Back together

Well, my DH is finally back home... He came in last night and it was wonderful to see him after his 2 1/2 weeks away. The last ten days I've been just wishing away, due to his absence and having to deal with the aftermath of losing our baby alone. I continue to feel better physically, though my abdominal pain has been replaced by terrible headaches which are not helped by meds, which I can only assume are a result of my hormones readjusting themselves.

We are still waiting on any word on the fetal/karyotype testing, hopefully something will come through soon. I go back again on Thursday to see how my hCG levels are falling. I am really hoping that since the m/c occurred when I was due to get AF, that she will come again in a few weeks time and my #'s will be or getting close to negative by then.

Mentally, I'm having a hard time. I went to an IF support group meeting on Saturday, which was helpful. I had to get out of the house and FCI/PDTM just happened to be having a meeting. It was with the same psychologist who DH and I had met with a year ago (pre-surgery #2), who recommended I start journaling, hence this here blog. :) I'm thinking I also need to go see someone one on one and maybe as a couple as well. There are just so many levels to the sadness. I feel bad that I can't just grieve losing the baby, but that as badly as that hurts, that we are still here but what we are left with now is so much less than what we had before we cycled, and that I'm really sad for us. It feels like we have actually moved backwards, and I am so so tired of being sad and miserable.

As much as I knew in the back of my mind that a m/c was a possibility, it was not in any of the scenarios that I had planned out before we cycled, and the further we got along and the better things went, it was not something that I was giving much thought. It was either, it'll work or it won't. We'll have FE or we won't. Now, we have two, but likely won't be using them, at least not for now, as if we risk losing them along with them would go our opportunity to do shared risk. We will likely be doing a fresh cycle next/again (via shared risk), as to keep our options as open as possible.

DH wants there to be an end (for my sake), but I won't know what that is until we get there, and I am not giving up.