Autonomy

Though you certainly don't need to be a parent to understand the horror of what happened in Connecticut last week (and frankly as an infertile, I find the repeated illusion to this pretty offensive).  As I along with many other parents first impulse was to wish we could put our kids back in our wombs or at least locked in the house to protect them from violent evil in the world (which obviously is not a positive solution to a very sad and complicated problem), I was ironically simultaneously marking the end of our very long physical journey through getting my body ready to pregnant, trying to get pregnant, drugging up in hopes of getting pregnant, drugging up to stay pregnant, being confined to bed to stay pregnant, getting sliced open to give birth, and then nursing/pumping for the last twelve months while caring for two infants.  A good five plus years in all. 

And now I have complete personal physical autonomy, and it feels great, if almost completely foreign.  As I expected, my energy level rebounded almost immediately after I stopped pumping last week, thank goodness.  I ended up stopping a few days early as my transition down to one pump a day didn't last long as my supply dropped off the cliff.  I can only hope my cycles don't kick my ass when they eventually return.  My elder sister, the uber fertile with a nearly three decade history of gyne issues, opted to get a hysterectomy last week with her diastasis repair, as hers were so bad after her last pregnancy.

Even in the many months that I was getting full nights of sleep, the pumping was syphoning off every bit of extra energy that I had.  I was literally not able to eat or sleep enough to not feel like I was starving and exhausted all the time and I was eating a lot, all the time.  And while I know you can, and many do, drink while breastfeeding, I found that even a little wine would not only make me more tired, it would kill my supply, which was already an issue that we battled for so long.

Now I just need to set about getting back all the strength I lost from being on bed rest.  Honestly, going to the gym has been near the bottom of the list of my priorities.  I knew BFing and chasing after the kids this last year would make my 50 pound pregnancy weight gain evaporate, but I was often reminded of the fact that had I had the energy to devote to getting my strength back, it would have likely made my daily care taking responsibilities easier, or least less pain inducing.  I have been back to the chiropractor for awhile now, though I know that she can not fix what I need to do for myself.

Thankfully, there are many things I do well, but obviously the key elements of reproduction are not any of them.  How amazing is it that I/we live in a time when people with all my issues are able to become parents?  Truly amazing...

Six more weeks

I can not believe how close we are to the twins' first birthday.  Their party is scheduled for just after the new year, but the big day is just over a month away.  Oh my goodness...

A sampling from our photo shoot...

We are still plugging along with the pumping schedule, though this last week was a doozy.  Mastitis and bleeding, coming from inside (hello pink milk)

and outside (my nipples might come off completely), don't make for a good way to finish up.  I thought I might have to stop completely over the weekend, but we are still going for now.  I obviously can't speak for those who feed at the breast or only have one mouth to feed, but this breastfeeding thing is certainly not for wimps, that is for sure.  I'm already plotting out what I'll do with all my time when I am done pumping.

I am so happy that it has worked out for us, that I had some milk and pumps (and formula too, so no one starved to death), but I'd be lying if I said I enjoyed it or would happily do it again (but since we are done, I guess that doesn't really count).  Definitely worth it, but not easy that's for sure.  It might be one of my only personal accomplishments from the last ten months.  That and helping me lose all the baby weight (the fifty I gained and another ten for good measure).

And Halloween went great, the kids didn't like their hats (of course the part of their costumes I spent the most time on), but fun was had by all

The complete Paddington, including a suitcase for marmalade.

Now that Mari is mobile, she doesn't want any part of holding still for pictures.  She must be moving at all times.   The smallest and bravest one was Madeline...

 

Breastfeeding/Pumping

So we are at seven months of breastfeeding (or rather pumping, to be precise), and plan to keep going to the end of the year, so I figured it was time to share whatever wisdom I have derived from the process of over 1,000 pumps in and nearly that many left to go... :/

Commonly breastfeeding is cheaper than the alternative, though this was not why we wanted to breastfeed.  I can't claim this has been the case for us, as you will see from all the crap equipment we needed to pull this off, but it was important to me to do even though/especially since we had twins and they were early.

I do admit to some regret over not being able to feed the twins at the breast (add it to the list of things that didn't go according to plan; conception, pregnancy, childbirth, etc., etc.), but rather just from it, but we always try to make the best of our situations and seem to now be experts of the work around.  My milk came in on day three, which from what I understand is pretty speedy considering I had an emergency C-section before 37 weeks.  We started with them at the breast and even in the few days when there we almost nothing there (drops of colostrum), we were also pumping.

I've considered trying to get them back on the breast several times, but decided that even though I have tried everything to up my supply (water, fenugreek, oatmeal, etc., etc.), it is what it is (regardless of how often I pump) and since we still have to supplement, I decided it would probably just make more sense to keep them on bottles rather than doing both at each feeding.  Though now that they are eating twice/day for the last month, they are getting almost all breast milk, or roughly 40 of the 50 ozs. they eat, and we use even less formula than we have in the past.  Now that they are down to four feedings/day, I am also pumping four times/day.

So here goes, the haul...

We started out in the hospital with the Medela Symphony pump. 

This is a serious piece of equipment, but I unfortunately had a bad experience with it.  Maybe in my over zealousness to get my supply going, and a lack of proper medicating in the hospital, it caused me severe uterine contractions in the days post delivery.  Like please kill me now pain.  So for anyone who thinks I got off easy with not one but two different nearly painless labors (in Sept. and Dec.) and a C-section, there you go.  We all get ours in the end.  I had to be more heavily medicated thereafter, but I was not deterred.

At home, I had already bought a Medela Pump in Style Advanced. 

This is perfectly fine pump, but after somehow managing for nearly a month, maybe because DH was home, I finally decided that having to sit with this monster to pump seemingly all day and night while simultaneously caring for two newborns was not going to work.

So then, I bought the Medela Freestyle.

This is similar to the PISA, but is smaller, lighter, and is portable since it has a rechargable battery, so it doesn't need to be plugged in while you are pumping.  NB: the PISA can be used with a battery pack, but I would imagine that too is very cumbersome.  The Freestyle has worked well for us.  It is "easy" to take along when we travel, and yes I have pumped in the car (though not while driving) on long trips.

That leads me to the other thing that I had that I wasn't sure if I would use.  My "free" nursing cover. 

This has been very handy even though I am pumping exclusively.  It may sound strange, but sometimes you need to pump when close family is around and I'm not going to go hide in a corner to do this (and the kids still need to be cared for).  I hook up in private, cover up, and go about my business and no one seems to mind.

Another must have are good pumping bras.  I've found the bandeau style ones to work well, though I have a halter as well.  I have several of these by Medela.  (I know this post sounds like a big ad for them, but they just make all this stuff...)

When not pumping, I've found that simple, inexpensive (not too elastic or tight) sports type bras work well.  For those like me who would otherwise not wear a bra to sleep, which is not an option while BFing IMO, these are much more comfortable.  I've tried wearing and now have a dozen different sizes of regular bras from pregnancy and post, but since I am home, comfort and easy accessibility are key.

Now, for nipple care. 

When I was feeding them at the breast, I was using lanolin cream and the gel pads from the hospital, but when we started pumping full time, I had to switch things up.  I've tried several brands and settled on these, though there are certainly many other kinds.

I could not live without my Medela gel pads, which is why we spend a small fortune to keep me in them.  I've tried going without and it just doesn't fly.  I'm sure having two babies on my nipples would be rough, but the pump is also very tough of them.

I don't have a problem with leaking much anymore, but when you are abusing your nipples with a pump as much as I do, you need some padding.  Again, I've tried to go without and no dice.  I've found that I like the pads from Lansinoh the best, though I've tried others as well.

Like many others, we love our Dr. Brown's bottles.  When we first got home and were pinch hitting and feeding them from the simple Medelas that came with the pump, we had some minor spit up issues.  But once we got these, those all but disappeared.

Since we had MIL here when DH went back to work, from 1-5 months, the kids were held while they were fed, but now that I am flying solo and we've put the kids on a schedule, we really use our Boppy pillows for feedings a lot.  BTW, they are now also perfect for sitting practice.

That's it, but please chime in if there is anything that you recommend that I may have forgotten. :)

12 weeks and (form) Letters from the President

I got the kids dressed up to go to the temple on Saturday, but we got there and the temple was closed (N.B. the temple is never closed), but at least we got some cute pics.  I know I sound like a broken record, but they are really getting big.  I just ordered size two diapers, she's over 10 lbs. and he's over 12, so they have now been in four sizes in the last 12 weeks.  My mom is coming to hang out with us for a few days this week while my BIL is still home on paternity leave.  After he goes back to work, we may not be seeing her again for awhile.  She hasn't been here since January when MIL arrived from India.  Having them both here = date night!  Our first since we went to the Hamptons in August.  Needless to say, we are very excited. :)  Having a little freedom may actually get my butt in gear for the ultimate sitter search.

The kids are doing great and are only getting up once at night now (~2-3am), when DH and I usually both get up so I can pump and we can feed them both.

We received our WH greetings recently (thanks for the tip M!), though they strangely addressed the envelopes to DH and me, but fun for the baby books none the less.  These mean even more to me since I have met and chatted with our president (at a fundraiser for his Senate run in 2004) and he was elected when I was in my first 2ww on this crazy journey...

The big news is I'm starting to get some feeling back in my hands!  I can't tell you how good this feels.  I'm not sure whether it's just a function of time (it has been nearly three months now...) or if the acu is actually helping.  She started out just working generally on my hands, but the last few weeks she's been pulling out the big guns.  She's been doing moxa for awhile now, where she applies heat to the needles in my hands.  And then she went for needles in the tips of my fingers, which is as bad as it sounds, but showed us I did have some feeling deep down in there afterall.  Ouch.  Then last week, she "bled" my fingers, which is almost as bad as it sounds, where she pricks the tips, getting a drop or so to get things going.  Sounds very weird, I know.  But you get desperate after so long and I trust her completely after over two years.  I will probably only continue to go to see her until the rest of my prepaid sessions are up in a few more weeks.

My MIL is helpful during the day and does a lot of cooking.  It is pretty standard in Indian families for the parents/inlaws to come and stay for at least six months.  Sadly for us, my MIL is here alone as my FIL passed away suddenly when we were getting ready to do IVF in late 2010 and yet again my BIL is not able to get a visa (he missed our wedding here as well). 

Besides being really sad for all of us, on a practical note given her very limited English, the fact that she doesn't drive, and her difficulty with our advanced project management system we have in place (deciding how much formula to offer when the BM is gone, charting, etc.), she is an effective mother's helper and soother, but I don't leave her home alone with them.  My FIL used to be our translator and DH does when he is home.  So I go out to run errands, if I must, when DH gets home from work and on the weekends.  But we spend our days in near silence, save the baby chatter that is now filling our home.  Yes I probably should have been learning Hindi or Marahti, in my free time.  I'm a confirmed bad DIL, though she is lovely...

I finally got to reading (the elder) Dr. Weissbluth's, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Twins, which is kind of embarrassing given how quick a read it is.  One of the things that jumped out at me was actually his blurb talking about the connection between hormonal infertility (which seems to be our/my problem getting and even more sadly staying pg) and supply issues.  Makes a lot of sense.  Not that at this point I have serious supply issues (I get ~ 35 oz/day), but it's too little for two and I wouldn't feel comfortable trying to switch back to the breast unless I was getting more than they now eat from pumping/supplementing.  I had guilt for about two seconds about supplementing, since they are getting the vast majority of their feeds from breast milk, and pumping/bottle feeding works well for us given all the people who are here to feed them.  It also means we'll have no issues going to formula and bottles later.  And they've been disadvantaged enough by my body's inability to do what it is supposed to, I had/have no intention of starving them too, even though and especially since they are now growing so well.  I'm not that much of a purist and they are thriving. 

I also think I've pretty much bagged the idea of cloth diapering.  It just has about zero appeal to me now, though I guess that could change.  I chalk it up to being a casualty of multiples, since I thought I would want to.  Seventh Gen diapers are really nice and they haven't had any bottom issues, yet.

My sister got home from the hospital in time for her birthday last month, and it turns out that it was actually a really bad staph infection.  Thanks for all your prayers!
Next up, getting the kids pics done for three months (next week!) and filling up their Easter baskets, which I got from Pottery Barn Kids (Peacocks and Plaid!).  I see more Jellycats in our future... :)  The Easter bunny comes to our clubhouse on April 1st.