Worth the wait...

I have always loved this set, even before we were TTC or dx w/IF. The funny thing is, I think it's probably referring to the nine months fertile people "wait" to meet their LO. Puleeze...



This is a fun site for unique gifts. I got my sister these four years ago when she was expecting her first. When she found out she was having a boy (we are an all girl family), she thought/said "what do we do with one of those?" This is what you do... ;)



Now in organic too. :)

You, Me, and Gurnee :)

Well, we did it! Beta #1 is 104! Beta #2 is on Friday. Please God, let this stick.

After all the death, disease, and despair in our families over the last few months, my EDD is my MIL’s b-day. As DH said, there is nothing like something happy to help you heal from something sad.

Thanks for all your support, it means the world to me! :)

Back at work

Well, for the first time in three and a half weeks, I'm back at work today. It's a little crazy to have been out so long (it was SO nice and really should be a given for anyone doing IVF), and now I get to do the work that's been waiting for me since the beginning of the month.

Tomorrow is the big beta day, I'm so nervous...

Digital on 9dp3dt

DH didn't want me to take it yesterday (boo on him, right?), but today here it is...


As Shakira says, the sticks don't lie, but Tuesday seems so far away...

FRER looks about the same, but I got new faint line on cheapie. My boobs continue to be insane, mild backache, and headache, but I actually feel fairly good.

After three and a half weeks off, tomorrow I go back to work. Lord help me.

It may be the lightest line ever...

But it's there, it's my first second line EVER, and I'm already in love (and so excited!). Please, please, please be a sticky baby(-ies).

8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secrete HCG in the blood (right on time ;) )

Still nothing on the cheapie this morning, this is a FRER. I had completely psyched myself out that I wouldn't be seeing anything like this (my defense mechanism, I guess). Way too many bad dreams and feeling nothing at all for several days. I had all kinds of weird ute "lightning" the first few days after ET, then complete radio silence. Just feeling really tired and hungry and started feeling nauseous today on the drive home. All I can say is BRING IT ON! :)

Absolutely in love

with these. Raj candleholders from Crate & Barrel...
At $4 a pop, I bought an armful. Happy Thanksgiving! :)

What/when in the 2ww...

If things go as they should, here is what happens after a 3dt: (borrowed from L&R here)

1dpt ..Embryo is growing and developing
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

I start my estrogen patches today, it's going to be an exciting week! :)

DH turns 35!

It is pretty hard to believe that we are really getting this old, but there it is... DH likes to say he is still 28 (just for the 8th time?). We kept it pretty low key this year, given all that is going on, and went into the city to Japonais for dinner on Saturday. Unfortunately, as much as we both love Japanese food, it was pretty mediocre and disappointing. Apparently the buzz about this place is really just the eye candy (it's a favorite of celebrities and wannabes) and not about the food.

I can only hope by the time mine rolls around, we'll be hanging at home with baby. We'd both be happy as clams with that. :)

A spare pair!!

I was just in the shower (and thinking about my embies) and DH busts in and tells me that the clinic has just called to tell us we have two blasts to freeze! Yippee! Best news ever! I can't stop smiling... :)

Embies On Board!(and more lessons learned the hard way)

First of all, I apologize for my freak out this morning, I'm really not a drama queen (I promise ;) ). I am also sorry if I offended anyone with my disappointment in having a 3dt. Given I went into what may be my only ER w/14 follies and ended up with 5 embies, and that my clinic is all about being a 5dt shop (they have dramatically lower success rates with 3dt vs. 5dt), and given the lack of info I had at the time (that only 5 embies may lead to a 3dt, regardless of quality), getting a call that said "can you be here in two hours?" is a little mind bending. Are my last embies arresting as we speak? They wouldn't tell me anything. Goodness that was unnecessarily stressful.

So after I got off the phone, as directed I popped in my Prometrium and laid down for 30 mins. drinking my 24 oz. of water, I then got ready and we left for the hour ride to the clinic. Not too far in, I got really uncomfortable. First, it was "I have to pee" uncomfortable, then it got so severe that I was writhing and screaming in pain. I thought maybe the pill meant to relax my ute must be causing cramping or something. I seriously felt what I imagine laboring in the car to be like. It was absolutely horrific.

When we finally got there, the nurse said I shouldn't be in pain and she immediately popped the u/s on my belly, which we realized was hugely distended. They had me empty two cups out of my bladder immediately, which made me feel SO much better. Then we waited a bit and they u/s'ed me again, and again I could lose two more cups (WTF right?). Then after more waiting they set us up in the transfer room where they u/s'ed me again. I still had a lot more in my bladder than I needed, but I felt so much better at that point that I just stayed put.

The Dr. finally came in and told us that our five embies are all doing well. Thank goodness. There was 1 8-cell, 1 7-cell, 2 6-cells, and one five cell. I was so exhausted at the point, that I didn't ask many questions. We confirmed that we wanted to transfer two and the "best" were the 8-cell and one of the 6-cells. The transfer was uneventful. They will watch the other three until Tuesday to see if any are good for cryo.

Lesson learned, if you are in any pain when you've filled your bladder, just go. I suffered unnecessarily, because I was worried that the transfer would be screwed up if I went. My mock transfer (when I also drank 24 oz.) didn't go as expected, as my bladder wasn't full at all. Go figure.

Thanks for all the T&P, let's hope they are snuggling in and getting comfy. :)

Not great news

I just got off the phone with my clinic, and they want us to come in at 10am (in two hours) for a 3dt. The nurse wouldn't tell me how our five embryos are doing, we will have to wait until we get there to talk to the Dr. Any T&P you have to spare for us would be very much appreciated. I'm laying here with my Prometrium and my water shaking I'm so nervous. Please God...

Two days post ER

2-day/2-cell embryo

Well, it's been an interesting few days. We are thrilled with our five embies (hopefully there are still five of them now, I hate not knowing), but can't help but be somewhat disappointed that with this our first/last/only insured/all bets in round of IVF that we don't had a little more room for error. I'm feeling guilty that I'm having a stage mother moment, that our short term financial situation counts of the success of these embryos. That's not fair to them, but that's where we are. Hopefully they are overachievers like their parents. ;)

I really hate being a worst case scenario Katie, but I have to manage my expectations from this to the best case, and recalibrate where we likely are on this spectrum as we get more information. On my last follie check (where I got measurements), we had 14 measurable follies. Of these, 10 were retrieved, only 7 were mature, and only five fertilized with ICSI. As much as I cringe when I hear about other IFer's having dozens and dozens of eggs retrieved, these numbers don't bode terribly well for what we are dealing with, though I've never had any test come back reflecting DOR or low quality, actually quite the contrary. Hopefully I was just under-stimmed and they are high quality/low quantity.



I realize that we could very well be successful (and maybe still doubly so), but I have to wonder the likelihoood of us ending up with even one to freeze. Meaning the probability that we would need to do another fresh cycle is greater now than it was just a few days ago.

My clinic's success rates are really good, that's why we are going there...

AF's 2009 IVF Pregnancy and Live Birth Success Rates
Clinical Pregnancy Rate Per Egg Retrieval(Sac in uterus on ultrasound): 66.9%
Live Birth Rate Per Egg Retrieval: 62.9%

But the potential impact (cause/effect) of a possible 3dt rather than being able to wait to 5d is dramatic. I will not know what we are doing until tomorrow. I have to keep reminding myself (w/the help of my IRL friend, whose first round of IVF (5dt) was BFN, but her second (3dt) was successful and she has a beautiful 9 mo. old daughter) that it may not matter for me. But my clinic typically does 5dt, unless there is reason not to.

Female Age Under 35
Day of Transfer/ Number of Embryo Transfers Clinical...
Pregnancy Rate Per Embryo Transfer/Live Birth Rate Per Embryo Transfer
Day 2 or 3/ 305... 45.9%/36.7%
Day 5 or 6/ 565... 72.4%/65.8%


I was feeling great post ER, until I realized that I was not going to have a BM in any reasonable amount of time. I was getting really uncomfortable yesterday and finally broke down and went and bought a "gentle" laxative. I don't think I've ever taken a laxative. Needless to say, last evening after class was not pleasant. Hopefully, my body will right itself and I will not need anymore of that anytime soon. Ugh.

I took my first shot of PIO last night, which DH administered after some extensive icing. I didn't really feel a thing, but it is the creepiest thing, that huge needle. I'm not that big across, so it seems to border on impaling to me. Hopefully these will get even easier, and I will be able to do them myself, when needed. My sweet sister (who has finally moved back to MN, now that my grandma is in WI) has graciously offered to come stay with me (and little does she know, give me my shots) when she found out my DH will be going back to India next month and I will be alone. This is of course assuming I get pg. See I really am an optimist. :)

Off to spend the day in Evanston with my dear friend and her nearly four year old daughter, and go see my acupuncturist for what may be my pre-ET visit.

* All images from www.advancedfertility.com

Fert report

Of the 10 eggs they retrieved yesterday, 7 were mature, 5 fertilized and we now have 5 embies growing. :)

It is still up in the air whether we will do a 3dt on Friday or a 5dt on Sunday. They will call me back on Friday morning. It's going to be a LONG two days...

My first mommie moment

For the first time in quite awhile, I got up in the middle of the night wracked with worry. I couldn't stop thinking about my embies... How many of them are there? How are they doing? Who's looking after them? Are they taking good care of them?

I'm probably completely certifiable, but I guess I should get used to worrying about them for the next 20+ years...

10!!

They retrieved 10 eggs today! We are very excited! I thought maybe we'd get an even dozen or so, but my RE thought we'd have fewer than we did. They like to have 8-15, so he was very happy with what they have to work with. I hope it's just the right amount, it's my lucky number. ;)

So excited for the fertilization report tomorrow. I am feeling spectacular since the retrieval and fluid drain, which is welcome since I felt really lousy yesterday. So glad to be home and resting.

Eager for ER

I am so ready to get all these little buggers out of me! I am really bloated and uncomfortable. I know this is normal. It hurts to walk and to sit, so I've been basically laying on my back most of the day. I have no idea how people do this and work. I guess I'm spoiled, but it really would be inhumane. Though that could be said for the whole process. My boobs are killing me too. They tend to be pretty sensitive to the hormones I've taken over the last year, but the last few days they are really hurting. It hurts to wear a bra, it hurts not to wear one. I can't win.

S is missing another important client meeting tomorrow to take me to ER, so he had to tell his bosses why he can't be there. One is the the great guy who takes us sailing and the other apparently went through all this with his wife (they have since adopted two children), so they are cool. My bosses have been good about leaving me alone the last week, which I guess is good. It'll be interesting to go back.

Since I seemed to respond well to stims, I'm really eager to see how many eggs they retrieve, how many are mature, how many fertilize (we are doing ICSI). It's going to be a whole lot more waiting the next few days and weeks, but I could be pg in just two more. It's so hard to believe.

Triggering TONIGHT!

My follies liked the big kick they got yesterday and took off, and after a good monitoring appt. this morning (which I brought S to, I figured he needed to meet the vag cam at least once ;) ), I just got the call that I'm triggering tonight @ 10:30pm! Just took one last shot at 225, finishing nearly every last drop of my Gonal-F. My ER is Tuesday morning @ 8:30 am, ET on Friday or Sunday, so we'll likely be going up to WI for Thanksgiving. Beta on 11/30... :)

IVF update

I promise I haven't been being coy about my IVF cycle, my clinic just isn't very forthcoming with specific info. When they called this afternoon, instead of putting instructions on the med line, I made sure to ask for numbers. When I've been going in every other day for monitoring, they've just told me everything looks great and my Dr. has been keeping my meds pretty steady. As of this morning's early morning monitoring appt...

14 measurable/25 total follies (17 x 2, 15 x 3, 14 x 4, 12, 11 x 3, 10), 11 smaller
lining: 9.5
E2: 1619
LH: 3.0
P4: 1.6

The u/s tech said that my right ovary looked "gorgeous" this morning... :) Thirteen of the follies and both the 17s and two each of the 15s and the 14s are on that one.

I just took another 300 iu of Gonal F and go back in tomorrow AM again. I could trigger as early as tomorrow night, for an ET Tuesday! If not then, Mon. trigger for an ET on Wednesday at the latest!! I AM SO EXCITED!! :)

Pattern mixing and subway tiles

For those of you who read for the infertility coverage, I apologize in advance, as I'm breaking my own rules (of not filling my blog with mag pics) again. But trust me, it's worth it. I thought it was time for some pretty pics. I find home design to be the nearly perfect opposite to infertility, kind of irrelevant in the whole scheme of important things, but it makes me happy (when done well, of course).

So my latest assignment for my design class was "pattern mixing", which is actually much harder than it sounds. And in catching up on all my magazines from the last few months, I found two homes (in NYC and the Hamptons) which jumped out at me and put a huge smile on my face, and show pattern mixing done well.

The first is the home of Nancy Tilghman (featured in the October House Beautiful), designed by Daniel Sachs. The second is of Cosima Von Bulow Pavoncelli (featured in November Town & Country), designed by Markham Roberts. They are each, in nearly every room, just chock full of John Robshaw and Peter Dunham textiles. I didn't stand a chance...

From House Beautiful...
I love the dark blue in this foyer, and am still looking for the perfect blue for our den (to become a boy's room, if needed). Some crisp white beadboard will balance it out and lighten it up nicely for a kid's room.







I loved this use of paper, and yes I had to run out and do this with our china cabinet immediately.









From Town & Country...






In case you missed it, in addition to having a very similar vibe (feminine colors, great patterns, global influences), they both have great white kitchens with nearly identical blue-gray subway tiles. I love these! When we finally redo our kitchen (replacing the old white cabs with new white ones), I am so getting these.
*HB sources

Hormones

...are not my friend right now. Not only am I starving (like don't stand between me and food hungry) all the time, I'm having terrible dreams. Like violent, awful, horrific nightmares. Lovely.

We may spend Thanksgiving at home instead of going to WI to see family (bc of ET), and S has decided that he needs to go back to India to deal with family stuff the last few weeks of the year, so I will be spending my brief time off for the holidays alone/with my family. The timing is such as he has several days off of work already for Christmas and New Year's, and since he is completely out of PTO from September, he can minimize the amount of time he needs to take unpaid. He would have gone back already, if we weren't cycling. My family is five hours away, but they are not easily mobile with my wheelchair bound grandmother and my sister's three small kids.

I'm usually pretty levelheaded (or at least I like to think so ;)), but my drugged out body/mind is already working up scenarios where even if we get pg this cycle, something terrible happens when he's gone (either to him or the baby). I'm not sure how I got to this point where my coping skills are so crappy.

Because I'm a sucker...

for cute baby animals... (these pics were just sitting on my desktop)




and cute baby stuff (and anything Indian...)

the Taj blanket is on its way from OKL... (yes, I've succumbed to buying baby stuff again, even though my "babies" are just follies on a TV screen. Hell, it's progress.)

Like these...


How did I not know Rikshaw Design existed before now? I am in love with all of it. It's the company I would start, if it didn't already exist. Love.love.love.

Bombay


Udaipur


I wonder if the owner of Rikshaw (Catherine Fitzsimmons) is the one who was doing baby kurtas @ PBK a few years back? Hmmm...

Our green house

If/when we build one, I've found one I like, the Carson with addition model from New World Home (the blue one on the home page). If you follow decor blogs or read CL, there has been lots of talk about the New World Home/Country Living "Home of the Year" built this summer in NYC (and designed by Katie Ridder), but if you go to the NWH website, you'll find lots of other fun models for various lifestyles.

We've come to the somewhat sad realization that after five years in a 2,300 sq. ft. house that we will probably not comfortably be able to downsize our primary residence to anything much smaller than this anytime soon, as much as we'd love a bit place in the city, which we are also working on. I used to have all of 400 sq ft. to call my own, but you know what they say about expanding to fill the available space. But we also don't want anything much larger, even if/when we have a couple kids. We just aren't aspiring McMansion people. And regardless of how many eco-friendly renovations we undertake, our quirky early 70's contemporary will never be an energy saving marvel.

And since DH is a LEED guy (certification pending) and I am a designer-in-training (ASID card in the mail ;) ) it might be a fun project, especially given the relatively turn-key nature of modular building, but we gotta get this baby making thing out of the way first of course. My sister and her husband built their green home before they had their three kids, but they did it the hard way, almost completely by themselves. We know this is not for us.

My favorite things about this model: the big/open kitchen and family room (similar to our current layout, only bigger), and a master big enough for a sitting area. Things I would want to work on: bathrooms are small (no tub in master), switching living and dining rooms and maybe opening them up, exactly where to put the garage and mudroom? (on the left for symmetry, or on the back of house, and adding a 2nd story). A few of these modifications have been made on this model built in NY.

A few things I've realized...

1. That I don't like my job, and that taking leave is the BEST thing I've thought of EVER. I was able to spend most of Thursday in bed (w/heat) (see #5) and Friday doing things I actually enjoy with great people.

2. That much more than interior design generally (rendering, dealing w/clients, yada yada yada), I love textiles.

3. Per #2, I'd like to move onto the 6th floor of the Merchandise Mart. I could live there and no one would probably notice, it's HUGE.

4. Also on #2, I need to learn to sew.

5. My period w/o ibuprofen = hell. I don't think I've ever even tried to go without massive doses in 20 years, my cramps are that bad. Why I have no idea, as the teeny bit of endo I had was removed. Those little baby aspirin better be doing something for me, because I can't take both, my stomach can't take it.

6. I haven't been getting out and about enough (with other people who are not my husband). I've got lots of excuses, but basically when you feel like you suck at life (in all things out of your control no less), you don't make great company. We're pretty busy, but I've been in a self-imposed exile, but yesterday was really fun.

7. Starting new meds (Gonal F and low dose HCG) when you are only half awake is probably not a great idea. Pricked finger, bleeding stomach, wasted syringes, leaking vials, half read instructions... Nice start.

Well, hello hello

She's finally here!!! Yay! I get to lower my Lupron to 5 units (from 10) and go in tomorrow for my baseline and start stims. Finally!

My body knew I needed to get through yesterday (my last day at work and my big presentation). It went great and I felt much better than I had on Tuesday, thank goodness. Now I am "off" until after Thanksgiving... So I might actually do some real blogging, imagine that? ;)

So tired of waiting

They had me come in for blood work and u/s this morning since AF hasn't shown her lovely face yet, and I was kind of hoping we could start stims anyway, but my lining is thick so no going ahead until she comes. They have since called and confirmed that my b/w says it is coming and I just have to wait.

I admit that I am not a patient person, and I am so so tired of waiting. Why can't my body cooperate? Please let it come soon.

I'm way past the point of my normal cycle, assuming I know when I O'd (which I think I do). So it's CD 33 and counting. Our ER has officially been pushed back to the week of 11/14, with Beta now after Thanksgiving. I'm supposed to be on leave from the 4th-24th, returning on the 29th, so I'll likely talk to my boss about working from home a few days and taking a few after Thanksgiving.

Thinking about the holidays

I can't believe it's already November. I have no idea where the time goes. We don't even know what we are doing for Thanksgiving yet, if we'll get up to see my family or not. As everything depends on what happens when for our cycle. One thing I do need to decide on is a wreath for the front door. I usually go traditional, and this one from L.L. Bean is a favorite.



But then there is this one at Ballard (but of course, an S) and I thought it might be fun to mix things up.

DH is not a huge fan of it, but he really doesn't care. Too cheesy or not?

For the first time...

in my life I need/want AF to come and she is nowhere to be found. :( I had to call my clinic this morning and tell them that it didn't arrive over the weekend, as we all had been planning on. Still waiting to hear back on what to do. Probably just wait for now. I am so beyond ready to get this train going, but hopefully in the next few days. My boobs are killing me, but not sure if that's the Lupron or AF being difficult. Please send any/all AF vibes my way, she's late...