more narrow than it used to be, while it also gets more complicated in that everything (even the most simple thing) is more difficult to execute than it was before.  But this is the good stuff we've been waiting for. :)

So I thought I'd share a few things that have made the last year or so easier for us in our neck of the woods, but are also national or can be found by anyone living in a major metro.  And before you even have to think it, I have no shame to admit that yes we are do in fact likely fit many of your suburban yuppie (though my family was hippie 40 yrs before it was yuppie to be) stereotypes, though thankfully we don't do things for any other reason than it is want we want.  Now that we have that out of the way, in no particular order:

1) Door to Door Organics: this is our weekly organic produce/CSA/home grocery delivery service that I've generally been happy with and which has service in several other major metro areas.  We use them primarily for fruits/veggies and the kids' whole milk, though they deliver many other things too.

2) Tazo Chai (tea latte) concentrate:  Chai latte has always been my drink of choice at Starbucks, as somehow the caffeine doesn't affect me the same way that coffee or espresso (even decaf) does.  Even though we live in the suburbs, and have access to their drive-thrus (thank goodness), it is nice to be able to make the exact same thing at home (thanks to our milk frother) because some weeks days (for many months) there we didn't leave the house.  Costco sells the cartons for $8 for a pack of three (instead of 5/ea at retail), which makes it about 90% cheaper than buying it prepared in store.  But they are a good company, which I like to support, so now that we get out more I may be able to keep up my gold membership between the drive thru and Target.

3) I've said it before and I'll say it again, I love Costco.  Love may seem like a strong word, but if my husband were a store, he would be Costco.  I love them that much.  There aren't many stores that have regular double carts, not those weird things that Target has, and beside being able to buy so much of our stuff (organic food and household miscellany) there (which obviously requires a cart rather than a stroller), and return anything with no questions asked, the kids absolutely love it there too (I think because there is so much and so many people to look at).  And the sample ladies make up a good contingent of their fan club. :)

4) Whole Foods:  I've loved this store since I moved to Boston nearly 20 yrs ago (when it was known as Bread & Circus) and lived across the street from the one in Lincoln Park, and dreamed of getting our own for several years when we moved here and they finally opened one nearer to us three years ago (not that the old one was that far away).  This is where we buy our fish and other things that we don't get elsewhere.  They also have awesome prepared food, because sometimes you need a pizza or a rotisserie chicken and you don't want to eat crap just because you don't want to cook.  One of the huge and unusual advantages of the one near us is they have underground parking, which is a dream getting in and out of the car in the cold winter or rainy spring with little kids.  And since hardly anyone uses it, it is less busy and safer and you can park right next to the elevator.  Easy peasy.

5) Bright Start 529 Savings:  How does one love a 529, right?  Well how about free money?  Yes, you heard that right.  We've gotten a free (and tax free) extra grand from these guys (since we had four accounts) when they did a matching promotion a while back.  Not too shabby.  That definitely makes up for not getting the state tax credit, if you don't live in Illinois.  We do automatic monthly contributions, but extra ones are super easy to do online too.

6) Gap Brands: (Gap/Old Navy/thank goodness they don't have BR kids, right?):  If you love classic styled baby clothes, I recommend getting a Gap brands credit card (any card works at any store/online).  I've had a BR card since I used to buy most of my work (and otherwise) clothes there, and it has come in handy now with the kids.  They have great sales, have lots of lines to choose from (so you don't have to turn your kid into a free walking billboard, unless you want to, of course), and the card always gets you additional savings (and rewards credits back).  If you aren't getting at least 40% off everything you buy there, you are overpaying.  You save more every Tuesday in store, though the web sometimes has better deals.

7) Once Upon a Child:  This place is the easiest way to get rid of no longer needed baby stuff, from clothes to gear.  They pay fairly well, especially since it saves me the time of dealing with Craigslist.  And honestly I often do exactly what they love and usually just spend what I make back on "new" clothes.  I've found some great stuff here (like nearly new Lilly for her, Polo RL for him, though both of these also have great sales online too).  I buy the vast majority of our stuff new, but as you know, I'm all for recycling. ;) 
.
8) Honest Company/Seventh Generation:  I've mentioned both these guys before, but I just have to say if you are doing disposables (which I didn't think we would), I hope you order them online from somewhere instead of dragging boxes from the store and maybe even consider using ones that are "greener" for baby's bottom and the planet, if you can.  Woot.com often has deals on the 7 gen ones.  They both make great wipes and skin products too.

9) You probably have seen my affinity for IKEA all over the blog/our house.  While it is super close, we don't go that often.  They have double carts too, though they don't keep them in the parking lot, so we usually just do the stroller since I don't take the kids if I'm buying big stuff.  They have somewhat decent stuff for the kids to eat, lots to look at, and I can not wait until they are big enough to play at Smaland.

10) Sweet Tomatoes/Bahama Breeze:  We take the kids out to dinner at least once a week, to get all of us out together and get them used to eating in restaurants.  These are two of our stand bys that are chains. Sweet Tomatoes is a salad bar buffet, which means that they can try even things that we don't usually make at home.  Bahama Breeze is a Darden restaurant which makes it sound more lame than it is.  They have an enclosed patio (w/live music) which the kids love and their kid's menu is actually healthy.  They like the corn cakes, baked fish or chicken, which comes with broccoli and fruit.  It is nice that they don't have to eat crap, since nearly every kids' menu is awash with chicken fingers.  Blech.

The real reward to saving, since I don't budget, is seeing the extra money go to the kids' college savings, especially since I just finished paying for my education a few years ago... 

What helps you save your money, time, sanity?

We are looking forward to changing things up for summer.  New classes through the park district, and besides the local pools, which are cheap (and free for the kids) and mornings at the one of choice is open for toddlers only, the Botanic Garden and the LP zoo are both free (save membership/parking) and Ravinia is free for the kids at classical concerts.  Our local farmer's market starts and the Green City market (in the city) moves back outside soon, respectively.

Summer is what gets people coming to and staying in Chicago. It worked for me. :)

On why we are done...

Given what we've been through the last several years, you might think that it would be a no brainer that our family is complete, and honestly when you are have boy/girl twins you don't get asked this a lot, but of course everyone has their own opinions when it comes to these things...

Ironically, my mother tried to talk me into getting my tubes tied with my C-section, which I declined since we had zero born/healthy children at the time (and I was all too aware that her idea had less to do with me than with my yet again (at the time) pg sister, who has since gotten "fixed").  But my OB, who even after seeing our last pregnancy, doesn't think we are done, for whatever reason.  I'd like to think it is because we are great parents, but I'm sure we look like walking dollars signs to her.  And of course by choosing to have a public blog where you talk about your life and decisions, I am well aware that it opens it to the world. 

I've recently been asked if we are planning to have more kids and we are both very comfortable with the answer being, "thanks, but no thanks".

I love kids generally, as does DH, which is why I spent most of my formative years caring for other peoples' and one of the many reasons I married him.  Though we also feel like we don't have to have them all ourselves.  And of course, we couldn't possibly be more crazy about ours, and I know that many people make these decisions based on purely emotional rather than even remotely pragmatic factors.   I don't understand it, but that is all well and good as long as they are not pure fantasy and you prepared and willing to deal with the realities of the children you choose to bear and that you never really know how it will all go down.  For us, they are one and the same.  Call me too worried about worst case scenario, which could be renamed "what usually happens to me", I call it being conservative and responsible.  Also, I'm not actually looking for more stuff to complain about...

In case you are interested in some insight into our reasoning:

-We both agreed many years ago (i.e. long before we got married) that ideally we would like to have two kids, though DH jokes that "three is the new two" (and four and five, in some cases).  Though when we had to do IVF to get pg and opted for ICSI, we knew splits were much more likely, so we had to wrap our heads around the idea that there was an increased chance we could end up with even more than we transferred.  And after our harrowing journey to conceive and carry, we'd actually come to terms with just having one biological child (and then likely adopting another from India, which is an option to NRIs (non-resident Indians) like DH).  There are a lot of reasons why two, but it seemed like a good number to both of us.

More reasons:

-After nearly three years lost to TTC, I am AMA now.  While this is a somewhat arbitrary milestone, especially when you are using ART (bypassing some of the random chance involved in getting pg), it is what it is (where the lines of increasing birth defects and decreasing natural fertility typically cross).  I also believe in the medical recommendation to space pregnancies by at least 18 months for the best health of the mother and baby (and this assumes singletons), not to mention meeting their needs.  I'm nearly 37 and would be pushing 38 by the end of another pregnancy.

-We have never been able to get pg on our own and while we know it could certainly be possible (don't forget the BC fellow infertiles...), given what we know now about our dx, we certainly would not put a lot of weight on having a spontaneous (and more importantly successful) pregnancy without much assistance again, as quaint as that concept is to us now. 

So we'd likely need to use ART to conceive again (we've transferred all four of our embryos), and unless one of us gets a new job w/coverage, since we have used every last penny of our infertility insurance coverage, we would be OOP like we have been since our first IVF cycle in 2010.  While in reality cycling is much less expensive than actually having children, now we'd actually be taking from our existing children's future in an attempt to conceive again.  $20K now is $100K in 20 years...  Not cool IMO.

-While we're eternally grateful for our twins, and that they have each other, I would never transfer two again, though this makes each IVF cycle "more efficient".  I would also not advise anyone else to do so given the risks involved, in case you are wondering.  It has become so commonplace to do so the risks just get glossed over, and don't get me started on >2, though it is good to see that SET are becoming the new recommendation.  Humans are not designed to have litters of healthy children, there is a reason it very rarely happens naturally.  I'm certainly glad for people who beat the odds, which we barely did, but I know way too many who've had to bury their children or deal with a life of chronic health problems to think it's a good idea to prioritize embryos over healthy live babies.  I also know WAY too many people who wanted "just one more" and got two or three or more.  So be careful what you wish for, it is called too much of a good thing.

-While I'd somewhat reluctantly come to terms with the real/possible risks from cycling repeatedly to have a family at all, since we first decided to do IVF, I now have a 1st degree relative (my eldest sister) who has been treated for an aggressive reproductive cancer and IMO more cycling would be unwise, again because we have children for whom we are now responsible. 

-Given the complications of our twin pregnancy and the state of my cervix, I would have issues with another pregnancy, potentially requiring bed rest, and God only knows what else, and definitely requiring another cerc (this time, preventative @ 14w).  (Again) Our priority is to provide appropriate care for the kids we already have.  In an alternate life where I thought I needed to have another child, I would likely use a GC.

-Our shared general philosophy on child rearing is that it's best when not done en masse.  More kids = fewer resources (time, energy, money, etc.) for each and all.  Our top family priorities include meeting our kids' individual health/emotional/education needs and offering them valuable and varied travel/life experiences, while not sacrificing our own retirement and individual goals.

DH has one brother and I am one of four (five w/my step-sister, though she has trust funds) and I'll let you guess who had the better childhood.  I know this is not true for everyone, though I find it interesting how many people I know from large families who opt to have smaller ones based on their experiences, especially those down the line, though I know several people who feel like they already raised kids (i.e. their younger siblings) because their parents made poor choices and opt out completely.  Sad.

Obviously one's family and financial situation has some bearing on the equation, and we are able to offer much more stability than my family was when I was growing up, but from our observations no one really benefits when you have more children than you can physically, mentally, or financially afford to care for (or more than both partners want) and educate properly (be they special needs or high potential, as in my family).  Fortunately, as planned, we are each in a position where we could care for and afford our two kids on our own, if heaven forbid something were to happen to one of us. I learned a great deal, the hard way, from my parents mistakes. Getting married too young, making crapping decisions, having a bunch of kids (and more than one spouse wanted), and having no means of supporting them by yourself when it all heads south is probably not a great master plan.

-I will likely return to work, and we've been through unsuccessfully juggling cycling/pregnancy and working before (but before also having children) and are not keen on doing it again.

-After over three years of waiting, and many more in preparation, we are just ready to move on with and enjoy our lives as a family.

-Even if we did think we wanted more children, based on the above and the reality that our responsibility now lies with the children we have, I'd hope we'd have enough sense to count our blessings and move on...

How did you decide what was the "right" size of your family?  Has it changed over time?