Who’s a shitty blogger? (2018 wrap and dump)

I don’t really do New Year’s resolutions, but I should probably make one to do a better job documenting our lives. I completely skipped blogging in 2018.  Oops. Life is pretty good, but busy and exhausting. I should try to make this blog more than the year end letter I never actually write (until after the fact) or send to anyone.

We just got back from three weeks in India, our first visit in five years. My brother and sister in law had another baby last spring (a boy), so after avoiding the trip for several years (we went last after their daughter was born), it became unavoidable, even though I fell deathly ill last time and was avoiding it like another plague. My mother in law last came to stay with us three years ago, so we were a bit overdue. I don’t dislike it there, it just doesn’t seem to agree with sensitive Northern European/Midwestern constitution unfortunately. I was less sick this time than I usually am there, so that’s the good news. Yay for expensive new prophylactic antibiotics! The weather was lovely in Nashik (if a bit cooler than usual at night) and the kids had fun. It’s just kind of boring, as I spend a lot of time sitting around.  I made sure to bring some books to catch up on my reading, which was good, except that there isn't anything else to do. Many of his relatives don’t speak English, which is isolating. One of his many cousins happened to get married while we were there, so that was fun for everyone. Indian weddings are crazy.

Thankfully, we booked our last week to be just us four in Goa, which is a beach resort down the western coast and a former Portuguese colony. I felt like a heel leaving his family for a vacation in India, but we needed it, badly. We stayed at a fancy resort on the sea and ate way too much.

I went out to NYC in the spring to visit my sister, and of course it was monsoon season (per usual). After sixish years in Brooklyn, they finally moved to the Bronx to be near her NYPL branch and because they needed more space since her new husband’s adult son is now living with them (long story). I managed to injure my hip somehow (I always walk dozens of miles when I go), and that has sort of been plaguing me since. I went to an orthopedist (for the Bears, hello overqualified) and of course it’s another mysterious unexplainable problem, so I did many weeks of PT, which helped, but it’s still not great. Besides being annoying, it has also affected my mobility enough to contribute to gaining a good ten pounds, which is making me crabby after being the same weight/size for decades, including for years after having the twins.

It probably also didn’t help that the initial injury coincided with my first/only failed foray into anti-anxiety meds, which I’d started the previous year and my Dr. tinkered with unsuccessfully for months. They did nothing. So while I should be exercising to help not be a nervous hot mess, I have pain simply walking. My problem hip is my left where you may recall I spent four months residing back in 2011. Payback time isn’t a good time.

We took my mom and eldest sister with us on our summer vacation to the Hamptons this year. My mom has been doing a lot of genealogy research the last several years, since she left her job as a nurse to be a caregiver for my grandma, then my sister, and her grandkids, and most recently my late step dad. Unfortunately most of it since she lost her mom, who would have gotten a real kick out of all she’s found. She had mentioned the previous year when we were there (without her) that we had some connection to Shelter Island (which none of us had ever been to), but didn’t elaborate until we got there this year.

Well it turns out, across the shortest ferry ride, we had ancestors who owned the whole flipping thing!? We went together to visit Sylvester Manor, which is still there even though most of the land was sold long ago. And that was just the beginning. So the big news is I’m now working on a book on our Brinley ancestors who also owned huge swaths of Newport, RI, Boston, and NJ from the 1600s, because why not take on a ten year project. It gave me some serious direction and work for my September solo trip to New England, which I likely would have taken anyway, but was pretty mind blowing. Planning on NY/NJ next, with England to come.

I literally used to walk every day past Boston’s King’s Chapel cemetery (its very first), from one crappy job to the next, where my ancestors were buried and have a historical plaque proclaiming them “the richest Bostonians of the 18th century” (turns out their portraits are hanging in the Met for crying out loud), and a couple generations back further (to the immigrant one) were the same for the 17th. Just three centuries of Harvard guys. Well that’s about 25 years too late a discovery to be helpful to me. Oh well.  I used to row early morning crew on a river named for the King of England who my 10th great grandfather worked for. Remember I was a scholarship student, whose family barely went to state schools, and thought I was crazy for picking up and moving to Boston. How’s that for mind blowing? Oh and they are also my familial link to the current British royals (via the late Queen mum).

Sagar started a new job in late September, which seems to be going well. The whole process took awhile, but I think it's better. He was done after nine years at his old firm, which was well past ridiculous. The new one is a great firm where he is building their public practice from scratch. It's big time and I'm super proud of him. Of course they also offer market leading infertility benefits, and irony is never lost on me. Too old for that shit, but it did cross my mind for about a nanosecond.

I also turned 42 in late September, which should/would have otherwise been an uneventful Monday. But that morning, my boss/client/whatever you want to call him called me at 9am right after I’d sent him an update email on our project to tell me the evening before his wife (of nearly 30 yrs) had stepped in front of a train. He was still reeling and waiting for their three grown kids (b/g twins + another daughter) to arrive home from all over to be with him. Talk about sad. I had only met her once briefly when they hosted a party for the team at their old home in Barrington Hills back when he was my CMO. I didn’t know she had a PhD and was a clinical psychologist. Just goes to show that you can “have it all” (and be a mental health professional) and still have and succumb to serious mental illness. He is the nicest guy (and basically my professional benefactor, as I’ve been able to work from home on my own hours making beaucoup bucks for the last three plus years because of him), and I’m just glad I was in a position to completely take the project over, so he had one less thing to worry about. Probably one of the saddest funerals I’ve ever been to, and for someone I didn’t even know. I just can’t imagine. Now I get to feel guilty for having my best year yet, and for making a bunch of extra money because his wife killed herself. Mostly using it to travel, which it seems she would have liked.

The twins just turned seven, though as always, the celebration is a month long as their big party was later in January, after all the holiday/break craziness dies down. They are both loving and doing great in school (1st grade), though I’m already worrying about fall when their regular trimester testing will determine if they get tracked for the magnet program (at yet another elementary school for 3rd-6th, and our neighborhood middle for 7th-8th), gifted (at their current/each school), or regular acceleration (which they have now).

She is consistently on track to qualify for magnet (98%ile or higher for both math and reading), while he is right on the cusp for the gifted program (95%ile plus). These are the same kids who didn’t do much “on time” folks, in case you are wondering how relevant most milestones are. So now I’m faced with separating them potentially (worst case), and while they have been in separate classes for three years (and separate preschools back in half day pre-K), it's not the same as a separate school, I'm not thrilled with the prospect. I wish they could stay where they are and get what they need, at a school of our choosing, though the magnet school is another great school of choice (it’s thing is Mandarin immersion, though I don’t know yet if the magnet kids automatically get into that program or not). Two schools with two different schedules (ours now is late start) on two different buses, on different ends of town isn’t ideal. We could move to get him into the school, though that would likely separate them for junior high, and feeds to a different high school, or I could apply to them as a choice school, but the decision would be due before she finds out. Ugh. Maybe we’ll be cramming for 2nd grade testing this summer like a bunch of fools. They don’t send a new group into each program until 5th, if they don’t make the cut for 3rd.

Finally took them to the pedi for their 7 year visit now that we are back and they are continuing off the charts tall. Operation try to chub up the kids continues.

Hence my main genetic offerings, smart and tall. Rock on giant geniuses!

Well hello...Summer

Summer seems to start earlier every year, so we've been trying to make the most of May.  My step father is still fighting his cancer, and undergoing chemo and his clinical trial, but since he is still feeling ok (and his latest scan, the week of my sister's wedding, showed his aggressive tumors are shrinking), we decided we should all take a little trip together. 

We went over to Holland, Michigan for the final Tulip Festival weekend and had a great time.  The weather was amazing, which made up the many of the flowers being past prime (again those earlier summers).  Our twins found two random flowers all alone and we declared them the twins.

The kids finish up preschool (forever!) next week and then their fourth year of summer camp (now up to four hours/day, yay!) starts right away, which is great because I've been keeping busy with work (my biggest project yet, a repeat of one I did last spring, but this time I'm doing it mostly myself).  It should wrap up at the end of June and then we are headed back to the Hamptons for the week of the Fourth, since back to school (kindergarten!!) events in mid-August required a rescheduling of our usual vacation time.  No showhouse for me this year, as it starts in late July. :(

The kids are doing great and while it's been crazy, I'm so glad that they each got to go to their respective schools this year.  We've met tons of new friends and are super excited about our new school. They will be in different classes since they always separate sibs, but they are old pros and will have some things together, including the bus rides.  They will be 5 1/2 in a few shorts weeks.  The time does fly my friends.

I'm working on figuring out what to do with myself come September when the kids are in school full time (~9-3 plus bus time).  I may do contract work while we get used to the new schedule, or if something great full time comes along, I may do that.  Anything to avoid all the home projects that still don't get done with kids in school just over two hours a day.  Ack!  I'm really not looking forward to finding someone to come help us in the afternoons/evenings (see also: why I'm still a SAHM) for when the kids get home, making dinner, watching them until we get home.  Ugh, time to bit the bullet after I procrastinate most of the summer.

Happy Memorial Day weekend!  Happy Summer!

New Schools and Year

It's been a hot and busy summer around here, so I've been off the blogs.  Living and loving real life.  Lots to update:

Marielle has already started at a new school, a local Catholic elementary, as it offers preschool for the same odd partial day that her brother will be in school.  It's her third and last year of preschool, though she'd be ready for kindergarten, if only she were a wee bit older.  It is also likely where she'd stay if we were living here and going private for elementary, but our public schools are crazy top notch (all their schools and others they could attend made this and all lists, which is another reason why we still haven't moved, our district is now amazeballs), so she is likely just going to the one down the street next fall.  This serious little girl is so big and just had to have her cardigan on and buttoned.  She just slays me sometimes.  You should have seen her dance recital, a total pro.

Alistair starts this week at yet another new preschool for his last year, the school district's, after I decided to get him assessed last spring.  He's always been a little slower than his sister (walking six plus months later, potty training a year later, etc.), though not behind his boy cousins, but she is a speedy one, so we weren't that concerned.  He's always been a leftie and sensitive (to sounds, bright light, temperature, feelings in general, etc.), and has had more trouble writing (switching back and forth/ambidexterous, less overall dexterity) and dealing with transitions.  I'd heard good things about the preschool, so we decided to give it a try.  They don't have stringent qualifications if they think they can benefit from help, so even though he has done fine in his other schools, we are hoping that some occupation therapy and extra help will get him really rocking and rolling to begin the all day kindergarten down the street arm in arm with his sister next fall.  He's also taking the bus, so that will be another exciting adventure.  My big brave boy is so excited!

After I put him on the bus, I felt jittery and thought I was really losing it (it's his first ride alone, but his third year of school).  But then I realized later when it didn't subside that I'd mistakenly had some caffeine, which totally wigs me out.  There should be some sort of disability program for mothers with low caffeine and alcohol tolerances like I have. 

My step-father's prognosis is sadly pretty grim.  He is doing well with his regimen of weekly chemo and daily radiation, but his surgery in a month or so to remove what they can of the very large tumor will be very debilitating and long term survival rates are low.  He is continuing to work as long as he can, as he wants to/can, and we are all just taking it as well as we can and we are spending lots of extra time up north to visit.

We just got back from visiting the Hamptons via NYC and Pittsburgh to beach it up and spend some time with my sister and her boyfriend (now officially fiancé, wedding date pending).  Lots of great fun, but enough for its own several posts...someday.

I've already completed a whole new project with my former CMO for the same client as the last.  And we have another international one for them on deck.  Working from home, on my own schedule, making bank with no overhead, using my brain and skills, not selling anything or abusing my social networks. Life is beautiful, so I'm riding this gravy train as long as it lasts.

We finally decided that we are in fact taking a trip sans twins for our tenth anniversary and my 40th birthday next month.  My mom will be busy travelling for her 50th high school reunion (though thankfully for us, my dad was opting out), so my dad and step-mother are coming down and taking on the kids for a long weekend, so we can get away.  We went back and forth about how far we were comfortable going (a few hour direct flight) and for how long (a few days) and also where (since we've been most everywhere within that proximity), but we settled on Savannah, since we've both never been and it's supposed to be fun.  We had such a great time with just an overnight away last year for DH's 40th, you'd think we'd do it more.  We can't wait!!

Making the bacon, in our new kitchen

After I finished my full time on-site seven week project in December (my first since the twins, after several false starts), I didn't have any short term plans to return to work, as I had turned down a project extension and another FT job offer.  But then my old CMO (a fellow twin parent and a super nice guy) gave me a shout last month and wanted to know if I could help him out with a project for another former colleague (who I coincidentally helped hire in our last job together and is now running a dept. for a major multinational out of Munich..).  He's a professor at Kellogg now, after being let go a week into his relocation to Switzerland (crazy people, I tell you), but he also does projects on the side. It was a sweet deal, so I was in.  Making (what I assume is) his obscene billable rate (he's Harvard Econ BA/MIT MBA/former McKinsey and has almost 20 years on me) and working bits here and there from home over a few weeks (even if it was spring break)?  Yes please.

Now we are all done with that and my kitchen nearly is too.  We still have to paint and install the new lighting and decide on a stove, but all the cabinets, farmhouse sink, quartz counters, fridge, beadboard, and tile backsplash (the big stuff) are all up and in.  It was in the planning stages since we moved in ten years ago and I could count the active reno in months and years, which I don't necessarily recommend, though it has actually been less disruptive, which was kind of the point.  But this room is truly a testament to my patience, when in doubt...

I have always loved arabesque tiles (that's the shape) and while these mosaics (at under 2"/ea) were smaller than most, I decided they would work in our decidedly smallish space.  They are porcelain with glass iridescent ones mixed in and the colors tie together our new stainless appliances, our slightly off-white cabs and counters, and our blue grey textiles.  Kinda exotic (I fell in love with tiles traveling in Portugal), and kinda beachy. Perfection, finally.

More pics when we are done, now on to the master bath...

Wrapping up 2015

The struggle is real...

Our babies turn four next weekend and we'll all be off to the city for a packed long b-day weekend.  We're actually staying at the same great hotel downtown we did for last year's b-day weekend.  The kids are super psyched, particularly about the pool.  I finish up my consulting project this week (thank goodness), though it has been extended through March, I opted out after my original contract, well I did agree to extend for this week to transition.

We'll spend Christmas at home and then it's off on a family road trip!  Long delayed (due to MIL's visit), but we are off to sunny Florida (the Emerald Coast) via Nashville (both new places for us).  We haven't been anywhere new (we're creatures of habit like that) in almost five years (our first trip to the Hamptons when I was expecting the twins), so it was time for some new scenery.  We are all excited for some non-lake sand between our toes.

So I'm returning to life as a SAHM, after my short term FT onsite project, and after turning down another FT permanent job last week that I was recruited for in Lake Forest several months ago.  It was so ridiculous, it's sad.  I actually semi-seriously considered it for a bit (all that money...), but it served as a means for me to flex my long dormant interviewing muscles (they still work!) and at least toy with the idea of trading non-paid manual labor for a position in senior leadership (Sr Director... of never seeing my kids) at a well regarded company.  I guess after all this time, you could call me an intentional SAHM now.  Only 20 months until they start full day kindergarten.

We're finally finishing up our seemingly never ending kitchen remodel, the only missing piece is the perfect backsplash tile, which so far has remained elusive.

Only a few weeks left until 2016, so excited to see what it will bring.  Happy Holidays!

It's been awhile...

And long enough that I've actually been back to work for a week.

When I left my full time job 4 1/2 year ago, I had no idea what the future held.  We'd lost our first baby and were getting ready to cycle again with our only two frozen embryos.  I'd finished my big project at work and was so done there. And then after my last day, my last grandfather passed away, I went to Vegas for a consulting project (and nearly missed the funeral due to delayed flights), got sick (you'd think it was all the partying, but more likely the flying, stress, and the desert.  It's always the desert, blah) and it was just days before I was pregnant again, this time with the twins.

I never planned to be a SAHM.  That and I didn't know it was possible.  I didn't marry the money, but we'd made decisions that had made it possible, but I didn't know if that's what I wanted and (being perfectly honest) I didn't know if it was/is the best use of my skills.  I still don't know.  I am an accidental homemaker.
 

But this week, I started a six week onsite consulting gig (at my 6-8 yrs ago former employer, holy deja vu, glad I don't work there FT anymore), the kids went to daycare and we all survived to tell the tale.

Mari decided to recycle her Anna costume dress from last year for their preschool party, and she strayed really far in choosing to be Elsa this year.  We are now moving on from Frozen.  Thank goodness.

Our Halloween weather was much better than last year, which was frigid, so the kids got a lot of good trick or treating in.  Up and down and around the block, which was plenty. (that's our elementary school you can see in the background, so yes we may never move).

DH turns the big 40 in two weeks and we'll be going up north for turkey weekend, which will include leaving the twins with my mom (and their cousins) overnight, so we can have our very first solo getaway since before they were born to balmy Minneapolis (my old HS stomping ground and somehow a corner of the world he's never been to).  Baby steps...

Enjoying our gorgeous fall day in the leaves

A Cape Nanny Diary (and more parenting lessons)

A big shout out to the twins who are 26 months old today! :)

When the winter gets way too long, I can't help but think about summer, and often that leads to the three summers in the late 90s I spent living and working as a nanny on Cape Cod while I was in college, as they were pretty formative for me.  I did keep diaries, but I didn't write a best selling book. ;)  But I probably learned more there that has been useful in life than in any other time/place (and not just how to sail and eat a lobster).  It was more of an education than a job really, thanks to the many people I met there.  The job broadly was carting kids to golf, tennis, sailing and swimming lessons and then laying on the beach, enjoying Nantucket Sound.  Rough, I know.  And now that I'm a mom, I look back at all of it in even a new light...

The first summer, I moved there to work for/live with a family (I'll call them the Potters), who lived in Wellesley Hills (near where I was going to college) but "summered" in Hyannis Port, a summer haven to the Kennedys for nearly a century, while the husband stayed back home and worked during the week.  They were my age now, with a daughter and son, who were seven and four the first summer I spent with them.

Lori had listed their position with the college, and I answered it when I determined I didn't have the resources, easy connections, or honestly the burning desire (can you say burnout?), to support a high powered professional internship all summer, but I would need to work, as I always had, to come up with my required contribution to my second year's college expenses, which were substantial.  I had no desire to go back home to WI to work for the summer, as I had before, so I figured a job that included room and board out East would be a good idea, and I had years of babysitting experience and awesome references.

Plus, I thought it sounded fun to spend the summer on the Cape, which I'd only visited once, and a welcome respite from my very busy schedule at school.  I was then in my first year attempting (to varying levels of success) to balance being a lab science major, with rowing crew competitively for the first time, working on campus (and in the '96 NH primary) and trying to have some sort of social life at a women's college.  Don't laugh.

 Rowing on the Charles

Lori and I hit it off right away when I went to their cozy white colonial near campus to meet for the first time.  They'd just bought their sprawling Cape home two years before (after she'd nearly died of meningitis) and their much loved previous summer nanny had apparently moved on.  Her husband, Ron, who was as big and blond as she was petite and brunette (she's a doppelganger for Jenny Sanford, he for a sober Ron White), and as being a hockey player would suggest, and since he worked very successfully in medical equipment sales around Boston, she left her "good job" and focused on being a traditional SAHW/M to their two adorable kids.  They'd originally planned a large family, she was the youngest (and a twin) of six, but she'd had difficult sickly pregnancies, so they'd packed it in after two.

Allie is now a BC grad, and works at an ad agency in Boston (sound familiar?).  Corey is finishing up at St. Lawrence...

Where does the time go...

Lori cooked and cleaned and sewed liked a fiend (I don't think she had help other than a summer nanny, which for her was as much about status as anything, and why she didn't have an au pair like nearly every other family there) and loved to throw herself into photography, decorating, and her extended daily work outs, even more than parenting really (the kids often complained about how little time they got to spend with both their parents).  They were basically right out of central casting and The Preppy Handbook (a copy of which she kept in my room).

  

The very first day I spent on the Cape, after driving down with the three of them (and their yellow lab) in their old school/woody Jeep Grand Wagoneer (above from TH), included lunch at "the golf club" (where JFK and Jackie had their engagement party) and a stop at "the beach club", where that day I met the scion (and Potter friend) who would later become my first serious boyfriend, and first proposal. 

HP harbor from his porch

Early during that first summer, I also met the Croydens (also not their real name) at "the yacht club", which is really just the simple town pier (above) that you see in just about every Kennedy picture ever taken in HP (this is where the razis would hang out every weekend, all summer to get a glimpse of someone, back in that day usually JFK Jr. (may he RIP) or the Arnold, going sailing).

Forget Taylor Swift, '96-'98 were the Carolyn years, here w/Friday the dog

Shannon "Croyden" had gone to Smith (so we were both of the seven sisters) and met her husband, Drew, a Stanford swimmer, when they were at BC Law.  Shannon was a few years younger than Lori, and unlike her had grown up summering in HP, like many, if not most, families there.  Shannon's family started and runs a MA based food company, which started to sell salad dressing from the family's steak house in Framingham, to now bottling for Newman's Own and having a huge retail and food service business.  There's a lot of money in salad dressing apparently.

She and Lori weren't good friends, but the story goes she'd called Lori to get my number after the first summer, and I started babysitting for her growing brood in their Newton house during the school year.  This apparently really annoyed Lori, though of course it was her doing and she didn't use me during the school year anyway.  Though apparently it was not enough to not have me come back for a second summer (after I'd gone home for the summer, I then drove all the way from WI to HP to rescue her and her kids from my apparently mentally unstable and brief replacement).

***

I loved the Potters (even w/all her neuroses), and they were all big fans of mine, so I probably would have gone back to live with them for a third summer, but by then I'd transferred to BC, was taking summer school courses in Boston (to graduate on time due to said transfer), and had an apt., job, and BF in Boston.  Not exactly condusive to a full time/live in arrangement.  But I was working for the Croydens during the year a lot, she was not shy with help, and from the first summer she'd gone from one baby to three.  She'd left her big firm job to stay home, had a young Mexican au pair live in to help, and whenever she went out, which was often and even sometimes when she didn't, I would help with her brood of tinies as the second sitter.

The third summer I actually ended up working/pinch hit parenting for the youngest of her four brothers, whose newly ex-wife had apparently had a life crisis and left their children to move to LA to find herself as an actress or something.  Like many men in HP, her brother worked out of town during the week and wasn't exactly a hands-on parent.  Their daughters were four and seven, and as I'm sure you can imagine, we're not in a great place emotionally after being "abandoned" by their SAHM.

"If you bungle raising your children, nothing else you do well matters very much..." -JBKO

Sailing off of HP

It was all very sad actually, I guess that is why I wanted to try to help them for as much of every week as I could get down to the Cape, usually at least 4-day weekends, while they had local girls fill in when I was back in the city.  And Shannon thought I'd have extra insight since my parents were divorced when I was about their age, but there are some problems no amount of insight, help (and money) can solve.  We all lived in her parents' summer house on the harbor in HP, until she bought the place across the street late that summer.

That was by far the most challenging summer, and by the end I'd lost a bunch of weight I really didn't need to, had come down with mono (the after effects still w/me 15 years later), had a cancer scare, and was growing tired of the Croyden clan.  The last weekend of the summer, the extended family were all off to Nantucket for Doug Kennedy's wedding and Shannon left her au pair (who was soon returning home) with no money, no formula for the newest baby, and no way to get any (since she didn't drive).  I, of course, helped her out with the money and a ride and then when I moved to a new place in Brighton at the end of the summer, I never looked back.  Some people just have their priorities too messed up for me to deal with constructively...

Doug and Molly Kennedy getting married in Nantucket

 (and not a hungry baby in sight...)

So sometimes I worry about becoming these kind of mothers.  Not that I think I am now, but I don't ever want to ever be.  So detached or otherwise consumed not even by work, but obsessed with what I consider nonsense (social climbing, your appearance, etc), as to forget that children are more than an accessory to some kind of greeting card life.  Anyone else ever feel like this?

And having been a beloved nanny, it sets the bar really high for what I'd look for in someone for our family.  Oh and there's the whole "I might be a little over-protective because I can't successfully conceive, carry, or birth my children without extreme measures and them nearly dying."  Oh yeah, there might be that...

We've been through a lot together, the kids and me, that I'm having a hard time bringing an outside person into our little circle as much as I know I need to.  I know I need to work (even more) on this, and I know they are only two, but I've given up most of my life (willingly) for them, and I think I want/need to try to reclaim a bit more of it.  Finally.  

But that means giving up some of the control that I lost in those three years waiting for them, that I've been reclaiming the last three in my complete undivided devotion to them.  But the reality is, I don't know if they need me to be there as much I need/ed them to be.  Know what I mean?  Any tips on getting past the dread of dealing with help?  I met a mom of triplets (plus one) recently who I could relate to when she said she skipped help so she wouldn't have another person to look after.

We've booked our Cape vacation and in looking for houses to rent, found that my friend (Australian au pair) Annette's cottage, well actually Lori's friend Julie's rented place, around the corner from her is for rent.  Ah, the cape life...

HP/1996

A last hurrah

Since the early summer, our family life has been rearranged for the big project that DH took on for our business.  Don't get me wrong, it was a great opportunity (courtesy of an old grad school friend of his, who is a professor at a local research university), but since I've chosen not to get help (or go back to work) yet, it has meant even more 100+ hour weeks for me solo with the kids.  We are glad to have daddy back soon, partly for me (and him) and partly because the kids are crazy about him, since we've finally come to the very last week of work.  We took the kids to the city on Saturday (since he had to go for work anyway) for brunch at Milk & Honey.  So so good and they are getting so big...

It is finally starting to feel like fall now, and I have so much from the summer that I didn't post about.  Maybe before November... :/  Happy Columbus Day! :)

Change of plans

As I mentioned last week, our first foray into full time outside childcare was not a huge success, even with all the thought, research and preparation that went into it. Yes, the kids seemed to have a good time (though they were exhausted) and their teachers reported that they did very well (even with food and nap times, which is what I was most concerned about logistically). But... We got very sick, though I don't know if that was entirely their fault, though it was a wake up call/reminder that this will be our new reality, and Mari got some sort of rash, that we have now cleared up. Oh, and the client delayed the project start. A series of omens, I figured.

Now that I am just starting to feel human again, though the decision was made several days ago, we are delaying our venture into our new life until I find a full time job I really want, and I find a nanny that I really like for the kids (both of which hopefully occurring in a symbiotic timeframe), as committing to full time school (where they can't go if they are sick, which they will be more often), while committing to consulting work (where I have less flexibility and don't get paid if I'm not working), probably doesn't make a lot of sense unless my primarily goal was to be away from my kids (by having a back up sitter), in the most complicated fashion possible. I have no desire/need to hire help with them if I'm not working, that money is already going to beef up their college funds. And honestly with the likely therapy that Alistair will need, and the other things we have going on (planning/going to India, etc.), we have some time sensitive things that take priority.

So we are going to continue/start up some new activities for fall and see where things go. They love going to play at the gym (my most regular adult activity), music, art, and play class, and the library activities. I just discovered that there are private offerings of (non-competitive) soccer for kids this age. Crazy, right? That should be good for them too.

On working

A long time ago, nearly two years ago now, I wrote about leaving my job in my effort to become a mother. Well next week, I'm going back to work for the first time in nearly two and a half years. When I left way back then, my intention was to do freelance consulting work while we figured out how to build our family, which I did, albeit briefly, until I got pregnant with the twins. Then we took the summer to ourselves, and then I gave up my life in pretty much every respect in hopes of bringing them to term. Then after they were born, I turned down work (and pretty much everything else) to be home with them and breastfeed for their first year, since I decided those were the most important things to me. And then I struggled with whether to go back full time (permanently) or continue to do freelance work. All the time, this has taken a way back seat to being with the kids.

With the summer winding down, I finally just decided to stop turning down work.  I've known for a very long time that I'm not a career mom (where your primary career is to be a mom), though I think I'm pretty good at it and have treasured devoting all my time to my kids.  My first project will last about six weeks, the next about six months, taking me well into next spring. The kids are going to school and I am going back to work. It still sounds weird to say. I hope I remember how to do something other than love, cook, feed, clean, change, play, wash, repeat... 

Once upon a time, I was respected by people who could speak in complete sentences, and who don't crap their pants (though not as loveable), I even out earned my well compensated husband. It is amazing what you'll give up when you can't have a family. Fortunately (and somewhat surprisingly), we can live pretty happily on one salary, but I know enough to know that the longer I'm out of the game, the less relevant and valuable I become, despite my expensive education and many years of diligent experience. And as wonderful (and hard working) as my dear hubby is, I've never wanted to be dependent on anyone else for my own or my/our kids' needs. (see also: not dropping out of college to become a trophy wife) 

So I know everyone has a different take on all of this, but as hard as it is to see the kids grow up and all of us leave the nest, I know that it will be good for all of us, we'll all just need to up our game.  Wish us luck! 

19 months old

So we are closer to two than not and everyone is very busy, which is why it appears we've taken the summer off of blogging. Marielle is getting the rest of the mouth of teeth that her brother has had for months (since he got a six month head start on her) and for whatever reason eluded her, but she is a tough cookie. Alistair is getting better at walking, he can stand by himself going from downward dog to squat (my kids are funny like that).  Summer here is the best, when it's not raining or a hundred degrees, but that is enough for a whole other post.

This is what happens when there is an ant on the floor...  The NSA has nothing on these two.

Taking a break from playing 

We are getting ready for our Hamptons vacation. I am very excited, though we decided to drive, so that part of the trip will be kind of a drag (I hate driving across PA with a passion, and since we aren't headed farther north/to the Cape, going the NY way doesn't make sense).  We had wanted to fly in preparation for our big trip to India in December, but honestly driving the 1,800 miles round trip is a probably a more accurate proxy (if there is one) for what traveling to India will be like (time and schlepping wise), plus we have a lot of crap to take for the kids and flying just didn't seem feasible. 

We are looking forward to spending time with their auntie Jen, since we don't get to see as much of her as we'd like now that she lives in Brooklyn, instead of the Twin Cities.  I'm a New Englander at heart, though after college (and then again in 2002, after I'd moved back to Boston again) I made the difficult decision to move back and settle in the Midwest to be closer to my family (trading the ocean for them), though they are still 300 miles away (which is close enough). Happily now we can enjoy both together.

It looks like I'll be starting a six month project when we get back, so we are getting the kids geared up for "school". DH has also taken on a large project for his/our business (on top of his FT job), so things are busy busy around here. It's hard to believe we are already on the back half of summer.
Hope you are having a great one!

Passing of the old guard and good advice

As Chicago mourns the passing of movie critic and Illinois son, Roger Ebert, and the world of politics, Margaret Thatcher, and the entertainment world, Annette Funicello, I came across a bit in Lilly Pulitzer's obituary in the Washington Post that caught my eye.

After having three kids in five years, she had a nervous breakdown and while in a mental hospital in NY recovering, a doctor told her she had to get a job.  He apparently told her, "you are not happy because you are not doing anything," she recounted to The New Yorker in 2000 (clearly she had plenty of help).  She said she always gave the same prescription to her friends, if they were bored, she'd open one of her stores in their town.

“I don’t know how to explain what it was like to run my business, the joy of every day,” she told Vanity Fair magazine in a story in 2003. “I got a kick every time I went into the shipping department. ... I loved seeing (the dresses) going out the door. I loved them selling in the shop. I liked them on the body. Everything. There’s no explaining the fun I had. "

I need to find something that makes me feel that way.  The joy that my children bring me is amazing, but as I always knew I would, I need to find and have something that is mine.  I am looking at a new consulting project, which will likely be full time for several months, but I'm wondering if I need to do something different.  You know something risky, that really stretches me and gets me out of my comfort zone.

Blogging and living

I was humbled to see that I already have some blog followers over on Bloglovin, which is where I guess I'm headed now that the brilliants at Google have decided to shut down Reader. 

Sorry I haven't been around much lately. We have lots going on, and I'm just not making time to write, though I try to follow along with all of you. 

Latest news over here is as the kids continue to thrive, I'm thinking of going back to work and getting a nanny and resuming the somewhat adult life that I always planned.  So if you have any words of wisdom on that front, I'd love to hear your experience.  I used to be a nanny (college summers/live-in/Hyannisport), which I could write a whole book about, though I don't think that makes it much easier to hire one to be honest.

Anyway, thanks for following along my (not so great lately) blog...  Reader will be gone come July.

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From supernanny to superpatient to supermom...

This time of year always reminds me of school and work, which for me have always been synonymous, until this year of course. I started working as a babysitter (gulp) 23 years ago, as soon as I turned 12, and it was a significant source of income for me for many years, helping me pay for travel in high school and work my way through college. It has been so long, in fact, that some of my former charges now have kids of their own. I started my first "real" job four years later, working at a local apple orchard in their retail store w/my sister E for three fall seasons, which I'm also always reminded of this time of year.

I remember being so excited to start babysitting as soon as my mother would let me. First for neighbors, then co-workers of my parents (half the drs. in town), teachers, and referrals (including the couple who owned our local athletic club, setting me up for a summer getting buff and working in their day care). I literally worked for dozens of families before I got out of high school. I've always loved kids and it was undoubtedly great experience for someday becoming a mother myself, and also for experiencing first hand how other households were run. I ended up continuing in college, almost by accident, when it came time to decide what to do for the summer. When I decided I wasn't going to NYC to intern on Wall Street, I lived in during the three summers w/two families in Hyannisport and also worked weekends during the school year for the same Boston area families. Exactly a decade after I started, I "retired". Had I been more entrepreneurial at the time, I would have started a business, like fellow babysitter extraordinaire/college classmate Genevieve Thiers, a fellow Chicagoan who founded sittercity.com. She's quite a dynamo, and is now ironically expecting twins herself.

So now for over a decade, after as long immersed in all things kids, I've been shaping my adult life and grinding in the corporate world in preparation for when I would finally become a mother myself. Sadly, the last three years we have also been immersed in the world of infertility medicine, but we are obviously thrilled to finally be planning in real terms for our kids/family to come this fall. Like most women, I always considered staying at home, but I don't ever think I ever really thought I would. IF (and now bed rest) definitely ended up forcing my hand, which like when I got sick w/mono at the end of that last summer in college, forced me to cull the unnecessary out of my life. Though I couldn't be more thrilled to be solely focused on our family, for now anyway.

Though the more I think about SAH long term, the more I think that I will end up going back to work at some point, either for myself or back in the corporate world. While it is certainly an honorable vocation, it seems many SAH either because that's all they've ever wanted or been able to do and/or because paying for care for their children is just more than they would make in the workforce, making it less of a choice. From my experience, I think it is really important for children to have positive interaction and myriad role models outside of the family, thus making room for mom to have other interests.  And obviously the resources that are brought to bear by working, provide their children opportunities that those living more simply to SAH are not privy to.

So after all this time, it is so wild to think that in ten or so short weeks, I will have my very own kiddos. :)

On not working

Thanks Linda for the post topic!  She was wondering about my decision to leave my job for our latest cycle.  This came after the decision to take an unpaid leave of absence for my fresh cycle last November, which I think helped me then. (see "what we did" post from December)  I apologize in advance that this is long and rambling, but as you can see it wasn't a decision that we came to quickly or without a lot a crap going down first.

Back when we were planning to cycle last Sept/Oct (after my last septum/lap surgery and before my FIL passed away unexpectedly delaying our cycle to Oct/Nov), I had spoken with my boss about what we were doing and that I'd like to take some time off to focus on our cycle.  He was very supportive, having a brother who with his wife had been through the IVF process as well (they now have twins).  I then had to spend a lot of time with HR to try to figure out how to make it work.  They wanted me to apply for STD, which I knew I wouldn't, and didn't, qualify for, as my RE would only write me out of work for ER and ET (two days).  I finally ended up taking a personal leave, when we got to cycling in November.  I gave up those weeks of my salary and that portion of the year's bonus, but I didn't have to use any of my PTO time, which I cashed out when I left the company.  After doing some research, I also requested that it not count against my 12 weeks of guaranteed time for FMLA, since it was obviously our plan to get pg and need that time for maternity leave, which would have been paid through STD and my saved PTO.

I found out I was pg over Thanksgiving and returned to work the next week.  I worked for just over a month before we lost that pregnancy.  My boss was then very understanding and let me take a week off (off the books) and then I came back to work partial days for the next.  After DH returned from India, we began our recovery and planned for our next/FET cycle with our two remaining embryos from our cycle, it became increasingly apparent to me/us that we needed to focus our energies even more on what we doing. 

Originally, I was meant to be on the road for work from late Jan-April (my 2nd tri for my 1st pg, which I thought would work out, though the pg didn't), but then in December found out that this would be delayed.  After I returned to work in January after our loss, it turned out that the powers that be were considering delaying the roadshow launch even further.  I had an honest discussion with my boss, my former boss (who was still leading the project, but was now on a new team), and my boss's boss about how our plans to cycle again would be our priority and that I would need to have someone fill in for me on the road if I needed to be home for appointments on certain days.  They were supportive, but honestly the project was so unstable at that point, that I think they were just agreeing to whatever I was saying because they needed me to stick around and help get it off the ground whenever that time came.

I don't remember exactly when DH and I started talking about me leaving my FT job completely.  I think I brought it up sometime after the new year.  I had been unhappy for some time and a lot had happened since I had started there in the fall of 2009, which was when we began our first treatment cycle.  I had completed a mini-MBA program in Feb 2010, which my employer had helped to pay for, so I was obligated to stay on for one year after that, to avoid having to repay those funds.  I was also looking forward to collecting my annual bonus at the end of March, which I was definitely sticking around for.  So this became our new target.  Sometime in late winter, they decided to cancel the roadshow for my project completely, which was somewhat of a relief, but also upset me given I'd devoted 18 months of my life to this project, and it was pretty clear that they were screwing up the launch.  I made it known that I didn't agree with this decision and at some point a new, scaled back launch plan was suggested.  I again reminded everyone that I would be available only to the extent that whatever schedule they came up with didn't interfere with what we were doing. 

It wasn't until mid-March that we were able to begin meds for our FET, given the time required post-m/c to regulate and get back on track.  By this time, I was counting down the days.  At the end of the month, I got my evaluation, bonus and raise, and after leading the training session that was to replace most of our roadshow, gave my two week notice.  I worked until mid-April, two weeks before our transfer.  Another reason why I was comfortable leaving without another job lined up, was that the consulting firm I had worked for before I went over the corporate side in 2005, said that they had work for me to do.  I did my first, and what has turned out to be only, project for them immediately after I left my FT job.  This was the intense project in Vegas that almost cause me to miss my grandfather's funeral in April.  After this and getting pg w/twins from our cycle, I have opted not to do much in the way of work which is good now that I'm totally out of commission, though I have been networking, with another consulting firm adding me to their roster of contractors.

We had used the rest of our $15K lifetime max for infertility treatments, through DH's work, on our fresh cycle, so we knew we'd be OOP for whatever came next, unless/until I found a new job with IF benefits.  We had saved up enough to do several cycles OOP, if that became necessary.  I also did a ridiculous amount of research and even applied to work for companies where IF benefits were available.  Given our age, history, focus on having a family (not having kids has never been a viable option for either us, and we have discussed adoption at length), and ability to live on one salary since we live below our means, while we figure out what is going to happen, it made sense for us. 

Though long term given my earning ability, which is significantly more than the cost of having someone else care for two kids while I work, I will likely go back to work in some capacity by the time the kids are two/in pre-school in order to help provide the comfortable lifestyle that we'd like to provide for our family.  Those 529s don't fully fund themselves unfortunately...  And unlike someone I was reading the other day in response to determining their family size, I won't expect my kids to just be thankful to be alive, even though there is no plan/ability to take care of them adequately.  This might be the single most ridiculous and irresponsible thing I've ever read, and I know all about this first hand.  They should expect some support from their parents in making something of themselves.  I don't expect them to start working at 12 or work three jobs through college, like I did.  But unless we have a family, the money really means nothing and the things that it can buy (besides IF treatments, of course) can wait.  But my biological clock doesn't stop ticking...

Now that I'm on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy, I (and all my Drs.) are very glad that I'm not having to deal with an employer.

Last day of work!

And it couldn't come soon enough!  I am so tired, and I don't really know why.  I've been sleeping better lately than I have in a long time, though it was awfully hard to get up this morning.  I am so ready to get off these meds.

My CMO, who's been spending most of his time working in Brazil lately so I haven't seen much of him, took the time to stop by yesterday to say goodbye and wish me luck.  I haven't told anyone but my boss (and a few co-workers) about what we have and are going through, but he did ask if it was okay to tell people up the chain why I was going on leave last year, so my CMO knows.  He was very nice and wanted to know what I was doing next (if I was going to work) and to let me know that I was welcome to come back if I wanted (not likely) or that he'd be happy to give me a recommendation if I needed one in the future.  It made me feel really good that all my efforts here over the last year and a half haven't gone completely unnoticed and that I'm leaving on decent terms.

Now if I could just take a nap...

It's finally Spring!

Though it feels like we skipped right to summer.  What a glorious weekend it was here!  It was in the 60's on Saturday and well into the 80's yesterday, the warmest weather of the year so far.  Amazing!  I had an big burst of energy, so I got a lot done.  It was a good weekend to have all the windows (and doors) open so I did some spring cleaning and finally got to some painting (our second living room end table, the trim in the powder room and guest bath, and the back door).

This Wednesday is my last day at work.  It is a little weird.  It's the first time I've quit my job without another FT one lined up in almost ten years.  But we've got a ton going on, so it's not like I'll be sitting around.  I leave this Sunday for the Vegas project.

The last two weeks I've been to the acupuncturist, she's been doing the "Swedish Protocol" on me.  Unlike the last year and half when I've laid on my back and she's put needles in my head/face, stomach, arms/hands, legs/feet, she's put me on my stomach and used just a few in my upper (for anxiety) and lower (for my ute) back, to which she attached the little charger so I felt/looked like a middle school science project.  This is supposed to be pumping up my lining, and I believe that it is because I can actually feel my ute twitching during and after.  Totally bizarre.  I'm going again on Thursday to get in another session before my lining check on Friday morning.  Though this has never been an issue for me before, we aren't leaving anything that would potentially delay our transfer to chance.

If all is good this Friday, then I just have a P4 check a week from Thursday, and the transfer on the 27th.

Since there are so many things that could go wrong with this cycle, I'm starting to look into where we would want to cycle again if for any reason this FET doesn't work out.  I don't know anything about our embies, so we've probably got a roughly 50/50 shot. Our intention is to keep cycling until either we get a take home baby or we decide we just can't do it anymore. It should be an interesting summer... ;)

Making it happen

Since we are planning to live on less than half of what we are used to, and since I figured replacing FT work stress with FT money stress would defeat most of the reason for leaving my job, and we are determined to have children regardless of the cost (though we are not going into debt), we decided to make some changes...

We'd probably have sold our house already if the market was better since we have so much tied up in it and we'd both rather live in the city, but instead we decided to refi (again).  This made me kind of sad as it was just over a year ago that we finally pulled the trigger on moving to a 15 yr. from a 30 yr. mortgage (before me leaving my job was on our radar), since we were already paying extra and wanted to lock in a super low rate.  We figured this was the best way to make staying put worthwhile and build even more equity faster, since property values certainly aren't appreciating any time soon.  Just to show the power of this, we've paid off another 5% of our principle in the last year, the same as we had the previous four.  Crazy, right?  The 15 year would have saved us six figures in interest over the life of the loan (and a decent amt. in just the first yr.), but it also obviously ties up more money, so away it went.  Since our property taxes have nearly doubled since we bought five years ago, the refi saved us less monthly than it could have, but it's significant none the less.  We will pay extra when we can.  We also saved by using the same company we refied with last time.

I have also paid ahead nearly two years on my new car payments, so I have the option of not making additional payments until then, if I choose.  So I also have a lot of equity in my car if we decide to cash out and downsize.  Or if we don't use our savings on treatments, I will just pay it off and drive it for a long time.

I also (sadly) lowered my contributions to my 401k from the max to the match level (6%) and have been squirreling away the rest.  The money we have/will put in a Roth is also tax preferred, but it is easily accessible without penalty (the principle anyway) for worst case scenario, unlike 401k funds which will not be touched.  I convinced myself this wasn't the end of the world, since we are already way ahead of the game on retirement savings in large part thanks to DH.

As you've probably noticed, we haven't been traveling or buying as much stuff as usual.  These are all just negligible parts of the budget now.  It's amazing how much money can be spent when it's there and all other bases are covered (and you have expensive taste).  We've also held off on our remaining planned home improvements as they are big, but not emergent.  Tying up more cash in a new kitchen and master bath will just have to wait.  All the unexpected trips to India were mighty expensive, but that is why we live below our means as a general rule, so that the unexpected doesn't cause undue additional stress.  DH has been instrumental in getting me to be even more conservative with my spending, as he is crazy disciplined.

I will have used up all of the $5K we put in my FSA by this week (on prepaid acu, RPL testing, FET, etc.), but we've discovered that since I am leaving my job that this makes DH eligible to set up one of his own after open enrollment.  We have enough time to find out if this coming cycle works before setting aside another $5K in his FSA to help cover our next fresh cycle, if we need to do another this year.

Most importantly, DH's take on his job situation is that he would have to be involved in a work sex scandal to be at risk with the amount of new business he is bringing in.  Did I mention that I married him because he's adorable and funny?

Oh and that "new" job of mine...  Since my reputation apparently precedes me, they are already staffing me for a quick project before my FET, in Vegas!  I'm not actually a huge fan (I'm lame, I know this), we went for DH's 30th, but there are worse things than getting paid for 40 hrs of work, when it's really only two days, and those are at Mandalay Bay.  Extra bank for me! :)

A long time coming...

Well the big news is... I've quit my job. It's not news that I've been miserable for a long time, but there wasn't much that I could do about it, as I was basically an indentured servant due to my signing bonus and tuition reimbursement. I also wanted to stick around to collect the year end bonus that isn't given until March. I clearly didn't really know what I was getting into when I started, and sadly took a lot on faith to join former colleagues from my last job at my current company. A lot has changed for us too as I started the same month as our very first IUI, so we had no idea we'd still be struggling and now without insurance coverage. The sad thing is I could have left sooner if we weren't dealing with the quagmire that is IF. When will it end? How much money will we have to burn through before we get a take home baby? Unfortunately these are still unanswerable questions.

Lately there has been a lot of weird stuff going on that has accelerated my desire to leave from ASAP to yesterday. I won't bore you with the details, but I've known for a long time that I wouldn't be staying here forever, but it has just gotten worse and frankly pretty ridiculous. So probably a little late in the game, but we've been really saving our pennies lately to make this happen, so we've got plenty to do cycles OOP pocket if/when it comes to that.

Who gives up a "secure" six figure salaried job w/otherwise good bennies and a 10 minute commute when the economy is still puttering? Well, apparently this one right here does... Since our priority right now is my health, sanity, and getting and staying pregnant, I honestly don't really care.  We can live off DH's salary and I figure I've got 30 years to climb the corporate ladder, or more likely make a way for myself.  I've had a job since I was 12, and often more than one, so I've always had my own money, but now we're a family and we'll be spending our money differently than we have up until now. Though I think long term, we want to have two incomes to live the life that I/we want.

But I do have a new gig set up. Well, if what's old is new again. Almost six years ago, I left my consulting job to move over to the corporate side of the table. Then came commuting two years to a job downtown, another 2 at another company on the N. Shore, and then the year and half where I am now. I am going back to my consulting firm to do contract work. They would happily hire me full-time, but I will get plenty of work (or as much as I want) working hourly and just having some money coming in will be nice. They are also conveniently headquartered in Boston, so if/when we need IF coverage, I could opt to get on their rolls (as MA has an awesome mandate). I'm thinking I might do some freelance consulting before and after babies.

The only major drawback (since the firm and its quirks are basically a known commodity) is that I'll have to start commuting downtown again. I did this for nearly two years when we first moved to the burbs, but it's been awhile. I will likely take the Metra again (suburban rail) while I can for the hour plus trip, which is conveniently just a few minutes drive from our house, but can drive when I have appts. (though getting to Gurnee and then downtown during the AM rush will be interesting). Fortunately, the weather is warming up and the haul and walk across the loop will be less painful than it is in winter.

I can't wait to get out of here, as I know better things are on the horizon...

Good and Bad

I got some seemingly good, but very surprising, news late last week. The project I've been on at work for the last year and a half that was supposed to launch in late January, and was rescheduled for April, is now likely launching without the roadshows that would have required me to live on the road for all of April and May. Yippee!!!

I was very relieved to hear this as we are gearing up for our FET in that time frame. And even though I do have a rough schedule for my FET, it is all dependent on when AF comes (hopefully late this week) and how my monitoring appts. go after BCP and Lupron (tentatively @ end of March) and my lining check in ~mid-April. Then the transfer would be ~ the end of April. As you know if you've been through this process, these exact dates are not knowable in advance, and if my IVF was any indication AF, will take its sweet time to arrive.

This was a major wrinkle to me being present at all of the 16 cities we had planned for the seven weeks from launch to Memorial Day, though my bosses were very understanding when I told them that I would need a back-up, but wouldn't know more than a week or so in advance whether or not I'd be at any given city (or not).

So if this isn't happening at all, it's one less this for me to worry about coordinating. Thank goodness.

The bad news is that since we are now OOP and saving every penny, we've decided to forgo any travel this spring until we knew more about what was going on with us, even though we haven't been anywhere since last summer (not counting India, as it certainly wasn't a vacation). But we had been thinking seriously about having DH join me at the launch in San Francisco and taking a weekend in Napa/Sonoma while I can still wine taste (gotta love FETs!). It is one of my favorite places, but DH hasn't been, so we thought it would be a nice little getaway that wouldn't be totally on our own dime. But this is now off.

Also, it is very odd for us to launch a project in this way. All of the other projects have roadshows, and the alternative that has been suggested is not going to be very effective in getting us to our $1B growth goal. Just another indication of the short sightedness of my company and how even though they are a major multinational financial services firm, it's run like a start up where no one knows what they are doing. Which is not terribly comforting for as long as I have to be here.

On that note, I've been applying for new jobs, but am thinking I will hang tight until at least the end of our cycle in May. Not that our FET outcome is any guarantee (obviously), but I've gone from always thinking I'd go back to work after baby, to not wanting to work after baby, to not really wanting to work while pg. Not that this would be the "responsible" thing to do given the opportunity cost, we could certainly manage, but I'm actually getting tired of always doing the most responsible thing (from a purely financial perspective) as it hasn't really gotten us much of anywhere in our real lives in any way that really means anything and it is rarely been what we've wanted. So we'll see...