Well now that we are out to everyone as expecting twins and are as sure as we can be at this point that we know what we are having (ty 3D u/s), I am getting the inevitable bizarro comments from people. OMG, instant family! (three years later...) One of each and done! (we'd be done, and content, after two regardless...) Of course these usually come from people who have no idea what we've been through to get here. These don't really bother me as much as remind me how much dealing with infertility for 2 1/2 years changes you, not that I would ever have said things like this to anyone.
If I were a fertile myrtle and could get pg on demand, we'd have a two year old and another on the way. So irony of ironies after all this, I admit we've sort of caught up. My goal was to have two by 35 and we'll almost make it. Except instead of enjoying a kiddo (and life generally) for the last two years (and having a nice down payment for a summer house), we've been slogging to various drs., having seemingly endless surgeries, taking myriad drugs, etc. You get the idea, it's not the same. But on the surface, all is seemingly perfect (so far anyway). While this feels well earned, it also feels really awkward at the same time. I've had people tell me they are jealous of us, which I'm kind of at a loss as how to respond to.
And don't get me wrong, I am beyond thrilled about our two babies (who are both squirming around like crazy as I write this :) ), but when it first sunk in that we were in fact having two at the same time (which obviously wasn't a big surprise given we'd transferred two embryos), I surprisingly didn't feel overwhelmed at all, I felt a little guilty.
Guilty that only because of our IF would they each never have the time they deserve to be our only baby, that they would likely come early, be small, and would have a much higher chance of complications, etc. All things that would almost never have been a possibility if we hadn't had to go through IF treatments to get pg. Even my breeder sister, who will soon have four under five, told me after finding out that twins were her "worst nightmare". Nice, huh? (btw, I'd much rather be me than her.) The thing about finally getting pg, which not everyone seems to realize, is that things are instantly no longer about you. Something that I find profoundly refreshing after our journey. It's one thing to go through these things yourself/as a couple by choice, but also because you have to, and then realize that your kids will be forever affected by what you've gone through. It wasn't something that I thought about that much before, since even getting pg w/one baby seemed unattainable after so long, though we were very cognizant of making responsible decisions that weren't only based on our short term situation.
DH and I feel strongly that our primary job as parents is to do all we can to ensure our kids are able to live up to their full potential (and all that goes into that), and I feared that I was disadvantaging them out of the gate. I am of course comforted by friends who've had big twins (my goal is >6 lbs/ea.), with no NICU time, who are thriving (though even the small ones usually catch up), but for an instant, I felt selfish for facilitating (and wanting) two babies. I guess my mommy guilt got started early.
If I were a fertile myrtle and could get pg on demand, we'd have a two year old and another on the way. So irony of ironies after all this, I admit we've sort of caught up. My goal was to have two by 35 and we'll almost make it. Except instead of enjoying a kiddo (and life generally) for the last two years (and having a nice down payment for a summer house), we've been slogging to various drs., having seemingly endless surgeries, taking myriad drugs, etc. You get the idea, it's not the same. But on the surface, all is seemingly perfect (so far anyway). While this feels well earned, it also feels really awkward at the same time. I've had people tell me they are jealous of us, which I'm kind of at a loss as how to respond to.
And don't get me wrong, I am beyond thrilled about our two babies (who are both squirming around like crazy as I write this :) ), but when it first sunk in that we were in fact having two at the same time (which obviously wasn't a big surprise given we'd transferred two embryos), I surprisingly didn't feel overwhelmed at all, I felt a little guilty.
Guilty that only because of our IF would they each never have the time they deserve to be our only baby, that they would likely come early, be small, and would have a much higher chance of complications, etc. All things that would almost never have been a possibility if we hadn't had to go through IF treatments to get pg. Even my breeder sister, who will soon have four under five, told me after finding out that twins were her "worst nightmare". Nice, huh? (btw, I'd much rather be me than her.) The thing about finally getting pg, which not everyone seems to realize, is that things are instantly no longer about you. Something that I find profoundly refreshing after our journey. It's one thing to go through these things yourself/as a couple by choice, but also because you have to, and then realize that your kids will be forever affected by what you've gone through. It wasn't something that I thought about that much before, since even getting pg w/one baby seemed unattainable after so long, though we were very cognizant of making responsible decisions that weren't only based on our short term situation.
DH and I feel strongly that our primary job as parents is to do all we can to ensure our kids are able to live up to their full potential (and all that goes into that), and I feared that I was disadvantaging them out of the gate. I am of course comforted by friends who've had big twins (my goal is >6 lbs/ea.), with no NICU time, who are thriving (though even the small ones usually catch up), but for an instant, I felt selfish for facilitating (and wanting) two babies. I guess my mommy guilt got started early.
1 comment:
For me, when I read all that you have gone through you make me feel so grateful for all that I have. I can't imagine having had gone through what you have. I think that it's a testament to you as a women for the strength that you have seemed to have. I couldn't be more thrilled for you having two babies! I don't even know you and yet I look forward to each post and hearing what's going on and how you are doing.
I have no doubt that you will be wonderful parents who will have healthy beautiful children who will be proud to call you their parents. All your fears and worries will be laid to rest once you hold those babies in your arms!
Thank you for sharing your journey I love reading about it and cant' wait to hear more!! :)
Jen
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