What a ride (vent)

I feel like I've developed bipolar disorder in the last three weeks. I'm up, I'm down, I'm flat, I'm all over the place. I wish I fit nicely into the five stages, then at least I could figure out where I'm supposed to be...

I try to focus on the fact that we are so lucky to have (i.e. planned for) the option to hopefully try again soon, and attempt to escape this nightmare, though it's a real and significant financial hit. Then I think about how I can't believe that for as long as we've been trying we are no closer than we've been before, and our past performance is no guarantee of future success. I'm not one to wallow in self pity, but instead try to figure out how to fix the situation, but the reality is I wish there was a way off this ride, I'm getting so sick of it. It effing blows!!!

I think I did really well with the disappointment before, cycle after cycle after cycle, surgery after surgery after surgery, but it just feels different now. We struck out (big time) in the big leagues, and I'm getting old, and our insurance is gone, and I'm tired. I'm ashamed to say it, but part of me wishes we hadn't gotten pg at all. That would have been "normal", given the roughly 60/40 chance of success. But no, instead we fell into that four percent that are teased with the idea of a baby and that maybe we can masquerade as normal people after all this time, just to have it ripped away.

In my support group last week, a girl talked about how her therapist had helped her work through her control issues and how they stemmed from her neglect as a child. Talk about hitting home. I think we all have control issues to some extent, it's human nature, but for those of us who've dealt with particularly shitty childhoods that we've spent years working hard to distance ourselves from and manage against it's unusually disarming to be caught in a situation where you again have absolutely no control and even the things you do in theory control are controlled by the things you don't. And you still have your dysfunctional family to not really help you through it all... ;)

I just keep asking myself is this really the life that I've been busting my ass for all these years to have? If I had chosen a less genuine path, would things have been any easier? And bonus for having an affliction that no one talks or cares about. There are really still this many shitty cards in the deck after what I've already been dealt? Surely, you jest?

Other things I wish I could focus on, and why I can't...

A satisfying job?
The goal given our situation has been maximum flexibility @ max pay, but to move would likely be for less pay/flexibility. DH has already had to give up his hopes (at least for now) of going out on his own. Not a priority, since who'd pay for the IVF?

Or no job, and going back to school to do something else? Ditto above, at least for now

Travel?
As much as we'd love to reclaim our "found time" for travel, it sadly costs money which is going straight to our RE...

Moving back to the city?
And selling our house at a loss, which doesn't make sense, unless we have to to fund treatments.

Moving somewhere else? Ditto above, plus DH doesn't want to leave.

Trying to figure out what a life without children looks like?
We live this now (albeit clouded by IF treatments), and it doesn't cut it for me. What major life changes (perhaps moving to the moon?) would make this even remotely appealing?