Given what we've been through the last several years, you might think that it would be a no brainer that our family is complete, and honestly when you are have boy/girl twins you don't get asked this a lot, but of course everyone has their own opinions when it comes to these things...
Ironically, my mother tried to talk me into getting my tubes tied with my C-section, which I declined since we had zero born/healthy children at the time (and I was all too aware that her idea had less to do with me than with my yet again (at the time) pg sister, who has since gotten "fixed"). But my OB, who even after seeing our last pregnancy, doesn't think we are done, for whatever reason. I'd like to think it is because we are great parents, but I'm sure we look like walking dollars signs to her. And of course by choosing to have a public blog where you talk about your life and decisions, I am well aware that it opens it to the world.
I've recently been asked if we are planning to have more kids and we are both very comfortable with the answer being, "thanks, but no thanks".
I love kids generally, as does DH, which is why I spent most of my formative years caring for other peoples' and one of the many reasons I married him. Though we also feel like we don't have to have them all ourselves. And of course, we couldn't possibly be more crazy about ours, and I know that many people make these decisions based on purely emotional rather than even remotely pragmatic factors. I don't understand it, but that is all well and good as long as they are not pure fantasy and you prepared and willing to deal with the realities of the children you choose to bear and that you never really know how it will all go down. For us, they are one and the same. Call me too worried about worst case scenario, which could be renamed "what usually happens to me", I call it being conservative and responsible. Also, I'm not actually looking for more stuff to complain about...
In case you are interested in some insight into our reasoning:
-We both agreed many years ago (i.e. long before we got married) that ideally we would like to have two kids, though DH jokes that "three is the new two" (and four and five, in some cases). Though when we had to do IVF to get pg and opted for ICSI, we knew splits were much more likely, so we had to wrap our heads around the idea that there was an increased chance we could end up with even more than we transferred. And after our harrowing journey to conceive and carry, we'd actually come to terms with just having one biological child (and then likely adopting another from India, which is an option to NRIs (non-resident Indians) like DH). There are a lot of reasons why two, but it seemed like a good number to both of us.
More reasons:
-After nearly three years lost to TTC, I am AMA now. While this is a somewhat arbitrary milestone, especially when you are using ART (bypassing some of the random chance involved in getting pg), it is what it is (where the lines of increasing birth defects and decreasing natural fertility typically cross). I also believe in the medical recommendation to space pregnancies by at least 18 months for the best health of the mother and baby (and this assumes singletons), not to mention meeting their needs. I'm nearly 37 and would be pushing 38 by the end of another pregnancy.
-We have never been able to get pg on our own and while we know it could certainly be possible (don't forget the BC fellow infertiles...), given what we know now about our dx, we certainly would not put a lot of weight on having a spontaneous (and more importantly successful) pregnancy without much assistance again, as quaint as that concept is to us now.
So we'd likely need to use ART to conceive again (we've transferred all four of our embryos), and unless one of us gets a new job w/coverage, since we have used every last penny of our infertility insurance coverage, we would be OOP like we have been since our first IVF cycle in 2010. While in reality cycling is much less expensive than actually having children, now we'd actually be taking from our existing children's future in an attempt to conceive again. $20K now is $100K in 20 years... Not cool IMO.
-While we're eternally grateful for our twins, and that they have each other, I would never transfer two again, though this makes each IVF cycle "more efficient". I would also not advise anyone else to do so given the risks involved, in case you are wondering. It has become so commonplace to do so the risks just get glossed over, and don't get me started on >2, though it is good to see that SET are becoming the new recommendation. Humans are not designed to have litters of healthy children, there is a reason it very rarely happens naturally. I'm certainly glad for people who beat the odds, which we barely did, but I know way too many who've had to bury their children or deal with a life of chronic health problems to think it's a good idea to prioritize embryos over healthy live babies. I also know WAY too many people who wanted "just one more" and got two or three or more. So be careful what you wish for, it is called too much of a good thing.
-While I'd somewhat reluctantly come to terms with the real/possible risks from cycling repeatedly to have a family at all, since we first decided to do IVF, I now have a 1st degree relative (my eldest sister) who has been treated for an aggressive reproductive cancer and IMO more cycling would be unwise, again because we have children for whom we are now responsible.
-Given the complications of our twin pregnancy and the state of my cervix, I would have issues with another pregnancy, potentially requiring bed rest, and God only knows what else, and definitely requiring another cerc (this time, preventative @ 14w). (Again) Our priority is to provide appropriate care for the kids we already have. In an alternate life where I thought I needed to have another child, I would likely use a GC.
-Our shared general philosophy on child rearing is that it's best when not done en masse. More kids = fewer resources (time, energy, money, etc.) for each and all. Our top family priorities include meeting our kids' individual health/emotional/education needs and offering them valuable and varied travel/life experiences, while not sacrificing our own retirement and individual goals.
DH has one brother and I am one of four (five w/my step-sister, though she has trust funds) and I'll let you guess who had the better childhood. I know this is not true for everyone, though I find it interesting how many people I know from large families who opt to have smaller ones based on their experiences, especially those down the line, though I know several people who feel like they already raised kids (i.e. their younger siblings) because their parents made poor choices and opt out completely. Sad.
Obviously one's family and financial situation has some bearing on the equation, and we are able to offer much more stability than my family was when I was growing up, but from our observations no one really benefits when you have more children than you can physically, mentally, or financially afford to care for (or more than both partners want) and educate properly (be they special needs or high potential, as in my family). Fortunately, as planned, we are each in a position where we could care for and afford our two kids on our own, if heaven forbid something were to happen to one of us. I learned a great deal, the hard way, from my parents mistakes. Getting married too young, making crapping decisions, having a bunch of kids (and more than one spouse wanted), and having no means of supporting them by yourself when it all heads south is probably not a great master plan.
-I will likely return to work, and we've been through unsuccessfully juggling cycling/pregnancy and working before (but before also having children) and are not keen on doing it again.
-After over three years of waiting, and many more in preparation, we are just ready to move on with and enjoy our lives as a family.
-Even if we did think we wanted more children, based on the above and the reality that our responsibility now lies with the children we have, I'd hope we'd have enough sense to count our blessings and move on...
How did you decide what was the "right" size of your family? Has it changed over time?
Ironically, my mother tried to talk me into getting my tubes tied with my C-section, which I declined since we had zero born/healthy children at the time (and I was all too aware that her idea had less to do with me than with my yet again (at the time) pg sister, who has since gotten "fixed"). But my OB, who even after seeing our last pregnancy, doesn't think we are done, for whatever reason. I'd like to think it is because we are great parents, but I'm sure we look like walking dollars signs to her. And of course by choosing to have a public blog where you talk about your life and decisions, I am well aware that it opens it to the world.
I've recently been asked if we are planning to have more kids and we are both very comfortable with the answer being, "thanks, but no thanks".
I love kids generally, as does DH, which is why I spent most of my formative years caring for other peoples' and one of the many reasons I married him. Though we also feel like we don't have to have them all ourselves. And of course, we couldn't possibly be more crazy about ours, and I know that many people make these decisions based on purely emotional rather than even remotely pragmatic factors. I don't understand it, but that is all well and good as long as they are not pure fantasy and you prepared and willing to deal with the realities of the children you choose to bear and that you never really know how it will all go down. For us, they are one and the same. Call me too worried about worst case scenario, which could be renamed "what usually happens to me", I call it being conservative and responsible. Also, I'm not actually looking for more stuff to complain about...
In case you are interested in some insight into our reasoning:
-We both agreed many years ago (i.e. long before we got married) that ideally we would like to have two kids, though DH jokes that "three is the new two" (and four and five, in some cases). Though when we had to do IVF to get pg and opted for ICSI, we knew splits were much more likely, so we had to wrap our heads around the idea that there was an increased chance we could end up with even more than we transferred. And after our harrowing journey to conceive and carry, we'd actually come to terms with just having one biological child (and then likely adopting another from India, which is an option to NRIs (non-resident Indians) like DH). There are a lot of reasons why two, but it seemed like a good number to both of us.
More reasons:
-After nearly three years lost to TTC, I am AMA now. While this is a somewhat arbitrary milestone, especially when you are using ART (bypassing some of the random chance involved in getting pg), it is what it is (where the lines of increasing birth defects and decreasing natural fertility typically cross). I also believe in the medical recommendation to space pregnancies by at least 18 months for the best health of the mother and baby (and this assumes singletons), not to mention meeting their needs. I'm nearly 37 and would be pushing 38 by the end of another pregnancy.
-We have never been able to get pg on our own and while we know it could certainly be possible (don't forget the BC fellow infertiles...), given what we know now about our dx, we certainly would not put a lot of weight on having a spontaneous (and more importantly successful) pregnancy without much assistance again, as quaint as that concept is to us now.
So we'd likely need to use ART to conceive again (we've transferred all four of our embryos), and unless one of us gets a new job w/coverage, since we have used every last penny of our infertility insurance coverage, we would be OOP like we have been since our first IVF cycle in 2010. While in reality cycling is much less expensive than actually having children, now we'd actually be taking from our existing children's future in an attempt to conceive again. $20K now is $100K in 20 years... Not cool IMO.
-While we're eternally grateful for our twins, and that they have each other, I would never transfer two again, though this makes each IVF cycle "more efficient". I would also not advise anyone else to do so given the risks involved, in case you are wondering. It has become so commonplace to do so the risks just get glossed over, and don't get me started on >2, though it is good to see that SET are becoming the new recommendation. Humans are not designed to have litters of healthy children, there is a reason it very rarely happens naturally. I'm certainly glad for people who beat the odds, which we barely did, but I know way too many who've had to bury their children or deal with a life of chronic health problems to think it's a good idea to prioritize embryos over healthy live babies. I also know WAY too many people who wanted "just one more" and got two or three or more. So be careful what you wish for, it is called too much of a good thing.
-While I'd somewhat reluctantly come to terms with the real/possible risks from cycling repeatedly to have a family at all, since we first decided to do IVF, I now have a 1st degree relative (my eldest sister) who has been treated for an aggressive reproductive cancer and IMO more cycling would be unwise, again because we have children for whom we are now responsible.
-Given the complications of our twin pregnancy and the state of my cervix, I would have issues with another pregnancy, potentially requiring bed rest, and God only knows what else, and definitely requiring another cerc (this time, preventative @ 14w). (Again) Our priority is to provide appropriate care for the kids we already have. In an alternate life where I thought I needed to have another child, I would likely use a GC.
-Our shared general philosophy on child rearing is that it's best when not done en masse. More kids = fewer resources (time, energy, money, etc.) for each and all. Our top family priorities include meeting our kids' individual health/emotional/education needs and offering them valuable and varied travel/life experiences, while not sacrificing our own retirement and individual goals.
DH has one brother and I am one of four (five w/my step-sister, though she has trust funds) and I'll let you guess who had the better childhood. I know this is not true for everyone, though I find it interesting how many people I know from large families who opt to have smaller ones based on their experiences, especially those down the line, though I know several people who feel like they already raised kids (i.e. their younger siblings) because their parents made poor choices and opt out completely. Sad.
Obviously one's family and financial situation has some bearing on the equation, and we are able to offer much more stability than my family was when I was growing up, but from our observations no one really benefits when you have more children than you can physically, mentally, or financially afford to care for (or more than both partners want) and educate properly (be they special needs or high potential, as in my family). Fortunately, as planned, we are each in a position where we could care for and afford our two kids on our own, if heaven forbid something were to happen to one of us. I learned a great deal, the hard way, from my parents mistakes. Getting married too young, making crapping decisions, having a bunch of kids (and more than one spouse wanted), and having no means of supporting them by yourself when it all heads south is probably not a great master plan.
-I will likely return to work, and we've been through unsuccessfully juggling cycling/pregnancy and working before (but before also having children) and are not keen on doing it again.
-After over three years of waiting, and many more in preparation, we are just ready to move on with and enjoy our lives as a family.
-Even if we did think we wanted more children, based on the above and the reality that our responsibility now lies with the children we have, I'd hope we'd have enough sense to count our blessings and move on...
How did you decide what was the "right" size of your family? Has it changed over time?
1 comment:
We ae currently wondering what the right answer is.
I have high FSH, am AMA as well, and should have never been able to conceive on my own. We got lucky - one healthy pregnancy and child.
I would love another, on paper :)
The reality of no sleep (our son did not STTN until 14 months old) again is something I don't know if I am cut out for. And I am not sure if I can have another.
So we are on the fence. I never expected it to be such a difficult decision!
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